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    The Penis Monologues
    The Penis Monologues
    The Penis Monologues
    Ebook153 pages2 hours

    The Penis Monologues

    By Harry Harris

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    About this ebook

    I won't beat around the bush; Eve Ensler made me do it. Ever since she wrote that remarkable book, 'The Vagina Monologues,' which gave women yet another reason to be proud of themselves, making the bond between them even stronger...and frustrating the hell out of us men in the bargain, I knew I had to write, THE PENIS MONOLOGUES. Hopefully, it will put the PENIS back at the head of the table where it belongs and give us men back our balls.

    This then, is a HUMOROUS account of the grandeur of man's PENIS, and why it is envied by women throughout the world.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHarry Harris
    Release dateMar 13, 2015
    ISBN9781311322753
    The Penis Monologues

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      Book preview

      The Penis Monologues - Harry Harris

      The Penis Monologues

      A Humorous account of the grandeur

      of man’s penis

      .

      By

      Harry Harris

      Copyright 2015 Harry Harris

      Published by HERCULES-APOLLO MYSTERIES

      at Smashwords

      Smashwords Edition License Notes

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Table of Contents

      #Introduction

      #prologue

      #Thestory

      #AboutAuthor

      #Otherbooks

      Introduction

      I won't beat around the bush; Eve Ensler made me do it. Ever since she wrote that remarkable book, 'The Vagina Monologues,' which gave women yet another reason to be proud of themselves, making the bond between them even stronger…and frustrating the hell out of us men in the bargain, I knew I had to write, THE PENIS MONOLOGUES. Hopefully, it will put the PENIS back at the head of the table where it belongs and give us men back our balls.

      This then, is a HUMOROUS account of the grandeur of man's PENIS, and why it is envied by women throughout the world.

      Harry Harris

      Prologue

      LAUGHTER is good for more than just bringing a smile to your face, it’s a total body experience. During laughter the heart beats faster, blood flow increases, the lungs expel carbon dioxide, tears cleanse the eyes, adrenaline and natural pain-killers are released, muscles relax, and the immune system boosts the activity of cancer-fighting cells. If you laugh 100 times it will yield the same cardiovascular workout as 10 minutes of rowing. During a good belly laugh your heart rate can top 120 beats a minute. The benefits are the same whether it's a genuine guffaw or a fake chuckle. Laughter also has psychological benefits: it counteracts emotions such as anger and depression. Therefore, as a doctor, I urge all of you men to read, The Penis Monologues, as if it were a wild and woolly comedy. I guarantee you that the laughter will benefit your health.

      Dr. Arthur Benjamin Thomas

      B.S.; M.D.; M.S.; Ph.D.; Sc.D

      Also, Th.D. Doctor of Theology

      The Story of the Penis

      As a highly respected ‘member’ - also of society -- the Penis is happily and conveniently attached to the Male Human Being; the Man being the most highly developed of the primates, differing from other animals in having erect posture, extraordinary development of the brain, and the power of articulate language. Consequently, Man is pleased as the ‘Dick’ens to have the Penis as his extolled partner. The only drawback to this unique alliance is that the Penis spends most of its time in the dark confines of a man's britches!

      A word to the wise: Because there have been so many 'old wives' tales' concerning man's Penis, which have been bandied about throughout the ages -- cock-and-bull stories so to speak - I decided to interview as many men as I could and ask them personal questions about their 'Family Jewels.'

      The idea was to learn how men felt about their penis; if they considered its size important; if the woman's vagina was in any way intimidating to them, and if, or how, their phallus affected their lifestyle. I was also interested to learn from the men who believed in God, whether they thought the Supreme Being was a He or a She.

      I decided to get answers to those questions by interviewing men of all ages, not only fellow Americans, but also from some of the Europeans I knew that were living in this country. To my surprise, however, I found that no matter of what race, religion or nationality the men were, that, in general, when talking about their tallywackers their answers were quite similar. Unlike what I read in Ms. Ensler's, 'The Vagina Monologues', which was a celebration of female sexuality in all its complexity and mystery, I found that man's sexuality, his Penis in particular, and its relationship to women -- and sometimes to men -- was neither complex nor a mystery. I learned that men not only took a great delight in fondling their penis, -- or having it fondled by others-- but celebrated its majestic existence at the drop of a hat, or, as one of the interviewees put it, or at the drop of a woman's panties, which ever came first.

      Regardless, when I asked the men about their beloved ding¬dongs, their cognitive dissonant replies never ceased to amaze me. By cognitive dissonant I mean that although what they told me was, in general, humorous, that their comments were often ironic, contradictory, paradoxical, longwinded, insulting, and occasionally interwoven with the political topic of the day.

      I ultimately realized that their use of humor was to hide their self-consciousness when they talked about their peckers. I also found that they were apt to use 'dirty words' when discussing 'it'. Perhaps they believed that adding a bit of vulgarity was good for their ego, -- making them appear more masculine -- however, when I asked them why they had used profanity when they discussed their generative organ, they felt insulted. They said, as far as they were concerned, that using a little vulgarity now and again made good sense. They argued that sometimes there was just no way to talk about something of such a personal nature without sounding irreverent or just plain stupid. They presented me with this case in point: A guy calls his friend and screams, Dear God, my wife just cut off my finger! The whole finger? the friend asks. Naw, the guys says, the one next to it. I had to admit that, that bit of humor had not only softened the vulgar tone of the comment, but that it was a good example of cognitive dissonance.

      Some of the men's monologues are exactly as they were told to me, and some are a compilation of the interviews. I also took some of the short, interesting, comical comments that were made by the men and ran with them, enjoying them immensely; as I hope you will.

      Consequently, I found that the men I interviewed were orally oriented, genitally oriented, and/or anally oriented, and that their unusual and humorous views of their penis, and especially of the power it wields in our society, is what this book, The Penis Monologues is all about. Enjoy.

      Praise for the Precocious Penis

      As you will ascertain from some of the comments and monologues you're about to read, the Penis is handsome, uninhibited, cocky, audacious, familiar, and, of course, charitable. In other words, it's the equipment necessary for a happy relationship. And to add to its many adorable characteristics, there is, of course, a disarming and intoxicating aroma about it. And why not? ‘It hangs loose', unencumbered; It’s Not a Prisoner…as the Vagina is in a Woman’s Body.

      Some Sound Advice From The Penis File:

      ‘Would you Lie to save a relationship that you have with someone you love and cherish?’ That question brought about a slew of diverse answers from the men I interviewed. The two that I liked best, which I hope you will enjoy as well, were from Rex Rodgers who resides in Miami, Florida, and Thomas Kallas, who's from Seattle, Washington:

      Rex Rodgers:

      I love my wife and we have a great sexual relationship. As a matter of fact, my love-making leaves her speechless, so when that happens I tell her to let her fingers do the talking. I also tell her that unspeakable sexual acts are best performed with a silent partner...and that that silent partner better be me! However, I say that with tongue in cheek, because although I realize that it's a 'Man's World', we men have got to be more protective of our status in life. Why? Because women are trying to take that title from us; they're trying to make it a 'Woman's World', and they're attempting to do that in the most devious way imaginable, and that's by using the deadliest phrase that was ever concocted: 'I love you.' Allow me to give you an example of what I mean:

      Once a woman utters the phrase, 'I love you' to us, we men are screwed and I don't mean that in the biblical sense. Up until then what we felt for the woman was pure lust; suddenly she utters that phrase and we men become zombies. The phrase, ‘I love you,' does not only have us men thinking with our dicks instead of our brains, but it has turned us into liars as well; and here’s a good example: When we men are having sex with our wife or lover and she asks, 'Was it like this with you and your ex-lover?’ Look out, men, a wrong answer to that question and you may as well cut off your pecker and throw it away because you won't be using it with her for a hell of a long time. So, since we men are forced to lie, what we should say to her is: 'Oh, Honey, nothing could be like this except with you.' That's bullshit, of course, because our last girlfriend looked like Kim Basinger and screwed like a mink, but women force us men to lie because if we didn't they'd make us pay and pay and pay, and not necessarily with credit cards or hard cash.

      "Or how about when women ask us, 'Honey, how many women have you made love to before you met me?' Jesus! That's about the dumbest question a woman can ask, but you can bet your sweet ass she'll ask it. So she leaves us no alternative but to lie. So we say: 'Honey, numbers don't matter; you're the only one that counts! Get it? So, naturally, the next thing we're forced to do is hide that belt with all the notches on it.

      So after going steady for awhile she takes us to meet her family, and then, of course, comes the question: 'Well, what do you think of my relatives?' Be careful here, men, because no matter what you think of those idiots, if you want to continue playing 'Dip the Wick' with her you've got to lie. You've got to say, 'Why, Honey, your folks are fascinating.' And that's what I call a clever lie because even a rabbit finds a snake fascinating. At first.

      "But of all the questions she's bound to ask the most asinine is the one she'll ask you about her weight. So, fellows, be prepared for it. At sometime during the relationship, especially when she's naked and you're about to play 'Bury the Baloney' with her, you can bet your bottom dollar she'll ask, 'Honey, am I too fat?' Men, be leery of that question because no matter what you say you're dead meat! For instance, if you're honest and say, 'Yes, darling, 'you're a big, fat, slob, because you eat sugar and spice and everything twice,' you might as well join the Eunuch Society. And if you say, 'No, darling, I don't think you're too fat,' you can be sure she'll say, 'Oh, so you do think I'm fat but not too fat, is that it?' So once again you're in a 'no win' situation. So, my friends, what you’ve got to do is to resort in some pure, old-fashioned bullshit. You've got to look her straight in the eye and say, 'Darling, my love, I think you look great just the way you are!’ And then pray to God that you’ve said it with a straight face.

      But, men, don't worry about a thing; just remember this axiom: If you can't lie don't say a word; just turn the other cheek and 'moon' the bitch, because, as I said earlier: It’s a Man’s World and we men have got to keep it that way!

      Thomas Kallas:

      Would I lie to save my marriage or a love relationship that I cherish? I sure as hell would and I wouldn't give it a second thought. However, men, before you find yourselves in a position that forces you to lie to a woman whom you love, make sure you've done all the things that you've always wanted to do in life...because if you're in bed making love to your woman and she realizes that

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