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    Funny Jokes For All Occasions
    Funny Jokes For All Occasions
    Funny Jokes For All Occasions
    Ebook65 pages40 minutes

    Funny Jokes For All Occasions

    By Martin Kerrigan

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    About this ebook

    "I'd rather be a glow worm.
    "A glow worm's never glum.
    "it's hard to be down-hearted,
    "When the sun shines out your bum."
    Anonymous.

    With these words of wisdom, the reader of Jokes for all Occasions begins an hilarious, odd, strange thinking journey through a unique collection of hundreds of jokes collected from many people and places and life experiences. Sort of how Douglas Adams looked at the universe.

    Most importantly, you will learn a rhyme which GENUINELY and CORRECTLY rhymes "PURPLE"!!

    Absolutely true! It is genius!!!

    Everybody knows that the essence of a joke is in the timing.

    A few, deft words at exactly the right moment, can bring the house down with gales of laughter.

    A few, ill-timed words at exactly the wrong moment, can make you wish to crawl into a hole and wither away. Actually, this happened to the author many years ago.

    A good friend of ours had lost her mother a week previously and we had all attended the funeral. The next week, to take her mind off her loss, we had taken her out to dinner. Arriving home at her place very late, Jane still courteously asked us in for coffee.

    Thoughtful and stupid as ever, I quickly said to Jane, "Won't your mummy and daddy mind?"

    To which Jane replied with a straight face, "My mum died last week."

    Oh.

    Yet, for all that stupidity, a well-timed joke is a joy to the world. Who can ever forget the brilliant set-up by the creators of American Pie with the nerdy Alyson Hannigan constantly saying, "This one time...at band camp."

    Still makes you smile, doesn't it.

    Jokes can be used with affection, with mischief and with malice. The same few words in different circumstances can offer laughter or start a fight.

    The jokes in Jokes for all Occasions are spread across a number of broad categories:
    Miscellaneous (Who ARE these people?)
    Men and Women and Other Aliens
    Idiots
    Clever (I use the term loosely.)
    Blonde Jokes (Just a few variations on a theme)
    Disturbing (Some people are just WIERD!)
    Truth in a Joke
    Ironic - Like rain on your wedding day.
    Huh? (This was originally named wtf? but I thought better of it.
    Chuck Norris - The Greatest Human Being - Ever.
    Longer Jokes

    Basically clean. Rated at worst PG. These jokes will bring laughter to your lips and air to your lungs.

    Air to your lungs is always a good thing.
    As the wonderful Spike Milligan has inscribed on his gravestone:
    "I told you I was sick!"

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMartin Kerrigan
    Release dateMar 2, 2015
    ISBN9781501421181
    Funny Jokes For All Occasions

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      Book preview

      Funny Jokes For All Occasions - Martin Kerrigan

      Introduction

      "I’d like to be a glow worm.

      "A glow worm’s never glum.

      "It’s hard to be down hearted

      When the sun shines out your bum.

      Author Unknown

      Jokes are as old as humanity. From the moment the first caveman laughed as he watched his brother drop his club onto his toe, humans have discovered that laughter is really the best medicine. Laughter opens the chest and exercises the lungs. We now know that it also releases endorphins, the feel good hormones, into our body and brain. Laughter really does make us feel better.

      Try simple experiment. While you are sitting here reading this book, right now, smile to yourself. Nothing else. Just put a smile on your face. Wait five seconds. You feel happier already. This works like a charm.

      One of the earliest jokes recorded was found on the tomb of an Egyptian Pharaoh.

      Just received a funny text from my Egyptian mate:

      Head of Crested Bird, Wing, Jackal, Gazelle, Rope, Harpoon, Boat, Sitting Man.

      Lol!

      Sorry. I just made that up.

      The way we view the world has grown with us since birth. We build our own unique manner of processing and reacting to different situations. The world is so full of stimulation and information, from what the Kardashians are doing to the crowning of Paris Hilton as the Queen of England, (I made that bit up too.), and other matters of lesser importance such as wars, earthquakes and nuclear meltdowns, we are bombarded with information in our switched on, interconnected world. Having your responses ready, created by previous experience, is a good, short-hand way of handling the overload.

      The best jokes, the ones that I like anyway, are the ones that make you see the world in a slightly different way. Or they take a different meaning or a different view of something so every day familiar that, perhaps, we no longer notice it.

      I, personally, look forward to a day when a chicken can cross the road and not have her motives questioned.

      Aside from humans, only two other animals laugh. The kookaburra bird of Australia and the jackal of Africa. Kookaburras laugh because they are a top range predator bird with no enemies and look both beautiful and tough. Imagine Ripley in Alien, wearing feathers.

      I don’t like to think why jackals laugh, but I am pretty certain I would not like to know if they told me. Hello, weak and tasty dinner. Hahahahahahaha.

      Monkeys seem to have a sense of humour as well. I have seen young monkeys annoying the heck out of their elders just because they can. Watching, I just know that they love it.

      However, jokes are not always just enlightening. They can often be cruel and cutting. Jokes can prolong prejudices and unthinking. They can be used to exclude and marginalize.

      The jokes in this book

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