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    Satan's Advice for the New Parent: Satan's Guides to Life, #2
    Satan's Advice for the New Parent: Satan's Guides to Life, #2
    Satan's Advice for the New Parent: Satan's Guides to Life, #2
    Ebook76 pages45 minutes

    Satan's Advice for the New Parent: Satan's Guides to Life, #2

    By Aleister Lovecraft

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    About this ebook

    Becoming a new parent is overwhelming.


    Your life is changed forever. Every choice you make for your new baby will have lasting, possibly life-long consequences. Parenting advice is tossed your way from all sides, but who should you trust?
     

    The most trustworthy source might surprise you: Satan.


    Based on Satan's observations and interactions with humanity over the course of millennia, Satan's Advice for the New Parent is a concise parenting manual, ideal for the sleep-deprived new parent.

    Topics covered include:
    --the one thing you need to know to be a successful parent,
    --infant sleeping habits,
    --feeding,
    --how to deal with illness,
    --discipline,
    --how to tell if your child is evil,
    --and more.

    Satan's Advice for the New Parent is Book 2 in the Satan's Guides to Life series and is a perfect gift for new parents and parents-to-be.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAleister Lovecraft
    Release dateJun 14, 2015
    ISBN9781513036151
    Satan's Advice for the New Parent: Satan's Guides to Life, #2

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      Book preview

      Satan's Advice for the New Parent - Aleister Lovecraft

      Satan’s

      Advice for the

      New Parent

      Edited by,

      Aleister Lovecraft

      © 2015, 2019 Aleister Lovecraft, Esq. and SatansAdvice.com

      Interior illustrations modified by the editor from public domain images obtained from the Flickr stream of the British Library.

      Also available as a paperback.

      Disclaimer: Satan is not a medical doctor. This book contains only opinions of the Prince of Darkness and should not be construed as medical advice. Please see your healthcare provider for answers to your health-related questions.

      Do not reproduce any portion of this book without permission, other than for brief excerpts used for review purposes.

      If you enjoyed this book, please leave a review where you bought it. Satan will be most pleased.

      Stop by the blog at satansadvice.com.

      To Life.

      Table of Contents

      Introductions

      Editor’s Introduction

      Satan’s Introduction

      The One Thing

      Part I: Pregnancy, Birth & Infancy

      Pregnancy

      Birth

      How to Deal with Your Newborn

      Sleeping

      Feeding

      Diapers

      Illness

      Discipline of Infants

      Adults without Children

      Taking Time Off Work

      Divorce Warning

      Part II: Toddlers

      Toddlers

      Discipline of Toddlers

      The Playdate

      Toilet Training

      What Other Parents Think

      Cell Phones

      Is My Child Evil?

      Part III: Concluding Thoughts

      Introductions

      Editor’s Introduction

      THOSE OF YOU WHO READ Satan’s Advice to Young Lawyers know that I owe my success as an attorney to the advice I received from Satan. You also know that he has become my mentor and close confidant. I trust him implicitly.

      So, when I learned that my wife was pregnant with our first child, I naturally asked Satan if he had any parenting advice. I only expected a few anecdotes and aphorisms. Instead, he told me: This is a very important stage of your life. I will think on this question and provide you with a response when I am able.

      As the weeks passed and my wife’s belly grew larger, I wondered if he had forgotten or had found more important things to do. I should not have worried.

      About two weeks before our child was born, Satan arrived at my law office, posing as a client, which was his typical disguise. He brought with him a small manuscript bound neatly in a red clasp folder.

      Here, he said, thrusting the folder towards me.

      I reached out and took it. On the cover, written in thick black cursive, were the words: Advice for the New Parent.

      I put the folder down on my desk. Thank you, I said.

      He sat down in a leather chair, the cushions compressing under his weight. When you asked me for parenting advice, I was not sure how I was going to respond. It was, believe it or not, a novel inquiry.

      I will read it tonight.

      Good, he said. Be sure to share it with your wife. Parenting is much easier when it is a team effort.

      I nodded.

      Have you thought of a name for your boy?

      I was momentarily surprised he knew it was going to be a boy, but then remembered who was sitting in the chair across from me. No. I’d name him after you, but that might raise a few too many eyebrows.

      He laughed. I appreciate the sentiment, Aleister, but I believe you are correct.

      Maybe Henry or Joseph. We like traditional names.

      He

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