Not Who I Want to Be

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction:

The Inner Reflection—What I See

Chapter One:

Our Reflection

Chapter Two:

A Cultural Reflection

Chapter Three:

A Stained Reflection

Chapter Four:

The Image of Rebellion

Chapter Five:

Building the Rebellion

Chapter Six:

Battle Stains

Chapter Seven:

Origins of Reflection

Chapter Eight:

An Unstained Reflection

Chapter Nine:

The Image of God within Us

Chapter Ten:

A Double Image

Chapter Eleven:

An Image with Purpose

Chapter Twelve:

Stewards of the Image

Chapter Thirteen:

Getting Ugly

Chapter Fourteen:

Dealing with Ugly

Chapter Fifteen:

The New Me

Acknowledgments

I would like to give special recognition to my beautiful wife, Karen, and my three teens for their support and encouragement.

I would like to thank my parents, Glenn and Opal Sasscer, for their encouragement and blessings, as well as my sister, Malena Mudse.

I would like to thank Kathy and Sam Barbee for the inspiration to really think it all through.

And, I would like to thank Brandy Cutchall, Dawn Wells, Donna Bailey, Jayne Klett, Micki Dickens, Rebekah Richendollar, and Robin Rex for the female viewpoint used in this book.

INTRODUCTION

The Inner Reflection— What I See

The minivan slowed momentarily, not to a touch on the brake but more because Kathy let up on the accelerator ever so slightly. Her thoughts raced. She saw the two men working behind the traffic cones. The midday sun baked down, and the pavement mercilessly radiated a torrent of heat. They looked worn and tired. They looked thirsty. She felt a tugging somewhere in her heart to help them, but she also considered the risk.

She even muttered her thoughts to her twelve-year-old son, Sam, who sat in the passenger seat. Those guys look really thirsty. Too bad we can’t swing back around and drop off a couple bottles of water for them.

Sam’s reply caught her off guard. You know what, Mom? You have to be the most generous and thoughtful person I know.

Kathy classified the next few seconds as moments when her heart was near bursting with joy. When she looked over at her son, his smile captivated her. She felt she was finally connecting with the preteen boy. Until his eyes darted to the right as if he just remembered something.

Except for Mr. Sasscer.

The sound of a record scratch scraped across her thoughts.

Mr. Sasscer is really generous and thoughtful, but you’re second to him!

Kathy shared the conversation with me when she dropped Sam off for soccer practice. She smiled and told me how glad she was for Sam to have this kind of influence in his life. I was the assistant soccer coach and a friend to their family, but her words caught me off guard as much as Sam’s words surprised her.

I didn’t see it.

No matter how I thought of my influence with my family, friends, church community, and even with the boys on the soccer team, I couldn’t see generous and thoughtful in my inner reflection. What did Sam see? What did I do to give Sam this impression?

I don’t pretend to be someone I am not. This is why Sam’s perspective conflicts with my inner reflection. What I see doesn’t match. I don’t see myself as generous or thoughtful. I don’t put on a generous-and-thoughtful suit when those traits are needed because a suit like that doesn’t hang in my personality closet. So what does Sam see that I don’t?

Yet, there is a deeper, more penetrating question than What does Sam see? I know me better than other people possibly can. I know what is on the inside. While I don’t pretend to be someone I am not, I certainly don’t open the doors so that others can see what is ugly on the inside. I know my daily struggle with pride, ego, selfishness, perversions, anger, and frustration. I confess my jealousy, envy, and greed almost every morning in prayer. Controlling the wickedness of my thoughts is an ongoing battle—one I don’t always win.

Whatever personality suit I am wearing, it usually gets dirty by the end of the day, stained and discolored from the trial of my inner schemes and temptations. This is what I see when I am honest with myself. This is my true inner reflection.

In my heart, I see myself conducting an extremely well choreographed balancing act between hiding my corruption, confessing my corruption, and almost knowing just how deep it flows. When I am honest with myself, I see the ugly.

I delayed my own ordination for five years while I came to grips with serving the Lord as an imperfect servant, as a man who certainly could not come close to meeting the qualifications set forth in Paul’s letters to Timothy and Titus. None of the suits in my personality closet would meet these qualifications. I just didn’t have it.

Apparently, others see something else.

Sure, I remind myself, they must see God working in me. It is not me they see, but God using me.

This reminder is what finally allowed me to see the need in our church and community for my ordination. It wasn’t what I could do by being ordained, but what God could do.

But to be called the most generous and thoughtful person in someone’s life? God has certainly done some amazing and miraculous things in my life, yet my heart and motivation still battle a whole list of ugly. Yes, there is an ugly suit in my personality closet, but I push it way to the back where it cannot be seen. Unfortunately, it seems to be the best fitting suit in the entire closet.

In the weeks after Kathy and Sam passed the two thirsty highway workers, God revealed an even deeper thirst in me. When Kathy told me what her son saw in me, his perspective turned up the heat on this thirst. God revealed a new reflection besides my own inner reflection. He stoked a new thirst no bottled water would or could ever quench.

This is the thirst to be real. This is the thirst to put on the personality suit that is most real—to be genuine. This is the thirst to be emptied of everything ungodly. To get rid of all the other suits that don’t really fit anyway and find the one God intends for me. This is the thirst to finally be who God calls me to be.

Because, honestly, I am not who I want to be.

Are you? Are you who you want to be? Do you know your true inner reflection? How many suits do you have hanging in your personality closet? How do you see yourself?

This book is not about keeping the status quo, internally or externally. In the pages that follow, we’re going to be thinking about cleaning out the personality closet of suits you were never meant to wear.

No quick fix or easy-bake formula exists for getting past who we want to be and knowing who we are really. The reflection is not always clear, not always in focus, not always clean, but would you rather see a fake reflection or a real one? Would you rather wear a suit tailored for the world or for the Kingdom of God?

Simply put: Do you want to be real? Do you want to be genuine? Do you want to be who God has called you to be?

I’m not claiming this book will get you there or that it has all the answers. The goal of this book is to get you started moving in that direction. Being real, genuine—being who God calls us to be—is not a destination. It is a lifestyle.

Which suit are you wearing?

Be honest. Are you who you want to be? Let’s start by looking at the reflection.

CHAPTER ONE

Our Reflection

How we see ourselves may be referred to as our self-image or our self-perception. This is not so much how we view the image we see in the mirror, but more so the image we project in our personality and character. Our reflection in the mirror is part of this, but our reflection from within goes with us when we walk away from the mirror and shows up in other aspects of our lives.

How we see ourselves influences how others see us. It becomes part of every relationship—close, personal ones or just acquaintances. How we see ourselves influences how we respond or react to what is happening each day. While our self-image is an influence on us, it is also subject to influence by the same relationships and by the same events. Just like our physical reflection in the mirror, our inner reflection can change, grow, and mature.

Within our self-image are some well-rooted traits and qualities that will rarely change, but these are a remote few. These are our core qualities—the part of our character people would most identify with us. These behavior traits may change or adjust over a period of time, but they are usually the most resistant to change and the most consistent qualities we carry. The rest of our self-image (the way we see ourselves) is open to the constant bartering of information with life.

Our interaction with others and with the world around us becomes an exchange of information where we are giving and receiving, just as everyone around us is also giving and receiving. All of us are completing the same exchange of influence and information.

This is natural. We were made in such a way that we interact with one another and with all of creation. This is how we mature. This is how we adapt or acclimate to life’s changes.

Single people have self-images of being single. This inner reflection is part of the way they see themselves and the way others see them. The way they interact and respond to what happens around them is the way a single person would normally respond.

Married people have different self-images. Their reflection is one of being married. As they go through courtship, engagement, and the wedding, the way married people see themselves adapts to the changes in their life.

Again, this is natural. Very little thought or conscious activity is required for us to make this adjustment. While some might fight it and need to consciously let go of their old view of themselves, the overall process is still a naturally occurring change in our self-image. I firmly believe this is the way God created us to interact with one another.

While God is unchanging (that is, God’s image does not change), he made humans to be the sort of creatures who can be influenced and can adapt to what we are learning. If he did not intend for man to learn, he would not have had to give us any instructions at the very beginning.

We are made in his image and likeness, and we are made to interact with a wonderful creation.

Check it out in Genesis:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them, Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground. (Gen. 1:27–28)

The part where we are made in his image surely is not a new revelation for you. The rest of the passage is one of the popular references in churches and in recent debates on creation versus evolution. I have read it many times and many times glossed over fill the earth and subdue it without considering the true meaning of subduing the earth (or, more pointedly, subduing creation).

The Hebrew word translated here as subdue is kabash (pronounced kaw-bash). The meaning is to conquer, to keep under control, or to bring into subjection.

To be clear, this instruction does not say subdue man or woman, control one another, or conquer one another. I do not believe God’s original plan included humans being at war with one another. Specifically, this instruction given to man is the responsibility to subdue, to maintain order, and to influence his creation. We were originally designed with this as part of our self-image.

God designed us so that we can interact with one another and so that we can interact with or influence his creation. We were not designed to be isolated or alone. We were not designed to be hermits, never leaving our homes. We were designed to interact with God, to interact with each other, and to interact with all of God’s creation. However, the original creation was unlike what we recognize as the world today.

This original creation existed before the rebellion of man.

The original creation did not include death, sickness, or pain. If we just eliminated those three elements from our lives, can you imagine how this would influence the way we see ourselves? How would our inner reflection adapt to not growing old? To not dying? To never being sick? To never feeling the pain of disease? These aspects of our reflection were never supposed to be there!

Unfortunately, these elements are part of our world and part of the fallen nature of man. Just as a single person naturally adapts their self-image to being married when marriage becomes an element of their lives, we have naturally adapted to death, sickness, and pain. They are an unquestioned part of our life and of our self-image—the part of our inner reflection where we deal with these elements of life.

Consider a baby with absolutely no understanding of death. The baby grows from infant to toddler to small child. Somewhere along the way, a death is introduced into the world of this child. This could be the passing of a relative, a family member, or maybe a friend of the family. It could be the death of a national leader or a celebrity funeral broadcast on television. The child may pick up on the mysterious, sad quality of death by overhearing conversations. The understanding of death may not happen all at once, yet over a period of time this element of existence will work into the child’s view of the world. At some point in life the child learns how to deal with death.

The child adapts.

All of us have adapted. This naturally occurring process exchanges information in our relationships and in the world around us as part of our maturity and growth. The way we see ourselves is constantly being molded; our inner reflection changes.

In some cases, we are maturing, and our self-image is maturing. The way we see the world is changing as we grow in knowledge and in our ability to comprehend, and this changes the way we view ourselves and the way we process the influences around us. Yet even when we have gained knowledge and comprehension, we are still being influenced.

In some cases, we are being subdued.

Instead of subduing the creation around us, many of us are being subdued by it. We are being influenced and have no control over the influence. In fact, we’re not even trying! We simply accept the influence around us, receive it unchecked and unfiltered into a dirty and stained reflection of what we call self.

We adapt, but not in a good way.

Unfortunately, I have adapted too much to the influence of the world around me, and I’m not who I want to be. My inner self-image is an ugly, distorted reflection saturated in the lies of the world, the corruption of our culture, and the selfishness of society. Every now and then, God peeks out through the stains—that is, the Spirit of God within me, within my self-image, peeks out or really shines. I see him there and I see hope. I see him there and I see a chance to change this image. I see him there and I see a chance to clean up my reflection and be someone else—someone he intended for me to be.

If you look in the mirror on the wall and your hair is a mess in the reflection, you may make the conscious decision to change your reflection by combing your hair. Or maybe you add a glob of hair gel and make it messier, depending on your style. The point is that if you don’t like what you see in the mirror, you change it. If there is a smudge of dirt on your cheek, you may make the conscious decision to wash it off. We actively, with purpose, make the decision to change our physical reflection in the mirror.

We have the same options with our inner reflection. In fact, according to Scripture, we not only have the option to change our inner reflection, we have the obligation and responsibility to do so. We can actively, with purpose, make the decision to change the way we see ourselves.

The Male Reflection

When I was growing up in the United States, several icons in our society provided influence to the American male image.

For my generation, John Wayne provided an image where real men are tough and gritty, usually loners, drinkers. When faced with a challenge, we guys clench the reins of our horse in our teeth and charge at our adversaries with a gun firing in each hand.

Clint Eastwood proved that men do not show emotions other than anger or disgust, we wear dark shades, sometimes have primates as friends, and in a final conflict we let the enemy make a choice—in case they feel lucky (Well? Do ya, punk?).

Sean Connery provided a different approach with women—confidence in purpose and style. He left me wondering if I should adopt a really cool accent (I never did).

If we go a generation before mine, Frank Sinatra taught men to do it their way; Dean Martin confirmed that smoking, drinking, and womanizing are stylish as long as you are wearing a tuxedo; and Peter Lawford showed us it is good to have friends in high places.

The generation following mine can thank Tom Cruise for showing us how to fly a jet with no regard for safety. Johnny Depp gave us a new image of the American male with clever ways to use scissors to hide inner pain. Kiefer Sutherland suggested that real men can control life and death as vampire teens or as medical students flat-lining in life. And Sean Penn cleared