Letter Man
By Chuck Kucera
()
About this ebook
In a world where customer service was delivered by postal mail instead of social media, one man dared to unleash his complaints on corporate America, armed with a single defective typewriter and a hoard of bad ideas.
Letter Man is a series of bizarre complaints and suggestions to business about their products and services. What evidence of UFOs do the people of JIF Peanut Butter have in their possession? What conspiracy against the American public is Campbell’s Soup allegedly propagating? Does Elmer’s Glue support cruel and unusual punishment? Read the complaint letter, then discover how each company chose to respond. How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? The world will finally know!
Chuck Kucera
Chuck Kucera is a non-author's author. His book, Letter Man, was never designed to be a book. After dabbling in stand-up comedy, Chuck began writing funny and outrageous letters to companies with various complaints. This was done primarily for the amusement of himself and friends. Eventually, he wrote over 70 letters, and compiled them, along with the responses he received, into what became Letter Man.
Related to Letter Man
Related ebooks
Eight or Nine Wise Words about Letter-Writing Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBecoming a Published Author: Agony and Ecstasy of Writing a Book Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Spam Letters Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Slushpile Memories: How NOT to Get Rejected (Million Dollar Writing Series) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCrumbs for a Hungry Soul Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWhat the Fuzz? Survival Stories of a Minor League Mascot Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDear DeeDee Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Summoning of Kran Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsnarratorAUSTRALIA Volume One Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPlease Let Me Help: "Helpful" Letters To the World's Most Wonderful Brands Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Adventures of Cadet Cody: The true story of how one family and their pet dog survived R-Day, Beast, and Plebe year at West Point Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTom's Two Cents: A Collection of Columns Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Scribe April 2017 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCut It Out: 10 Simple Steps for Tight Writing and Better Sentences Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHonestly: Notes on Life Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsJudge Bubba’s Christmas Letters: 1995–Present Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsNarrator Magazine NSW/ACT Autumn 2012 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Hidden Mysteries: How to Live Edition Ii Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsIcicles And A Warm Breeze Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Seam Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFrom Quill to Keyboard Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Random Acts of Poetry and Other Attempts at Humor Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Long View: Reflections on Life, God, and Nature Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFrom the Heart Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsApex Magazine Issue 125: Apex Magazine, #125 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Mechanics of Creative Writing Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPedaling On Purpose Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWhy Does My Dog Bark?: How Mind Architecture Governs Behaviour Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Culprit Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsthe post calvin: selected essays 2013-2016 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Swamp Story: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Don't Panic: Douglas Adams & The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5A Man Called Ove: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Yes Please Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Plato and a Platypus Walk Into a Bar...: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Big Swiss: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Can't Make This Up: Life Lessons Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5My Favorite Half-Night Stand Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Britt-Marie Was Here: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Farrell Covington and the Limits of Style: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for Letter Man
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
Letter Man - Chuck Kucera
Dedication
To my son, Jack.
I hope that someday this book makes you laugh.
To my wife, Stacy.
You put up with a series of verbal letters every day.
Table of Contents
Preface
Acknowledgements
Introduction
Part I – The Responders
Campbell’s Soup
JIF Peanut Butter
Ace Hardware
Life Savers
Healthy Choice
Jelly Belly
Hostess Twinkies
Mr. Phipps Tater Crisps
Brother Industries, Ltd.
Dr. Scholl’s
Kiwi Shoe Polish
Master Locks
Webster’s Dictionary
Vaseline Intensive Care
McDonald’s
PAM Cooking Spray
Wendy’s
La-Choy
Pepto Bismol
Nike
Kool-Aid
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese
Just For Men
MGM Grand
First Alert
American Airlines
Texas Instruments
The Goodyear Blimp
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
State Farm
NASA
Sylvania Light Bulbs
Pepsi
Miracle-Gro
Lender’s Bagels
Tide
Lucent Technologies
Zephyrhills
Green Giant
President Bill Clinton
Zoo Animal Crackers
Tootsie Roll
Florida Department of Transportation
Zest Soap
Part II – Dead Letter Office
Elmer’s Glue
ACLU
Bit O’Honey
1-800-Flowers
L’eggs
Motel 6
Atari
NBA
Nestle’s Quik
Trivial Pursuit
2000 Flushes
Spaghetti Warehouse
Smithsonian Institute
Domino’s Pizza
Mobil
Bill Gates
KFC
Suddenly Salad
Hoover
Taco Bell
Harvard University
The Price is Right
General Fire Extinguisher
Iowa Cubs
President Jacques Chirac
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Spring Valley Vitamins
3M
Postscript
Preface
My earliest memories of writing complaint letters to companies were earned from watching my father seek justice with a pen and paper. He worked for 3M, a manufacturing company with a strong reputation for producing high-quality products. If a product he purchased did not live up to the standard he had in mind, a letter was soon to follow. This was the 1970’s and 1980’s, when customer service was a premium in several industries, so in most cases, Dad got a satisfying response. A couple in particular stand out from my childhood.
A co-worker of his had bought a package of Old Dutch potato chips from a vending machine at work. It looked like a normal package, but had actually been sealed with no chips inside – just a big bag of air for 35 cents. The co-worker showed the bag to my Dad and was just going to throw it away. But my Dad saw the opportunity, punched a pin hole in the bad to deflate it, and mailed the mostly intact bag to Old Dutch along with his letter of complaint. Within two weeks, an apology and a case of Old Dutch potato chips were at our door.
In the mid-1980’s, Nike was big in basketball shoes. My brother was a good high school basketball player and had convinced my Dad to spend the money and buy him a pair of Nike high tops. After several months of daily basketball play, the shoes began to come apart. Seeing his investment in the high tops coming to an end decades earlier than he thought it would, Dad shipped the shoes back to Nike with a letter. Within a couple weeks, an apology and a gift certificate from Nike to replace the shoes had arrived.
Fast-forward to 1993. I was a junior in college, and would occasionally spend some of my surplus money on sports cards. Baseball season was just about to start, so a couple friends and I started buying packs of the newest 1993 baseball cards, including a popular brand called Upper Deck. Upper Deck had a reputation for producing high-quality cards, and in 1993 had introduced a card that was thicker with an ultra-glossy finish.
In March of 1993, a couple friends and I set out on a Spring Training trip to Arizona to watch exhibition baseball games. We had planned to get autographs from some of the players, so I had taken some of these new Upper Deck cards along with me to get signed.
One evening while on our trip, I had left a couple cards on the nightstand by my bed at the hotel, right next to a glass of ice water. When I woke up in the morning, condensation from the glass had formed and touched one of the cards. This caused the card to split into two pieces, one being the front of the card and the other the back. We experimented with another card and found it did the same thing when exposed to water.
Following the trip, I showed the card pieces to one of my collecting friends, explaining how the water had split the cards in two. We had heard through an industry publication that Upper Deck would replace damaged cards for any reason, as a commitment to their quality. So we decided to mail the cards back to Upper Deck for a replacement.
Being obnoxious college kids, however, we decided that rather than relay the actual events surrounding the damaged cards, we would concoct a ridiculous story about the cards to see what kind of response we would receive. So we stated that we were professional scuba divers who routinely kept cards submerged, and that we were appalled that something like a card splitting into two pieces under water could occur. To our amazement, Upper Deck wrote back, replacing the cards and offering an apology.
I was hooked. What other companies would respond to ridiculous claims about their products or services? And, given my Dad’s track record, was there a chance I could get some free stuff from the perceived shortcomings
of these companies? My letter-writing quest was under way.
Acknowledgements
Special thanks is extended to Steve Uerling, who was the co-conspirator on my initial letter to Upper Deck back in 1993 that got this whole thing started. Steve fueled the fire of many of my initial letters.
Thanks to my former co-worker, Dave Schatzmann for his idea which led to the Vaseline Intensive Care letter.
A tip of the hat to Paul Rosa, whose much funnier book, Idiot Letters, ingrained in me the idea of asking for a T-shirt from several of the companies. If you enjoy this book at all, do yourself a favor and get a copy of Idiot Letters.
Introduction
The collection of letters in this book was never intended to be a book at all. I began keeping a copy of the letters I would send after receiving the response from Upper Deck. Regrettably, I never kept a copy of that original Upper Deck letter, since I would have enjoyed reading the response much more had I kept the original letter. So I started printing an extra copy of each letter I sent to keep for reference, and of course, I always kept each company’s response letter.
The process of writing the letters was truly enjoyable. Generating the ideas for the letters was always the challenging part. Since the letters were being written for my own amusement instead of trying to complete a book, I often went months between letters, or sometimes would write 3 in one week if the right ideas came to me. During this time, I did pay a lot of attention to product labels and advertisements to see what possible complaints could be generated based upon the products’ claims.
Once I had the idea in place, writing the actual content of the letters flowed quite easily. I had taken an acting class in college about how to build a character, and approached the writing of the letters with the same process I had used in that class. I treated the author of each letter as a separate character or persona, and tried hard to get into the mindset of that character as he described his dilemma. Often, it worked very well in developing the original idea behind the letter to where I wanted it to go. Sometimes not so much.
Eventually, I had a couple dozen letters and responses that I put into a folder and gave to friends to read. The letters got a good reception from my friends. I found myself lending the folder out more and more, so I decided to make copies of the letters and get them bound so it would be easy for my friends to read and