From Troy to Man

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Introduction

Last year was a bit like negotiating a moto-cross course for me. First of all I fell in love/lust with (what I thought then) was the perfect girl, Lara Matthews. It was an unrequited love, though. She was going out with one of my best friends, Spud. Spud, though was sowing his wild oats and I felt in was my duty to try to steer Lara down the right path in life and after she found out about Spud’s shenanigans, she dumped him. Unfortunately Lara felt that her road to love then led to my friend Tom’s door.

Spud was then involved in a bizarre family secret in which he was initially suspected of being my mother’s secret lover. Then he was suspected of being the secret son of the local tramp. In the end he turned out to be my brother, who had been given up for adoption ten months before I was born.

My own attempts at finding a girlfriend always ended negatively. First of all I tried the Internet, only to end up nearly getting abducted by Trevor Marsh. He was a man that was sensationally cleared of murder a few months later. Then there was Ellie who tried to use me as a scapegoat father to her secret pregnancy. Finally I did find love, in the shape of someone I had taken a dislike to because she was a Pompey fan, Donna Bull (AKA Snowy).

Just as I was about to lose my virginity, (the day before in fact) I was involved in a serious car crash on the way back from a football match. I ended up losing my virginity to a sexy little Asian nurse during my recuperation. I felt guilty but I got away with it. Snowy discovered my diary; I showed her my non-incriminating 2003 diary so I had to give up writing for my own security reasons - until now.

There was the occasional high. My beloved football team, Southampton got to the FA Cup Final (The world’s oldest knockout Cup competition). They lost to Arsenal on the day but I had a memorable day in Cardiff, where I discovered my mother’s old diary. The book shrouded the next few months of my life in confusion, though and I even ended up running away to Cardiff and being taken under the wing of a huge Ghanaian man called Kwame, before eventually being found by my Dad and my former tormenter and (as I found out much later) Snowy’s Dad Pitbull.

I did end up having a fling with my old heart throb, Lara but it was at a bad time for me because I was in love with Snowy then and I had grown out of my infatuation with her. Why couldn’t she have shown an interest in me when I was in love with her? If she had - I would have enjoyed 2003 a great deal more than I did.

Chapter One

The Unwilling Singleton

25 December 2004, Saturday

This should have been the best Christmas of my life. Everything went very well.

My brother Stuart (AKA Spud) brought me a laptop that now enables me to write my diary with total security and the rest of the family clubbed together to buy me a car. (Ford Street KA) The car is a complete dream.

I found it difficult showing complete enthusiasm for these superb gifts because my beloved girlfriend Snowy finished with me last night. She told me that she wanted to have a year of trying out other relationships to make sure that I am the one that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.

She told me to play the field to see if I still love her in a year’s time. She didn’t give me a choice in the matter, therefore I am utterly miserable.

The promise of a white Christmas was only fulfilled up North. For us in the south, it was the usual bitterly cold Christmas Day.

At least this year I was able to experience Christmas. Last year I was in a hospital bed attached to a life support machine.

We spent the day at home. My baby sister Angelina, who is just over a year old, was the focus of the attention and was helped to open her presents by an enthusiastic Mum and Dad. She seemed to be more interested in the packaging though and cried when Mum insisted on throwing it out with the rest of the rubbish.

I was given my car keys in a pretty little package and took my baby out for a short spin before lunch.

Our guests were Nan and Grandad Brown (who’s birthday it is today but he doesn’t bother celebrating it anymore) and my mother’s sister, Auntie Cathy with her new boyfriend Dean. Dean is quite short with spiky black hair. He is only a couple of years older than I. He’s all right except for the fact that he is an Arsenal fan and when he talks he begins every sentence with the F word. I find that quite irritating. It must be contagious because Cathy has started to swear more now.

Lunch was as delicious, as ever, and very very filling. When dinner followed four hours later I was still full up from lunch and could hardly eat a thing.

Nan and Grandad are either at war with each other or in love. It seems to change from day to day. Today was a lovey-dovey day thank God! They left at six, shortly followed by Cathy and Dean. Then Dad, Mum, Angelina, Griz (the dog) and me were able to spend a peaceful evening watching BBC One.

26 December 2004, Sunday

I had a nice lie in this morning. After breakfast I tried to phone Snowy but her phone was switched off.

It was bitterly cold again today as Dad and I discovered as we made our way over the Solent to Southampton for the Saints Premiership match against Charlton Athletic.

We bumped into Saints’ new assistant manager as we strolled around the ground in the December sunshine. Dad approached him. ‘Hello Harry!’ He said, ‘Can I trouble you for a picture?’

‘Not at all!’ Said Jim Smith as he happily posed with Dad while Dad took the snap with his mobile phone.

Jim Smith patted Dad on his back as he went on his way. Dad showed me the picture and I said, ‘He didn’t mind you calling him Harry then?’

Dad was mortified. ‘Why the hell did I call him Harry? He must have thought I was a right idiot!’

It was a twelve thirty kick off and the Dell Supporters Club opened at eleven thirty but they were only serving soft drinks until twelve o’clock. The sober members meant a sober atmosphere and the club host, Ben Shoveller, was finding it difficult creating a buzz.

This atmosphere unfortunately spread into the stadium. It was the quietest home game I remember going to and the result was just as under whelming. Nil-nil. This result leaves us second from bottom in the league and still heading for relegation to the Coca Cola Championship.

We caught the three o’clock Red Jet back to Cowes and went straight home for a dinner of leftover turkey, boiled ham and mashed potato.

I tried to phone Snowy again this evening but she still had her phone switched off. Maybe she is deliberately trying to avoid me? I was hoping that she might still be going on the double date that we arranged with Meat and Kylie tomorrow.

I went around to my best friend, Ed’s house this evening to play on all his new X-Box games. His beautiful fifteen-year-old sister Zoe joined in.

The News was awful today. A huge earthquake has occurred of the coast of India. It created a massive tsunami that has reaped devastation along the coastlines of Sri Lanka, India, Bangladesh, Burma, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia and Kenya. It is only a matter of time before horrific death tolls are reported.

27 December 2004, Monday

This morning I went to the cinema with my friends Meat (AKA Nathan Edge) and his long-term girlfriend, Kylie. It was arranged a couple of weeks ago and Snowy was supposed to be with me. I was reluctant to keep the date but Meat and Kylie insisted. We watched Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. I entered the theatre slightly worried that it might be a film parodying my own life but it was about three of the weirdest American kids you have ever seen and considering their competition that is some achievement.

After we picked up lunch at the drive-thru KFC we went to Shanklin Theatre to watch their production of the Dick Whittington pantomime. I only agreed to go because I had nothing else to do but it was a surprisingly good show until, just before the end, Idle Jack and Vermintrude made an announcement.

IDLE JACK: We normally do birthday wishes at this stage but we have no birthdays today.

AUDIENCE: AWWWW

VERMINTRUDE: But we do have a very special question to ask someone in the audience.

IDLE JACK: That’s right. Do we have a Kylie Williams in the auditorium?

(Kylie shyly raised her arm Idle Jack and Vermintrude waved from the stage)

VERMINTRUDE: Stand up then! Don’t be shy!

(Kylie slowly got to her feet.)

IDLE JACK: Hello Kylie. On behalf of your boyfriend, Nathan. Will you marry me? (Audience laughs) HIM! I mean will you marry him?

(Kylie clasped her hands to her mouth.)

IDLE JACK: Is that shock or did your nose nearly fall off?

AUDIENCE: Laughter.

VERMINTRUDE: I don’t think she should say yes if he can’t ask her himself!

AUDIENCE: Oh yes she should!

VERMINTRUDE AND IDLE JACK: Oh no she shouldn’t!

AUDIENCE: Oh yes she should!

IDLE JACK: What will it be then Kylie?

(Kylie nodded and Meat threw his arms around her and lifted her up in a passionate kiss to rapturous applause from the audience)

It was an unusual end to a panto. Afterwards I was expecting to be taken home but, instead, I was taken to the Bargemans Rest pub for a lovely meal paid for by Meat and Kylie.

The whole day was a build up to Meat asking me to be his best man. Me! I am so honored! I didn’t even dream that he would have asked me. Of course I said yes without really thinking of the responsibilities involved in the position.

Fortunately, though, they have not fixed a date yet so, hopefully, it won’t happen for a couple of years. Or maybe, at all!

28 December 2004, Tuesday

I played in a Sunday League Division Two game this morning for my club, Cowes Park Rangers against Blackwater. (Yes a Sunday League match on a Tuesday) It was the first time I have seen Pitbull (Snowy’s father and our team manager) since our split.

‘Shit ‘appens mate!’ He remarked. ‘Loyk when ver scummers play!’

‘Indeed!’ I said. ‘And how are Harry and Jim?’

Pitbull’s wife gave birth to twin boys in August. They were named after Portsmouth Football Club’s then messiahs and management team, Harry Redknapp and Jim Smith. A few weeks ago they walked out on Pompey and took over at Southampton to help our fight to stay in the Premiership. This action was met with disgust and anger from arch rivals Pompey especially those Pompey fans who had rather stupidly had tattoos made depicting Harry and Jim and even named their children after them.

‘Vat’s Harold and Jamie, fank you Troy.’ Pitbull replied. ‘And vay only went to you lot to make sure you go down and stay down!’

‘Yes that’s why on his last game in charge of you lot, he helped us gain only our second win of the season! It’s also nice to see you named one of your sons after our manager’s son, Jamie Redknapp!’

‘Do me a favour! Vere is no chance of Hacker Redknapp signing for you lot, so v’at doesn’t make ‘im a scummer! I would just remind you vat we’ve won four out of our last foyve league games since voze two Judases left! How ‘ave you lot done?’

He had me there. We are staring relegation in the face! Pompey are heading for European football. Football is a painful religion some times.

We won our match two-one. I scored the winner with a penalty.

After the match I went home for lunch. Cathy and Dean joined us. I told them about my perspective position of Best Man at Meat and Kylie’s wedding and Dean congratulated me very enthusiastically. ‘F***in’ I can give you a few tips on your speech. F***in’ done it three times, ‘aven’t I? F***in’ write the speech for ya if ya want!’

‘I know where you are if I need you.’ I said graciously but with a garnish of sarcasm.

A thought came to me today on the way to Tesco with Mum and Dad this afternoon. Are any people that were born blind dyslexic?

Mum got the fish for the huge aquarium that Dad got her for Christmas today. She called the orange and white one Fizz and Dad named the smaller orange, black and white one Le Tiss. They are talking to them at every available opportunity. It won’t last!

Saints played Liverpool today at Anfield and Sky showed the game live. We were just as poor as ever in a one-nil defeat. It looks like Harry (Redknapp) is going to have to sell our top striker, James Beattie to acquire funds to buy several new players. I am trying not to get depressed about my team’s plight but with everything else that has happened recently, I am failing.

The death toll in the Asian Earthquake disaster makes, as feared, horrific reading!

Sri Lanka: 18,706 dead

Indonesia: 27,174 dead

India: 4,371 dead

Thailand: 1,400 dead

Maldives: 52 dead

Malaysia: 44 dead

Burma: 30 dead

Bangladesh: 2 dead

Somalia: 100 dead

Kenya: 1 dead

Seychelles: 3 dead

Tanzania: 10 dead

Maybe I have no right to be depressed about the fate of a football club that will still live on even after relegation. I went to bed feeling depressed about being depressed for such a trivial set of reasons.

29 December 2004, Wednesday

Screams from Angelina and yelps from Griz the dog awoke me this morning. I got up to find out what the fuss was all about. Griz had snatched a Rusk from my sister’s hand as she offered it to a Boo Bah on Cbeebies. It was eight fifteen. I got washed and dressed and was just about to sit down in front of the television when my mobile rang. It was my mischievous friend Jason Dwyer proposing that we and the other single man, Ed, go to Southampton and shop for the fancy dress outfits that we are going to wear to the Veranda Club on Friday night.

We are going as characters from Little Britain. I am going as Vicky Pollard. I found the wig in one of those shops that sell all sorts of obscure thing on the cheap. I got the Chavvy clothes in the Primark sale. Jason asked if he could have the track suit top after I had finished with it. He’s a bit of a Chav himself.

The day went really quickly and I have to say that I really enjoyed myself. I even forgot about Snowy for a while. But as soon as I was at home my mind started racing and when Dad offered everybody glasses of Sherry I helped myself to several glasses after that.

30 December 2004, Thursday

It was déjà vu for me this morning as at precisely the same time as yesterday, exactly the same thing happened. This time I just stayed in bed, even though I couldn’t get back to sleep.

Mum got me up at ten and asked me to baby sit Angelina while they went on an impromptu trip to the sales in Southampton. I couldn’t bear to hang around the house all day with her so I took her out for a drive in Mum and Dad’s car. She can’t come in mine because it is a two seater with dual airbags.

Where do you take a one and a quarter year old to entertain her? I took her to Auntie Cathy’s. Dean was out at work. He is a plumber. So at least the language was clean. We chatted over several cups of tea while I offloaded my troubled love life to her. She spouted several clichés to me. I expected her to do that. It was just nice to get some of that stuff off my chest.

I received a phone call from Mum at five o’clock, informing me that they were on the ferry and wanted to be picked up when the Red Jet arrived in Cowes so I strapped Angelina into her seat and picked the folks up as ordered. They were carrying an enormous quantity of bags. When we got home I was presented with some new pants and socks.

Exhausted, I spent the evening in my room finishing off the book I have been reading on the way to work. Adrian Mole and the Weapons of Mass Destruction. The book finishes with the comment (and I don’t quote) diaries are only written by unhappy people. In my case it is just a coincidence.

31 December 2004, Friday

We spent late morning (me, Ed, Jason Dwyer, Meat, Kylie, Kelly, Katie, Hannah, Rachel, Stevie Perry, Nathan Salter, Tom and Karl Sibley) getting pissed up and perfecting our outfits. Jason Ince looked brilliant as Dafydd - the only gay in the village. He said that he was being typecast. The girls were going to go as Girls Aloud but when Hannah came up with a Union Jack top they opted to go as the Spice Girls. They already had the ginger wig that they were going to use for Nicola from Girls Aloud. Rachel was Posh, Kylie was Sporty, Kelly was Baby, Katie was Ginger and, because she had the best fake tan, Hannah was Scary.

I won’t go through the Little Britain cast as I don’t know that character’s real names just the sketches they were in.

The evening began at Katie’s where we had a communal Chinese. I was talking to Jason Ince about my disastrous situation with Snowy and he kindly gave me his fortune cookie. I decided to save it for New Year. After the meal the New Year celebrations proper began at the Duke of York at six-thirty. At seven we moved on to the Anchor. At eight we arrived at the Pier View but they wouldn’t let us in as they already knew we were under age. So we went to the Vectis Tavern for an hour and then on to the Fountain and then the Union.

At ten we climbed in two taxis and headed for Ryde and The Veranda Club. The beautiful Lara Matthews had forged some fake ID cards for us. Her father acquired some top-of-the-range printer and some software that makes it very easy to forge such things. It is a shame she can’t forge some cash! Anyway the cards were good enough to get us in. Lara’s boyfriend, Stevie Perry handed them around on the way. The Veranda Club was packed and Snowy was there snogging some bloke. She didn’t waste any time! I had to prove to her that two could play at that game. A quite attractive and familiar looking older woman was showing me some interest on the dance floor so I hung around her and was soon enjoying some astonishingly good kisses.

1 January 2005, Saturday

Kisses were thing as midnight arrived. The most alarming of the meeting tongues were that of Ed’s and Meat. They must have been pissed or perhaps they are closet bisexuals?

The next thing I could remember was waking up busting for a piss, totally disorientated and feeling a little bit sick. I climbed out of bed and felt around for the door. I sort of realized that I was not at home and found the bathroom up a flight of stairs where I relieved myself. I gulped down several mouthfuls of water direct from the tap and went straight back to bed. I realized then that I was sharing the bed with someone but I was too out of it to care.

My sleeping companion woke me up at eight thirty with a cup of coffee.

‘You can stay there for a bit longer if you like.’ She said. ‘I’m going for a shower.’

I took up her offer but an hour later she offered the bathroom to me. I declined, as I had no clean clothes to change into. She then offered me breakfast and it was then that I discovered that I hadn’t shagged her. The taxi driver my friends had booked refused to allow me into the car last night because I was paralytic. The woman managed to persuade another cabby to take us home.

‘Home’ was a three story terraced house in lower Belle Vue Road. So I was in Cowes! I left at around half past eleven and walked home where I was greeted by a major bollocking.

‘You could have been lying dead in a gutter somewhere for all we knew!’ Mum whined.

After I had taken the ear bashing I was ready for a lie down and I took the time to write up this part of my diary.

New Year’s Resolutions

Leave home.

Make Snowy jealous enough to plead for me to go back to her.

Get used to the idea of relegation.

I listened to Southampton’s inevitable defeat at Manchester City, had my dinner and crashed out for a good night’s sleep.

2 January 2005, Sunday

There was an odd text on my phone this morning from a number that I don’t recognize.

THANX CHRIS X.

It must have been a wrong number!

Dad took me out to Whitecroft for our Sunday League game. Nathan Salter, who has a ridiculously large penis, has a new girlfriend. Jason Dwyer teased him by saying, ‘You obviously haven’t shagged her yet!’

‘Oh yeah!’ Said Nathan. ‘What makes you say that?’

‘Reverberation of my vocal chords makes the sounds and I move my tongue and lips to form the words!’

‘Ha ha very funny! I meant why did you say that I obviously haven’t shagged Mel yet?’

‘Well her eyes haven’t popped out of her head yet like your last girlfriend’s did!’

‘Yeah, well for your information we have done it actually.’

Jason whispered ‘Bucket crotch!’

Nathan said, ‘What did you say?’

‘She must have a very accommodating vagina, mate!’

During this conversation the rest of us were in stitches of laughter.

We won the game three-nil. The most memorable part of the game was when we got an injury time penalty and I was able to try something I have always wanted to try in a match. I, instead of shooting for goal in the conventional fashion passed it to my left. I had alerted Vernon to my plan and he was ready to fire the ball home.

Cathy and Dean joined us for lunch as did Nan and Grandad Brown. Cathy is going to go to Australia in a few months time, to visit Nan and Grandad Stenning who emigrated there a few months ago. She tried to persuade Mum to go with her. Mum reluctantly declined. I wouldn’t mind going for a short time. It would be better staying away from Saints games at the moment!

Talking of Saints it looks like Everton are going to sign my former hero James Beattie. Who the hell are Saints going to get with the money? I so hope that Harry Redknapp can pull off a miracle and save my team from the drop.

We watched the news this afternoon. One hundred and forty thousand people have died in the tsunami disaster! That is more than the population of the Isle of Wight.

I went to Ed’s for the rest of the day. We played with his lovely little sister Zoe, on her PlayStation 2 game Singstar. It is a karaoke game and she is a good singer. I had my first normal chat with her today. On previous occasions there has been an element of shy embarrassment but today we spoke easily about her stage lessons at Shanklin Theatre.

She told me that she performed at the pantomime this year. I told her that I went to the panto but didn’t see her. She was on a one-day-off/one-day-on rota and I watched one of the shows that she wasn’t in. I was disappointed not to have seen her perform. The panto ends tomorrow so I have decided to go and see it again.

3 January 2005, Monday

The last day of my holiday. I browsed the Isle of Wight County Press this morning looking for places to let. I found a studio apartment in East Cowes for seventy pounds a week and viewed it before lunch. The man wanted a month’s deposit. I asked Dad if he could lend me the deposit but he refused. He said that I wasn’t ready to leave home yet.

‘You can’t even cook!’ He said.

Before I left for the pantomime I sent my brother Spud an e-mail asking him to let me know if his house ever becomes available. I told him how desperate I was to leave home.

Ed came with me to Shanklin. Zoe looked great in her costumes and she danced superbly. Ed must have been proud of her because I was.

There was a collection for the Tsunami Disaster Appeal after the show. We waited for Zoe by the stage door. The woman I was with on New Year came past us. She said, ‘Hello stranger!’

I said, ‘Hello! How are you?’

‘Fine yeah, fine. I never got to give you my number did I?’

‘No! Drunken haze and all that!’

Zoe alighted from the stage door at this point. The woman scribbled something down on her pantomime ticket and said, ‘Call me!’ as she rushed through the stage door.

The note on the ticket said Chrissie and had her phone number next to it.

We listened to the sports reports on the way home. It was disastrous for Saints. Crystal Palace beat Aston Villa. Now Saints have to win on Wednesday against Fulham but even if we do we will still be in the relegation zone!

When I got home I entered Chrissie’s number into my phone and her name suddenly appeared against that mystery text I received on Sunday. So that’s one piece of the jigsaw found!

There was a minute’s silence at the West Bromwich Albion versus Newcastle United game for the tsunami victims. The Newcastle supporters observed it perfectly. So it was the Toon Army respecting the victims of the tsunami!

11.27pm I have just realized who Chrissie is!!! She is the woman we wrongly suspected Spud was shagging last year. Christine! She must have had a makeover or something she looks fantastic now!!!

Does this mean that I might soon become a toy boy? I hope so! I could really do with a shag right now!

4 January 2005, Tuesday

It was a weary return to work this morning. The two awkward jobs that I had left since before Christmas were wanted out today and I struggled all day to get my head around them. My two tablemates are Grant and Petra. Grant has to go onto shift work as from next week and when Gerry called me into his office I dreaded that I was heading for a similar fate. Fortunately, though, my Isle of Wight residence makes me a last resort for shift work.

I jumped with joy, though this morning when I heard on The Saint radio station that Jamie Redknapp had signed for Southampton. He is a quality player if he can stay fit. The news was tempered, though by the news that James Beattie had signed for Everton. So that was one James in and one James out.

What will Pitbull be calling his son now?

Dad napped on the train and the ferry on the way home. We stayed in and watched the Manchester United versus Tottenham Hotspur game. Right near the end Spurs managed to get the ball a yard over the goal line, thanks to a major error by the United goalkeeper. But different rules apply to Manchester United when they play at home and aren’t winning. The officials let the goalkeeper off his mistake and didn’t count the goal.

I got a reply from Spud

Alright Fella

Sorry I can’t help you. My tenants have just signed a new contract that will keep them in Albert Street for the next six months at least.

Good luck. Love to everyone

Spud and Annie.

I was hoping he might put up my deposit!

Shit!

5 January 2005, Wednesday

12:05 pm I just finished observing three minutes silence, along with the rest of Europe, in memory of the victims of the tsunami disaster. The first minute was spent listening to the twelve bongs from Big Ben so it was really only a two-minute’s silence.

The rest of the working day passed slowly at work. It always does when I am looking forward to an evening game.

Dad and me picked up some chicken and egg fried rice from the Chinese takeaway in Woolston and took it to the Dell Supporter’s Club. I was wearing the Saints shirt that I got printed at our home victory against Portsmouth in November. It has RELEGATED and the number 05 on the back. A fat bloke with a pronounced squint called me over to him and said, ‘You really know how to get behind your team don’t you?’

I replied, ‘I am behind them but unfortunately so are their days in the Premiership. Unless you have any evidence to prove me wrong.’

The bloke just glowered at me and mumbled something about me being a Pompey fan. I removed my shirt to prevent any further grief.

The Saint radio station DJ, Ben Shoveller did a quiz. There was a bloke behind us moaning about the quiz and saying that all they wanted to hear from Ben was the team list. A few moments later I noticed that he was writing in answers on the quiz sheet. I hate people like that!

Saints were playing Fulham. It was a game we needed to win to keep in touch with the teams just outside of the relegation zone. Despite one of our best attacking performances our defense was as terrible as usual and a very entertaining match ended up as a three-all draw. Both Dad and I hardly spoke on the way home. There is an air of doom. Relegation has been the word on our minds all season but you always live in hope that something will happen to change that fate but I think that it is our turn this season. I feel like crying. If/when we go down, all of our best players will leave. I just hope that Harry Redknapp stays.

The tsunami death toll now stands at one hundred and fifty thousand. That is our stadium’s capacity multiplied by five.

6 January 2005, Thursday

1:00am I can’t get off to sleep for thinking about Saints playing in the Coca-Cola Championship next season.

There was a report on the news that Ellen MacArthur has badly burned her arm in her attempt to break the sailing around the world single handedly, record. I suppose she really will be single-handed now she has fried one of her arms!

Darren the plate maker, who is known as Jackanory because of the way he is always spinning out a yarn, cornered me today about the game last night. He is a Pompey fan but claims he is not interested in football. He says that used to be a Pompey thug but would rather spend his time fishing. He told me that Saints were going down. I said that I told him that months ago when he was assuring me that we would be okay. He said that we didn’t have nearly enough points to stay up. I told him that I told him that at the end of October. I got away from him after about twenty minutes. He is one of the reasons I don’t usually bother going to the snack van. He lies in wait, ready to snare anybody that doesn’t want to hear his opinions on life.

Aggravating!

This evening I went around to see Lara on her seventeenth birthday. We don’t see so much of her since she had her baby. Little Mary-Rose (was she named after a wreck?) was born on October the twenty-forth. Lara is embarrassed that she didn’t know who the father was. The two candidates, Stevie and Corben were also at Lara’s house along with Ed, Tom, Karl, Kelly, Rachel, Meat and Kylie.

I am so relieved that I am not in the frame as I did have a one-night stand with her early last year.

She revealed that results of the DNA test when we were all there. It showed Stevie to be the Dad. He was absolutely delighted with the news. As were we all. They all seem to be a very happy little family. Stevie wants to get a flat once he has got a proper job as a chef. Lara is continuing with her hair and beauty career with the support of her parents.

I went home for nine o’clock and watched the first episode of Celebrity Big Brother.

7 January 2005, Friday

At work today, Petra told us that a new Pizza Hut has opened up nearby so a few of us went there for a Buffet Lunch. Last year we used to spend five pounds and ninety-five pence on a sausage baguette and another two pounds twenty on a pint of Diet Coke. Now for the same price its unlimited food and Diet Pepsi. I was stuffed for less than a tenner. I didn’t need anymore food for the rest of the day.

This evening Ed, Jason and me went to the Union where we met up with Tom and Karl. After an hour or so we decided to move on to the Fountain where we met up with Vernon and his new girlfriend, Lara’s friend Rachel.

While I was watching Vernon play on a online game (ironic for somebody that runs an internet café) I received a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and Christine was beaming at me.

‘Hello stranger!’ She said.

‘Hello. How are you?’ I said.

‘I’m fine. My husband has moved back in for a trial period. To give it one last go. We’re down here celebrating. I just thought I’d pop over and say hello while he is in

the loo.’

So there goes another chance of a shag for me!

8 January 2005, Saturday

1:38 pm I woke up this morning with a churning tummy and no appetite. I struggled on for the morning as I took Griz to the vet for his booster injection. I was waiting in there for thirty-five minutes before I eventually got to see a vet. That was a minute for every pound of the bill!

By the time I had got the dog home and bathed him my joints were beginning to ache. I settled down on the settee after taking some paracetamols, and watched the FA Cup for the afternoon. I was wearing two fleeces and I turned the heating up but I was still cold.

I listened to Saints beat Northampton Town. It was lovely to listen to a victory without the stress of worrying about any last minute let downs.

I didn’t bother going out tonight as I still felt a bit poorly.

My stomach was rumbling so badly in the evening that I didn’t know if it was a bug or whether it was howling for food. Mum suggested I tried some dry toast so I had a couple of slices and went to bed.

9 January 2005, Sunday

I felt a lot better this morning but I still didn’t have much of an appetite. I had a light breakfast. I phoned Pitbull and cried off the football match. Dad went off to play. I expect he was relishing the chance of a run out.

Dad returned just before lunch. He did play but we lost one-nil.

Nan and Grandad arrived, as usual, just before Mum served up. They were in one of their lovey-dovey moods again. I ate the roast dinner all right but after I had consumed the cherry pie and custard I started feeling rough again.

Mum had a moan to her parents about being christened Alison because having the initial A means that she is a constant victim of ‘pocket phone calls’. When people leave their phoned unlocked in their pocket, their keys open up the phone directory and Mum is usually the first A in the list.

Grandad said, ‘I suppose we could have called you Xanthi!’ That shut her up.

I watched a video of last night’s Celebrity Big Brother with Mum, Dad and Angelina this afternoon, after my grandparents had left. I have made the following conclusions on the housemates... Brigitte Nielson - Big loud woman. Lisa I’Anson - Big attitude woman. John McCrirrick - Big big nutter. Caprice - Big crumpet. Germaine Greer - Big who is she? Bez - Big slurrer. Jeremy Edwards - Big ex of Rachel Stevens. Kenzie - Big Blazing Squad member (forty-second from the left on their CD cover).

I was listening to him speak. He seems to end every sentence with the phrase ‘nah ah mean!’ Are we youths supposed to speak like that? Maybe I should give it a go, innit?

I browsed the To Let column in the County Press while Big Brother was on. There was one that only wanted a week’s deposit so I struggled along for a viewing this evening.

The room was very nice. It was fully self contained, with cooker, fridge and an en suit shower. The problem was that there was a strict nine o’clock curfew. I was really disappointed when the landlord told me about it. It was, otherwise, perfect.

I went to bed when I got home, exhausted.

10 January 2005, Monday

9:00 am Dad explained to me, on the way to work, that Germaine Greer is the reason that Mum never listens to a word he says. She wrote a book called The Female Eunuch. It has inspired women to do away with the obey part of their marriage vow. I suggested that it was about time somebody wrote a book called The Male Eunuch.

Dad said, ‘A male eunuch is a bloke with no balls and that covers most of the male species. That’s what your mother always says anyway!’

12:20 pm I have just heard on the radio that Chris Evans is going to be presenting The Brit Awards. Kate Thornton is presenting all the preview shows. She must be the new Davina McCall. She is on everything now! She was even in Shrek 2!

1:30 pm Saints have been drawn at home to Pompey in the FA Cup! Unbelievable! We just can’t get away from them.

3:30 pm The big boss man from up north has just visited. Ken Diamond brought an American bloke around to show off the facilities here. I was a bit nervous when Gerry introduced me to them but they were both quite charming. Even if they did call Fareham - Fare-ham.

Tonight Ed, Karl, Meat, Jason D, Jason I, Vernon, Rachel, Kylie, Kelly, Katie, Hannah, Stevie, Lara, Nathan and his new bird went to the Veranda Club for Tom’s eighteenth birthday celebration. When we arrived the doorman recognized Tom from New Year’s Eve and quizzed him about how he got in while being under age. Tom told the man that he was so busy arguing about whether a suit could really be regarded as being fancy dress that he forgot to check Tom’s ID. The fellow swallowed the story and we got in.

It was nice to see Lara out enjoying herself but she didn’t stop smooching with Stevie all evening. They are totally loved up. I am envious of them. That should have been Snowy and me. Talking of which...she was there as well with her new boyfriend. We didn’t speak.

I still had a good time but failed to pull. I can feel my virginity returning!

11 January 2005, Tuesday

2:45 am I have just got home. I had a great time despite not pulling. How am I going to do a day’s work today?

9:00 am I don’t know how I managed to get up for work this morning! I got turfed out of bed at six. I am still pissed. I hope Gerry doesn’t notice

11:00 am I am on the train, on my way home. Dad told Gerry that I was not very well but still struggled in, so Gerry took pity and sent me home.

1:00 pm I am in my bed ready for sleep. Wonderful!

1:30 pm I am up again. Angelina won’t let me sleep! She keeps coming in and talking in her toddler language to me about what her Boohbahs have been doing.

3:00 pm I sat and watched a recording of last night Celebrity Big Brother with Mum and Angelina. At the end of the programme they introduced a new housemate. Jackie Stallone (mother of Sylvester Stallone the movie star) swanned through the door wearing sunglasses, much to the shock of her former daughter-in-law Brigitte Nielson. When she took her sunglasses off, Angelina screamed and ran to mum. She buried her face in Mum’s lap as she bawled.

The cosmetic surgery the woman has obviously had has not worked. Unless she intended to look as absurd as possible.

4:00 pm Had dinner with Mum and Angelina.

6:40 pm Dad arrived home.

7:30 pm Settled down in front of the television with Dad to watch the Livepool versus Watford Carling Cup Semi-final first leg.

10:00 pm I was woken up by Dad and told to go to bed. Liverpool had won one-nil.

12 January 2005, Wednesday

I thought about skiving off today but it was only a passing notion. I left with Dad, as usual, at seven.

Dad and I left work a bit earlier than usual to enable us to attend a blood donation at Northwood House.

While we were waiting, some idiot bloke came up to me and chortled, ‘Looking forward to playing West Ham next season?’

I looked at him wondering what the hell he was on about. He pointed to himself and said, ‘Pompey!’

I did well. I didn’t bite. All I said was, ‘I know. We are all used to the idea now!’

He said. ‘We’re the top team on the south coast now!’

I said, almost showing my anger, ‘Yes that’s right! But things always turn around in football.’

‘They won’t do for you as long as Redknapp is in charge. He nearly ruined us!’

That was the end of his pestering but I couldn’t help thinking that if that bloke’s idea of being nearly ruined is being turned into a safe mid table Premiership team, I’ll settle for that.

I went around to Ed’s this evening to watch the Chelsea versus Manchester United Carling Cup semi-final with him. During the one-all draw Ed told me that he has heard a rumor that Meat and Kylie are having a double wedding with Lara and Stevie! Why?

Before I left, Ed gave me a prototype solar powered pack for my laptop that he has made with one of his electronic kits. He said that if it works okay he is going to flog them on eBay. The drawback is that they only work in direct sunlight. So winter is not the best time to test something like that.

It is the same size as my laptop and fits into the case so I will take it with me and try it out the next time we get some sunlight.

13 January 2005, Thursday

When I arrive at work there is always a nice cup of tea waiting for me on my desk, made dutifully by Petra. By the time I get in I am desperate for a nice hot cupper so it was most welcome. The next half an hour is usually spent reading e-mails and faffing around with files on my desktop. Today though I was so busy that I had to get straight to it as soon as I sat down. It was the same for the rest of the day. I didn’t even have a lunch break. By the end of the day I was knackered and I fell asleep on the train and would have missed Woolston Station if Dad hadn’t given me a nudge.

I stayed in and vegged out in front of the television tonight. I can’t wait for tomorrow so I can look in the County Press for somewhere else to live.

14 January 2005, Friday

I browsed the County Press, rather awkwardly considering its size, on the train. There was one advert that sounded interesting so I phoned the number advertised when I got to work.

It was for a room in a family house with all mod cons at ninety pounds per week. A man answered and I have arranged to view the room on Sunday afternoon. The good thing is that he only wants one week’s deposit. The house is in Belle Vue Road. I think it is quite close to Christine’s house.

It was busy, again at work but I did get a lunch break. I went to Pizza Hut with Petra. We had a buffet lunch and I asked for ice cream afterwards but the waitress forgot to charge me. We got back to work ten minutes late due to the fact that we all had to queue for ten minutes because they ran out of pizza. I made up the time though because I had to work an extra half an hour to get all my jobs out on time.

Also the bright sunshine we had today enabled me to test out the solar power supply Ed gave me for my laptop. It works but only when the sun is shining on it directly.

I didn’t bother going straight home when I got back to the Island. Dad took my bag home and I met up with the lads (and lasses) at the Union. Meat and Kylie were there. The rumor about the joint wedding was not quite true. They had only discussed the idea in passing and as they haven’t even decided on a date yet, it is a long way off. It’s funny how things get blown out of proportion when people start gossiping.

I had three pints during the evening. None of the bar staff said anything! I was quite merry by the time I crashed out on my bed at midnight.

15 January 2005, Saturday

Yesterday’s sunshine was replaced by drizzle today. I was sent on an errand this morning. The old television, that has been occupying space in Angelina’s room for well over a year now, has been given its marching orders. It works well enough but the remote control is a bit bashed up. Its last chance was the Oxfam shop but they don’t take electrical goods. I couldn’t get a parking space outside the Cancer Research shop so I had to take it to the dump where a grateful refuse man moved it to where they keep electrical goods that are in perfect working order. I expect I will see it at a car boot sale in the spring.

When I got home I watched the Liverpool versus Manchester United game on Sky which preceded the rest of the Premiership program for the day. Angelina had her nap on me for the whole of the three till five time period. I was feeling optimistic that Saints could get at least a point at Newcastle, even when we went two-nil down and had pulled one back just before half time. We had the whole of the second half to try and get an equalizer. But it never came. We also ended the game with our two best players injured. Our top goal scorer, Kevin Phillips and our goalkeeper Antti Niemi. The only luck we got was that the other relegation threatened sides also lost. Pompey lost at home to Blackburn. I expect they did that on purpose just to help Blackburn out of trouble and keep us with fewer teams to catch up on. We have got Liverpool at St Mary’s next week. We need to win. I doubt we will. I have been paying special attention to the Coca-Cola Championship recently. I need to know as much as possible about that league if we are going to be playing in it next season.

I didn’t feel as miserable as usual after a Saints defeat tonight and I met up with the lads at the Union. There was talk about going out to the Veranda but we just stayed there drinking and playing darts. It was a pleasant evening.

16 January 2005, Sunday

Dad and I traveled together to Cowes Park Rangers’ home Sunday League Division Two game against Knighton (pronounced K - Nighton to save getting confused with another island village that is called Niton) this morning. Dad was telling me that he was seriously considering giving up playing. He said that he has always been frustrated that he has never been able to communicate his considerable football knowledge to his feet.

‘It’s like living with a disability. I know what I want to do with the ball but my feet won’t allow me to do it. It’s like trying to control a remote control car while holding the controller upside down.’

‘I’ve seen you do some good things!’ I assured him.

‘Yes but the effort I put in to one event of skill is the same that you put into a whole game.’

I felt great sympathy for him. He said that the fact that I was so good at the game cushioned the blow in his mind.

It was a bad thing for me, though, turning up for the match and discovering that I had a new strike partner. Dave Owen plays on Saturdays for top Island team East Cowes Vics. He is also Snowy’s new boyfriend. He scored a goal in the first half, after my shot had been parried onto the post by the goalkeeper. He didn’t pass to me once and Pitbull didn’t help when he told me to get myself into the game during our half time team talk.

For the first ten minutes of the second half I did just that. Vernon pushed up into midfield and I just played some nice little one touch moves with him. One of these little combination of passes resulted in our and Dave’s second goal when Nathan was put through and was brought down, Dave insisted on taking the penalty. After he had slotted it home I went over to congratulate him and he said, ‘You are supposed to pass to your strike partner you know?’

‘Yes YOU are aren’t YOU?’ I replied.

I did scored our third from a ball that originated from Dave. He crossed the ball to the near post, he even called ‘Nathan’ as he delivered it. But Nathan’s attempt at goal ended up being a flick on for me.

That was the time that Pitbull decided to give the substitutes a run and on trotted Dad. Dave just stood with his mate snickering at Dad’s awkward play. I was cringing and really feeling for Dad who was obviously suffering. Vernon and Stevie were trying their best to play him in as much as possible but they kept hitting their passes for him to run on to and his old legs just didn’t have the pace.

But there was a happy ending just after Snowy turned up and gave me a lovely friendly smile and a wave, which was coupled by an intimidating leer from Dave. Our goalkeeper Bob Murphy rolled the ball to Nathan Salter who played Vernon Chandler in down the left flank. Vernon looped in a cross from the left touchline that was probably meant for Karl Sibley who was arriving at pace at the far post. Dad just casually nodded the ball in. He looked as though he was going to jump up and celebrate but Karl jumped on his shoulders. Snowy cheered and shouted, ‘Great goal Kev!’ as she jumped up and down clapping her hands. Dave clapped as well but also passed me a scowl.

Dad told me in the car on the way home, that it was a fine moment to finish his playing career on. So we have both played out last games for Cowes Park Rangers.

Cathy and Dean and Nan and Grandad joined us for lunch. I told them, while Mum and Dad washed up that I was viewing a room this afternoon. I haven’t told them yet. Dean said, ‘F***in’ what do you wanna leave here for? F***in’ you’ve got it easy here! F***in’ wish I could live ‘ere!’

Cathy said, ‘Independence, Dean. I know just how Troy feels. I can’t stay too long in the same place!’ She then whispered in my ear, ‘Or with the same man!’

When Dean went to the loo Cathy, told me that she is delaying her trip to Australia to give Dean time to go off her and to give her more time to plan her journey.

‘Why don’t you just dump him?’ I asked.

‘Two reasons! Sex! And it’s easier on the bloke if they think that they had the idea of ending a relationship. You don’t get them keeping on sniffing around afterwards.’

‘I didn’t sniff around Snowy when we split up!’ I said.

She just raised her eyebrows, pouted her lips and said, ‘You’ve got a lot to learn about women, Troy Brown!’

I went around to view the room at three. It looked like Christine’s house but a burly black man answered. His name was Neville. He told me that he works a fortnightly shift at Southampton docks as an engineer. He starts two weeks of nights tomorrow and wanted to sort out the tenancy on the room ASAP.

‘If you want it you can have it. Just hand over ninety notes and you can move in whenever you like.’

I had drawn out ninety quid, just in case, so I did as he asked and went home to pack. Fortunately the house was empty so I quickly piled my few belongings into the car, wrote a farewell note and moved them into my new room. Neville helped me get my stuff in from the car and showed me how to use the television. It has a Sky link digi-box! He said I have to pay an extra ten pounds a week if I want to use it. I agreed. Even though I knew it was only costing him an extra ten pounds a month! It made me feel very much at home. He then handed me two keys, one for the front door and one for my room. This is superb! He then showed me around the rest of the house. That is the parts of the house I have joint use of, the bathroom and the kitchen. He also showed me the conservatory, the washing machine and the back garden. He said I can have mates around. ‘Just don’t take the piss and make a lot of noises if they stay the night. If you know what I mean!’

He then left me in the house on my own. I went to my room and watched Sky. It felt fantastic!

I nipped down the road in the evening to get a Chinese meal. Neville knocked on my door while I was eating it to see if I was settling in all right. I told him that I was very much so thank you very much! I didn’t want any further interference while I settled in so I turned my mobile off, after texting Dad, MOVED IN. ITS REALLY NICE. LUV 2 MUM. C U 2MORRO. THANX 4 EVERYTHING. TROY XXX.

I settled down, after a shower, in bed to watch the Real Madrid game.

17 January 2005, Monday

No problem getting up this morning. It was strange preparing my breakfast in an empty house. This house is definitely the same house that I spent the night with Christine in. I wonder where she’s gone! Maybe she’s moved out! I must be being used to subsidize the mortgage.

I met Dad at the Red Jet terminal. He wasn’t best pleased.

‘You’re mother is totally gutted! How could you do this to her? To us? What did we do to deserve that? We brought you up for seventeen years and did the best we could for you. Don’t you think we deserved a proper goodbye?’

‘Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t realize!’

‘You can be very thoughtless sometimes, Troy! I hope you are going to drop by and see your mother before you go home tonight.’

‘Yes, of course I will!’

He moaned about it all day! I accompanied him home and Mum was very moody with me. I had to go through the same routine as I had done with Dad. It went on and on until I cracked. ‘This is one of the reasons I left! You just won’t give me a break! I am grown up now! I can make my own decisions and I have decided to leave home!’

With that Mum ran to her bedroom crying.

‘You cruel bastard!’ Dad snarled.

‘I’d better go before things get worse!’

‘You are not leaving this house until you apologize to your mother, properly!’

I went to see her in her bedroom and said sorry. She gave me a hug. ‘Its hard to get used to the idea that you’ve grown up now! - My baby’s grown up!’

‘I can understand that, anyway I’d better get going I’ve got to cook my dinner.’

‘You can have it here if you like!’

‘No I’d better go, thanks.’

‘You are not leaving this house until you have apologized to your father.’

So I kissed her and went to find Dad to apologize to him.

‘That’s alright son.’ He said with a hug. ‘You’ve got to spread your wings! Just don’t be a stranger, eh?’

At last I was able to leave! What a load off fuss over nothing!

The house was empty when I got home. I made myself a Pot Noodle for dinner. Then I had a shower after which I went to the Union and got pissed with the lads. It was a great laugh.

18 January 2005, Tuesday

2:17 am I got up for a pee and had the fright of my life when I bumped into a little black girl who was wearing a red Chinese style pajama suit and pigtails. She screamed the house down. Her mother soon arrived on the scene brandishing some hair straighteners (god knows what she was hoping to do with them. Straighten me into unconsciousness?). She switched the light on and soon calmed down. It was Christine.

‘Its alright Fee.’ She said as the little girl threw herself into Christine’s embrace. ‘This is Troy - the new lodger?’

‘Yes I am the new lodger.’ I