The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen
By David Hadley
()
About this ebook
When we first met she was Emeritus Professor of Post-Colonial Marmalade at the University of Ffestiniog, and she had the sexiest elbows I had ever seen. We met at the Annual Ffestiniog Tapioca-Ignoring Convention, back in the late summer of ’83. [....]
So, begins one of the greatest love stories of our age told here for the first time in ebook form.
This collection also contains several other stories of equal import, such as:
'Shropshire Smith and the Temple of Vegetables'.
'The Famed Vegetable Killer of Grimsby'.
'The Dancing Sex Nuns of the Tenth Quadrant'.
Plus other stories, the like of which you will never have read before.
David Hadley
A bloke who writes stuff. Fiction across and between genres.David Hadley was born in 1959. He is married with three children and lives in the Black Country, UK. He worked in the building trade and the electric supply industry. He has been a rock musician, mature student, house-husband and stay-at-home dad.
Read more from David Hadley
What Dreams May Come Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAn Undulation of a Shadow's Edge Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Woman with the Golden Sex Spatula Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTwisting the Night Away Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsHave a Go Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsJuggling Balls Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Related to The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen
Related ebooks
The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Rise & Fall of the Scandamerican Domestic: Stories Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTradin' Post Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWolfromance: Reluctant Necromancer, #3 Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Black Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5Synchronicities on the Avenue of the Saints Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsGood Sister, Bad Sister: Heart of the Staff Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Bounty Series - Boxed Set Dystopian Romance: Dystopian Romance Saga Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThomas Hunter Files 1-3: Thomas Hunter Files Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsBut Always Meeting Ourselves Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCoffee Please Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPiped Croakies: ENCHANTING INQUIRIES, #12 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsIncorruptible: Thomas Hunter Files, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsAn Unfinished Date: A Cassiel Clarke Mystery, #2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsTrouble For Two (Vampire Soul, Book Two): Vampire Soul, #2 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFree Writer Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsWaltzing Hearts Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsDracula's Bride: Immortal Monsters, #1 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Bounty - The Cost (Book 1) Dystopian Romance: Dystopian Romance Series Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Squatter 3: Trinity MacNeil Paranormal Mystery, #3 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsKnow Me When the Sun Goes Down: Forged Bloodlines, #12 Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Pint of Innocence Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsA Stained Glass Lily Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Amethyst Box Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsEarthmen And Other Aliens Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsFinding Romance Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsCheat Sheets: 108 Stories of Infidelity Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Assassin and His Sister: A Comedy of Murders Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsThe Incarnator Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratingsPeeDee3, Intergalactic, Insectiod Assassin in: The Pachydwerp in the Room (Season 1, Episode 6) Rating: 0 out of 5 stars0 ratings
Humor & Satire For You
101 Fun Personality Quizzes: Who Are You . . . Really?! Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The 2,320 Funniest Quotes: The Most Hilarious Quips and One-Liners from allgreatquotes.com Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Sex Hacks: Over 100 Tricks, Shortcuts, and Secrets to Set Your Sex Life on Fire Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best Joke Book (Period): Hundreds of the Funniest, Silliest, Most Ridiculous Jokes Ever Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything Is F*cked: A Book About Hope Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Questions for Deep Thinkers: 200+ of the Most Challenging Questions You (Probably) Never Thought to Ask Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Solutions and Other Problems Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Mindful As F*ck: 100 Simple Exercises to Let That Sh*t Go! Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Tidy the F*ck Up: The American Art of Organizing Your Sh*t Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Everything I Know About Love: A Memoir Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Love and Other Words Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Best F*cking Activity Book Ever: Irreverent (and Slightly Vulgar) Activities for Adults Rating: 2 out of 5 stars2/51,001 Facts that Will Scare the S#*t Out of You: The Ultimate Bathroom Reader Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Will Judge You by Your Bookshelf Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5The Screwtape Letters Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: the heartfelt, funny memoir by a New York Times bestselling therapist Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don't Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer: A Novella Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Anxious People: A Novel Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5My Favorite Half-Night Stand Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Go the F**k to Sleep Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Nothing to See Here: A Read with Jenna Pick Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Shipped Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5The 2,548 Wittiest Things Anybody Ever Said Rating: 3 out of 5 stars3/5Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5Killing the Guys Who Killed the Guy Who Killed Lincoln: A Nutty Story About Edwin Booth and Boston Corbett Rating: 5 out of 5 stars5/5The Soulmate Equation Rating: 4 out of 5 stars4/5
Related categories
Reviews for The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen
0 ratings0 reviews
Book preview
The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen - David Hadley
The Vegetables of Darkness
‘The marrow, the marrow,’ she said in a voice that will haunt me every time I pass a greengrocery or walk the lonely, haunted vegetable aisle of a supermarket.
Back in those days, of course, an allotment was a wild and dangerous place. A place for adventurers and those not afraid of the wild and savage heart of the artichoke.
Brassica Legume had that look of someone with a deep knowledge and understanding of the secret ways of vegetables; someone who had looked deep into the heart of the vegetable rack and survived all that it could do to her. If I was not mistaken, sometimes I thought I could see the fading leek scars on her elbows.
Due to a disappointment in romance I had turned towards the dark and forbidden need to grow vegetables. I had experimented with seed boxes and potted seedlings on my window ledge as a teenager, of course. But I had never wanted to become involved in gardening, not until that day I met Brassica Legume.
I thought that we, Brassica and I, would - one day in the not too distant future - take up a small plot of land together. Then come our weeding day we would spend the rest of our lives working together in that garden. Maybe even – one day – growing some cauliflowers together.
However, it was not to be.
One day I turned up at Brassica’s door and there in her porch I asked her to close her eyes. I whipped out my prize courgette and told her – without opening her eyes – to feel it.
She put out a slow, tentative hand. But, as soon as her hand touched my courgette, she screamed and ran back into the house, slamming the door in my face.
I banged on the door and begged her to let me in, let me explain. She just screamed something mystifying about me seeing a doctor as soon as possible and to ‘keep away from me with that… that thing!’ If I ever came near again, and asked her to touch it like that, she would ‘have me arrested’.
Perplexed by her behaviour, I gave up. I tucked my courgette away and walked out of her life - I thought - forever.
Then, a few weeks later, I met Brassica out on the street. She was carrying a suitcase and – eventually – let me walk with her for a while. I tried to apologise, but I could tell she was not really listening to me.
That was the day she left; leaving me on a bleak and windy railway station platform. She rode off to some distant horticultural adventure with another man she had met through the personal adverts in the back of a seed catalogue.
Then, several years later, I received a letter from Brassica, covered with mulch stains. A pressed dried cabbage leaf I’d once given her as a romantic keepsake fell from the envelope I hastily tore open when I recognised her handwriting.
In the letter, she begged me to come to her aid. So I dropped everything, then picked it up again.
I ran for the train station.
She had – according to the letter I re-read sitting in the train – married the man from the advert in the personal column of the seed catalogue. Apparently, this Herr Doktor Sproutz was a world authority on vegetables with a professorship at the nearby University of Cudworth. They had settled down in a picturesque country cottage to grow vegetables together. All had been well at first, until he began sneaking back to their allotment at night.
At first, she’d