The Leprechauns Made Me Write This

The Leprechauns Made Me Write This

Siobhán Foster

Copyright Siobhán Foster 2014

All Rights Reserved

Cover Illustration by Kestin Stewart

ISBN-13:

978-1502561404

ISBN-10:

1502561409

Also written by

Siobhán Foster

So You Think You Know Me

Available on Amazon

Facebook.com/Theleprechauns

DEDICATION

In honour of my dear friend Ken Hamilton who has been a huge source of inspiration and encouragement to me, especially in my writing. He did not live to see the finished book yet I feel his presence all around me.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

To everyone who encourages me to be me. Thank you for your love, support and guidance. A big thanks to all those who sent me jokes, allowing me to transform this Joke Book from a dream into a reality.

To everybody out there with a sense of humour, as this book would not be possible otherwise.

Contents

General Jokes 1

Blonde Jokes 84

Irish Jokes 93

Kids Honesty 120

Sex Jokes 131

Religious Jokes 150

Animal Jokes 171

Clever Women Jokes 182

Something to Think about - Ponderables 191

1 GENERAL JOKES

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked,

‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ The barber looked around his full shop and said, ‘About two hours.’ The guy left and a few days later stuck his head in the door and asked,

‘How long before I can get a haircut?’ ‘About three hours,’ was the reply. The guy left and a week later returned asking the same question.

After telling him one and a half hours the barber turned to his friend and said,

‘Hey, Bob, can you follow him and see where he goes as he has never come back for a haircut.’ After a while Bob returned to the shop, laughing.

‘So, where does he go?’ the barber asked.

‘Your house!’

******

Grandma writes:

The other day I went to a religious bookstore where I saw a, HONK IF YOU REALLY LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience!

I was stopped at the lights at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, so I didn’t notice the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found many people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled,

‘Jesus Christ,’ as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, ‘go Jesus Christ, go!’

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out of my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was a Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the lights had changed, so I stepped on the gas. It’s a good thing too, because I was the only car to make it across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there and leaned out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

LOVE YA ALL

GRANDMA

******

Dear Mom and Dad

Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on television and are worried. We are okay and only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps and it was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down, that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat bus.

He doesn’t care if we get it dirty or if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with forty five people in a bus made for twenty four. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy and he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren’t any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his concrete cast, we didn’t have any plaster. He let us take the canoe out and you can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. It was great.

Scoutmaster Keith isn’t crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steven and I threw up, but scout master Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer and ammunition. We are fine and tonight it’s my turn to sleep in the scoutmaster’s tent. Don’t worry about anything.

Love,

Johnnie

*******

Dear mum and dad,

I am well, hope you are. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the army is better than working on the farm. Tell them to get into the army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don’t get outta bed until six am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make your bed and shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing!

Men must shave, but it’s not so bad, coz there’s hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no a fillet steaks or sausages. You don’t get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we’ve been on a ‘route march,’ just like walking to the well in the meadow.

This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting, dunno why. The bull’s eye is as big as a bloody bull’s head and it doesn’t move, and it’s not firing back at you like the Johnson’s did when our bull got their cow pregnant before the Ballina show. All you gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target, piece of cake. You don’t even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes and you don’t have to steady yourself against the roller bar of the tractor when you reload. Then you gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy. It’s not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this guy from Dublin. He’s six foot eight and one hundred and forty kilos and I’m five foot six and sixty five kilos, but I fought to the end.

I can’t complain about the army. Tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sinead.

******

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying hello. I politely said,

‘This is David, could I please speak with Robert Campbell?’ Suddenly a manic voice yelled in my ear,

‘Get the right f***ing number!’ and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert’s correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled,

‘You’re a c*nt,’ and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word c*nt next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell,

‘You’re a c*nt!’ and it always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced. I thought my therapeutic c*nt calling would have to stop so, I called his number and said,

‘Hi, this is John Smith from British Telecom, I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID program?’

‘No,’ he said and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said,

‘That’s because you’re a c*nt!’

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot when some guy in a grey Landrover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a ‘For Sale’ sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first c*nt, I had his number on speed dial. I thought that I’d better call the Landrover c*nt, too.

‘Is this the man with the grey Landrover for sale?’

‘Yes, it is,’ he said.

‘Can you tell me where I can see it?’ I asked.

‘Yes, I live at one hundred and twenty-nine Alice Street. It’s a terraced house, and the car’s parked right out in front.’

‘What’s your name?’

‘My name is Steve Hansen,’ he said.

‘When’s a good time to catch you, Steve?’

‘I’m home most days as I’m currently unemployed.’

‘Listen, Steve, can I tell you something? you’re a c*nt!’ Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**holes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called c*nt #1,

‘Hello, you’re a c*nt!’ but I didn’t hang up.

‘Are you still there? Stop calling me,’ he screamed.

‘Make me,’ I said.

‘Who are you?’ he asked.

‘My name is Steve Hansen and I live at one hundred and twenty-nine Alice Street, with my grey Landrover parked out front.’

‘I’m coming over right now, Steve and you had better start saying your prayers.

‘Yeah, like I’m really scared, c*nt,’ and hung up. Then I called c*nt #2.

‘Hello’

‘Hello, c*nt,’ I said.

‘If I ever find out who you are I’ll kick your a*se,’ he exclaimed.

‘Well, c*nt, here’s your chance I’m coming over right now.’ Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at one hundred and twenty-nine Alice Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel Five News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed there, just in time to watch two c*nts beating the shit out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better. Take it from me, anger management really works.

*******

A man with no arms and no legs was sitting on a blanket at the beach. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. The English woman said,

‘Have you ever had a hug?’

The man said no she gave him a hug and walked on. The Welsh woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’

‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The Scottish woman went up to him and said in a sweet lilt,

‘Ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?’

The man broke into