Happily Ever Single

HAPPILY EVER SINGLE

BY JESSICA FRANCES

All rights reserved.

Copyright ©2015 Jessica Frances

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jessica-Frances-Author

Cover Design by MGBookcovers

Editing by C&D Editing

Chapter One

"Can you believe Auntie Selma had to set Lucy up with another date tonight?" a voice screeches loudly, immediately getting on my nerves. Instinctively, I lift my feet off the ground and rest them on the edge of the toilet seat I am currently hiding out on. When I glance through the narrow crack by the door lock, I notice figures moving around outside the cubicle. The outer door closing loudly lets me know no one else is coming in. Three figures move around, and since my uncle Barrett’s kids don’t ever go anywhere without each other, it is easy for me to know who is in here with me.

As I lean forward a little and get a better angle of what is happening outside, I have to rest my hand along the door so I don’t fall on my ass. I have the door locked, so having my feet seen wouldn’t be a surprise, but I’m interested to hear where this conversation is going, and I don’t want them to recognize my shoes.

I watch all three of my cousins stop in front of the large mirror, touching up their make-up, no doubt making ridiculous faces and poses. I swear they do this at least ten times an outing, not that it matters how their make-up looks since no one is able to take their eyes away from the bright orange tan over their bodies, which in my opinion, are all far too exposed thanks to their skimpy clothing. This is a family dinner, not a night club outing.

I know. It must be so sad that she can’t get a date on her own.

"Yeah, but Auntie Selma must be laughing on the inside over how her dates go. Not only did her last one ask for my number, but this latest guy just upped and left half an hour ago."

What do you expect, though, when she disappeared on him for over an hour? Poor guy, this one says with indignation clear in her voice.

"Do you think she can’t get a boyfriend on her own since she doesn’t put out because she is saving herself for marriage? Although, she keeps saying to anyone who will listen how she doesn’t want to get married."

"The only people who say that are people who can’t get themselves a man. She’s weird, and who would put up with her? It’s so annoying how much Mom goes on and on about her like she’s so great. She’s a spinster who looks at us like we’re lesser than her," is said with outrage.

I know. She is such a bitch.

I wince over their harsh words about me; however, I am also angry over them, too. They have no idea what they are talking about. I wish I could storm out of this cubicle, shock the hell out of them with my presence, and tell them where they can stick their bitchy judgments. I don’t, though, because they are my family, and I will have to see them for the rest of my life.

We usually have an unspoken agreement between us. I don’t like them, and they don’t like me, but we fake friendship around our family because that is just what we do. Since our families have been mostly drama free since before we were born, no one is keen to start anything up.

I guess to be fair, they are bitching about me while they have no idea I am hiding out in here. I wouldn’t hold back if I thought I was alone with my best friend Jules. Besides, their words aren’t a surprise to me.

I lean back on the closed toilet seat, wrapping my arms tighter around my waist as I wait for them to hurry the hell up and get out of the bathroom. I was bored out of my skull earlier and thought I might sneak into the bathroom to check my email. I was even considering sorting through my junk mail since it is just that sort of night. I didn’t realize I had been gone over an hour. I also didn’t realize how much more interesting sorting through my emails was compared to being back out there with my date. Although, if what they said is true, and he has left me alone, then at least I don’t have to worry about him again.

Maybe she really will end up being the crazy cat lady. Shrill laughter comes after this is said.

I glare at the lock staring me in the face, imagining death rays coming out of my eyes as I follow the sound of laughter in my imagination, zapping them all.

Would it really be so bad if I gave them a piece of my mind?

"That wouldn’t surprise me. She’s so weird."

She always has been.

"What man would date her, anyway? She is boring, she hardly wears any make-up, and she doesn’t watch her weight. She must have gained fifteen pounds since Christmas."

I glance down at myself, finding a little roll poking through my dress and circling my waist.

Right, if they are going to bring my weight into this, then we are going to have words!

I set my feet down on the floor before I freeze as they continue speaking. There is a small, morbid part of me that wants to keep listening.

I’m done. Come on, let’s just get back out there and get this over with. I hate how we’re all forced to come to these stupid things.

There are murmurs of agreement before the door finally closes, and silence descends over the bathroom again. I am now fuming and upset, not that I will ever admit the last one to anyone.

I did agree with them on something; I also hate our family gatherings, which are so outrageously extravagant and annoying. Ever since I was born, I have been forced to go to every birthday and holiday event. Up until I was seventeen, we all used to vacation together, too. Being in my late twenties now, that is thankfully no longer in the cards for me.

To be honest, all of the forced time we have spent together has probably helped create this bitterness between most of my cousins. Since my mom has three brothers and my dad has two brothers and three sisters, all of them with many children, we have huge family gatherings. For some people, that amount of family would be enough to split things up, even if it was simply because of the high cost to feed and house everyone. Not my family, though. We never leave anyone out, regardless of how they feel on the matter.

My cousins and I all hate how we are forced to spend time together, so we often take that ire out on each other. Forced play groups and activities were what my childhood was like. I can only pray there will come a day when I no longer have to do all of this.

I have been able to get out of the mundane ones now that I have a business to run and moved out of my parents’ home. I can claim I have work, while secretly I stay at home in my pajamas, eating pizza and drinking wine.

This event tonight was one I couldn’t miss, though. It is my dad’s sixtieth birthday party and has ended up becoming the beginning of a tough time in my life. I probably shouldn’t consider this news and think only of myself, but I’m still processing what this will mean. I really should have seen this coming; it was obviously going to happen eventually.

My oldest brother Doug has just announced he has proposed to his longtime girlfriend Grace, and she said yes. This means me having to say yes to a lot of things like an engagement party, a wedding, milestone anniversary dinners, and many more birthdays when they have kids. And, since Grace has been staying away from alcohol tonight, and Doug has barely left her side, I think kids are not far away.

It also means I will need a date to most if not all of those events.

These thoughts have been haunting me since the announcement was made, and it has brought up an ugly realization.

I have three older brothers, which means I have potentially two more weddings. Okay, so Jay is a man-whore who is likely to never settle down, but Harrison has been with his girlfriend for a couple of years. They are definitely getting closer to the danger zone. After Doug’s announcement, I’m sure he has started a ticking time bomb.

I am going to need a plus one to fulfill all of these commitments, and since my cousins were correct when they rudely pointed out that I don’t bring my own arranged dates, I am going to be trapped having blind date after awful blind date.

My mother has the worst taste in men. She appears to have an endless supply of friends who have single sons. I don’t know why she can’t understand there is a reason these men are single. There is always something off with them. I have not had a single date that can even be considered bearable.

I don’t want to be in a relationship, and I definitely never want to settle down to marriage and kids. Therefore, I might be a little picky when it comes to whom I spend time with.

The reason I don’t have a boyfriend isn’t because I’m repulsive or against having one. It is because I have incredibly high standards which I am not going to lower for anyone.

I am happy, and if a man is going to come into my life, he better make me even happier, or he can get lost.

So, while I might possibly be too picky about whom I consider dating, my mother appears to only care whether they have a penis and can give her grandchildren.

The last date she set me up on before tonight’s disaster was at the wedding for one of my cousins, and it was one of the worst.

You often hear stories of the first time loved ones’ eyes met across the room, and they knew they had found their soul mate. Yeah, well, the first time my eyes met Gunner’s, I was distracted by the snot just sitting along his nostril. The same snot remained there for the entire car ride. It was a strange color, too. It was distracting enough that I couldn’t stop staring at it if I wanted to.

My second impression of Gunner was sweaty. His hands were soaked when he reached out to take my hand to help me out of the car. I also noticed large sweat stains under his arms and, as he turned around, along his back. It wasn’t even warm outside

Then I found out another problem with a heavy sweater—he stunk. It wasn’t until I was trapped in an enclosed space that this fact hit me. Or perhaps a better way to put it was it ran me over.

His windows did not roll down, either. I opened his car door while he drove just to get some fresh air in, and that did not go over well with him.

To make matters worse, his breathing was loud, like a wheeze, and by the end of the night, I wanted to punch him in the throat. His hands were grabby, his conversation dull, and his eyes apparently had magnets only attracted to my breasts. I wasn’t even wearing anything revealing. My girls were all covered up, but obviously I should have dressed like a nun if I didn’t want him checking me out all night.

Overall, it was a horrible experience.

Of course, my mother treated Gunner like he was instant family. By the end of the night, she had invited him over for lunch the following weekend, set up a date for us to go to the movies, and there was mention of Christmas lunch. This discussion happened in January.

Not only was I having the worst date in my life, I also had another two lined up, plus one penciled in for a time that was still almost an entire year away!

I was so furious with my mother; however, she is not someone you exactly speak back to.

Raising four children, she learned to be strict and scary. One look is enough to send a grown man running. I know this because I have seen my brothers doing it plenty of times, even recently. I have always been secretly terrified of her. She gives world class lectures and can pretty much guilt you into doing anything for her. It doesn’t help that I am a massive disappointment to her, so she is often lecturing me about something.

Oh, God, I need to find myself a boyfriend to go to all of these upcoming events with, or I am going to have to suffer through even more blind dates!

I can’t handle another one. I’m about ready to announce I am a lesbian just so she will stop! Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew a handful of her friends’ daughters who are still single and swing that way. Either way, I am doomed!

Why is it so wrong for me to be single? Why can’t she just be glad I’m not a serial killer and shower daily?

I’m happy being single and enjoy my own company. I live in a drama free bubble that I love. I never feel lonely, and I don’t want my life to change.

How on earth am I going to manage to get a date for these events without there being drama and trouble? It’s hard enough to find a guy willing to go on an actual date and not just a casual hook up, let alone bringing him to meet the family. Given my almost impossible standards for men, I might have a problem with this.

My phone buzzes in my hand, making me jump a little in surprise. Time has slipped away from me again, and I forgot about the emails I was going through.

Jules’ name pops up, and I immediately answer it, desperate for a distraction from my future problems.

Hey, what’s—?

I just caught Travis fucking his secretary! she screeches in my ear.

What? I gasp, but after a moment, I wonder if this really is a surprise. He’s done it before.

"He promised me things were over, but I knew he was lying. The asshole barely lasted two months before he started it back up again." Her voice shakes with what I hope is anger and not tears. Angry Jules I can take; upset Jules breaks my heart.

I’m sorry. I sigh and hope I sound at least a little sympathetic. It is hard to hold in the words I told you so when I did tell her this was going to happen. He barely showed any remorse for cheating the first time, and she took him back way too easily. Regardless, since I am a good friend, I have vowed to never say those words. They won’t help, and what is done is done. I won’t promise to not pull them out if she goes back to him again, though.

Since the tenth grade, Jules has been unable to be single and constantly makes bad choices when it comes to men. She is smart in every area of her life except relationships. She has a blind spot around douchebags. She has enough man-drama in her lifetime to last us both. I’m exhausted with men just from hearing her stories.

I’m so fucking angry! I wasted so much time on him, you know?

I know.

Although her relationships usually have a six month expiration date attached to them, Travis was able to double that. A year is an eternity to me, given that I have never dated anyone that long. For Jules, though, it is a sign that marriage and babies are coming. She would never waste someone’s time, so she can’t imagine why someone would ever waste hers.

Even though she is desperate to get married and have as many babies as her vagina will pop out, she unfortunately only appears to be attracted to assholes.

I threw everything I have of his outside my apartment door. I wanted to put it on the street, but I’m so mad and don’t want to have to carry it all down there.

Is he going to come by to pick it up? I ponder how much groveling it will take for Jules to consider taking him back. This guy has a master’s degree in charming and bullshitting.

I doubt it. I threatened to cut his dick off if he came near me again. I’ll probably have to go and pick it all up later. It felt good to throw it out of here, though.

"You can do so much better than him. In fact, you don’t need a man on your arm at all. Be single, embrace who you are, and realize men are way too much hassle," I preach, knowing that will never happen.

Hey! Leave your man hating ways to yourself. I actually enjoy getting regular sex.

I ignore her jab about man hating. From anyone else, I would get angry since I don’t hate men; I just don’t choose to bother with them most of the time. However, I know Jules didn’t say it to upset me, so instead, I focus on her comment about regular sex, because that is a laugh.

You mean you enjoyed the regular sex you had with Travis even though he only lasted on average three minutes? Typically, I don’t hear about the awful sex talk until after they break up, but I got that tidbit early when she let it slip while we were drinking one night.

He might not have been the greatest in bed, but I usually got off … sometimes … if I finished it myself… She continues to drift off.

I can’t resist the huge eye roll I give the toilet door. An entire year wasted on bad sex with Travis. Now that is scary. She never complains about these things to me, but having a fulfilling sex life is part of every sexual relationship. It is important. I don’t understand how she can ignore that while she dates these jerks.

That sounds delightful. I can’t believe I am actually missing out on that, I deadpan, knowing if she was next to me, I would have received a slap in the arm for the comment.

Shut up. Why is your voice echoing? Where are you? I didn’t think you’d be back from your dad’s so early. I was going to leave you a voice message rant. Already, her voice is stronger, and I know she has calmed down, not that this will last for long. Jules goes through serious mood swings during a break up. One minute, she is fine and smiling, the next her bedroom is trashed, and then suddenly she is violently howling on the floor. It can be hard to keep up sometimes.

I’m hiding in the bathroom, I admit, already knowing she will understand.

"It’s that much fun, huh? Don’t tell me you were set up again?"

I have no idea why she sounds shocked. I don’t even know why I am often surprised by the blind dates I am thrown on. Sometimes I get a warning that one is coming, usually because the date is going to take me to a function. However, occasionally I think I might have gotten out of needing a date, and then I’ll turn up to the event and have a date shoved at me. Tonight was one from the latter group. I know I’m an idiot for thinking I might be getting through to my mother; I am never safe from her. Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me a million times, shame on me.

Aren’t I always? And it gets worse. Doug announced to everyone that he is getting married. I need to find myself a date for their engagement party and everything that comes after.

Shit, those are going to be some long nights stuck with your mother’s choice of dates. I don’t understand why you don’t just have a male friend go to these things with you. You nitpick over men so badly, but if you just went with a friend, you wouldn’t have to be so negative, and it would make the night go quicker.

"I don’t have any male friends, and the one guy from college I did take as a friend was so freaked out by my mother speaking about marriage and babies he thought I was secretly in love with him and stopped talking to me!"

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Still, with a proper heads up, it might not be a problem again.

You know, it is so unfair. Why is it so forbidden to be single? Why am I not complete unless I am stupidly in love with someone, even if that someone makes me miserable? Was there a memo that I missed? One the entire population received that I somehow lost? Why is it that my worth is judged on whether or not I’m married? Why do I have to be in love to be whole? I’m perfectly happy and content by myself. However, everyone automatically assumes I only say that because I haven’t found love. What’s so fucking special about love? Sure, it can be great, until it’s not, until your heart is ripped out, and you lose yourself completely. Until your best friend has to break into your apartment and pry the container of melted ice cream out of your hands and throw you in the bathtub because you got more all over your body than in your mouth!

Hey, that only happened once … four times, Jules weakly complains.

I don’t know why I have to defend the fact that I am single. I hate that I am considered weird or a freak because I am not desperately trying to find love. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want kids, and I don’t want to be trapped in a loveless relationship just because it is considered normal to be paired up. I take deep breaths, my head swimming from lack of oxygen from my serious ranting.

Whoa, how long have you been holding that in? Jules asks.

My entire life, but overhearing my cousins basically laughing at me earlier and saying I’m going to be a crazy cat lady didn’t help.

I’m sorry about that. Your cousins are such bitches. I don’t need to explain it was my orange cousins; they are the only ones I ever seriously bitch about to Jules.

I know, and I shouldn’t let their words get to me. I really couldn’t care less what they think. I just hate how society has given us all this expectation of what our lives should look like, and now, if we don’t meet it, we’re hounded over it. I don’t know the last time I had a conversation with a family member that didn’t have the mention of me being single. I’m sick of it. I resist kicking the door in front of me in anger, but only barely. Also, I don’t think my feet will reach it without me toppling over.

So, what are you going to do, then? I could come with you if you’d like, and we could pretend to be lesbians. There is a laugh in Jules’ voice, though I know she really would do that for me.

I get the feeling that, once you’re in my family, you won’t ever get out. We’d probably end up married off before we even realized what was happening. Besides, my mother already loves you and would never let you go. It would devastate her when we broke up.

You’re already breaking us up?

Well, yeah, unless you’re willing to commit to being my date to every family engagement for the rest of our lives. I know you want to get married and have kids one day, and I fear our fake, lesbian relationship might get in the way of that.

Jules laughs, conceding to my point. Okay, what else could you do, then?

I don’t know, but I have come up with something soon. Doug might not have officially said it to anyone, but Grace hasn’t had a drop of alcohol, and she has gained some weight since I last saw her. I’d say this is going to end up being a fast engagement and a shotgun wedding.

You know, I overheard a couple of women gossiping on the bus ride home the other day. They were talking about an escort service that provides women with dates.

An escort service! I almost shout, cringing when I consider someone outside might have heard my outburst.

It’s not for sex; it is just for causal dates. I’m not sure on the exact details, but maybe you could look into it.

I am not going to pay for a date! I hiss, completely outraged by the suggestion and frustrated at myself for thinking it is a more appealing choice than another horrible blind date.

Why not? You can pick the guy you want, and if you don’t like them, then just choose someone else next time. You can just tell your family you broke up, and that is that. Besides, if it’s a business arrangement, you don’t have to worry about your mom freaking them out with talk of marriage and kids.

I don’t know…

You could even stage the break ups at a gathering. Your family would feel bad enough for you that they might leave you alone for a while.

I want to snort at this idea, and I should, but why does it sound so perfect? Maybe it is too perfect. Each date would probably cost an arm and a leg. And how can this not be about sex? An escort service seriously implies sex to me.

I suppose I could look into it when I get home, I reluctantly agree; however, I am fairly certain it is not going to happen.

I’ll email you if I find out anything after we hang up. I suddenly have a completely free night.

Weren’t you supposed to be doing an event tonight? Jules owns her own catering company, and while she has enough staff that she can manage to have weekends off, she usually chooses to work.

I took it off after I saw … well, you know. Her voice flattens, letting me know she is only seconds away from getting