The SECRET Novel Collection

THE

SECRET

NOVEL COLLECTION

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MIRIKA MAYO

CORNELIUS

THE

SECRET

NOVEL COLLECTION

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This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved, including the rights of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. 

Copyright © Mirika Mayo Cornelius, December 2014

Book cover by Akirim Press, akirimpress.com

THE

SECRET

NOVEL COLLECTION

Editorial Reviews

—Anna Bowman of Florence Morning News calls Secret a heart-wrenching story...with great presence to the main character.

——Annie Hawes of Euro-Reviews calls Colored Lily: Poppa Took My Innocence realistic and lifelike and vivid. Like Secret, of which Colored Lily is the prequel, no reader can come away from this book without being touched as deeply as possible.

From the Author

Secret, Colored Lily: Poppa Took My Innocence,and Paton are emotionally packed novels of one family saga with dramatic events taking place in the deep south, lined in secrets, bursting from betrayals, and written in reverse order. 

Secret is the debut while next in line Colored Lily: Poppa Took My Innocence which is its prequel, and then is the final prequel, Paton.

Although fiction, all three books were written to match reality, and most of all, the books were written to enjoy.  Thank you. 

Table of Contents

SECRET

SECRET

Beginning

Middle

End

COLORED LILY

COLORED LILY

Summer’s Beginning

Midsummer

Late Summer

PATON

PATON

THE BOY

THE MAN

THE MONSTER

More Akirim Press Books

SECRET

MIRIKA MAYO

CORNELIUS

SECRET

This is a work of fiction.  Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.  Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved, including the rights of reproduction in whole or in part in any form. 

ISBN 0-9708517-1-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2002090634

Copyright © Mirika Mayo Cornelius, 2002

Book cover by Akirim Press, akirimpress.com

Acknowledgements

God has given me everything I need and want, and He is the source of all my blessings.  I thank Him for it all, especially for His begotten Son, my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Through him, I have my chance to live.

I thank God for my son.  He’s my little man and the most wonderful gift God gave me on this earth.  My love for him is endless, and will carry on forever.  I thank him for the laughter and love he has brought to my life.

Thanks to my husband and business partner for all he does, and thanks to my parents, siblings, the rest of my family and friends who have been with me from day one.  I give you all love.

To all my fans and followers, thank you and you rock! 

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A favorite scripture: Revelation 21:6-7

And he said unto me, It is done. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give unto him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely. He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son.

SECRET

In a small, southern town, there is a scorned secret that has ripped through homes. Accursed is the woman that it came from, people around town say, but to a sassy, country girl named Secret, that’s not all to it. She asks herself, what curse, and what does it have to do with me? That’s when Secret takes matters into her own hands and attempts to solve the terrifying mystery of her family that roots from her own mother!

Will she ever uncover the curse that lives behind her name, or will Secret discover that all the hatred aimed her direction is truly deserved?

Table of Contents

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SECRET

Beginning

Middle

End

SECRET

Beginning

I was born.  No, I don’t remember any of the drama that came along with my birth, but at one point in time, I thought that others might have.  The back of a building in a dark alley or something to that effect, some of my people claimed that’s how my mom brought me into this world.  They would say that just the same way she left home before her time, the same way her churn  gon’ come - too early and not nare one on time.  They always said that she was too fast for her fanny.  Those people I’m speaking of are my aunts.  My great aunts.  Grandmom, as the story goes, died on a railroad track down by the lake - of shock.  Of all things to die from, it was shock, and what scared her to death is still not discussed or is simply not known.  How my mom died, well, is she even dead?  Last thing I know about is that after she had me in that alley of mine, Jocelyn - that’s my momma’s name - picked me up and carried me to my aunt’s house.  One thing I had to do was  find her and the reason behind myself because when she left me, all she left me with is my name - Secret.  Secret Jones.

Secret.  Secret, girl, don’t you hear me calling for you?  Get in this here house and help me clean up some.  Your Uncle Junior and his new wife are gonna be here directly, and I need some help.  Get that mop over yonder.

Yes, ma’am.  I run up the cracked brick steps trying my best not to touch one of those cracks.  It’s bad luck if you step on cracks, at least that’s what my friend Lyz told me.

Aunt May, when did I get an Uncle Junior, and where’s he coming from?  I ask as I dunk the mop in a bucket of soapy water.

She leans over the rocking chair trying to fix a sheet around it real tight as to make it look stiff as a cardboard.  Chile, you always had an Uncle Junior, and you done certainly had your fair share of new aunts with him, too, she laughs.  You ain’t nothing but six, and he done had four.  This one here is number four.  He ain’t been down here from Boston in a good three years now.

I put the soaked mop on the floor.  I hate mopping because I can never get enough water out of the mop, and it be heavy.  My back hurts every time I have to carry this big oversized mop around from one side of the floor to the other side.

Secret.

Huh, ma’am?  Leaning over, I curl my head around to see her.

Ring out that water, chile, or else you gone fall and break your neck.  Like to make me break mine, too.

Aunt May, it’s too hard to ring out this mop, I tell her leaning my head on the handle with the bottom releasing water still yet, And my back hurts anyway, Aunt May.  This thing weighs more than me.

She laughs, Girl, if I had the energy, I’d cut your backside, but I don’t, so I won’t.  Gone over there to the kitchen and get that broom and pan.  I’ll finish up the moppin’.  Lord, Lord, I got to rest.  She sits down out of breath on the chair she just fixed up.  I drop the mop and go to her.

Aunt May, I’ll try to finish the floor.  You sit down, and the house’ll be spic and span before Junior gets here.

"Uncle Junior.  That is your uncle, my nephew, and your ma . . .."  Her sentence stops, and her eyes drop.

And what, Aunt May?  I ask leaning on the arm of the chair with my head in my hand.

And your butt cuttin’ if you don’t stop bothering wit me now.  Go on, these old bones just hurt a little, that’s all, Secret.  Don’t tell nobody.

I won’t tell.  Secret never tells.

That’s my girl.

Aunt May, she gets tired a lot.  When I say a lot, I mean all the time.  Just walking up the porch steps makes her lose all her breath.  I, sometimes, when I see her coming, have a chair waiting on her because it seems like she’s gonna pass over.  I’m too small to pick her up from the floor, so I’d rather have her pass over in a chair if that’s what she’s gonna do.  That way, I can make sure she don’t hit her head on anything sharp and bust it wide open.  She can drink a cup of water sitting up easier, too, than trying to do it on the floor.  I tried it one time, and water gets all over your face.  It’s a waste of time.  Top it all off, you gotta clean up everything you waste, and I hate cleaning up stuff off the floor.  I once saw this old lady, and it looked like her head was leading her to the ground.  Her back was slumping way over.  No lie.  I coulda’ sworn she was gonna fall.  I bet if I keep up all this cleaning, my back gone look like that, too.  We need to get a maid.  A good one, too, but I wouldn’t want our maid to end up looking like that old lady I saw that day slumping over.  My back hurts now, but, man, I bet hers hurts ten times more than mine.

Here, Aunt May, drink this.  I put some sugar in it, too, to give you some more energy.

I’ll sop it right down.

When I finish with all this chore stuff, can I go to Lyz’s house?

Only if Lyz’s momma is home.  You come right back here if her momma’s not there, hear me?

Yep!

Finally, I finish the floors, and, now, I have to carry this big bucket down the porch and to the bushes.  I’m not supposed to pour the water out on the bushes Aunt May said because it’s dirty water, but I figure that them bushes comin’ up out of dirt anyway.  They can’t get no dirtier than what they already are.  It’s hot outside, and I think that the bushes probably like this water - dirty or not.

I’m gone, Aunt May!  I scream while running down the dirt pathway around the house.  I turn around and see her watching every move I make.  She never lets me go over to my friend’s house if her momma’s not there.  She got this thing about men.  It’s not right for girls to be around them all the time, especially when there’s no lady around.  Just last week she told me how some men are a shame to manhood.  I don’t know what some man did to make her mad, but whatever it was musta’ been bad.

Is Lyz home?  It’s her father at the door.

Hello there, Ms. Secret.  Yes, Lyz is here.  Wanna come on in?

No, sir.  Can she come out?

Yep.  Lyz, Secret’s at the door.  He walks away with the screen wide open.  Lyz comes skipping to the door.

Hey, Secret. . .,

Is your. . .,

Yes, momma’s here, she drags.  Come on, let’s go.

Go where?  Shoot, I’m tired.  I ran all the way over here, and it’s two-hundred degrees out.

To the lake.  The screen door slams behind her.

I sit on the steps to tie my shoe.  That’s when I see Lyz’s flip flops.

Hey, Lyz, do you have some more of those shoes?

One more pair.  Got ‘em for my birthday.

Let me wear the other pair, and I’ll go to the lake.  My feet are hot.

Okay. She runs back in the house and brings the flip flops back out.  As soon as I get ‘em in my hands, I shove ‘em on. 

Now let’s go. I say staring at my new shoes.

On the way to the lake, we play a game called Mother, may I.  When we play it, whoever the momma is shouts way far away from the other person calling their name and telling them to do something.  The other person, I guess the child, gotta shout back and ask to see if it’s okay to do what the momma said to do by saying mother may I.  The momma will then say yes you may or no you may not.  When the child gets close enough, though, to touch the momma, then they go flippy flop, and the momma is the child.  Lyz was the baby last time we went to the lake, so that means I gotta be the baby this time.

Hurry up and say something, Lyz, before a train comes and knocks me off this railroad,  I shout to her standing in the middle of the tracks.   

My name is momma to you, Secret.

See, that’s why I don’t like for her to be the momma because she always has to really act like she’s somebody’s momma.  She knows that all she gotta do is tell me to take some steps, but noooo . . look at her over there acting like she’s in the grocery store taking things off of the shelf when all she really doing is picking some blackberries off the bush.

Besides, you gotta stay still while I finish doing my work.

You know that’s not how the game goes, so hurry up, Lyz!

She pretends to put a bucket down on the ground, then, she dusts her hands off.  Children, children, children.  Secret!

It’s ‘bout time. Yes, mother?

Take fifteen giant steps coming toward me, and after the last step, do a frog hop.

Mother, may I?

Yes, you may.

I stretch my legs as far as they can go.  Even try to do the splits, but I can’t make it that far down and get back up just as easy.

Don’t try to cheat either, Secret.  I see you all sneaky trying to take tiny steps in between them big steps.  I bet I’ll send you back to where you started from.

Oh, shut-up!  If I didn’t have on these new flip flops, I woulda’ already been able to touch you, but I’m trying not to dirty ‘em up yet, now.

Don’t blame it on my shoes.  You just can’t take bigger steps than me, that’s all.

When we get to the lake, I should push her dead in.  And throw these flip flops in after her.  She always trying to be funny.  Talking about I can’t take bigger steps than her.  That’s what she thinks.  If I can beat her in running, this ain’t nothing but a piece of cake to beat her in this game.

We get to the lake, and it’s so quiet out here, it seems like there’s still noise somewhere.  It’s just like being in the bed, and in the middle of the night, you wake up.  It’s real quiet at first but then, if you stay awake long enough, it’ll get noisy, and you don’t even know where the noise is coming from. 

Why do you like this lake so much? I ask Lyz.  There ain’t nothin’ in it but a bunch of bugs and mud, I say as I hop around on the roots of this one big oak tree.  When I come down here, one thing I like to do is play on the trees, and this one is my favorite because it has long limbs that don’t break off when you swing on them.

There’s little fish things, too.  See.

I go over and kneel down beside her. Them things are tadpoles, not no fish.

Whatever.

You know, I say getting up from beside the edge of the lake, I’m not supposed to be down here at this lake.  Aunt May says lakes ain’t nothing to play around.

So!  Your aunt thinks she knows everything about everything.  As long as you don’t go inside the lake, you don’t drown, Secret.  Anyway, is it true?

I look at her while she throws a rock into the lake trying to make it skip.  Is what true?

I heard some stuff when my mom was outside talking to a friend of hers.

Tugging at her shirt, I ask, "What stuff did you hear, Lyz?"

Don’t get scared.

Well then say it, Lyz, dog!

Promise you won’t get scared.

Promise.

I heard that somebody died at this lake, she says really quiet with her eyes slanted up at me one way while her head is turn down another way, And it wasn’t from no drowning neither.

What’s she talking about?  Ain’t nobody died at this stupid lake.

And who said that?  Ain’t nobody died here but these nasty tadpoles and fish and bugs.

You ain’t never wondered why your aunt don’t never want you down here?

Yeah, Lyz.  Because I can’t swim.  Everybody don’t know how to swim like you do.  My aunt sho’ don’t, so who gonna save me if I fall in - you?  You believe too much stuff, anyway.

I’m not gonna save you because you’ll pull me in, too.  I should make you walk all the way back home barefoot.

You gotta catch me first.  Since you know so much, why you down here if you think somebody died down here?

"I didn’t say I believed it, Secret, ‘cause look.  She twists her body around with her hands out to her sides.  I don’t see no dead body, do you?"

Nope.

Well, then.

We leave from the lake really quick because since we got there, we’ve been doing nothing but fussing about dead bodies, and it got scary.  Lyz let me keep her flip flops for another day since I told her that my uncle was coming down, and I didn’t want him to see my dirty, raggedy shoes.  I want to look pretty.

When I get back home, I see a dark blue car parked in the front yard.  I start dusting the dirt from my clothes that got on me from falling down on the way back home.  That car sho’ is pretty.  I go to look in the glass so I can see the inside.  Shiny seats and all.  There’s a pocketbook sitting on the rider’s side, and that means a woman is in the house, too.  I wonder what they look like.

I tip toe up the steps instead of running so they won’t hear me coming.  There’s a window that can let you see the whole living room when you get to the top of the steps.  I creep on over to the side of it and peep in.  There go my aunt, and right beside her is a lady.  I don’t see no man.  She’s pretty, though.  If that’s my aunt, too, I hope she’s nice.

Well, look at there.

I just about pee pee all on myself.  I fling myself around to see a man standing at the bottom of the steps.  He got a big ole smile on his face, and it looks like it’s getting bigger.  He is tall, real tall, and his shoes just as shiny as the seats in that car.  I look down at Lyz’s flip flops.  I’m glad she let me hold ‘em.

My shoes clean, too.  I hold out my leg so he can look at my flip flops.  He busts out laughing.  Why is he laughing at my shoes?  They’re clean and fine, too.

You gonna come down here and give U.J. a hug, or do I have to come get it from you?

U.J.?  This ain’t my Uncle Junior?

Go on, Secret.  That there is your uncle.

I look beside me into the screen door and see my Aunt May waving her hand to get me down the steps to give U.J. a hug.  I hold on to the rail and drag myself down the steps.  The closer I get, the taller he gets.

Now ain’t this something.  He yanks me up off the step and into the air.  All of my toes are holding them flip flops real tight on my feet so they won’t fall off.

Can you do me a favor?  He puts me down.

Depends on what you want.

Amen, he laughs again. If this gal ain’t smart, he says looking up at my aunt.  Why he keep laughing at me?

Can you tell me what your first name is Miss Jones?

Secret.

That’s a mighty fine name there, he says getting on one knee.  Miss Secret, will you be so kind as to welcome me as your Uncle Junior.  I ain’t seen you in a long time, and it would be right nice if I could hear you call me uncle because you are the prettiest niece I got.

The only niece you got, says that lady next to my aunt.

That, too.  Before you do, I got something for you, Secret.  He walks over to that dark blue car, and pulls out some yellow flowers.

I went and plucked all these flowers for you, Secret.  Pretty flowers for a beautiful girl.

I take the flowers. Thank you . . .Uncle Junior.

This here is my wife and your other aunt, Rubie.  She even got your last name.  Rubie Jones, U.J. says as she walks down the steps.  She’s long, too.  Her hair is pulled up in a fancy bun, and her smile looks like it’s growing, too.

Nice to meet you, niece.  Here.  She pulls a small red pocketbook from behind her back.

This is mine?  I ask too excited.  I never had a pocketbook before.

Yep, all yours.

I like her already. 

We go inside the house.  While I was gone, my aunt cooked a big spaghetti.  She always says when you don’t have enough time to cook something good, a good spaghetti is always great. 

Um, uhm.  Aunt May, you always been my favorite in the kitchen.  You got momma by a long shot.

Alright now, don’t you talk about my sista.  That girl could cook.  I’m the one taught her.

You talking about Grandma Rain?  I say trying to stuff my mouth as to not be the last person to finish eating.

Yep, that was your grandma alright,  U.J. says as he gets up from the table and grabs Aunt May’s plate.  I can already see that you and your Aunt Rubie got plenty in common, Secret.

And what is that, Junior? Aunt Rubie asks while wiping her mouth.

Y’all like new stuff, and you both eat slow as elephants.

Aunt Rubie leans over to my ear.  That’s alright because women aren’t supposed to stuff their mouths like hounds.

As soon as she says that, I swallow a mouth full of spaghetti.  My aunt didn’t tell me that before.  I bet I look real dumb with a mouth full of food. 

Oh, don’t you listen to her, Secret, he says gulping some water.  You’ll be a better girl if you just eat how you wanna eat . . . and keep men folk away from you who try and tell you how.

Everybody starts laughing.  I don’t get it.  So, do I eat like him or do I eat like her?  I put down my fork and stare at ‘em. 

Oh, gone and eat your food, chile, like you wanna eat it.  When you get old enough for a man, then you’ll know the difference.  Don’t pay your uncle here no ‘tention, Aunt May says getting up from the table.

Yes ma’am.

The next night, they start getting ready to leave.  I wonder how my Aunt Rubie does that thing with her hips.  When she walks, my uncle has a nice time looking at her.  I catch him all the time.  And when he looks, he always leans back and says ‘That’s my wife’ .  While she’s packing, I go into my room where they went to sleep last night.

Yes? she says with her back turned to the door. 

How did you know it was me?

You have tiny footsteps.  She still doesn’t turn around, so I go sit on the bed.

Aunt Rubie?

Um hum.

Why does U.J. love you so much?

She stands up straight, puts her hand on her hip and grins. Why?  You don’t think he should love me like he does?

Noooo!  I didn’t mean it like that.

Well?

Every time you walk by, he gets so happy.

She busts out laughing.  He’s supposed to, Secret.  I’m his wife.

I just stare at her.

She kneels down.  If you ever meet a man when you grow up that you think you can be happy and fall in love with and that loves you back, he’ll look at you like that, too.  There is no trick to it.  But right now, you don’t worry about the way your uncle looks at me. . . it’s a good thing when you’re married, she says tapping me on my leg while getting up from the floor.

How do you walk like that?

She turns back.  Like what?

Like this.  I get up and show her exactly how she walks around here.  Twisting her booty from side to side like it’s natural or something.  It looks like too much work.

Lord, have mercy, she says putting her hand on her chest and opening her mouth wide open.  Secret, come here, honey.

Yes, ma’am?

Do you really think I do that on purpose?

It looks that way to me because Aunt May don’t walk like that, and I don’t either.

See this.  She points to the bottom of her back.  Then she puts her hands on her waist.  This part of my body is smaller than the back part of my booty.  I also have what you call an arch in my back so it goes in a little bit.  And guess what?

What?

That means the way that I’m built makes me walk like I walk.  You’ll see when you get bigger like me.

The next day they leave, and my uncle gives me his address.

Secret, here you go.  Now let me tell you something, I hate to go, but if you need anything from me, you write me, you hear?  I love you, girl, he says and kisses me on my forehead.  Looking like your momma.  He stands back up and gives Aunt May a hug. I’ll see you.  Love ya’!

It was nice to meet you all, says Aunt Rubie as she gets into the car.

Before he reaches his car door, I pull on his pant leg.  What does she look like?

Who, he says pulling his keys out of his pocket.

My momma.

He looks up at Aunt May, and then, he looks back down at me with a smile.  Like you.  He gets into the car and leaves.  Aunt May is standing at the bottom of the porch with tears in her eyes.  It must hurt her real bad to see them go.

Aunt May, I’m still here with you, and I ain’t going nowhere.

Now that they’re gone, will you help your aunt back up these steps?

I kept the secret good, huh?

Yep, real good.

Summer is almost up.  I have one week before I start third grade.  Me and Lyz already said that we’re gonna to sit right next to each other in class.  I hope we get a nice teacher.  I heard that there’s a new teacher coming here from out of town, and it’s a man.  I never had a man teacher before. 

Aunt May, can I go see Lyz?

You ain’t even ate breakfast, chile.

I’ma be right back.  I gotta take her flip flops back to her.

Come right back.

I will.

It’s too hard to run in these shoes.  I can’t wait to get my shoes back.  They may be dirty, but they take me farther.  Before I get to Lyz’s house, I see a pick up truck backed into her yard.  I wonder what’s going on over there.  I finally step into her yard and see the furniture in her house being carried out by some men.

Running up beside one of them I ask, Is Lyz at home?

Little Lyz is in there.  Go ahead in, says one man putting a chair in the back of a truck.

Will you go get her for me because I can’t go in the house?  There are too many men over here today.

Girl, gone on up there and knock on that door.  Ain’t nobody gonna bite you.  He frowns down at me with sweat pouring off of his face.

Excuuuse me.  I skip up the steps to the screen door.  Looking through, I see Lyz sitting on the floor playing with her doll.

Lyz, I call her through the screen.

She looks up and sees me waving to her.

Hey, Secret.  Come on over here, she says waving back.

I can’t and you know that, Lyz.  Come on over here. . . I got your shoes.

She gets up and hurries to the door.  Before she reaches me, I bend over to dust off the flip flops making sure there’s no dirt on them.

Do you have my shoes?  I ask her so I won’t have to walk back home barefoot.

Yeah, I have ‘em.  Remember, you left them over here.

Well, here, I take her flip flops off of my feet and hand them to her.  Why are these men taking stuff outta your house?

Those are my uncles.  I found out that we’re moving to some other place.  Wait here, and let me go get your shoes.  You better watch out for ants on that step ‘cause they’ll bite you up.

Moving?  Who am I gonna play with?  I don’t have that many friends that live around by me, and Aunt May won’t let me go too far away from home anyway.  Who’s gonna sit next to me in class or even do homework with me?  Man,  I heard that third grade is a lot harder than second grade is.

When Lyz gets back, I’m sitting down on the porch with my legs stretched out in front of me wiggling my toes. 

What’s wrong with you, Secret?  She puts my shoes and herself down beside me.

It ain’t nothing much, just who’s going to be my best friend now?

I thought about that, too, and what if  I don’t like nobody where I’m going? she says as her eyes go wide open.  My momma said that we can write each other after I go, though, because she’s gonna give Miss May our new address.  She even said that sometimes she will bring me back here to see you.

Where are you going?

Somewhere called Sher-a-ton.  I think that’s how you pronounce it.

I look at her strange because she don’t even know where she’s going.  Well, where is that?

Don’t ask me.  I just found out.  It’s only because my daddy found a better job there.  She pauses.  Secret?

Hum?

Let’s play tweedle leet.

We still gonna be best friends after you leave, okay? 

Yep, so let’s shake on it.

What?  What’s she talking about shake on it?

That’s how my daddy makes deals - he shakes on it, she says holding out her hand.

It’s a deal.  We shake then play rockin’ robin tweedle leet.  You’re supposed to have four people to play this game, but since it’s just us, that’s all we need.  It’s almost like patty cake but with a whole lot more claps.

After we finish playing and Lyz’s daddy calls her back in the house, I hurry up and leave from Lyz’s house because I know that my aunt is gonna be waiting on me with a switch if I don’t get there soon.  My breakfast is probably still warming up, and she gets mad when I don’t eat.  She says that I’m too small to miss a meal and very blessed that I can eat my fill.

Going into the house, I see Aunt May standing up in the kitchen.  It’s about time you get your lil’ tail back here so you can eat.  Just about to turn the food off.  Come on up here and tell me how much you want, she says turning back toward the stove.

Why didn’t you tell me that Lyz was moving, Aunt May?  I ask walking up beside her near the stove.

She leaving? She leaving to go where?

Yeah, didn’t you know already?  I ask her thinking that Lyz told me that she already knew about it.

Is this enough grits?

Yes, ma’am.

Secret, I didn’t know, and if I did know, I sho’ would have told you, chile, she says handing me my plate.  Where she going?

I take my plate to the table.  She going somewhere called Sher-a-ton.

Oh yeah?  We got a lot of people that live over yonder in Sheraton.

Where’s it at? I ask her stuffing my mouth full of grits and eggs.

Some ways away near The Plains Village where I grew up.  Yeah, that’s a mighty good place to be I tell ya.  When I was growing up anyway, there wasn’t hardly no bad people around ya’.  No ma’am.  Could even leave your door open wide at night, and nobody would come in and help they self.  She puts the grits pot in the sink and lets it fill up with water so it can soak.

Can we go and visit them when they leave because I just know I’ma be bored nowadays, especially when I get in third grade.  Who’s gonna sit by me, Aunt May, and, then, when I forget my homework, who’s gonna let me copy. . .

Alright now, chile.  I done told you ‘bout that copy mess.  You smart enough, and you sho’ don’t need no best friend to tell you no answers.  She creeps over to the broom behind the kitchen door.  There are gonna be plenty of chillin in there to meet and play with, so don’t go getting yourself all made up for something else.

I hope she’s right on target because if she ain’t, third grade is gonna be bad, bad, bad.  In second grade, Lyz is the only person I ever used to play with.  Man, this ain’t even fair.

That’s not fair, Aunt May, I say taking a gulp of my milk.

Ain’t nothing been fair since I been alive, chile, and I’m still waiting on it to change, she laughs.

Is my mom from Sheraton?

Aunt May stares at me and leans back over the sink.  What makes you ask a question like that for, sugar?

Just wanna know, I say with my head down.  I feel pretty bad when I ask about my mom because nobody talks about her to me.  It seems like they get all sad when I do say something about her.

Well, as a matter of fact, Secret, she ain’t from down there, she says wiping down the counter with a wet rag. 

Where’s she from?  I hope she don’t get mad at me.

From right down here.  Right here in this here place, she says with a long sigh.

Do you know where she lives now?

Not here, baby, not here.  Not anymore, she says shaking her head.

Do you  have a picture of her? 

She looks at me.

Why do you get so sad when I ask about Jocelyn, Aunt May?

Because I love you, baby, and I wanted you to know who she was before she left.

Why did she leave?

She didn’t like it here, darling.

She can come back and visit, can’t she?  Like U.J.

I don’t know because you see, chile, she explains coming over next to me, I ain’t heard from Jocelyn in years, and oh how I miss her.  I don’t know where she is, but I hate she missing out on a youngun like you.  You know, you look like the both of ‘em, too.

The both of ‘em?

Jocelyn and your grandmamma, Rain.  Yep, ya’ll like peas in a pod.

Aunt May walks on to her room after that and takes a nap.  For some reason, I never ever get a good answer from nobody about my momma.  Like where she is?  I know somebody gotta know, including my Uncle Junior.  How come he didn’t tell me nothing about her when he was down here?  What if she lives up there with him?  Why don’t she want to see me?

I go over to the bathroom and sit up on the sink to look in the mirror.  My face ain’t all that ugly, is it?  Nope, can’t be because my aunt always tells me that I’m cute.  Bet she don’t want me because I was bad when she had me, but I ain’t bad now, so why don’t she come on back here.  She don’t even write.  She sounds pretty mean to me because every other momma I see loves their kids.

Hopping down off the counter, I go and get a piece of paper and pencil.  I write down everything my aunt told me about Jocelyn, so when she does come back to see me, I can make her feel good about all the stuff I know about her.  Yeah, she gonna love me then I bet.  When I finish writing everything I know about her, I take it and put it in a small box so I can hide it outside so nobody’ll find it.  Only I will know where it is.  Where outside do I hide it, though?  I can put it in them bushes, but then I won’t be able to pour the mop water there anymore, and if I forget, I’ll end up messing it all up with that dirty mop water anyway.  I know!  I’ll put it under the house.  Yep.  That way, the weather won’t get to it neither.

Aunt May, I’ma go outside in the yard for a minute.  I ain’t gonna go nowhere else!  I yell while running out of the screen door.  I take off down the steps and almost trip up on a rock I put on the bottom one for a roley poley to play on.  I hope she don’t have the lock on that wooden door that covers up the way into the bottom of the house.  When I get around there, I can see that there’s not a bit of lock on the door, so I creep on in.

Ouch! I catch a splinter in my hand. Stupid old door.

Looking around, I sho’ hope ain’t no snakes around here to bite me.  Bet I’ll be dead down here for days because my poor aunt couldn’t find me down here if she tried. 

Lord, please, help me find a good place to put it, I pray with my hands balled up under my chin.  That’s when I see it.  There’s a hole in the side of the wall near a big old trunk.  That’s where I’m gonna put it, too.  Right there.  I run over to it and stick it in the hole.  A spider crawls out on my hand.  I start to scream my lungs out but remember that this is a secret spot, so I jump around trying to fling it off of me.

Get off of me, stupid spider, It falls and takes off in the dust.  I look down at my shoes.  Boy, are they dirty now.  I’m gonna have to spray them with the water hose before Aunt May gets back up.  She’ll know that I was doing something wrong, and I don’t want her mad at me.  I look back at the door.  That’s a mighty big jump to get back up on the ground.  I shoulda’ looked at that before I even jumped down here in the first place.  I better not get stuck neither ‘cause I got school next week, and I ain’t staying down here for no long time.  Backing all the way up to the hole in the wall, I rock back and forth. 

One, two, three, I count and take off running to the door.  I get there and jump.  My hands hit the top part of the ground, and I bang my knee up against the side of the wall.

Ouch!  I put my foot on the wall and try to climb up the side while pushing my body up.  Finally, I reach the top of the ground.  After I stand up, I rub my knee because it’s stinging.  That hurt.  I’m gonna have to find a different way to get in and out of there because, one day, I bet I’ll get stuck.  I shut the door and go back into the house.

––––––––

Time for school.  Aunt May already came to wake me up, and I don’t even feel like going.  Most of the time when I get ready for the first day of school, me and Lyz would wear the same colors, but today is not like that at all.  She’s gone, and I don’t have anybody to walk with to school either.  I go into the bathroom and start brushing my teeth.  I hate the kind of toothpaste my aunt gets from the store.  It has baking soda in it, and it tastes so nasty.  She told me one time that her family used to brush their teeth with plain old baking soda because they didn’t have enough money to buy no other type of toothpaste.  I think I woulda’ gone on with the stink mouth if I was living back then with her.

After I brush my teeth, I wash my face and body in the tub.  I don’t like taking baths either.  I was supposed to take one last night, but I didn’t, so she’s making me take one this morning.  Aunt May said that this is my last time doing this, too, because you’re not supposed to go straight outside after taking a bath in the morning because you might catch a cold.  I don’t think so because it ain’t even cold outside, so how can I catch a cold in the hot weather.

Aunt May, I call her from the bathroom. 

What you want, honey?  Hurry and come and eat some food and get on to school.

I don’t want to go.

You going, I hear her say as I let the water out of the tub.

I don’t have nobody to walk with down there.

So.  Last time I checked you only needed two legs to walk, not four.

I close the bathroom door so I can dry off.  I’m used to walking to school with Lyz, though, Aunt May.

I can’t hear her say anything back.  That means I must be in trouble now - again.  I didn’t even do nothing.  Walking to my room with my towel wrapped around my body, I peek out into the kitchen.  Where’s Aunt May?

Secret.

I ‘bout hit the ceiling.

Yes ma’am, I say flipping around to see her standing at the door of my room.

I don’t want no foolishness this morning about Lyz.  You hear me?  she demands with a stern voice.

Yes ma’am.  Folding my hands together, I try to look as pitiful as I can so I won’t get a hand slap across my face.

Now come on in here and get dressed for school,  she says pointing into my room.

Yes ma’am.

I walk into my room with my head down because I feel Aunt May’s eyes on me.  And her eyes hurt, too.  They feel like they’re about to burn through my skin.  My back is now facing her and I’m close to my bed, but I still feel her looking at me.  I turn my head a little bit, and, yep, she’s still staring me dead in the back. 

Your first day is gonna be fine, chile, she says, Now go on and get some clothes on.

––––––––

I walk to school alone, and it’s boring, too.  Before leaving home, I looked over to see if Lyz was really gone, and she is.  I wish she’d come on back home.  I bet anything that some mean people are gonna move over there in her old house.  Me and my aunt should go over there to live because it’s bigger than our house.  Lyz’s house has three bedrooms and a big ole living room.  Aunt May wouldn’t move there anyway even if it is bigger because it has too many steps to climb to get to the bedrooms.  She’ll be passed out by the time she gets to the halfway point of the stairwell.

I hear the train coming, so I step back away from the rocks near the railroad tracks.  If you stand too close, you can feel the ground vibrating as the train gets closer to you.  That’s how you know if you are standing too close.  While the train is going by, I stand next to a tree and wait because this train is normally short and takes no time going on it’s way.

Hey, Secret.

My body feels like I just got shocked with a electric plug.

It’s me. . .Janis.  Can I walk with you to school after the train goes by?

Yeah, but you scared me though.

Where’s Lyz?

She don’t live here no more, so I’m walking by myself this morning.  What are you doing over here?

This is a short cut my father taught me so I can get to school on time.  You ready for third grade?  I bet it’s going to be fuuun, she says excitedly poking her neck out.  She’s a short girl and loose haired.  She ain’t never had a nap to pop up in her hair yet.

How do you know?

Because I heard that third grade is the best grade out of all six of ‘em.

My best friend is not here, so I don’t have anybody to play with or sit by like you do.

I don’t have nobody to sit by either, Secret.  Whose class are you in?

Mrs. Sanders.  My aunt called the school this morning for me and found out.

Me, too, she says jumping up off the ground.  Do you wanna sit by me?

Yeah, that’s a good idea, I respond.  I’m so glad I won’t be sitting with a bunch a people that I don’t know.  My aunt musta’ been praying for me this morning.  The train finally passes, and we walk to school together.

––––––––

Recess

Secret, grab the other end of the rope.  We gonna double dutch.  Janis, you go first.

Okay, but don’t start turning the ropes until I step inside ‘cause I can’t jump in from the outside, Janis says tying up her shoelaces.

Why do I always have to turn the rope?

Because, Secret, you take all day long to trip up on the rope, and nobody else’ll get a turn, says Janis.

I can’t help it ‘cause I can jump, Janis.  Bet I can even beat Raven, I challenge just to get a chance to jump.

How much you wanna bet? Raven snaps back while holding the other end of the rope.

I pull out my peanut brittle that my Aunt May made for me last night.

I’ll bet my candy on it.  Freshly made, too, last night.

Raven drops the rope.  Janis, turn this ‘cause I’m about to win this candy.  Remember to count my steps, and, Secret, don’t trip me neither.

I won’t.  Just jump.  I’ll put my brittle back in my pocket because you won’t be gettin’ it today.

Watch and see.

Janis and I start turning the rope.  Raven jumps in after the third turn, and we begin counting.

One, two, three, four, five and jive, skiptoseven, ten, eleven . . .

Shoot, I’m not counting no more.  Janis, keep going because she not gonna get to no more than thirty.

Shut up, Secret! Raven yells, I’m concentrating.

Raven gets to number one hundred.  Pretty high, but not high enough.

Secret, you may as well go ‘head and give up the candy, she brags panting while stepping back from the ropes.

Not yet, I say dropping the ropes.  One hundred ain’t nothing big.

I jump in on the first turn just to show off.  I even did twists and turns just to make myself look like the champ even though I made it to one hundred and twenty only once.  Don’t know if I can do it again either.  That’s the only piece of peanut brittle I can have today, too.  Oh no.

Look at, Secret.  Blubba, blubba, blubba.  Looks like she trying to catch flies with her lips flapping like a dog.  Them big ole lips.

I look over and trip on the rope.  Only sixty-five.

I guess I won the candy.  Raven drops the ropes.

The boys run off.  I feel stupid. And ugly.  Plus I lost my candy.

The only reason you won is because of them, I whimper with tears trying to ooze from my eyes and pointing at them dumb boys.

So!  I still won.  With your big ole lips.  She snatches the candy from me and runs to brag about it.  She makes me sick.  I know I coulda’ beat her any day.

Janis walks up beside me.  Next time will be different, so don’t worry about her.  She knows that you can dust her.

I look her in her face, then turn and walk away.  It’s not even that I lost the dumb bet.  It’s how I lost it.  I leave the park to go eat the rest of my lunch in the classroom.  Before I go inside, I stop to look inside the window.  Nope, not at the desks and not to see if anyone was inside, but to see my reflection.  My hair is pulled back into two ponytails that my Aunt May platted.  And she did a good job, too.  She put little bows on the ends in my favorite color - yellow.  Look at my eyes.  Aunt May always said I have big eyes.  I don’t understand what’s so big about them, but I’ll take her word for it.  She said that when I was a baby, they took over my whole face.  My lips.  I guess they take over now.  I don’t think they’re so big.  Shoot, I see other people’s lips, too, and they’re just the size of mine.  I turn to the side to see how far they stick out, but every time I twist my eyes back to the window, my head turns, too.  Oh well.

I walk into the classroom which I’m not allowed to be in at recess time, but I don’t want to play anymore.  Done got my candy taken by some people that pick on me.  I bite my sandwich.  I hope  Mrs. Sanders doesn’t walk in.  She might try to paddle me, and I bet I’ll have some bad news for her.  She won’t catch me because I’m too fast.  Her old bones always tryin’ to paddle somebody and for anything.  Talkin’ ‘bout say yes ma’am.  I take another bite of my sandwich.  I don’t even like her, so why say yes ma’am.  Now, if I had Mrs. Josephine Booker as my teacher, I would be in heaven.  She even gives her class a treat for doing good all week.  I would say yes ma’am all week long for her.

Secret.

I look up.

Secret, you know you can’t be in here at recess time. It’s Janis, she’s whispering like somebody else is in here with us.

It looks like I’m in here now don’t it - and I’m still alive.

She comes on through the door.  Don’t be mad at me.  I don’t pick on you.  Now you see how I feel when they call me half-n-half, she says walking closer to me.

Well, I drink my punch, You are half-n-half.

I know I am, but I’m mostly black, not white.  And look at you -  you don’t have no little lips, but they’re yours.  My mom says to be proud of who you are, and you’ll be proud of what you look like.  That’s why I don’t pick.

Janis, I’m not as ugly as people think.  My aunt says that one day my body will catch up to every other part of my face, so don’t worry.  Them stupid boys can’t make me cry anyway.  I still feel the knot in my neck where they almost did.

She reaches in her pocket.  Here.  My mom makes candy, too.

We eat it together.

––––––––

At the end of the school day, me and Janis walk home.  We should become best friends because I didn’t know that she was this nice.  She could be my second best friend in the whole world.  In school, sometimes I would hear things about her.  People would say that her mom thought that she was better than dark skinned people, and that’s the reason why she married a white man.  I told my aunt what I heard, and she said that the people in my class just dumb because they gotta make up stuff about stuff that they don’t understand.  That’s what dumb folks do.  Instead of learning about stuff, they lie about it.  Aunt May knew Janis’s mom ever since she was little, and she says that Janis’s mom loves being black.  She just fell in love with a white man who fell in love with her at the same time.  Nothing wrong with that.

We get to a dirt road lined with big bushes and decide to see who could skip the fastest to the other end of the road.  Now we know better than to walk down this road.  That’s a no-no.  I hear kids like my age can get snatched if we don’t watch ourselves around bushes - mainly girls.

On your mark, get set, skip!  I yell to make sure that both of us start at the same time.  We take off down the road.  While I’m skipping, I notice how thick the bushes are.  Makes me want to run and leave her back here, but she didn’t pick on me, so I won’t leave her.  I peak over at her from the corner of my eye.  She looks like she is trying to catch up . . . she stops.  I fall.

Ouch.  I get dirt all in my face, and my hands are skinned up by the small rocks on the path.  Dirt tastes just like dirt, too.  I get up and look over at Janis.  I thought she would be laughing hard, but she wasn’t.  What did I trip over?

Maybe if your lips didn’t cover your eyes up you could watch where you’re going.  Your candy was good, too!  It was Sammy.  He just tripped me up!  He just can’t leave nobody alone.  Now I’m all dirty.  I watch as he takes off running down the path.

Forget him, Secret.  He used to pick on me, too.    

Well, he’s not gonna make me cry, I say out loud.  I start to dust off my clothes when I see blood on my knee.  I wipe it with my hand, and it seems like that just made it worse.

Let’s go, Janis said, And the next time, we’ll run down the path so nobody will have a chance to do anything.

And if somebody does do something, I’ll have something for ‘em, too.  I’m not scared of him or nobody else.

I feel that stupid lump coming up in my throat again.  The cry lump.  It always hurts so bad until it makes you cry, but I won’t.  We walk until we get to the end of the path.

My house is this way, she says as she points to the right.

Bye bye, I look away and then turn back.  I’ll bring you some brittle this week, too, for payback.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

I walk in the direction of my house.  On the way there, I cry.  By the time I get home, the blood was making a ring on my shoe.

––––––––

Aunt May, am I really ugly?

As she puts a cold cloth over my leg and takes off my shoe, she twists her neck up really fast and looks me in my eyes.  Who told you that you’re ugly?

Nobody,  Jesus, forgive me.  I wanted to know, that’s all.

You a fine chile, just like your Aunt May used to look when I was a little girl.

You’re still pretty fine, Aunt May, I say grinning from cheek to cheek.

Oh no.  Your aunt is old now.  Kickin’ but not high, fluttin’ and can’t die.

I can kick for you.  You know that.

Hush, Secret, she says walking over toward the kitchen, And come on and eat your food.

And I’m hungry, too!  Talk about some good food.  Aunt May made some cornbread, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, and meatloaf.  But wait a minute, my favorite is pineapple upside down cake, and it’s sitting in the middle of the table.  Tomorrow is my birthday, and I almost forgot.  I’ll be eight years old.  It’s about time, and in another two years, I’ll be in the two digits.

We sit down and eat dinner.  Most of the time, Aunt May leads the grace, but, today, she’s motioning for me to do it. 

Thank the Lord, Secret, she says as she folds her hands and closes her eyes.

I lift my head so it can catch up with my eyes and unfold my hands.  My eyes could pop clean outta my head.  I don’t know why she wants me to say grace because her grace always sounds better than mine will ever sound.  She can say the regular grace, you know, God is great and God is good, let us thank Him for our food, but she can always put some other pretty things to say in her grace to go along with the regular one. 

Me?

Yes, you.  It’s time you show me that you know how to pray and make the Lord and me happy.  Go on.  She bows her head again and waits.

I don’t know what to say.  I mean, I know what to say, but I didn’t practice.  I don’t have to practice?

She opens her eyes again.  Secret, all you do is thank God for everything He has done and will do.  Think about how He loves you and you love Him and it’ll come.

Okay.  I know God’s not going to like this one, but I hope He does.  Dear Lord and Father God in Heaven, thank you for this food to fill our stomachs.  Please clean this food, Lord, and don’t let us get sick.  Thank you, Jesus, for blessing us, and I love you.  Amen.

I peek open one eye to look at Aunt May.

Very good, she says picking up her fork.  Praise and thank God all the time.  Always, Secret, and He’ll keep you because He loves you. . . when nobody else will.

We eat, and, boy is it good!  Every type of food that my aunt cooks, I wanna do it just like her.  When I get old enough, she’s gonna teach me.  Until then, I can deal with just eating, not the cooking.  It seems too hard right now.  First you have to have the right amount of this stuff to mix with that stuff, and, even when you cook a cake, you have to walk slow through the house or it’ll fall.  Wonder why?  One time, I ran through the house when Aunt May had a cake in the oven, and when it got good and ready for the cake to come out, it was flat.  Flat as