Waiting For You

12:03 am - 29 February 2012

She’s gone.

It’s three minutes past midnight on the twenty-ninth of February and Evie is gone. She disappeared right from my arms, just like I knew she would. We both knew it was coming. She can always feel it; the darkness pulling at her, the heaviness that drags her down. I just know it’s inevitable these days, well, every four years anyway. But knowing it’s coming doesn’t make it any easier.

It actually makes it worse.

I’ll never get used to this. Never get used to the fact that I have to let her go. That I have to say goodbye to her and wait for her to find me again, knowing she won’t even remember me when she first wakes up. That she might not remember me for a long time.

It kills me watching her leave, because I know just how much she doesn’t want to go. How much both of us want her to stay. And it’s all a million times worse this time around, because this time, we have Lucia.

Our baby girl, who is too young to understand why her momma won’t be here when she wakes up in the morning. Lucia’s still here though, thank god. I’m sitting by her bed right now, watching her sleep. I came in here the second I lost Evie, because I needed to check, needed to make sure I hadn’t lost our daughter too.

I’d been half lying earlier tonight when I told Evie that nothing would happen to Lucia. Not lying exactly, just not willing to admit to her, or even to myself, how scared I really was. The truth is, we had no idea what would happen to her tonight. She wasn’t born on the twenty-ninth of February, but she was created on that day. And even though she was technically born in a leap year too, for the last four years she’s stayed with us. We both hoped that was because she wasn’t born on the day that fated Evie, but I know deep down, we’ve both been waiting for this night. For the night that claims my wife and takes her away from me, knowing this night would be the real test of whether it had all been passed on to Lucia too.

Thank fuck it wasn’t.

I’m not sure how I would’ve survived, how I possibly could’ve handled losing both of them. It would have been especially hard with Lucia, knowing how young she is. Evie and I have never found any of her earlier parents and we have no real idea about what happens to them. We don’t know whether they just cease to exist when she disappears, or whether they move somewhere else and forget all about her. We’ve never been able to find them to work it all out.

And even when Evie gets her trigger and she remembers her past families, she’s never remembered her birth parents. She was too young and this was all too strange for her to try and work out what had happened, let alone what had changed and who she’d lost.

And the thought of that happening to Lucia, the thought of us never seeing her again, never finding her, or Lucia never even remembering she is ours…Fuck, that’s something I knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle had it actually happened tonight.

I look at my daughter, her little body curled beneath her Avengers blanket. A gift from my sister, who gave her a superhero blanket because she claimed she didn’t want her niece being forced into gender stereotypes. It’s one of her favourite things, something she insists on taking everywhere she goes. Right now, she sleeps soundly beneath it, her body relaxed and at peace. She knows who she is and where she is. She hasn’t been lost and she hasn’t forgotten anything, especially that she’s with the two people who love her the most.

Only one of them isn’t here right now.

God, it has to work this time, it has to. Because this time, we’ve got a plan, a strategy.

I lift my hand, angling it so the glow from Lucia’s nightlight catches the four letters that are now permanently tattooed onto my skin.

Evie.

She has my name tattooed on her finger too. A permanent wedding band she calls it. I call it our key – the key to unlocking her memories straightaway. I know her other ring, the one I slid onto her finger six years ago, won’t go with her. The first time she disappeared after we got married, she left it behind. A tiny piece of her, which was all I had left. She did take something with her though. Something neither of us realised was even possible. Something neither of us had even thought about.

Lucia.

I stare at our daughter again, knowing she is a miracle in so many ways. The fact that she went with Evie last time, the way she triggered Evie’s memory of me when she eventually realised what was happening to her. And the idea she gave us, to try and find a permanent reminder.

I don’t know why we never thought of this before, I really should have. It’s all so obvious now. All those lost years, they could’ve all been erased if we’d just come up with it earlier. But I was too busy looking for patterns, looking for a way to find her or make her stay. What I should have realised was that what we really needed was a trigger, a reminder. That’s all Evie’s ever needed, a reminder to bring her memories back.

But it’s too late to worry about that now and it won’t matter anymore because this is going to work. It has to work.

And when it does, all of this will be over. We can’t change it and we can’t stop it, I’ve tried. But these permanent marks we both now have on our skin will be our loophole. This is what will give Evie her memories back. And this is what will bring Evie back to me, to me and Lucia. We won’t have to wait for her anymore.

I exhale, my hand resting on Lucia’s foot as I watch her sleep. I’ve never wanted time to go as fast as I want it to right now. Most days, I just want to hang on to it, slow it right down and hang on to every second I get with Evie.

But that’s the problem with time, when you never want to let something go, the hours fly past quicker than you’d ever believe possible. But when you want something quickly, every single second drags.

There are times when I really hate the sound of a ticking clock. Its soft beats tormenting me with every second that’s passing me by, every second that’s bringing me closer to losing her. But then when she’s gone, then I can’t take my eyes off the time, counting down the minutes until she comes back.

There’s no clock now though. Now I can only hear the soft music that plays in Lucia’s room, lulling her to sleep. Her room is filled with photos of the three of us, of her grandparents and Aunt Rachel, her new Uncle James. Reminders of her family, of all the people who love her, even though I now know these are things she will never forget.

Looking at them, at all of these memories, makes me think of all the things I’ve hung onto as well. The secret mementos I’ve kept over the years. All the letters I’ve written to Evie. It makes me smile and I know that when this works tomorrow, when she comes back to me for good, I’m going to give her everything. When it works and all of this is over, I’m going to show Evie what I really do when she’s gone, which has always been so much more than just wait.

I need to go and write one more though.

One more, just to let her know.

I push out of my chair and lean in and press a gentle kiss to Lucia’s head. She sighs in her sleep and it makes me smile as my heart skips a beat in my chest. Our beautiful baby girl.

I watch her for a few seconds more, but she doesn’t wake up. Then I turn and walk quietly out of her room. In the living room, I grab some paper and a pen before I sit down on the couch and write Evie one last letter from me.

6:33 am - 29 February 2012

The sun shines into our bedroom, waking me up. I roll over, my hands reaching for Evie, but she’s not here. When I open my eyes, I see her side of the bed is empty and the sheets are cold. I knew she wouldn’t be here, but a part of me always hopes. I glance at the clock, see it’s early, too early maybe?

Dadda? comes a quiet voice at the door.

I roll over again, sitting up as I see Lucia. Hey, baby, I say, smiling as I reach a hand out to her. Come here. She smiles as she runs towards the bed and climbs in; her Avengers blanket gripped tightly in her little hand. How you doing? I ask, pulling her into a hug as I plant a kiss on her cheek.

Where’s Momma? she asks, looking at the empty bed beside me.

Where’s Momma? Good question and one I wish I knew the answer to. I glance at my phone, which is charging on the bedside table beside me. It’s not on silent, because I couldn’t bear the thought of missing her call if she happened to wake up in the middle of the night and saw her tattoo. But she didn’t and the longer this morning goes on without her calling, the more I’m going to worry that maybe this hasn’t worked after all.

Maybe we were wrong to ever think it would.

Dadda? Lucia asks again, reminding me of how we came up with this plan in the first place.

I let out a deep breath. I have to give her something. Momma had to go away, I say, smiling at our daughter.

She stares up at me, her big blue eyes watching me with a look that’s far older than her four years. Where? she asks.

I pull her closer, wrapping my arms around her as she crawls onto my lap, knowing I can’t give Lucia an answer to that question, certainly not one that makes any sense. She’s too young and there’s no way she can possibly understand what happened last night, what happens every four years. Evie and I don’t even understand, we never have.

She just went away, I say, letting go as Lucia wriggles from my arms and climbs over me to Evie’s side of the bed. But she’ll be back very soon, baby, I add, even though I have no idea if this is true.

Can we have pancakes? Lucia asks now, looking up at me with a hopeful expression on her face.

I smile down at her, smoothing her hair with my hand as she just accepts my answer about where Evie has gone and is now only interested in having pancakes for breakfast. How nice it would be if everything were always that simple?

We can have pancakes, Lucy-Lu, I say, climbing out of bed. Lucia stands on the bed now and starts jumping up and down, clapping her hands as she squeals her approval. I reach over and tickle her, loving the laugh she lets out as I do, the way she tries to get away.

She is so much like Evie.

Eventually, I pick her up and together we walk out into the kitchen, where I pull a chair up to the kitchen bench and stand her on it. Want to help? I ask, as I start pulling out a bowl and ingredients. Lucia nods and I smile, grateful for the distraction she’s given me as we start to make breakfast.

I’m just sitting down to my second cup of tea when I hear the phone ring. I look around the kitchen, as though I’m somehow expecting it to be here when I realise I’ve left it in the bedroom.

Shit, I whisper, glancing at Lucia, who is busy eating and not paying any attention. I run to our bedroom and reach for the phone, not bothering to look at the number on the screen. If it’s Evie, I won’t recognise it anyway.

Hello, I say, my heart pounding in my chest. Please let it be her. Please.

Ben, it’s me, she says.

Evie. It’s a voice I’d recognise anywhere. A voice I could never forget and a voice I long to hear. I can’t stop the smile that breaks out on my face, running a hand through my hair as my heart practically bursts from my chest now.

Hey, baby, I say, sinking