Letters for my Sons

LETTERS FOR MY SONS

SIPHO MZOLO

Copyright © 2015 by Sipho Mzolo

SmashwordsEdition

All rights reserved.

All characters and events in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental

‘The Resolution’ by Stephen and Alex Kendrick is used by permission. Broadman Publishers. 2011

Cover design by SelfPubBookCovers/AFRIna

Contents

Prologue

Palesa

Tendai

Taboney

Dedication

Somewhere between dawn and twilight, there is magic inside us, magic to love, to laugh, to pains but eventually to happy endings. To the young man between 12 and 33, grace and peace.

Sipho Mzolo

Tembisa, South Africa 2015

PROLOGUE

These are stories of longing and thwarted desires and compassion as captivating as can get. I have used the metaphor of pain and pain’s outlet didactically to force a deeper probing of the social ills hope to inspire some to change course while rekindle new hope in the others. Rites of Passage is a boys’ tentative start characterized by experimentation off-set by the tragedy of absent fathers. The desire for relationships is as strong for teen males as it is for females, they long to stay attached to their parents and significant adult role models for as long as it is necessary, and these connections have the power to help them discover their identity and develop into men. Palesa’s story is hauntingly beautiful evocation of a woman’s fight for the right of others to exist. Echoes of my years is a reflection of a life well lived whose glory is yet to consummate.

TENDAI

THEIR LIVES ARE SMOTHERED BY A THOUSAND TRIVIALITIES, AND THE POETRY OF THEIR SPIRITS IS SILENCED BY THE THOUGHTS AND CARES OF THIS WORLD. THE SONG THAT USED TO LIVE IN THEIR HEARTS, THE SONG THEY HAVE WAITED TO SHARE HAS NOW FADED

KENT NERBUM

Chapter 1

If only we had a list of simple rules, handy shortcuts and a ten-step programme to follow to raise a son so that he might ride life’s wave crest, it would be a breeze. Trouble is, there isn’t one and our parents don’t have it either. In our modern time youth have developed their own standards for deciding what is, how one feels about it, what to do about those feelings, and for deciding how to go about doing it. Others call this ideational. This ideational culture is comprised of a system not of shared ideas, rules and meanings but a spectrum that expresses ways they live a culture that is fluid and because they deal with ambiguity and uncertainty in learning spaces at a fast pace.

The profile of today boy child is archetypal counter-culture, ultra contemporary tribe not fitting the traditional patterns in our minds. Influenced by both the global cosmopolitan culture and traditional belief systems, they are complex, three-dimensional, apathetic vain consumerists obsessed with pop culture while on the other hand; they are the avant-gardes of the new type.

This means it is impossible to view this group with the same lens our forebears used on our generation. Twenty-one years after the birth of the Rainbow Nation, young boys can no longer simply be categorised as Black, White, and Coloured, Indian or, South African and foreigners. They are a monolithic tribe that approaches life, love and everything in between using uniquely different lenses. One need only spend a week on face book; Twitter and YouTube one will know the truth about this chilling reality.

The tribes fall roughly into three broad categories namely: Techno-Hippie tribe, otherwise known as Hippie 2.0s they are tech-savvy geeks with hipster tastes and hippie ideas about saving the planet. Although they are passionate about changing the world on an abstract level, they prefer passive activism to actually getting their hands dirty, and as such, have gained the nickname Slacktivists: Someone who is happy to generate awareness for a cause on social media platforms, but who isn’t prepared to leave their comfortable life to be the change they want to see in their world.

Digital Natives are tribes born after the introduction of the digital technologies and through interacting with digital technology from an early age, have a greater comfort level using it. Alternatively, this term can describe people born during or after the 2000s, as the Digital Age began at that time; but in most cases, the term focuses on people who grew up with the technology that became prevalent in the latter part of the 21st century and continues to evolve.

It is not uncommon for Techno-Hippies to spend the morning at their local iStore buying the latest iPhone upgrade and spends the afternoon at a hippy craft market picking an up-cycled handmade case made of bamboo. Techno-Hippies are also organic vegetarians, vegans or ‘raw foodists’ who draw social status from publicly promoting their extreme eating habits ritzy shops, which has a ‘post-manufacture story’ is also popular with this group.

Then there is the Totido tribe: Turn-On, Tune-In, Dropout. They turn on their computers, tune in to the Internet news, blogs, sites and opinions, and drop out of school in pursuit of Internet entrepreneurship and the dream of living the self-sufficient lifestyle. They have gained the nickname New Rich: youth considered wealthy not because of their possessions but because they have freedom of time and location.

They are self-sufficient, self-employed modern nomads who live and work whenever and wherever they want, without being bound by the clock or serving a full-time boss. In stark contrast to the ‘true believers’, this tribe cares very much about what they wear; both in terms of the appearance of the clothes and also the story behind the brand names. Variations of names due to local subculture are many; Cocoanuts and Amabojwa or Cheese boys will be common references in Gauteng townships and perhaps a different appellation applies elsewhere.

Izikhothane is the third tribe. An idea that evolved among school-going kids [despite efforts to ascertain its origin I remain unsure] that began to gain traction in the townships I learnt that it gained notoriety in Voslorus, a township in Ekurhuleni in Gauteng. As it were, township youths would buy expensive branded ware only to thrash the same in a public spectacle. In the main, once they get it going school-going teens mostly from humble homes were the first disciples who showed the strongest penchant for this fetish and later kept by their out of school cousins.

Imagine this drama, a group of twenty-five boys from Soweto are gathered in a circle at a function, all dressed in designer jeans, T-shirts and shoes like a bunch of multiple twins at a birthday party. They brag about their expensive clothes with labels such Armani, Rossi Moda, Soviet, Dolce & Gabana and Maracchini, taking jibes at each other.

On another day in a park in Voslorus, a teenage girl takes off her Prada T-shirt, throws it in the middle of the circle and burns it. Yet, another pours a bottle of Jonnie Walker Blue label Whisky over the fire. Not to be outdone, a third throws down his Samsung Galaxy S and jumps on it. The drama was good and entertaining and the crowds grew, the kids started brandishing R100 and R200 bank notes and then shredding them in full view of others (the catch is that there must be spectators to witness it otherwise the craze looses its sting).

The group laughs, shouts with laud cheers and a gloating dance. The onlookers are at a loss with disbelief at the spectacle. Asked what it is that they are doing, they answer simply ‘we are celebrating life.’ Jonnie a primary school kid in Mapetla Soweto hanged himself after his father told him he can’t give him money to buy Carvela shoes for R1200. If parents won’t give them what they want, parents have had it. Yes, that’s right these boys will end themselves because they pursue celebrating life or nothing.

Seventeen year olds routinely take risks, but then ours is a culture of risk-takers. How else would you describe people who crossed a vast ocean in small vessels to settle in a new land they’d never seen? Or those who packed up all of their worldly possessions in wagons and horsebacks headed south through the wilderness, willing to face unknown perils? However, the overwhelming majority of these teens don’t engage in patterns of risky behavior, nor do they experience a turbulent adolescence.

While younger teens give little conscious thought to their future, but the same cannot be said when juxtaposed with the high school learners. The high scholars are obsessively planning for life after high school. More than ninety percent of seniors expect to attend varsity, and more than seventy percent anticipate working at a professional level. And their preoccupation with school, homework, and grades isn’t driven by the desire to be the best as an end in itself; rather, it represents their belief that they must do well if they expect to become successful and have comfortable lives in the future.

In his popular work, Rainer highlights the fears of today’s young men: ‘Their greatest fear is that something bad will happen to their families; or they will not make it financially as adults.’ These are just symptoms, the underlining fear is that a violent crime will rob them of a future. Stabbing and shootings at schools, drive-by shootings and the police firing rubber and live ammunition at them in service delivery protests introduce the possibility that their lives may be prematurely truncated. If they don’t have enough money to go to the right varsity, they might not get the job they want; if they don’t land a good paying job, they probably won’t have a happy future. Worries expressed in this fashion are a more sophisticated version of their childhood fears. ‘I’m afraid that something out there is going to get me. I don’t know what it is—or exactly what it might do to me—but I want someone to get rid of it before it hurts me. Perhaps their silent cry is ‘don’t leave me to face this future alone.’

If you ask adolescents about the future, they will respond with mixed responses. A fifteen-year-old boy from the suburbs might tell you: ‘I can’t decide if I want to be famous, or if I want to go live in the mountains. I don’t know how to get there, what it’s really going to be like.’ A seventeen-year old girl from the township might respond somewhat differently: ‘I am supposed to be stressed-out, pessimistic, lonely, and frustrated. At least that’s what the media says about us girls. Actually, I’m a happy person, and I think most of my friends are, too. I sure hope my generation doesn’t buy into everything media portraits about us.’ A sixteen-year-old girl from the city might express herself like this: ‘I can’t remember not being worried about something. Sometimes I’m happy, but most of the time I’m worried.’ Regardless of their degree of optimism or pessimism though, thoughts of the future do drive choices they make in the present. Even the youths who express the desire to serve the community say they’re uncomfortable because they don’t know how. Uncertainty makes the future scary.

Among the existential questions boys must grapple with — will my life have meaning, will I make a difference and what will I become — necessitate risk taking. Adolescents must experiment with life, tackle new challenges, and test limits to learn how to think and how to act, in other words to discover who they are. But their ability to think long-term and consider the consequences of their actions is hampered by their lack of experience and undeveloped reasoning skills and unless they’re allowed to make significant personal decisions, they won’t find acceptable answers on their search for self. Who they become in the future is dependent on who they are allowed to become in the present.

This isn’t an endorsement for mom and dads to close eyes if their children indiscriminately choose their own standards of behavior or recklessly pursues their own personal value systems, devoid of adult influence. When adolescents engage in risky behaviors, they expect parents to intervene. Sometimes their behavior could be a way of finding out what adults think, feel, and expect.

It’s a way for adolescents to try fathom how they are supposed to act, think, and create and maintain relationships once they become adults. When adults do not intervene or unable to do so because of their absence in the young lives, patterns of risky behavior develop and adolescent’s search for identity can become frightening, the future appears nebulous and any hopes they may hold about their lives begin disintegrating.

With late teen boys, a more common reaction is rebellion. Testing limits and defying authority is characteristic of most boys in varying degrees, but it isn’t as much ‘in your face’ rejection of authority as it is an attempt to discover personal niches in an unfolding world: ‘Where are the boundaries that define my space?’ is normally a silent unasked yet lingering question.

The future influences all young men whether or not they recognize its hold on their lives. It is the silent motivator for most of their actions. Their thoughts and worries about violence, poverty, grades and fitting in are essentially thoughts and worries about the future. Their actions, even their risk-taking, are propelled by their fears. Fear is a primary emotion related to avoidance behavior; it’s a response to something a person perceives as threatening.

Fear of the future is not as easily eradicated. The future is threatening because it’s unknown. Young men’s mystical, irrational behaviors are often subconscious attempts to shield themselves from the uncertainty of what lies behind that closed door to tomorrow. Fear of the future is a complicated condition with a myriad of symptoms that mask its presence, and it strikes teens in varying degrees. Rarely will they identify the grip it has on their lives.

For those who perceive themselves as ready to cope with whatever the future holds, it may only be a blip on the radar screen; but for others, the fear of the future can become the behind-the-scenes director of their every action moment by moment. Whether embraced or feared, it’s the future that most significantly impacts teens’ present. On the one extreme, if adults react fearfully to risk-taking and experimentation, the impact on the adolescent’s identity formation can also be limiting.

This twisted rationale has guided adults’ thoughts for decades, giving them reason to dismiss kids’ silent cries for help as standard, teenage output. This mantra is easy to believe because it confirms what we suspect is true about the teen years based on our own experiences; and while it does contain some elements of truth its not the whole truth though.

Boys’ rebellion often takes more extreme forms, because frequently they are left to discover their identities without interference from adult males. All too often, father’s retreat from their adolescent sons out of a mistaken belief that they need to face challenges and struggles on their own if they are to become strong men. As recent research has reminded us, however, the role of the father is key in helping sons negotiate life’s detours.

Recently, my colleagues and I surveyed thousands of youths to find out what topics they were most interested in studying post matric schooling. The number-one response from senior high school learners was how to know themselves; for juniors it was their second-biggest concern. I believe it’s their desire to know the future that most forcefully drives their interest in knowing about their abilities to face that future.

They have heard that believing in God will bring them great life, so they want to know exactly what they should do to ‘have this great experience in life.’ Their fascination with God’s at this stage is a Christianized-version of their peers’ interest in psychic hotlines of horoscope pages: They’re more interested in knowing how the God idea will impact them as opposed to simply knowing him because He is God.

Is this future-fear a contemporary phenomenon for adolescents, or is it best understood as a developmental constant? Writers in earlier periods have described the 1950s as a less fearful time for teens than life is today in 2015. They experienced family stability, with plenty of time for recreation and relaxation. Their lives were characterized by ‘optimism, economic security, and clearly defined career and gender roles.’

There was little confusion about future roles for males, and even less for females. But today’s myriad of choices open to young boys only contributes to their future-fear and adds pressures that didn’t formerly exist. Society’s tendency to rush children to adulthood has also been attributed to increased pressure and stress on adolescents in the last decade.

Whether the fear is new or old the important thing to recognize in this instance is the powerful grip that fear has on a young mind. If we were to ask ourselves these questions, do we encourage boy kids to make significant personal decisions on their search for self—or do we force-feed them our experiences? Do we provide reasonable boundaries, allowing them opportunities to take risks? Do we systematically steer boys away from their emotional lives towards silence, solitude and distrust? Bottom line is what kind of society are we shaping in the boys that would become adults of in 2025?

Boys need to re-own aspects of their emotional lives, needing empowerment to accept themselves as they are outside the stereo typical narcissistic notions of what a man is supposed to be like, to find alternatives to violent and oppressive influences of their development so that they can embrace more flexible, healthy stances in their lives and in society. A destiny of aggression isn’t born; it is made, most notably in societies like ours in which obnoxious aggressive impulses are allowed free reign. But today our sons face an increasingly hostile world that doesn’t value the high-spirited, magical nature of young spirit.

II

Chenai Chavanduka and Tendai Moyo are born to Zimbabwean parents who have been in Tembisa, Gauteng for little over ten years. Their parents left Zimbabwe for South Africa reckoning this place is marginally better than starvation and inhumane conditions they face back home. South Africa remains a beacon of hope of a better life and a place of new beginnings for many Africans in Diaspora notwithstanding the prospects of squatter life in the host country.

Tendai’s parents are from Shurugwi, Midlands Province, Zimbabwe both are qualified teachers they have nevertheless accepted jobs as factory Packer at Rainbow Chicken Farms and a Cashier at Spar Supermarket respectively. Chenai on other the hand, comes from a well-to-do family, the father a long serving cabinet Minister in the ZanuPF government,