Dream On: Every setback is a little nudge from HIM to Dream On

On

Chapter 1

A Branded Failure

One line of encouragement and genuine appreciation is all one needs –

to turn life on its head.

A Disastrous Start

Disaster struck after disaster. On 31st October 1984, the 3rd Prime Minister of India, Mrs. Indira Gandhi was assassinated by her security guards. Worst, over the next few days, thousands of Sikhs were killed in retaliatory violence.

I remember that our family gave shelter to one of the neighbouring Sikh families in our home during those tough times. Most of the people in our locality helped the Sikhs pass through this tumultuous situation in their life, and survive through that bad phase in the history of India. I was 11 years old. At that age, I did not understand much about what was happening, why people were killing each other, but was just disturbed by the situation. Someone kills the prime minister of our country and then a few others are killing some innocent countrymen, who have nothing to do with the killing of our prime minister. They might as well be equally saddened by the killing of Mrs. Indira Gandhi.

Riots were driven by elements unknown to me. I still vaguely remember some of the incidents that happened in front of my eyes. Sikh students were running from our school after removing their turban, opening their hair in disguise of girls. Many Sikhs had cut their hair so as not to be easily recognised being from the target community.

While this was as disturbing for us as a family as it was for the nation as a whole, even this incident seemed to pale in front of the immediate crisis that I had in my personal life at that point.

My school marks with every passing term exam, and with every passing class, were dipping like a crashed plane fireball about to hit the ground any time.

Riots will settle down after a few days. Things will streamline. We will get a new prime minister. Country will start rolling again. People will become busy with their own lives, but what will happen to me as I move to the next class.

These were my thoughts at that age, though they sound ridiculous today.

It was becoming more and more difficult for me to understand what the teachers used to teach in the class. It was a vicious circle. I did not understand much of what the teachers taught, and they used to scold me for my lack of understanding. This negative reaction from my teachers used to push me further away from myself and my studies. It was becoming more and more clear to me that I was not capable of moving forward in my studies; forget about getting great marks and building a great career.

I do not remember how exactly when all this (marks stuff) started downhill, or whether it actually ever went uphill. If I go back to my nursery days, I used to go to a house which was very close to where we stayed. Actually, there were around 10-12 kids from our neighbourhood who used to go to this informal kids school which was run by the lady of the house. I do not remember exactly what I studied there, but what I only remember is that I never wanted to go to a school - any kind of school.

A stage came when I had started enjoying being with myself. Perhaps because that is how I was brought up. My dad was busy in his government job. My mom was more than busy in life’s struggle to manage our house. My two elder brothers were just too elder to give any kind of company to me, the age gap with the eldest one being 17 years. I had learnt to play with myself. I enjoyed my own company. I was my own favourite. Until...my parents took a decision to put me into this kid’s school, and I absolutely hated it.

Why did you come back from the school so early? asked my mom one day while I was still trying to adjust in the kid’s school.

Mom, it is raining very heavily outside. It is water everywhere. I cannot go. I uttered a pre-planned answer, having pre-empted the question from my mom. But you cannot fool a middle class mother of those times. She had only one dream - to give us good education by doing whatever it takes.

Come with me. This strong will-powered lady just grabbed my hand, picked up my school bag and dragged me back to the school paddling through a few inches of water on the way. She left me at the school and came back. I was embarrassed and humiliated in front of my classmates, but hardly had any choice.

I kept dragging in my studies. Barely managing and hardly enjoying my life. I was about to clear my 1st standard. Since this kids school was home based, it did not offer studies beyond 1st standard. My parents had to take a decision on my further schooling. The default choice was government schools in those days. However, private convent school was not ruled out. My parents opted for the latter because they always wanted the best possible education for their child, just like most parents would. As with most parents of that generation, they were ready to sacrifice their desires when it came to education for their children.

They took me to one of the only private convent schools that had opened in our locality. That was the time when there were no global or international schools. My parents were looking for any school that was better than the government schools. Government schools were fast losing their reputation in India and my parents risked a big chunk of their earnings for my bright future. My school itself was new, so they did not have to pay a fortune to get my admission done, but the regular monthly fees was of course many times that of the government schools.

My parents had realised that times are changing, and that they must adapt. They did not want to leave any stone unturned in shaping my career. None of my elder brothers had the privilege of studying in a private convent school, though both were astonishingly successful in their life and career. This just added that extra bit of expectations from me to perform better in school.

Because of the age difference, I do not seem to remember much of our togetherness as brothers. I also had no clue what magic wand my brothers had used to reach the success level they had already accomplished in their respective careers. Studies, success, marks, competition – all these seemed so alien to me. By this time when I was entering a convent school, both my brothers had their careers set up and were going all guns blazing.

Many years passed. I kept struggling in studies and somehow kept dragging myself.

Today, the 9th standard results were supposed to come out, and I was keeping my fingers crossed. I had done a lot of mugging up before the exams, punctuated by prayers to my favourite Gods, and was expecting nothing less than a miracle to see myself pass the exam.

None of the expected miracles worked this time. I failed. I could not get through Class 9. It was somewhat unexpected considering the preparation (mugging and prayers) I had so sincerely done. Well, I knew that mugging was not the best choice, but perhaps the only one for a student like me, who just could not understand the strange physics theorems, complicated mathematic algorithms, tongue twisting botanical names and the ever puzzling chemical formulae.

For those who ever failed in studies, they would know that failing in an exam is just the beginning of the ordeal. The bigger challenge always lay ahead.

How was I going to face my classmates? And what about my parents who are investing their fortune for my studies?

The stress in the life of a 9th standard student was almost unbearable. I had no clue why the education system was like the way it was. Why was someone forced to mug up if one could not understand formulae or theorems? Will we be using these theorems and formulae in our day to day life? I had never seen my parents use them in their lives. Well, I did not have any answers and also had no mentor who could guide me through these paradoxes of life.

Why is our education not about life skills, or how to lead a great life, or how to face adversities and just stay happy, or how to learn the significance of helping others, or finding, establishing and nurturing our core values, or even leading a peaceful life - the way one loves it. Why can’t I live the way I like it?

I kept thinking. Our education system was everything but any of these.

Today’s education is about marks, competition, jealousy, great jobs, money and everything else. It may teach you how to earn more money but fails to touch on how to utilise that earned money for the benefit of yourself and others. It may teach you to reach out for the goals, but fails to even scrape upon the importance of the journey while striving for those goals. It may teach you how to get the work done, but fails to teach you the importance of sticking to your core values even if the work gets delayed.

May be, my thoughts were impractical for this world. May be, I was on the wrong side. My train of thoughts was broken and I was quickly pulled back to reality. There was no choice now but to disclose the result to my parents and then face the consequences.

Look at your brothers. Where have they reached, and look at yourself. What is wrong with you? How are you going to face them? How are we going to face the society? shouted my dad on being disclosed the result.

And I knew that dad was not wrong. He is not wrong to expect some bare minimum result from me, after he had given up on his life’s happiest moments for my studies.

He must have uttered a few more lines of advice for me, which I don’t remember today, may be because I was not really listening at that time. My mind was running with a stream of my own thoughts, just like an unstoppable free flowing river.

However hard one may try, it becomes difficult for parents not to compare the siblings, especially if the difference in the results has been so alarming. I mean, all of us (three brothers) had been given the same environment at home, same love and attention from parents. The expectations are also bound to be built accordingly. Ah!! Perhaps they are missing only one thing – the realisation that each individual is crafted different. So, even if the environment is same, love and affection is the same, the results are bound to be different.

While I was trying to defend the results to myself, I could never forget the effort (both financial and otherwise) that was being put in by my parents to help me to be successful in my life. Not that I was not trying, but it was just that the results were betraying me. I knew I had to find a way out of this chaos.

I remembered how my dad used to study with me, awake through nights and early morning sessions to help me mug up things. May be, he had realised that the only way out for a child like me was to mug up. But there was no denying the fact. The fact was that I was a failure. I had no idea how to react to my parent’s disappointment at my result.

I stood with my heads down, waiting for the next gush of reaction from my dad. It did not come. Perhaps, dad was pained from inside. My mother did not say anything to me but I could feel her pain as well. She just kept the food platter in front of me and asked me to eat. I swallowed, trying to make sure that the gulping of food made the least possible noise, lest the attention created by the noise may just bring the focus back on me.

I was staring at the food while eating, still unaware what I was eating. My mind was definitely somewhere else. I did not like the situation, but had no clue what was wrong with me. I definitely wanted to be a better student, a better son, but did not know what was required to be done to become like that.

I was terrified thinking about what was to follow in the next few days. I will have to repeat the class for sure. It would be painful to face friends in the school, who would now, be my seniors.

How embarrassing it would be for mom and dad to face the society we all live in? What can I do to help them?

I seemed less worried about myself or my own future and more worried about whether I can help my parents ease the pain somewhat. But I had no answers, no solutions, and no clues. Life was completely out of my control. I felt like a victim in this strange world, where what others will say bears more importance than what actually happens to you.

Life looked hopeless, and every possible option seemed to be headed towards a dead end. What was the guarantee that I will pass next year? And the year after that? Because every year, I will have to rely on mugging and praying to take myself through. God had given me limited skills and talent. There was no way I can clear all these exams (and the tougher ones in higher classes ahead).

How long can I keep doing this in life? Is there a way I can escape the school? Is there a way to escape the studies? Can I avoid sharing the results with my parents and people around me? And if the answers to all these questions are No, then can I escape this life? Can I end my life? Will that really make it easier for everyone - I and my parents?

After days of brainstorming, I concluded that suicide seemed to be the easiest way out of the chaos. I had read about such incidents in the newspapers many times. Some students opted for this. One time pain seemed a better bargain than going through this torture year after year for the rest of my life. And the torture and embarrassment was not only for me, but also for my parents.

The decision to end my life was final. It was just that I had to plan - when and how to execute this option?

Even dying needs to be planned well….phew!! I hope I don’t fail here as well.

A Ray of Hope

I and Priya were sitting on a concrete bench in our neighbourhood park, which was just behind our house. I was repeating my Class 9. The embarrassment of repeating a class and that of my parents facing the society was far from being wiped off, but I just had enough courage left over to give it one last shot. Suicide was postponed by an year. I also realised that it needs lot of guts to attempt an option like suicide. But, another failure in school, and I knew that it would be the end.

It was not a very big park but the government was kind enough to leave these green patches of land amongst the cramped row of houses that we lived in.

Priya was a thin, tall and fair complexioned girl, just about my height. We were close neighbours, our houses separated by three other houses in the same row. We have had great discussions together many times - chatting and sharing our life and experiences. From an academic perspective, Priya was a year junior to me, but it was her mature, stable and positive mindset towards life that often attracted me towards her. The fact that she was also stunningly beautiful made her company just more enjoyable. Meeting her was like a gasp of fresh morning air.

We had some time in our hand today, and my thoughts were obviously pulled towards my deepest worry. And I found the best confidant in Priya. I always felt happy to share everything with her. I knew that she would always keep our discussions with herself. In fact, she was my only real friend. Probably, one true friend is all one needs to lead a beautiful life.

Priya’s both parents were in government jobs, just like my dad was. She had a brother and a sister, and was the youngest sibling in her family, just as I was in my family. In this orthodox and closed society, I sometimes wondered what made her so different. Perhaps, it was her initial upbringing as a child.

Priya and her brother, Abhishek were twins. In the 1970s when it was difficult to earn money and make both ends meet, this sudden advent of twins in her family was becoming tough to handle for her parents - both from time and money perspective. So, her parents decided to send her off to her maternal grandmother’s house for the initial upbringing. Thus, Priya stayed in a different city in a big joint family for the first 6 years of her life, and that is perhaps, what made her think so beautifully different today.

Truly, the environment around the person has a big impact on what one finally becomes in life. One’s thoughts are driven by what one sees, feels, hears, reads, and observes around oneself. And ultimately, it is our thoughts that drive our actions, which ultimately drive our destiny.

While watching the other kids play French cricket in the park, I shared with Priya what was disturbing me in life. This was perhaps the first and the last time I wanted to share my feelings with someone, before giving up on myself.

Harsh, Vivek and so many others - they are all so intelligent. They are a different league. I am just not able to compete with them. While I struggle to understand what the teacher is trying to teach in the class, these guys are asking questions as if someone came from a different planet to teach them OR perhaps they themselves are from a different galaxy. I can’t get the head and tail of the subjects being taught at school, and then when I don’t score; my dad and mom feel that I don’t study enough. Trust me Priya, I want to study and get good marks - for myself, and for my parents. But believe me; I can’t understand what they are trying to teach.

I tried to explain Priya. I was just hoping that at least Priya would understand my inability and lack of skill.

Priya looked at me and asked in a sympathetic voice,

Rahul, are there any specific subjects that you do not understand? If that is the case, you can always think of having some private tutor.

No, I mean, it’s all the subjects. I do get some idea about English and Hindi, both being languages of common use, but I have no idea what to do with Social Studies, Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics.

I responded back at her, and continued

Yes, there is one subject I enjoy, and I score well.

Which one? she asked with a ray of hope.

SUPW

I responded with excitement, my eyes shone bright at the mention of the subject.

Pre-empting her next question, I explained what it stands for.

This is called as Socially Useful Productive Work

Is that a subject? Does it carry marks? What do they teach you in this subject? asked Priya.

They teach whatever is socially useful for us. We can choose from a number of vocational educational activities like gardening, cooking, painting, carpentry, crafts, community service and other hobbies.

I was so excited to explain about this subject to her. I do not know why, but I was always thrilled at the mention of this subject.

And I score well in this subject. I mean they do not give marks, but only grades for this, and I usually get an A grade here.

I explained Priya, looking straight in her eyes - and with a ray of hope as if she can alter the course curriculum for me.

She had never heard about this subject. She also wanted to understand more about it.

But Rahul, How does this subject help you in getting admission into a good college later. asked Priya.

I understand what you say, but here is my problem. Why we cannot do what we like doing, and establish some career in that area of our liking later on, rather than just to chase marks by mugging up subjects. After all, we earn money to be happy and comfortable and if SUPW makes me happy and comfortable, why can’t I get into this, even if it pays me less later on. I do not want to compete with anyone on money. I have been built like this by God. I cannot change what God has made of me.

Knowing very well that Priya was wise and logical in her thinking approach, I reasoned with her to the best of my abilities. I poured out my mind to her. Still, her response was a little surprising to me.

But Rahul, if you don’t get good marks, you won’t get a good job, and if you don’t get a good job, how will you earn enough money? I mean there is no assurance that you will end up getting a job in this area, forget about getting a good one. And if you do not earn money, how do you foresee your life to be? How will you survive? What about your family? Life is not easy. I have seen my parents struggling for money. You must be seeing yours. You need money to survive. You cannot just do what you like doing, unless of course you have inherited a huge wealth, which I know you have not. You see, one of the biggest skills in any human being is his or her earning ability.

She tried to reason with me.

And why is that our earning ability is considered as one of the bigger skills?

I was trying to get her side of the picture about money.

That’s because wherever you are in life - even if you have a good amount of money with you today, tragedy can strike anytime. You can lose everything in matters of moments, but if you are alive and you have this ability or skill to earn and remain relevant in the world, then you can start all over again. You can survive, and blossom all over.

She explained.

While I was convinced with her explanation, I was losing the only ray of hope I had.

But what should I do now? I seem to have lost it now. I cannot understand these subjects, which, according to you, can give me an ability to earn money. They are like a different language to me. The more I apply my mind on these subjects, the more I am getting frustrated. I realise that there is something wrong with me and not the subject, because there are so many others who understand the same subjects so well and even ask ‘intelligent’ questions. May be I was created like this. If that is the case, what am I supposed to do now?

My hope for a miracle solution from Priya was fading away.