200 Jokes, Funny Facts, Etc.:Book Three

Book Three Contents

10 Animal Jokes

10 Bar Room Jokes

10 Blonde Jokes

15 Doctor Jokes

10 Farmer Jokes

10 Golf Jokes

10 Heaven or Hell Jokes

10 Inspirational Items

15 Little Johnny Jokes

20 Man to Man Jokes

20 Man vs Woman Jokes

20 Misc Jokes

15 Senior Citizen Jokes

15 Surprise Ending Jokes

10 Work Place Jokes

More Humor

Animal Jokes Contents

A Real Polar Bear

Beware of Parrot

Crossed Eyed Dog

Ducks and Elephants

Grasshopper

Is The Cat There

Missionary Meets Lion

Out for the Evening

Singing Christmas Parrot

The Bear Family

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Am I A Real Polar Bear?

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, Mom am I a real polar bear? Of course you are. His mother replied.

The young polar bear asked his father. Dad, am I a real polar bear? Yes, you are a real polar bear. His father replied.

A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears? Yes said his parents.

Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, Are all my relatives real polar bears? Yes, they are all real polar bears. Said his parents.

Why do you ask? replied his mother. Because, said the young polar bear, "I'm f**king freezing!

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Beware of Parrot

This postman is working on a new beat. He comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch. He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. He opens the gate and walks into the garden.

He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, the parrot calls out: REX, ATTACK!

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Crossed Eyed Dog

A man takes his dog to the vet. My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

Well, says the vet, let’s take a look at him. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I’m going to have to put him down.

What? Because he is cross-eyed?

No, because he’s really heavy.

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Ducks and Elephants

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out burning ducks.

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Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bar tender turns to the grasshopper and says, Hey, you know we have a drink named after you?

The grasshopper responds, Why in the world would you have a drink named Bob?

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Is the Cat There?

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: Jen, is the cat there?

Yes, the wife answers, why do you ask?

Frustrated, the man answered, Put him on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!

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Missionary Meets Lion

A missionary met a lion as he was walking from one village to another. The missionary fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands. Nothing seemed to be happening; the lion was silent. The missionary peeped through his fingers and saw the lion on its knees, with his face buried in his paws.

The missionary in a trembling voice, I am praying to be delivered from the jaws of death. But what on earth are you doing?

The lion growled, I’m saying grace.

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Out for the Evening

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

Sorry I took so long, he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

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Singing Christmas Parrot

There was a man who wanted to find the perfect gift for his wife. He went to the pet store and asked the sales clerk what he should get his wife. The sales clerk brought out a parrot named Chet, and said, this is no ordinary parrot, if you light a match under Chet's right foot, he sings Silent Night, if you light a match under Chet's left foot, he sings Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

The man thought it would be great, so he took it home. Since it was a living thing, he let his wife open it early. He told her what great songs the parrot sang. They wondered what it would sing if they lit a match under the parrot's crotch. So, they did, and the parrot sang Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire.

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The Bear Family

Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly.

OK, said the judge, then you want to live with your mother, right?

No way! replied baby bear, She beats me worse than Papa bear does.

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with? asked the judge.

Yes, answered baby bear, my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.

You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you? asked the judge.

Definitely, said baby bear, the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.

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Bar Room Jokes Contents

Alligator Mouth

Bar Room Ballerina

Cheap Drinks

Horse's Ass

Lion Fan

Obnoxious Drunk

Six Double Vodkas

The Professional Gambler

Totally Hammered

Unfaithful Wives

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Alligator Mouth

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

I'll pay anyone one hundred dollars who's willing to give it a! try. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A buxom young blonde woman timidly spoke up. I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

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Bar Room Ballerina

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a pub in England. She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink!

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink!

The bartender approached the drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?

The drunk replied, Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.

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Cheap Drinks

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender charges him 15 cents. Confused but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while, he decides to have another beer and some food, so he orders another beer and steak. The bartender charges him 50 cents, 15 for the beer and 35 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the bartender over and says, Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him.

No problem, says the bartender. He's upstairs with my wife.

What's he doing upstairs with your wife? asks the man.

Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!

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