House Swap

Chapter One

The Wrong Barton

1

At the junction, take the slip road off the motorway, said the strangely emotionless electronic voice of the sat nav.

Wait, what? asked Ed, taking his eyes off the road to peer at the little screen What did it say?

Nick chuckled from the back seat. Never trust those things.

What’s the matter? said Victoria. It’s telling you to get off.

No, said Ed. It’s wrong. It has to be.

On the back seat beside her boyfriend, Elsie cracked her eyes open and gave a wry, Are we there yet?

Check the sat nav, said Ed urgently. You must have typed in the wrong post code.

I typed in the one you gave me, replied Victoria testily from the passenger seat. She took the printed sheet off the dashboard and held it up. Here. See?

Take the slip road, came the voice again.

Damn it. It can’t be right, snapped Ed. You said this place was on the south coast. We’re still in the Midlands.

Well I don’t know. Keep driving if you’re sure.

Check that you input the postcode correctly.

Victoria pointed out the windscreen. We don’t have time. Just pull off and find somewhere to park. We’ll sort it out then.

Ed huffed and swung the wheel sharply, taking the off ramp at the last possible second. The Audi hummed up the slip road gracefully

I’m telling you, this can’t be the right exit, said Ed. We haven’t even passed Oxford yet. There’s miles to go!

I’m sure I don’t know darling, replied Victoria. Let’s just pull in somewhere and double check.

Did I mention this was going to be a disaster? asked Nick from the back.

Yes. About fifty times.

Just asking. He laughed.

There, said Victoria, pointing to a short driveway off the left hand road that led to some kind of electricity station with locked gates.

Right, good, said Ed. That’ll do. He pulled onto the wide driveway, swinging the car round to point back at the road then turned off the engine and reached for the sat nav. Here, give me that.

The countryside thereabouts was open and pleasant but non-descript. In the back seat, Elsie strained to get a clear angle on the road sign pointing down the way they’d come but she couldn’t quite make it out.

Hang on, said Ed, fiddling with the sat nav’s touch screen. This is the postcode it’s directing us to and... he looked at the proffered printout from his wife. Shit. It’s the same.

Eh?

It can’t be the right Barton.

What do you mean? asked Victoria.

Look, said Ed. I should have checked this properly before we set off. He brought up a screen that showed the route plotted by the device, from their starting point in Sheffield to approximately where they were now; somewhere in the East Midlands. He zoomed out sufficiently to show the south coast, a hundred miles or so further down, and pointed. That’s where you said we were staying.

Well why aren’t we going there? asked Victoria, clearly disappointed.

Because this postcode is sending us off east from here.

It says Barton on that sign, said Elsie from the back, up on her knees now and leaning over to peer through the back window. And... Nockton?

Never heard of the place, said Nick.

You know what we’ve done... said Ed.

What? asked Victoria.

When we were filling in the fields on the House Swap site, we put Barton down, thinking there was only one, and now it’s sending us to the wrong place.

Not to Barton-on-Sea?

Nick laughed in the back. I told you this was a bad idea.

But it’s supposed to be Barton-on-Sea, said Victoria, her voice becoming somewhat plaintive. That’s where my grandparents lived.

Are you sure it’s not a mistake? asked Elsie, leaning in between the seats.

Yes, replied Ed. Look. See? The booking sheet clearly says Barton, Northamptonshire. We just didn’t notice.

Well... Victoria shook her head in consternation. That doesn’t matter. We can still go to Barton-on-Sea. Just get back on the motorway.

We can’t.

Why not?

Because we don’t have anywhere to stay down there. We’ve paid to do the swap up here in this Barton.

But I don’t want to go there. I want to go to the Barton I remember from my childhood.

Ed sighed.

Maybe we should go and at least look at where we actually booked, suggested Elsie.

It might be fun having a total mystery, agreed Nick.

What’s stopping us just getting back on the motorway? asked Victoria.

Well... It’s seven o’clock on a Saturday night for a start, said Ed. After all the rigmarole trying to get us all packed and in the car we’re way behind schedule. It’s going to be tough to find somewhere to stay for a week and we’ll be throwing our money away for the places we’ve booked.

Well it’s better to throw money away to have the holiday we want than going to some random place that could be awful.

I don’t know. Shall we vote?

Victoria sighed heavily. I suppose so.

All those in favour of driving on to Barton-on-Sea and trying to find accommodation…

Victoria raised her hand. Ed didn’t. On the back seat, Elsie started to raise hers then dropped it. Then she looked at Victoria’s scowling face and lifted it.

And in favour of checking out this mystery holiday in Barton, Northamptonshire?

Ed raised his hand and so did Nick. Then Elsie raised hers too.

You were with me, complained Victoria.

I know, but it just sounds kind of exciting, checking out this other place.

Alright, that’s decided then, said Ed. "We’ll going to this other Barton tonight and see what it’s like. If it’s terrible, we can always drive down south or something tomorrow.

Victoria folded her arms crossly. Alright. But it everything goes wrong then I’m blaming you. Seriously. My wrath will be monumental.

2

The road took a pleasant route through the countryside. It was single-carriageway but there wasn’t too much traffic and it was an easy run.

They passed over a river then worked their way down a long valley with rising hills on both sides. There were houses dotted along the road and a few more on either hillside.

I guess this is it up ahead, said Ed.

It’s a pretty valley at least, replied Victoria. It was. The twin ridgelines climbed slowly, speckled with forest. It gave the impression that the town ahead was a place lost in time.

No, hang on, said Ed.

A sign came up on the left that said WELCOME TO NOCKTON then flashed past.

I thought we were going to Barton, said Nick in the back.

We are. I guess it’s close. The sat nav reckons we’ll be there in ten minutes.

You know I’ve got a bad feeling about where we’re going to be staying, said Victoria. A really bad feeling.

Why? asked Ed. Can’t you be optimistic?

It’s just that I didn’t bother looking too far into it when I made the booking because I was sure it was Barton-on-Sea. I was so excited to find two house swap properties in a town I actually wanted to visit that I jumped to the acceptance page without looking too far into it. I reasoned it wouldn’t matter what they were like as long as the location was nice and both couples could be close together.

So we could be staying in a pair of dives, said Nick. Is that what you’re saying?

Victoria looked back at him and pulled a face that said, yes, I screwed up. I was sure it would be okay because basically every house in Barton-on-Sea is pretty.

I’m sure it will be fine, said Elsie, patting her boyfriend on the knee in a way that said, Shut up; you aren’t helping.

I like the way you said you’d blame me if it was a disaster, said Ed, when it is so blatantly your fault.

There were chuckles from the back seat but Victoria remained stony-faced in the front.

Here, look, on the left, said Nick, pointing. We could be in luck after all. That looks quite nice. See? Off the side of the road was a pleasant collection of old timber-framed housing forming a quaint little borough around an old castle. It looked like the river they’d seen was just beyond it. Is that where we’re going?

No, replied Ed despondently. There’s still a way to go before our turn off.

Oh.

The four of them looked sadly as the picturesque little suburb fell behind them to be replaced by far more modern architecture, the road becoming a dual carriageway.

This is a total fuck up, said Nick. We should have kept driving south.

It’s too late now darling, said Elsie. Let’s just give it a try. What’s the worst that can happen?

We can catch herpes off their mattress and die.

You can’t die from herpes.

No. You just wish you were dead.

Ed laughed.

Don’t you think the idea of a house swap is kind of gross? said Nick.

Why didn’t you say that before we booked it? asked Victoria.

I did say that. As usual nobody was listening.

Nobody’s listening now, said Ed.

Har har. Very funny.

Heh heh. That was funny actually, said Ed. Here’s the exit.

It was a left hand turn off the dual-carriageway at a roundabout that ran over a level crossing. The car rattled as it crossed the tracks.

Welcome to Barton, said Elsie ominously, seeing the sign. It looks like a shithole.

You’ve got that right, said Nick.

The buildings were squat and grey, a dingy suburb if ever they’d seen one. They looked like council houses, or ex-council houses, and the inhabitants looked like they fit right in. There was clearly little in the way of money to upkeep the area and the people who lived here didn’t care enough to do it themselves, or couldn’t afford to.

So what is it, said Victoria, two towns next to one another? Part of the same conurbation?

I suppose so, replied Ed, driving slowly, leaning forward to look around as he went. Maybe this is the rough end and there’s a nice part that we’re heading for.

Nick chuckled from the back. Dream on buddy. My spider sense tells me that everything that can go wrong is going wrong. This is going to be monumentally bad.

Do you have to Nick? said Victoria.

Just trying to set my expectations low. That way I’ll be pleasantly surprised. He chuckled. Beside him, Elsie shook her head and shared a look to the heavens with Victoria.

They made a long series of complicated turns, following the side roads deeper into Barton, heading further east. The quality of the housing varied somewhat but didn’t increase to the standards they were used to at home.

This really is going to be bad, said Nick. But at least it’ll make a funny story.

In the driver’s seat, Ed didn’t respond. He looked harried and his thoughts picked through the events that had led to this, looking for the best person to blame other than himself. Beside him Victoria sat with her arms tightly crossed, scowling, following almost exactly the same train of thought.

You have arrived at your destination.

They pulled the car in to the side of the road and Ed turned off the engine. All four of them looked dejectedly out at the grim area they’d arrived at.

It was a low-rent area with scrappy mud-streaked grassy patches and rundown buildings. On one side was a row of council houses with dirty walls and flaking paintwork. A couple of them were done up gaudily, their lawns over-prim, the gardens filled with cheap ornamentation, the rest were dismal. On the other side were wide blocks of flats four storeys high. Some of them had balconies, but invariably they sported drying clothes or piles of rusting crap.

Tell me you aren’t serious, said Elsie.

We’re all staying here? asked Nick.

No, said Ed. You guys are here. We’ll drop you off then we’ll have to put in our post code separately.

Which one’s ours? asked Nick.

Victoria checked the printed sheet on the dashboard, looking at the numbers. Looks like it’s in that block of flats there, she said.

Fabulous, replied Nick. This is a total fuck up. We should have driven south.

Is it too late to drive south after all? asked Elsie. Or even get a hotel somewhere here in town? Or back near that castle?

Victoria and Ed shared a look.

I kind of want to try it out, said Ed.

Really?

Sure. Since we’ve paid already. I’m curious about it. Aren’t you?

They all looked out at the dingy block of flats.

This is why I was attracted to the idea of a house swap in the first place, said Ed. It’s sort of like breaking and entering except legal. We get to spy on these people; root through their stuff. He chuckled. It’s actually better that it’s going to be so different from what we’re used to; more interesting.

That’s easy for you to say, said Elsie. Look where we’re staying.

Our place could be worse, said Ed.

Maybe…

Ed’s right, said Victoria. It’ll be really interesting staying in such a different kind of place. I want to do it. And it’s only for one night. We can move on tomorrow.

They sat thinking about it, the atmosphere in the car somewhat icy.

Nick shrugged at his girlfriend to say, What the fuck.

Okay, I guess, said Elsie. As long as it’s just going to be one night.

It will be, said Ed. He chuckled. Unless you decide you want to stay.

3

Elsie and Nick got out of the car and unloaded their luggage. It was a grey day and the dirty clouds made the shabby area look even worse.

Call us if there’s a problem, said Ed. Otherwise we’ll hook up tomorrow morning for a late breakfast. Okay?

Nick smiled back but while his mouth said, Sure thing, his eyes said, This is a terrible idea.

Wait, hang on, said Ed. You don’t have the keys. He reached for the padded envelope they had come in on the dashboard and opened the end, sliding both sets out. There were two keys for each property but they were unusual ones. They weren’t standard house keys. They were old fashioned. They looked, if anything, like jailer’s keys; like they unlocked cells in an ancient prison. It was weird.

Ed gave Nick the correct set of keys and then gave him a nod. From the passenger seat, Victoria looked sympathetic, then they pulled out and drove slowly away.

I can’t believe we’re doing this, said Elsie. Look at this place. It’s nasty. We should have got a hotel.

Maybe we should call them back, said Nick.

Both stood uncomfortably. Neither of them started moving toward the flats.

This isn’t what I imagined when Victoria suggested a house swap. It really isn’t.

Well maybe it’ll be fun, said Nick. We can shag in every room; trash the place; eat all their food; drink their liquor cabinet dry. He chuckled. What do you reckon? How bad can it be? Come on." He started across the road.

Elsie rolled her eyes. Nick was fun to be around but his aging surfer persona was wearing a bit thin. Fun was great in their twenties but they were edging toward their late thirties now and she wondered how long it was going to be before he gave up on his dream of making a living as a DJ and actually started bringing in an equal contribution. Clearly they should get a hotel room but he was still rolling along, happy-go-lucky, doing whatever his buddy Ed told him to.

Elsie sighed and extended the long vertical handle of her case then set off after him. Wait for me then.

Hurry up. I’m actually looking forward to this now.

Elsie frowned, irritated by his sudden optimism. Nick didn’t slow down. He went on ahead, circling the dark bricked building looking for the entrance. Elsie’s mind wandered to her work. She was the head of a development programming team for a company that provided library cataloguing systems. A new bolt-on to their flagship software was going into beta testing the day after she got back and she was a little frustrated she wasn’t there to do the preparations. She’d brought her laptop and could keep up with things to some extent but Nick was liable to want to get her drunk every night in the hope of getting into her pants.

She wished he’d either develop an understanding of her priorities or establish some of his own so he’d leave her be.

The entrance to the block was under a horizontal porch overhang. The glass doors were reinforced but star shaped splinters spread up from a nasty dent in the glass near the bottom, presumably from some kind of impact. There was an area of grubby grass there in front of it. The local kids no doubt used it as an impromptu football pitch. Elsie pressed her lips together and shook her head, hoping they wouldn’t get any trouble from the locals while they were here. She got enough of kids with Nick’s two.

Two children from two previous failed relationships and neither kid was worth a damn. They had their good sides but really it was a complication she could have done without. She wanted to have her own family sometime soon and she was starting to realise that the life she’d stumbled into didn’t match the one she wanted in any way.

See, said Nick, waggling his eyebrows. It looks like a lovely place. He grinned and despite her own dark train of thought, Elsie giggled, her pessimism dropping away. Nick kissed her cheek and tickled her belly. Looking at the exterior, I have high hopes for this place. I think the people who live in our flat are very classy.

Elsie giggled again, melting into the pinch of a hug he gave her, forgetting her grumpiness completely. I do love you, she said.

Of course you do, replied Nick. Who wouldn’t? I’m adorable!

He pulled open the front door to reveal a dark and narrow entrance hall then they went inside.

4

Elsie pressed the button for the lift, but though it flashed red, it never came.

Shall we just walk up? asked Nick.

Elsie looked down at her case. What about this? I can’t carry it up all those stairs.

I can get it, said Nick. Super strength is what I’m famous for.

That and modesty.

They laughed and Nick hefted both cases, clearly struggling more than he expected to up the constricted staircase.

The more she saw of the place, the more Elsie decided that it was a big mistake coming into this place. We shouldn’t even go inside you know, she said. If we go in then we’ve accepted the terms. We should just make a complaint and try and get our money back.

Don’t be such a wimp. We’re here now and it won’t hurt to look. It could be like a palace inside, you never know.

Yeah, right, said Elsie. It’s going to be a dump.

They reached the second floor and followed the dim corridor along until they reached the correct door. This is it. Nick tried the key they’d been given in the lock, hoping it wouldn’t turn, but it did and the door opened.

Elsie held her breath and followed him in. There was a little hall with three doors off it and an opening into a lounge straight ahead. Nick set down the cases rather too clumsily for Elsie’s taste and they both went through to the lounge. It had a kitchen area at one end with a folding table whose flaps were both down. There were no chairs for it immediately visible but Elsie spotted them stored underneath the table itself.

The two of them looked at one part of the room after another silently, then finally, Elsie said, Oh.

Yeah.

It’s actually not that bad.

No. It’s quite... tidy.

The flat was nowhere near as nice as their house back home but it was very well kept. After the shabbiness outside and in the stairwell, they had expected a complete dive. In fact it was compact but it was very clean and uncluttered. The kitchen area had old-fashioned appliances and not much space for cooking but it was orderly. There was a balcony to this flat at the other side of a set of sliding doors but the view wasn’t spectacular. There was a weeping willow and the side of the next block; a narrow view of the road. The balcony had very little space. It was used for storage: a selection of outdoor toys and a BMX bike.

The suite was also rather on the old side but the cushions were fluffed and there was no clutter visible. There was a coffee table on which a neat stack of OK! magazines stood, each covered with celebrity gossip articles. Elsie raised her eyebrows, lifting the first one to look at the second. Look at this trash.

Well at least they tidied up. I thought we were going to have to disinfect the place before we sat down. He slumped onto the sofa and put his feet up on the little table, hands behind his head.

Nick, scolded Elsie. Your shoes are dirty. Look.

He took them down and made an apologetic face while she tutted. I suppose it isn’t too bad for one night. And it is kind of fun. Victoria was right about that. I feel like a spy. She giggled. Shall we check out where we’ll be sleeping?

Sure.

The first door they tried off the hallway was a cramped little bathroom. The toilet and bath were so close together that it would be impossible to sit down without their legs touching the side of the bath. Again, it was clean and that was a much higher priority for Elsie. She couldn’t abide a filthy bathroom.

Is this our bedroom? asked Nick, pushing open the next door. Oh. No it’s not. Elsie caught up with him and looked past to the interior.

It wasn’t the master. It was a child’s bedroom; a little boy’s. There were posters covering most of the walls taken from comics and magazines, about two thirds related to football and rugby and a third to Transformers. This room wasn’t quite as tidy, though an attempt had clearly been made. There were toys in loose piles around the floor and the bed. The bed was a cool plastic thing made to look like a racing car with blue football bedding on it that was tidily made.

I didn’t realise they had kids, said Nick.

A kid. Just the one. Didn’t you see the bike on the balcony?

He didn’t answer, moving to the final door. What do you reckon to settling in and having a drink then getting naked and christening this place for the rest of the evening in the worst way?

You’re such an old romantic Nick, replied Elsie, walking with him through to the master bedroom, but I think you may have to revise your plans. Look.

The room was extremely neat and had a light feminine touch in the form of pretty but cheap-looking chimpanzee ornaments on the shelves and drawer top. They were dozens of them. It was clearly an obsession for the lady who lived here.

But there was only a single bed.

I’m not sure a marathon sex session is really going to work out on that tiny thing, said Elsie smugly. It doesn’t even look like a full sized single. It’s too narrow. It’s probably one of those weird Ikea beds that need special mattresses that only Ikea sell.

Well shit, said Nick, folding his arms. Where the hell are we going to sleep then?

5

Ed and Victoria pulled up the Audi when the sat nav told them to and peered out at where they were going to be staying.

Well... It isn’t as bad as theirs, said Ed.

No, replied Victoria. I suppose not.

It wasn’t a block of flats this time but a little terraced house. There were some slates missing off the roof and the garden was a scrubby mess but at least it