The Magnetick Lady or, Humours Reconcil'd: "To speak and to speak well, are two things. A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks."

The Magnetick Lady by Ben Jonson

or Humours  Reconcil'd.

A  COMEDY. From the 1640 folio

Benjamin Ben Jonson was born in June, 1572. A contemporary of William Shakespeare, he is best known for his satirical plays; Volpone, The Alchemist, and Bartholomew Fair, and his equally accomplished lyric poems.

A man of vast reading and a seemingly insatiable appetite for controversy, including time in jail and a penchant for switching faiths, Jonson had an unparalleled breadth of influence on Jacobean and Caroline playwrights and poets.

In 1616 Jonson was appointed by King James I to receive a yearly pension of £60 to become what is recognised as the first official Poet Laureate.  

He died on the 6th of August, 1637 at Westminster and is buried in the north aisle of the nave at Westminster Abbey.

A master of both playwriting and poetry his reputation continues to endure and reach a new audience with each succeeding generation.

Index of Contents

SCENE - LONDON

The PERSONS that ACT

The CHORUS by way of Induction

THE INDUCTION or CHORUS

ACT I

SCENE I

SCENE II

SCENE III

SCENE IV

SCENE V

SCENE VI

SCENE VII

CHORUS.

ACT II

SCENE I

SCENE II

SCENE III

SCENE IV

SCENE V

SCENE VI

SCENE VII

CHORUS

ACT III

SCENE I

SCENE II

SCENE III

SCENE IV

SCENE V

SCENE VI

CHORUS

ACT IV

SCENE I

SCENE II

SCENE III

SCENE IV

SCENE V

SCENE VI

SCENE VII

SCENE VIII

CHORUS

ACT V

SCENE I

SCENE II

SCENE III

SCENE IV

SCENE V

SCENE VI

SCENE VII

SCENE VIII

SCENE IX

SCENE X

CHORUS changed into an EPILOGUE to the KING.

Ben Jonson – A Short Biography

Ben Jonson – A Concise Bibliography

Ben Jonson – An Historical View by Felix E Schellin

A Glossary of Words & Meanings

SCENE - LONDON

The PERSONS that ACT

LADY LOADSTONE        The Magnetick Lady.

Mistris  POLISH        Her Gossip and she-Parasite.

Mistris  PLACENTIA        Her Neice.obsolete form of 'Niece'

PLEASANCE          Her Waiting-woman,

Mistris  KEEPE        The Neices Nurse.

Mother  CHAIR        The Midwife.

Mr. COMPASS        A Scholar Mathematick.

Captain  IRONSIDE        A Soldier.

Parson  PALATE        Prelate of the Parish.

Doctor  RUT        Physician to the House.

TIM ITEM          His Apothecary.

Sir DIAPH SILKWORM     A Courtier.

Mr.  PRACTISE        A Lawyer.

Sir  MOATE INTEREST     An Usurer, or Money-Bawd.

Mr. BIAS          A Vi-politick, or Sub-secretary.

Mr. NEEDLE        The Ladies Steward and Taylor.

The CHORUS by way of Induction.

THE INDUCTION or CHORUS

Two GENTLEMEN entring upon the Stage.

Mr. PROBEE and Mr. DAMPLAY.

A BOY of the House meets them.

BOY - What do you lack, Gentlemen? what is't you lack? any fine Phansies, Figures, Humors, Characters, Ideas, Definitions of Lords and Ladies? Waiting-women, Parasites, Knights, Captains, Courtiers, Lawyers? what do you lack?

Mr PROBEE - A pretty prompt Boy for the Poetick Shop.

Mr DAMPLAY - And a bold! where's one o' your Masters;

Sirrah, the Poet?

BOY - Which of 'em? Sir we have divers that drive that Trade, now: Poets, Poet'accios, Poetasters, Poetito's—

Mr DAMPLAY - And all Haberdashers of small Wit, I presume; we would speak with the Poet o' the

day, Boy.

BOY - Sir, he is not here. But, I have the Dominion of the Shop, for this time, under him, and can shew you all the variety the Stage will afford for the present.

Mr PROBEE - Therein you will express your own good Parts, Boy.

Mr DAMPLAY - And tye us two to you for the gentle Office.

Mr PROBEE - We are a Pair of publick Persons (this Gentleman and my self) that are sent, thus coup-

led unto you upon State-business.

BOY - It concerns but the State of the Stage I hope!

Mr DAMPLAY - O, you shall know that by degrees, Boy. No Man leaps into a business of State, without fourding first the State of the business.

MR PROBEE - We are sent unto you, indeed from the People.

BOY - The People! which side of the People?

Mr DAMPLAY - The Venison side, if you know it, Boy.

BOY - That's the left side. I had rather they had been the right.

Mr PROBEE - So they are. Not the Faces, or Grounds of your People, that sit in the oblick Caves and

Wedges of your House, your sinful Six-penny Mechanicks—

Mr DAMPLAY - But the better, and braver sort of your People! Plush and Velvet-outsides! that stick your House round like so many Eminences—

BOY - Of Clothes, not Understandings? They are at pawn. Well, I take these as a part of your People though; what bring you to me from these People?

Mr DAMPLAY - You have heard, Boy, the ancient Poets had it in their purpose, still to please this People.

Mr PROBEE - I, their chief aim was—

Mr DAMPLAY - Populo ut placerent: (if he understands so much.)

BOY - 'Quas fecissent fabulas. I understand that, sin' I learn'd Terence, i' the third Form at Westminster: go on, Sir.

Mr PROBEE - Now, these People have imployed us to you, in all their Names, to intreat an excellent

Play from you.

Mr DAMPLAY - For they have had very mean ones, from this Shop of late, the Stage as you call it.

BOY - Troth, Gentlemen, I have no Wares, which I dare thrust upon the People with praise. But this,

such as it is, I will venture with your People, your gay gallant People: so as you, again, will undertake for them, that they shall know a good Play when they hear it; and will have the Conscience and Ingenuity beside to confess it.

Mr PROBEE - We'll pass our words for that: you shall have a Brace of us to ingage our selves.

BOY - You'll tender your Names, Gentlemen, to our Book then?

Mr DAMPLAY - Yes, here's Mr. Probee; a man of most powerful Speech, and Parts to perswade.

Mr PROBEE - And Mr. Damplay will make good all he undertakes.

BOY - Good Mr. Probee, and Mr. Damplay! I like your Securities: whence do you write your selves?

Mr PROBEE - Of London, Gentlemen: but Knights Brothers, and Knights Friends, I assure you.

Mr DAMPLAY - And Knights Fellow's too. Every Poet writes Squire now.

BOY - You are good Names! very good Men, both of you! I accept you.

Mr DAMPLAY - And what is the Title of your Play, here? The Magnetick Lady?

BOY - Yes, Sir, an attractive Title the Author has given it.

Mr PROBEE - A Magnete, I warrant you.

Mr DAMPLAY - O, no, from Magnus, Magna, Magnum.

BOY - This Gentleman hath found the true Magnitude—

Mr DAMPLAY - Of his Portal or Entry to the Work, according to Vitruvius.

BOY - Sir, all our work is done without a Portal—or Vitruvius. In Foro, as a true Comedy should be. And what is conceal'd within, is brought out, and made present by report.

Mr DAMPLAY - We see not that always observ'd by your Authors of these Times; or scarce any other.

BOY - Where it is not at all known, how should it be observ'd? The most of those your People call Authors, never dreamt of any Decorum, or what was proper in the Scene; but grope at it i' the dark, and feel or fumble for it; I speak it, both with their leave and the leave o' your People.

Mr DAMPLAY - But, why Humors reconcil'd; I would fain know?

BOY - I can satisfie you there too: if you will.

But, perhaps you desire not to be satisfied.

Mr DAMPLAY - No? Why should you conceive so, Boy?

BOY - My Conceit is not ripe yet: I'll tell you that anon. The Author beginning his Studies of this kind, with every Man in his Humour; and after every Man out of his Humour; and since, continuing in all his Plays, especially those of the Comick Thred, whereof the New-Inn was the last, some recent Humours still, or Manners of Men, that went along with the Times; finding himself now near the close, or shutting up of his Circle, hath phant'sied to himself, in Idæa, this Magnetick Mistris. A Lady, a brave bountiful Housekeeper, and a vertuous Widow: who having a young Neice, ripe for a Man and marriageable, he makes that his Center attractive, to draw thither a diversity of Guests, all Persons of different Humours to make up his Perimiter. And this he hath call'd Humours reconcil'd.

Mr PROBEE - A bold undertaking! and far greater then the Reconciliation of both Churches, the Quarrel between Humours having been much the ancienter; and, in my poor Opinion, the Root of

all Schism and Faction both in Church and Commonwealth.

BOY - Such is the Opinion of many wise Men, that meet at this Shop still, but how he will speed

in it, we cannot tell, and he himself (it seems) less cares. For he will not be intreated by us, to give it a Prologue. He has lost too much that way already, he says. He will not wooe the Gentile ignorance so much. But careless of all vulgar Censure, as not depending on common Approbation, he is confident it shall super-please judicious Spectators, and to them he leaves it to work with the rest, by Example or otherwise.

Mr DAMPLAY - He may be deceived in that, Boy: Few follow Examples now, especially if they be good.

BOY - The Play is ready to begin, Gentlemen, I tell yon, you lest you might defraud the expectation of

the People, for whom you are Delegates! Please you take a couple of Seats and plant your selves, here, as near my standing as you can: Fly every thing (you see) to the Mark, and censure it, freely. So you interrupt not the Series or Thred of the Argument, to break or pucker it, with unnecessary Questions. For, I must tell you, (not out of mine own Dictamen, but the Authors,) A good Play is like a Skean of Silk: which, if you take by the right end, you may wind off at pleasure, on the Bottom or Card of your Discourse, in a Tale, or so; how you will: But if you light on the wrong end, you will pull all into a knot, or Elfe-lock; which nothing but the Sheers, or a Candle will undo, or separate.

Mr DAMPLAY - Stay! who be these, I pray you?

BOY - Because it is your first Question, and (these be the prime persons) it would in civility require an answer: but I have heard the Poet affirm, that to be the most unlucky Scene in a Play, which needs an Interpreter; especially, when the Auditory are awake: and such are you, he presumes. Ergo.

ACT I. SCENE I

COMPASS, IRONSIDE.

COMPASS - Welcome, good Captain Ironside, and Brother;

You shall along with me. I'm lodg'd hard by

Here, at a noble Ladies House i' th' street,

The Lady Loadstones (one will bid us welcome)

Where there are Gentlewomen, and male Guests

Of several humours, carriage, constitution,

Profession too: but so diametral

One to another, and so much oppos'd,

As if I can but hold them all together,

And draw 'em to a sufferance of themselves,

But till the Dissolution of the Dinner,

I shall have just occasion to believe

My wit is magisterial; and our selves

Take infinite delight i' the success.

CAPTAIN IRONSIDE - Troth, Brother Compass, you shall pardon me;

I love not so to multiply acquaintance

At a Meals cost; 'twill take off o' my freedom

So much; or bind me to the least observance.

COMPASS - Why, Ironside, you know I am a Scholar,

And part a Soldier; I have been employed

By some the greatest States-men o' the Kingdom,

These many years: and in my time convers'd