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    Let Me Put My Poems In You: Love! Sex! Comedy! Prejudice?
    Let Me Put My Poems In You: Love! Sex! Comedy! Prejudice?
    Let Me Put My Poems In You: Love! Sex! Comedy! Prejudice?
    Ebook149 pages56 minutes

    Let Me Put My Poems In You: Love! Sex! Comedy! Prejudice?

    By Matthew James

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    About this ebook

    Perhaps the greatest book of poetry ever written. Matthew James is a sheer genius and a cunning linguist. He paints words onto a page the way da Vinci did onto ceilings, or was that Michelangelo? Either way, he’s impressive. The emotionality of this master work explodes from the pages and hits you straight in the face with a walloping force. This book will mesmerize and provocatize. Nothing is taboo to Matthew James. He regularly breaks boundaries with his insights on subjects like sex, liquor fuelled promiscuity, and women. Considered by the Incas to be a cross between William Shakespeare and Wilt Chamberlain, Matthew James is truly a genius of our time. Please, let him put his poems in you. They won’t disappoint.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherEngage Books
    Release dateFeb 14, 2015
    ISBN9781772260137
    Let Me Put My Poems In You: Love! Sex! Comedy! Prejudice?
    Author

    Matthew James

    Matthew James was born and raised on Vancouver Island in the province of British Columbia. He claims to have sprung to fame playing Matthew Perry’s butt double in a movie once, although he has no factual evidence to back it up. Matthew James regularly performs stand-up comedy at a number of classy establishments, and a few dive bars too. He is the author of a book of smut-poetry called Let Me Put My Poems In You, a self-help book titled Don’t Be A Douchebag: A Man’s Guide to Etiquette, and the political manifesto Matthew James for President: Look Out, America! Matthew currently resides near Vancouver, Canada, with his strikingly beautiful wife and two lively young sons.

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      Book preview

      Let Me Put My Poems In You - Matthew James

      This book is dedicated to beautiful women everywhere.

      Ode to Beer

      Oh to beer, sweet sudsy beer

      Oh how it is that I revere

      Your flavours like a rainbow are

      So many choices at the bar

      Oh how am I to choose but one

      No that would not be too much fun

      You’ve been with me through thick and thin

      Through ups and downs, the vomit bin

      Oh loyal beer sweet nectar true

      It’s liquid bread it’s good for you

      Peter Piper, that Dirty Bugger

      Peter Piper piped his peter in between her

      Rock Star

      To be a rock star, I suppose

      Is to have your way with thus and those

      To lay with whom you choose to lay

      And stray with whom you choose to stray

      To be a rock star, I surmise

      Means getting her right in the eyes

      With loving juice she squeezed by hand

      Or mouth or nether region land

      Man Defined

      What meanest it to be a man

      To have a wang and be a fan

      Of sport, but firstly of woman

      Of what the Chinese call Poon Tang

      To be a man I have to say

      Means that you’ll seldom get your way

      And that you’ll always have to stay

      Faithful or else you’ll have to pay

      Ode to the Exotic Dancer

      Oh to the exotic dancer

      What would life be were you not to answer

      Your cue from the DJ to get on stage

      The clientele would surely rage

      And bachelor parties would be no longer

      My that day would be quite somber

      Oh to the exotic dancer

      Bravo

      Sea Lovers

      I do not refrain

      Nor do I restrain

      Myself at the beach

      Nothing’s out of reach

      There are two of you

      And I want to do

      Both of you right hear

      Right under the pier

      Let’s make it happen

      Aside with caution

      Take your bikinis

      Off here in the seas

      Does it not feel right?

      Here just out of sight

      Our love fest of three

      Lovers in the sea

      Neglect

      Roses are red, violets are blue

      The same color as my manhood

      When you neglect me for days

      And I’m too lazy to take matters into my own hands

      Dirty Duck

      How come ducks are always in pairs?

      Have you ever noticed that, how they’re always in pairs?

      You never see a duck by itself

      It’s always with a partner

      I’ve heard they mate for life but how do you know for sure?

      That crazy mallard could have

      A different lady duck with him every time you see him

      How would you know the difference?

      I mean they’re ducks,

      You’re telling me you can tell the difference between them?

      I don’t think so

      Therefore I’m throwing this out there

      Ducks are players

      They bounce from mate to mate

      Like Henry the eight went through wives

      So the next

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