Karaoke at the Duke

Songs to get Laid by or Thrown out of the Bar.

It looks like rain. Mike the bartender said when he opened the front doors to the bar, The Duke.

Don’t worry about it. They will come anyway. Pat the waiter said and swept cigarette butts from the steps out onto the sidewalk and then into the street.

Okay, but today, be normal. Mike said.

What are you talking about? They don’t want normal. These people are freaks. They like me when I’m freaky too. Pat said and began to dance with the broom in front of the bar. Mike looked about, shook his head and went inside.

Hey, Mike.? Can my girlfriend come in? Pat said, indicating his broom. He laughed and went inside.

Slim Singer the Karaoke man came into the bar from the back door. He pushed a dolly weighted down with his Karaoke equipment.

Hey, Slim Singer. Pat said. He stopped wiping the tables near a small dance floor.

You going to act normal today? Slim said.

Pat smiled and danced with his broom.

Good. More people get up and sing when you be yourself. Slim Singer said and started to set up his equipment.

Chapter 2

GETTING READY

Madge stood in front of her mirror in her bra and a short skirt so tight that folds of skin hung over the top of the skirt.

If I wore my blouse outside, no one would notice, maybe. Madge said. She did a bit of a dance to see what it would look like.

Maybe some duct tape will keep it in. Ya, and maybe your ex will pay some alimony. Ya, like that’s going to happen. She said and with some difficulty wiggled out of the skirt and tossed it over her shoulder. Her underpants had the large red words, ‘Kiss this!’ written on one cheek with the imprint of lips nearby. She sat at a table. She unscrewed the top off of a bottle of red wine and poured half a glass into a water glass and then gulped some of the wine. Madge took up her cell phone from the table.

Joleen, hey yourself. What are you going to wear today? Fuck off, bitch. I’m wearing that. You are going to Karaoke, right? Madge said and walked to her closet and looked through her stuff. She found a dress under her foot on the floor, picked it up and gave it a shake.

Come on, be a pal, don’t wear that today. Great. I love you, see you down there. Madge said. She sniffed the dress and then went to her dresser and sprayed the dress with perfume. She coughed and had another drink of wine.

Who the hell left bug spray on my dresser? Madge said.

Chapter 3

Jerome

Jerome stood in front of his mirror in jeans and a fancy shirt and silk scarf reminiscent of the Roy Rogers era. He looked at a large picture of Roy and Dale Rogers that hung on the wall next to a playboy pin up.

Jeezus, Jerome. Roy’s been dead a long time now, give it a rest. Jerome said and removed the old cowboy dress shirt and scarf and found another less flamboyant shirt still in its original wrapping. He put it on.

Better, don’t have to wash this. Only need socks now. Jerome said and went to his dresser. He squeaked now and then because some of the pins were still in the new shirt, which he pulled out when he discovered them. He found the top two drawers empty and a pile of clothes on the floor.

God damn. You got to wash something this month. Jerome said and picked through the pile for some socks. He sniffed one sock and the smell knocked him onto his ass.

Jeezus, man, you got to see a doctor. I’ll buy some socks at the dollar store and put ‘em on in the bathroom. Jerome said. He splashed a man’s perfume on himself and stepped into his cowboy boots barefoot. Jerome strapped a leather belt about his waist. A large shiny buckle was attached to the belt. When Jerome fastened the belt his belly made the buckle pop off.

Hello fatso. When you going to do something about that. He said and found the buckle and attached it to his belt again. He sucked his stomach in and held his breath.

You going to stop breathing for four hours? Jerome said and the buckle flew across the room. He pinned the buckle to a pocket over his right breast and found some suspenders.

Chapter 4

Joleen

Joleen poured something into her coffee cup out of a brown bottle and then put the bottle inside a cookie jar.

Baby? Baby are you still upstairs? Mummy needs a big favour. Joleen said and looked up at the ceiling for an answer.

Heavy footsteps banged across the floor and plaster dust fell from the ceiling.

What? Baby said.

Mummy only goes out this one day of the week honey. Please, let Mummy have that cute little number you bought yesterday. I got nothing to wear. We didn’t do the laundry this week. Joleen said.

Oh, Maw, no. I’m going out with that new boy tonight. Baby said.

No, Baby. Mummy needs this one day away from the zoo. Gimme’ Joleen said. The heavy footsteps made more noises and then a dress landed on the floor by the kitchen doorway. The footsteps above stomped into another room and a door slammed and then bits of plaster fell from the ceiling onto the kitchen table.

Are you losing weight sweetie? Joleen said.

Chapter 5

Maggie

Maggie picked up an old black and white photograph of a man in a World War II military uniform standing arm in arm with a young Maggie in suit and hat reminiscent or the era.

We should have this colorized Harold. You were so trim in those days. My dear, the ladies were so envious of me then. I loved walking with you just to show you off. Maggie said. She sat at a little table in the living room of her tiny apartment. Tea was set for two people with a small plate of soda crackers and two pieces of cheese. She took up one tiny piece of cheese and put it into her mouth and followed it with a sip of tea. After awhile she hummed a bit and looked out of the window.

What my dear? You won’t have yours? Are you sure? You won’t mind if I have it then, will you? Thank you. Would you mind terribly if I went out for a little while? I need to pick up a few things at the store. If you don’t mind, I might stop for a small glass of wine. It will only be for a little while. I won’t be long my dear. Thank you for being so understanding. Maggie said and took the second little piece of cheese and a soda cracker. She laughed.

Oh, Harold. You are terrible. But do tell me that off color joke you whispered to the boys. You do tell them so well. Maggie said and referred to the empty seat and setting opposite her. She laughed and talked to the empty chair. The voices of small children playing could be heard outside an open window.

Chapter 6

The Weasle

Hello, Mr. Morrison? This is Jimmy. Jimmy Wiesle. Wiesle, Wiesle. I know the guys call me the Weasel, but it’s pronounced Why-zell. Good, now you remember me? Look, I’m sick. I mean really sick. I was burping right into my heart. Oh, ya. I had to lay down and everything. I was almost out the door to come to work today, but I’m sick, sir. I can’t come in. Okay? Jimmy Wiesle said and waited for an answer. His wife leaned against the fridge with her arms across her chest. She was really pregnant again. She was ready to spit.

Are you there Mr. Morrison? I know I got to call in when I’m sick, so this is it right, I’m calling in sick, okay? Jimmy said.

This guy is going to get fed up with you taking off sick all the time. Someday he’ll catch you at it and that’ll be the end of you. His wife said.

Hey, shut up. He might hear you. He’s somewhere near the phone. I can hear him shuffling papers there in his office. Jimmy said.

So. You told him you were sick, hang up. He knows you’re not coming in. His wife said.

I can’t. I got to hear him say, ‘Okay, see you tomorrow.’ You don’t understand. You been away from work so long you forgot what a working life is like. Jimmy said.

Oh, right. Having six kids in less than five years and keeping this house is not work. Making dinner and change a diaper at the same time isn’t work. You weasel rat. Don’t be surprised if you find a dirty diaper in your dinner some day. His wife said and she left the room.

Come on honey, I need this. Oh, not you Mr. Morrison. Just talking to my old lady. So you understand then, I’m sick, not coming in today. Okay? Hello? Hello? Jimmy said and finally hung up the phone. He got up; put on a snappy jacket with an advertisement from a local garage on the back.

And don’t come home horny. I swear to God, if you do, I’ll cut it off and throw it in the alley for the cats. His wife said from the other room. Jimmy moved his balls from one side of his pants to the other and went out.

Chapter 7

Back at the Bar

Pat was killing flies with the local papers he had found on the bar. WHOMP.

Oh, a big one. Pat said. He opened the pages of the newspaper until he found the page he was looking for.

Pat? Mike said as he stood at the cash register behind the large display of liquor, he was cutting up limes for the drinks that would be ordered later.

Pat didn’t answer. He was busy doing something with the newspaper.

Pat? Mike said from the other side of the bar.

What? Pat said.

Don’t put dead flies on the girlie picture. You hear? Mike said.

Ya, sure. Pat said and took the newspaper to the only customer in the bar who was sitting at a table.

Hey, you want to see the girlie picture for today? She’s really nice today. Pat said and dropped the paper on the table and went to the bar to watch the customer.

Oh, Jeezuz. Mike, there’s a big dead fly on the girlie picture. The customer said.

I’m going to sweep out back. Pat said. He was laughing to himself. Mike was cutting up celery now and threw a piece at Pat, but missed. Pat came back and swept the piece of celery from the floor; picked it up and put it into his waiter’s apron and then went out towards the back entrance.

Hey, Donnie. You still hungry? Pat called as he went through the door.

Chapter 8

Getting Ready II

Mother? Mother I made you some sandwiches and tea. When you’re hungry, come and have a bite to eat. Clarence said and finished doing his bowtie. He put on his jacket and looked into a hall mirror. Strands of thread hung from the cuffs of his sports jacket. He took a pair of scissors and cut the loose strands.

You would leave your ailing mother alone, at a time like this? Mother said from her bedroom.

You’ll be fine Mother. Doctor says you’ll out live your entire family. You turned ninety-three last month, please, give me a break. Clarence said, took a neatly folded handkerchief from a drawer and put it into the breast pocket of his jacket.

I’m sickly. Oh God. My heart. Clarence, it’s my heart, call 911. Mother said from the bedroom.

No, Mother. Your heart is fine. Doctor saw you last week and said you are as strong as the proverbial horse. Clarence said and popped a breath mint into his mouth.

Ungrateful child. Your only mother is about to die of heart failure and you want to go out whoring with those wanton ladies of ill repute at that bar. Mother said.

It’s only one day a week Mother and I’m your only child now that you’ve out lived all of the other eight. Clarence said and checked his wallet to see he had enough money.

Don’t leave me, Clarence, please, please, don’t go out whoring tonight. Mother said.

I’ll be back soon enough Mother, and don’t listen to country western music tonight, please. Clarence said and set a fine grey fedora on his head and left the apartment.

The apartment was silent for a few seconds after the front door closed.

Hello, Dominic’s Pizza? Send up six pizzas. No, this isn’t the crazy old coot again. She lives across the hall. I’m the nice old lady. I’m going to be ninety-four soon and my son will pay you, just like last week. Mother said and a telephone was hung up in the bedroom. Then there was a click and a radio came on. It was a country station.

Don’t shoot my dog ‘cause I threw up in your beer Awleen. I’ll love you jest as soon as I sober up. A country singer wailed and howled with mournful sorrow.

Chapter 9

Clyde and Sweet-Cheeks

Sweet-cheeks, I can see your nipples right through your bra. Clyde said when his wife came from the bedroom.

When you give me extra money, I’ll buy a new bra. That blouse will cover everything up anyway. Sweet-Cheeks said.

Tonight we’re going to do our Johnny Cash and June Carter routine. Sing all those good songs. Clyde said as he pulled on his jeans and fastened a large belt with sequins on it.

Those stuck up pricks are just jealous of us. Why, they’re just jealous lover. Sweet-Cheeks said. She embraced Clyde and then quickly parted.

What’s a matter baby? Am I too much for you? Clyde said.

You got to put on some weight baby, I’m not kidding. Your bony hips are killing me. Sweet-Cheeks said and buttoned up her blouse.

I can still see your nipples. Clyde said.

That’s because you know where to look. Zip up your pants honey. Sweet-cheeks said.

Zipper is broke. Clyde said.

One of us has got to get a job, at least long enough to get on the dole and get a bit of money ahead. She said.

It’s your turn Sweet-Cheeks. The last job we had was mine. I’d pull my shirt out, but then it would hide my Cowboy Bob’s Cowboy special belt. Look how it shines when the light hits these here sparkly things. Clyde said.

Ya, that’s kind of macho alright. Sweet-Cheeks said and sprayed a cloud of perfume in front of her and then walked into it and spun around until she began to gag and fell onto the couch.

Chapter 10

Bettsie