Connecting in our Relationship. Learning from our Canine Friends

Connecting in our Relationship

Learning from our Canine Friends

Geoff Herridge

If you...

start each day without caffeine, ready to greet the world,

get going without pep pills,

always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,

resist complaining & boring people with your troubles,

eat the same food everyday & be grateful for it,

understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

overlook it when those you love take it out on you when through no fault

of yours, something is wrong,

take criticism & blame without resentment,

ignore a friend's limited education & never correct them,

resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

face the world without lies & deceit,

conquer tension without medical help,

relax without alcohol,

sleep without the aid of drugs,

say that, deep in your heart, you have no prejudice of any kind,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

(unknown author)

Connecting in our Relationship

Learning from our Canine Friends

Geoff Herridge

Copyright ©2015 by Geoff Herridge

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted, in any form or be any means, without permission. Any person who does any unauthorised act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favourite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Dedication

This book is dedicated to my gorgeous wife Wendy, and our three wonderful children – Daniel, Matthew and Charlotte.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Understanding our Partner and our Relationship

Chapter 2 - Best Friends

Chapter 3 - Making and Feeling the Connection

Chapter 4 - Structure in Our Relationship

Chapter 5 - The Simple Life

Chapter 6 - Loyalty

Chapter 7 - Forgiveness

Chapter 8 - Using Our Instinct

Chapter 9 - Our Five Senses

Chapter 10 - Independence

Chapter 11 - Play

Chapter 12 - Trust

Chapter 13 - Communication

Chapter 14 - Living in the Present

Chapter 15 - Social Intelligence and Understanding

About the Author

Introduction

Dogs have been known as man's best friend for many years. A dog’s love, companionship and loyalty do not waver through its relationship with us. They do not have days where they do not want to have anything to do with us, loose respect or pick up any mistakes and faults that may have occurred on that day. Dogs are required to keep their relationship with us in good working order. It takes effort, work and some understanding by dogs to achieve an appropriate level of domestic behaviour. They wish to please their owner and they come to understand what standards are required to achieve this level of relationship.

Dogs don't see a broken arm or a missing leg or a scar and do not make judgments about people based on looks or level of wealth. They don't expect anything from us except unconditional love, and they respond accordingly. If a dog becomes lazy and rebels against any reasonable behavioural expectations it has learnt, then its owner may tire of this and possibly trade it in as unmanageable.

Many relationships head down this same path and partners are traded in for someone else who appears to offer something better. We all enter into relationships full of promise and hope – ‘till death us do part’ is the classic wedding phrase encompassing the idea that our relationship will last a lifetime. It takes commitment to keep a relationship at the level of contentment that both partners enjoy.

While humans are more complicated, sophisticated, and emotional than dogs, the behavioural characteristics of a dog’s life can parallel with our own lives. They can provide a very positive guide for us to use in both our own personal development as well as within our personal relationships. Characteristics discussed in this book include trust, loyalty, living in the present, using the five senses, the simple life, play, and making and feeling the connection.

Blending the ideas from this book into our behaviour will also assist us to become socially skilled and adaptable. Our relationship with people in general and more specifically our partner becomes easier as we reduce the possibility of conflict, negativity and stress. Our interactions are far more positive; a behaviour which feeds on itself and becomes self-fulfilling as we take the initiative wherever possible in confidently connecting with our partner.

Understanding our partner and our relationship will provide us we have a better chance of tuning into them as a unique individual and accepting them for what they are. Through this we are able to connect with our partner. This shared connection means there is more likely to be cooperation in our relationship as we both feel positive and affectionate towards each other. Cooperation will lead to both of us heading in the same direction.

As the ideas presented in this book become part of our sub conscious, our interactions in a socially intelligent way will become automatic. We can think appropriately on our feet, rather than having to constantly check ourselves or, at worst, apologise regularly for our actions. Connecting with our partner becomes natural, and it will bring an increased joy to us and the people we associate with. If this book achieves its purpose, we can thank our little canine friends who have (inadvertently) charted a course for us to follow.

If fortune drives the master forth an outcast in the world, friendless and homeless, the faithful dog asks no higher privilege than that of accompanying him to guard against danger to fight his enemies; and when the last scene of all comes, and death takes the master in its' embrace, and his body is laid away in the cold ground, no matter if all other friends pursue their way, there by the graveside will the noble dog be found, his head between his paws, his eyes sad, but open in watchfulness, faithful and true even in death (unknown author)

Chapter 1

Understanding our partner and our relationship

Learning and understanding about our dog's personality and how it determines its actions is an important part of being a dog owner – if we can ‘speak’ their language then there is greater chance it will learn to understand us. Like us, dogs also have their own individual personalities and idiosyncrasies, and these determine how our dog will react to various situations throughout the day.

Dogs can also be characterised under specific basic personality types, however they may also include other traits, or in some cases may exhibit something entirely individual to the dog itself. Dogs are therefore very much unique and individual. Typical personality types can include the curious dog who may always be digging or seeking new adventures; the aggressive dog who provides security for its owner but is not comfortable around strangers and other dogs; the friendly dog who likes everyone and every dog and is very social; the shy dog who can be a social recluse and difficult to train; and the nervous dog who hides under the table but may react with aggressive behaviour when threatened. Where we learn through listening and observation, dogs learn through actions as they are experts at body language for communication. It can be relatively easy for us to detect quickly which of the above character types apply to dogs we come across.

Similar to human relationships, the secret to understanding our dog is to play, interact and spend time with them. Importantly we learn to understand that they live in the present and don’t understand the past. If they chew our slippers while we are out of the room, they won’t understand when we become angry with them ten minutes later. Dogs are the only animal species that will look to and take direction from another species (humans) as if they were one of their own, hence the close relationship we have with dogs.

As a pack animal a dog is a social creature, and will act with us as they would with a pack of other dogs. Like children, dogs are motivated by what attracts our attention, although they often don’t differentiate between positive or negative attention, and will often repeat certain behaviours to maintain that attention. They will also often play up if they are feeling needy, unappreciated or do not have our attention. However as a pack animal they will also want someone that they can look to for leadership and protection – with domesticated dogs we fill that role.

Dogs are therefore quite similar to humans in a number of ways. Perhaps that is one reason some people treat their dog like a human. A responsible owner who wants to gain the most enjoyment out of their dog will take the time to learn, understand and respect their dog and the relationship they have with it. Learning about and understanding our relationship with our partner is no different. While we are more complex than dogs there should be, in theory, less guess work in understanding our partner and relationship as we have more sophisticated and mature communication methods (listening, speaking, understanding etc) at our disposal. These contribute to our knowledge base, so the time spent with our partner can be one of learning as much as one of day-to-day interaction.

A dog is not almost human and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such. ~John Holmes

It is a rare and beautiful thing to be completely understood by another - PK Shaw

In most cases we enter a relationship because we are seeking to spend the rest of our lives together and therefore have this common purpose. However we need to recognise that our partner may have different emotional and physical needs and goals to ours. Our partner may also probably respond differently to changes and difficult times (such as children, moving house or city). Men particularly place more emphasis on independence whereas women tend to favour greater social interaction.

These differences only pose a problem in a relationship if they are not recognised, appreciated and accommodated. They can become a real sticking point in a relationship and we have all heard the cry ‘he/she just doesn’t understand me’. I have heard people say that they know how to push their partner's patience to the limit, almost to the point where they seem to enjoy obtaining a reaction – ‘he/she knows which buttons to push to get me upset’. There should be no surprises when women become ‘emotional’ and men complain that they can’t understand women. It becomes a vicious circle and can be very destructive in the long term.

Unmet demands and assumptions can be carried in relationships to the point that we don’t seem to understand our partner and disappointment with the whole relationship arises. This is particularly the case where our demands are perhaps unrealistic – where we look for the perfect partner while also expecting our partner to know what we want even when we are not sure ourselves. Having a more realistic understanding of our partner and what our relationship can bring to both of us will go a long way to providing the intimacy and confidence that is essential, while also allowing for that degree of independence that signifies that we are not dependent on our partner for all our needs.

We can start by listening (not just hearing) to our partner with interest, and without assumptions and a wish to impose our own agenda or solutions. Failure to listen provides the message that perhaps our partner is not so important and we don’t really need or want to understand them. Listening well does not take any more time than listening badly.

Listening furthers our ability to understand our partner, as it is then easier to place ourselves in their shoes and view or consider the world from a different angle. It builds confidence as we are indicating