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    The Secret Life of Pigeons
    The Secret Life of Pigeons
    The Secret Life of Pigeons
    Ebook82 pages1 hour

    The Secret Life of Pigeons

    By Nampil Je

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    About this ebook

    A eclectic mix of darkly surreal short stories by Nampil Je, these tales depict a range of subjects - from fast talking party crashers to solitary travellers. Nampil Je's stories reveal a world where our relations with the inanimate, the utilirarian, the fantastic and the ethereal are as much a part of his character's general cognizance as their internal musings. The stories of 'The Secret Life of Pigeons' are punctuated by the beautiful and complex drawings of Eva Roca, which aside from their synergy with the text are themselves objects of wonder and rumination for the reader.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherNampil Je
    Release dateFeb 21, 2015
    ISBN9781311198068
    The Secret Life of Pigeons
    Author

    Nampil Je

    Nampil Je walks unrecognised in the world, an elusive figure, shunning the limelight and hugging the shadows, though they hug him back not. Perhaps he is not of this world, who can tell?

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      Book preview

      The Secret Life of Pigeons - Nampil Je

      THE SECRET LIFE OF PIGEONS

      a collection of short stories

      by

      Nampil Je

      illustrated by

      Eva Roca

      Smashwords Edition

      Copyright 2014 Nampil Je

      Illustrations

      Copyright 2014 Eva Roca

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

      CONTENTS

      Mrs B and The Chair

      Luv, My Arse

      The Secret Life of Pigeons

      Phonecall

      80 East

      Obsessive

      Fifteen Minutes

      Island

      Early That Morning

      Maggie

      My Uncle Louis

      Network

      Sixty Six

      Nomansland

      Tell No Tales

      The Importance of Good Grammar

      To my mum and dad who would have probably thought

      'What the hell is he on about?'

      Every word of this book is completely true

      except for the bits I made up

      T

      he chair wasn't very pleased when Mrs. B. sat down.

      Mrs B and The Chair

      The chair wasn't very pleased when Mrs. B. sat down. It didn't actually think Oh no, here comes Mrs. B. What shall I do now? Chairs aren't actually capable of rational thought. They can't analyse a particular situation and predict a possible outcome.

      Well that's not strictly true, said the chair, We are capable of understanding Newtonian physics. We do understand the basic laws of thermodynamics. We do know that if the downward force is greater than the upward force then the downward force prevails. It's quite simple really.

      Now, I've talked myself out of some extremely tight corners in my time, but if I have to argue with a chair which claims to understand thermodynamics two sentences after I've stated that chairs are incapable of rational thought, I need to be doing some very quick thinking.

      They say that actions speak louder than words, so I gave one of the legs a good hard kick. At once there was a loud crack and the chair collapsed, sending Mrs. B. sprawling and silencing the damn seat once and for all.

      ********

      Having recently been repaired by the one and only Gepeto the Carpenter, the chair was in buoyant mood, ready for the annual village fair musical chairs marathon. On seeing Mrs. B's approaching posterior however, it quickly sank into deep despair. It had every confidence in Gepeto, a carpenter of great renown, whose work was respected throughout the known world. But there were certain limitations imposed by the laws of physics concerning mass, force, kinetic energy and so on, which could prove disastrous when applied to the relationship between the chair and Mrs B's brobdingnagian bottom.

      I feel I must interject at this point, interjected the chair, that this is only true under certain circumstances.

      I could tell that the damned seat was about to give me another one of its lectures on Sir Isaac bloody Newton.

      That's what you think, said the chair. Newton's for wimps. It's old hat. Now quantum theory is where it's at. Opens up a whole new range of possibilities. Much more exciting.

      Oh God no! If there's anything I can't stand it's a smart-ass seat.

      With quantum physics we can do all kinds of things that we can't do with Newton. For instance we can exist and not exist at the same time, on condition that we are a cat in a box of course. And we can exist at two distinct points in the universe at the same time. That's my favourite one.

      At this point Mrs. B's backside started to descend towards the chair. This would surely be the end of this irritating piece of furniture, and if not, my foot was at the ready. Then, just as she made contact, another chair, an exact replica, materialised beside the first, and the two chairs together comfortably supported Mrs B's ample cheeks.

      See. We told you so, chanted the chairs in unison, sounding a little too much like Phil Collins for my liking.

      I burnt all the chairs just in case there was another one hiding away.

      ********

      As soon as I walked into the dentist's surgery I saw that awful chair, sitting there in the middle of the waiting room, innocent as you like. Well, it looked identical to the damn seat anyway.

      I sat down and picked up a copy of House and Garden and buried myself in an article on bricks and their usage in the modern garden.

      Did you know that there are five stages in the making of bricks?

      I looked around. There was nobody else in the room. Shit! I realised at once what it was.

      The first step is called 'winning' which is basically mining the clay...

      Shut up, I hissed. I don't want to know.

      Oh. Sorry if I've offended you in some way.

      You're a fucking chair, I was beginning to raise

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