Nobody Understands Me: Appreciating Teenagers and Adolescence

© S. Yamuna, 2008

ISBN: 978-81-8328-420-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means — electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise — without the prior permission of the author and publisher.

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This book is dedicated with love and kisses to

my wonderful adolescent daughter, Sneha and

her loving father, Mohan, my dear friend and

companion for life!

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank The Hindu Young World Quest for asking me to write a column on ‘Understanding Adolescence’ since 2003. This has given me an opportunity to create awareness on adolescent health and development while enhancing my writing skills. Some of the published articles are incorporated in this book.

I would like to acknowledge my husband, Dr S. Mohan Raj, who is a psychiatrist, for introducing me to the Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Unit, NIMHANS, Bangalore, where Dr Shoba Srinath and Dr Sekhar Seshadri inspired me to pursue behavioural paediatrics.

My heartfelt thanks to my teachers Dr M. K. C. Nair, Dr Swati Y. Bhave and Dr Donald E. Greydanus, who have been helping me acquire skills to handle adolescents with ease.

I must express my sincere gratitude and appreciation to Dr Rajesh Mehta, for being my mentor and for guiding me along this journey towards quest of knowledge about Indian adolescents.

I should thank my friends, Ms Antigoni Koumpounis, Dr Vijayarani, Dr Vasanthi Rajendran and Dr Radhakrishnan Nair for giving me various challenges and for permitting me to evolve over a period.

My sincere thanks to the country offices of India of World Health Organization (WHO), United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) and United Nations Office of Drug and Crime (UNODC), Rajiv Gandhi National Institute of Youth Development, Ministry of Youth Affairs and Sports, Ministry of Health and Family Welfare, Ministry of Human Resources Development, Kendriya Vidyalaya Sangathan, Central Board of Secondary Education and the Indian Academy of Paediatrics for giving me the opportunity to serve them as a resource person on various occasions and for permitting me to interact with medical professionals, principals, nodal teachers, social activists and stakeholders in different parts of the country on issues of adolescent health and development.

I would like to thank the principals of various schools and colleges across the country for offering me the opportunity to interact with thousands of adolescents on issues related to growing up.

I would like to express my heartfelt thanks to the parents who have trusted me with their adolescents’ present and future. I would like to convey my love to the numerous adolescents who have communicated either in person or through e-mail from almost all parts of the country. Every mail has communicated an innocent need and desire to procure professional help for a better future.

I would like to acknowledge, with heartfelt gratitude, the publisher, Mr Shobit Arya and the editor, Ms Manju Gupta for asking me to work on issues confronting normal adolescents with a view to help parents, teachers and others associated with the teenagers. My appreciation to Kamal P. Jammual and Akhilesh, the men behind the cover design, for wrapping the contents with care.

I would like to acknowledge the love, affection, appreciation and encouragement showered by my siblings at this youngest sister of theirs. Above all, I would thank my parents for bringing me into this world and for giving me a very memorable adolescence.

My appreciation to my daughter, Sneha and my husband, Mohan for accepting my frequent absences from home in the last few years. They are my pillars of support.

Preface

It is a pleasure to communicate with you through this medium. This book has been written with an aim to understand the various stages that the teenager passes through. Many parents feel that parenting an adolescent is like walking on a tight rope. All of us have gone through adolescence; we have all had our own grievances against our parents when we were adolescents. When we have the enjoyable duty of parenting a teen, it is highly recommended that we remember our adolescence and also nurture the adolescent in each one of us while accepting with empathy that our teenager deserves to have pleasant memories of his or her adolescence when he or she grows up into a responsible adult!

Parenting an adolescent in India is definitely different these days. This is primarily because we are in a futuristic society. We do not want our adolescents to follow traditional occupations. We want them to pursue high-sounding professions with a very high entry level pay scale. The psycho-social development of an adolescent has not changed in any way but the environment in which he or she grows is different now. The reactions of adolescents to this fast changing environment are new for parents who are playing a tug of war between the varying environment and their traditionalistic baggage.

Most of our adolescents are studying during this period. Unresolved conflicts in the mind of an adolescent usually manifest as a fall in scholastic performance or a change in behaviour pattern. Parents, who are capable of identifying the changes in their sons or daughters, turn to professionals for help. It is necessary to understand that if the situation is handled in a guarded manner by parents, the change in behaviour can be prevented. Helping an adolescent sail through a smooth adolescence depends on the parenting techniques to a large extent, unless there are temperamental difficulties in the boy or girl since childhood.

This book is to be read with an open mind. This book does not aim to provide a solution to the various issues that arise during adolescence but provides only an outline of a few issues plaguing the adolescent during the decade between 10 and 19 years. Various topics are addressed with an anecdote or two in the beginning. Though the case scenarios included in this book are based on real life experiences, names, places and details have been modified to protect identity. Any resemblance to actual people, or real events, or occurrences is purely coincidental. This book is not to be read at a stretch but one chapter at a time.

Teenage is a very limited period in one’s life referring to the years between thirteen and nineteen only. Whereas adolescence is the complete phase of life between childhood and adulthood not only with reference to physical appearance but also with reference to psychological, emotional and social development. Adolescence refers to the transitional phase between the innocent dependence of childhood and the surrender of dependence on parents to become a fully mature adult. We divide it into three phases: early adolescence is between 10 and 13 years while middle adolescence is between 14 and 17 years of age. Late adolescence extends beyond teenage, sometimes into early twenties. Attainment of independent thinking and decision-making is sometimes considered as the end point of adolescence.

In this book the words ‘teenager’, ‘adolescent’, ‘youngster’ and ‘young adult’ are used in an interchangeable manner and they refer to anyone who is in the process of moving from childhood to adulthood and is shedding dependence on parents. Adolescent, teenager,youngster and young adult are used to refer to individuals of both genders. Though each of the illustrative examples have an issue quoting a particular gender, I would like to stress that most of the issues are common to both sexes except those concerned with biological development.

Contents

Acknowledgements

Preface

Chapter 1 — Adolescence, the Transition

Physical Development in Boys

Physical Development in a Girl

Lack of Physical Growth

Excessive Growth

Body Image

Overgrown Breasts or Macromastia

Small Breasts

Psychological Changes in an Adolescent

Sleep Pattern in Adolescents

Chapter 2 — Parenting an Adolescent

Parent-Adolescent Conflicts

I am no longer a baby

Hair Colouring

School Functions

Pocket Money

Extra Parental Adult Role Model

Peer Influences

Cigarette Smoking

Adoption

Grandparenting an Adolescent

Late Parenting

Step-parenting

Extramarital Affairs in Parents

Marital Disharmony in Parents

Chapter 3 — Adolescent as a Student

Favouritism

Corporal Punishment

Cell Phone Addiction

Peer Pressure

Attention Deficit Hyperkinetic Disorder

Preparation for Examination

Choice of Stream of Education

Change of School

Facing Exams

Punishment for Students

Parent-Teachers Meetings

Career Choices

Compassion and Caring

Chapter 4 — Adolescent Sex and Sexuality

Ignorance is Amiss

Relationships

Sleeping Arrangements

Dating

Sexual Abuse

Shyness

Pornography

Teenage Pregnancy

HIV in Adolescents

Chapter 5 — Health Concerns in an Adolescent

Nutrition in Adolescence

Adolescent Athlete

Obesity in Adolescence

Puberphonia – Voice Disorder

Dysmenorrhoea

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

Turner’s Syndrome

Nocturnal Enuresis

Klinefelter’s Syndrome

Depression and Suicide

Chapter 6 — Life Skills

Self-awareness

Empathy

Critical Thinking

Creative Thinking

Decision Making

Problem Solving

Interpersonal Relationship Skills

Effective Communication

Coping with Emotions

Coping with Stress

Chapter 7 — Communication Gap

Chapter One

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Adolescence, the Transition

Adolescence is the transition between childhood and adulthood. Derived from Latin, the word ‘adolescere’ means ‘growing up’. During this stage, there is physical, emotional, sexual and social growth, which enables a child to develop into an independent adult capable of self-care, self-monitoring and self-guidance with an immense sense of self-confidence and self-worth.

The World Health Organization defines an adolescent as a person between 10 and 19 years of age. In our culture, to a large extent, the upper limit for adolescence depends on acquiring financial independence.

During this period there is growth in all spheres of life. After infancy, this is the next phase where physical growth is seen in rapid progression. The adolescent is aware of the day-to-day changes in the body and gets concerned about each one of them to a large extent.

Emotionally the boy/girl learns to look at himself/herself as a separate entity with an identity of his/her own. The dependence on parents for day-to-day decisions and actions is seen to taper off, with the emergence of new capacity to critically analyse every situation and find solutions based on one’s own experiences and life skills.

The adolescent surrenders the protective umbrella provided by the parents, which he/she has enjoyed for so long for security from adverse influences and forms individual opinion about the world, future and self. This leads to concern among parents and other adults who are involved in the care and upkeep of youngsters.

The adolescent goes through major changes in his/her reproductive system during adolescence and achieves the ability to procreate. In addition to the growth of the various organs of the reproductive system, there is a gamut of changes, which occur in the thoughts, feelings and attitudes towards relationships with the same as well as opposite sexes. The sexuality of the youngster gets strengthened and he/she is capable of forming meaningful mature relationships.

During the transition, the adolescents, who were confined to a protected environment like schools to begin with, evolve into visible groups of individuals of society. Our culture accepts an adolescent as an adult only if he/she has the necessary tools to lead a life of his/her own. The moral values,which govern their behaviour to a large extent, depends on family values and codes of conduct, parenting techniques, educational background and environment, peer groups and perceptions formed by themselves.

In the past many adults qualified adolescence as a phase of ‘storm and tempest’. Many have considered parenting an adolescent as a challenge equivalent to a bumpy ride on an uneven pathway. But when we look at adolescents through the spectacle of adolescence, it is very clear that it is a joy to be with them.

No animal species has to face the pangs of adolescence. Even our closest relative, the chimpanzee, does not have to undergo this transition. But we have been endowed with this phase, probably, to evolve into a better human being based on the lessons learnt from each of the unique experiences faced during this period, with the background of parental guidance and support. Teenage years remain fresh in everyone’s memory. As parents, teachers and other adults, who are involved in the care of teenagers, it is essential that we do not forget our own adolescence. The adolescents of today are exposed to various influences, due to shrinking distances, in view of recent technological developments. But the teenagers’ needs remain more or less the same. The body is