No Problem: The Upside of Saying No

No Problem

The Upside of Saying No

By

Liesel Teversham

A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

– Mahatma Gandhi

Published by

Kima Books

Denmark,

Copyright Liesel Teversham 2013

ISBN: 978-87-93886-030-8

Publisher web site

Author’s web site

With the exception of small passages quoted for review purposes, this edition may not be reproduced, translated, adapted, copied, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or through any means including mechanical, photocopying or otherwise without the permission of the publisher.

Table of Contents

Introduction

Principles this Book is built around

Byron Katie

Honesty

The Enneagram

Rider, Elephant and Path

The Rider

The Elephant

The Path

Kindness

Chapter 1: Understanding Why we’re so Tempted to Say Yes

The 15 Most Common Beliefs that Keep You Saying Yes

Chapter 2: EFT a Tool to Clear Stress

What is EFT?

You Must be Kidding, How can Tapping on Stress Relief Points Help?

The Brain’s Involvement in Stress

What does this have to do with Saying No?

What Keeps my Limits in Place?

Do I have to Clear Every Single Event? That’ll take Years.

The Importance of Being Specific

The EFT Process

Aspects

Using EFT to Clear the Limits

Testing

Get Clear on your Own Stress

Important Information

Personal Peace Procedure

Tips and Tricks for Working with your own Personal Peace Procedure

I Can’t Get Started

Tapping Exercise

Help! What if I don’t Love or Accept Myself?

Summary

Chapter 3: Five Key Factors

Co-dependence

Am I co-dependent?

Tapping Exercise

Tapping Exercise

Boundaries

What are your Personal Boundaries?

My Birthday Fiasco

How do we Learn About Boundaries?

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

A Simple Process

Tapping Exercise

The Enneagram

What is the Enneagram?

The Types; an Introduction

Type One The Reformer

Type Two The Helper

Type Three The Achiever

Type Four The Individualist

Type Five The Investigator

Type Six The Loyalist

Type Seven The Enthusiast

Type Eight The Challenger

Type Nine The Peacemaker

The Types that Find it Hard to say No

Type Two

Tapping Exercises for Type Two

Type Seven

Tapping Exercises for Type Seven

Type Nine

Tapping Exercises for Type Nine

Erikson’s Developmental Stages

The Six Core Human Needs

Exercise: Discover how your Core Needs are Met

Summary

Chapter 4: The Good News is you Can Say No, you may just not know it yet

We Easily say No to Ourselves

When last Did I

Tapping Exercise

Is it Possible to Say No?

Why is it easy for Us to Say No under these Conditions?

Exactly how Important are Values?

The Key to Easy Decisions and Easy No’s

How to Get your own Compass for Life

Exercise: Elicit Your own Values

I Feel Panicked. Are These Values cast in Stone Now?

Make Sure You want to Say No for the Right Reason

Exercise: Your Why has to be Big Enough

Ten Great Questions to Increase the Size of your Why

Summary

Chapter 5: There’s No Need for Guilt if you Understand why it’s Good to Say No

What Happens When We Say No

Tapping Exercise

Summary

Chapter 6: The Power of the Sub-conscious Mind

If You’re Still Uncomfortable or plain Scared to do it, Something Else is Going On

The Conscious Mind has these Qualities

The Sub-conscious Mind has these Qualities

Where do these Beliefs Come From?

Summary

Chapter 7: Change Happens in Steps

Why is Change so Hard?

The Stages of Change Model

How can we use the Stages of Change Model to Start our New Habit of Saying No?

Tapping Exercise

Pre-Contemplation

Contemplation

Preparation

Action

Maintenance

What Type of Change do I Choose?

Change that is Thrust upon Us

Goal Driven Change

Heart based Change

Action Step

Complete this for Yourself

The Knowledge Instruction and Feedback Loop

Action Step: Draw up a Chart and Reward Yourself

Tapping Exercise

Summary

Chapter 8: New Behaviour

Good Ways to Say No

Action Step: Check List

What to do when You’ve already said Yes and want to Change That?

The Brain and Change

Pruning

New Neural Networks

Action Step: Positive Imagery

Summary

Chapter 9: Sometimes We have to Let Go

Keep these Questions in Mind as you Start Practicing Saying No

Tapping Exercise

Summary

Chapter 10: Putting it all Together

Belief 1: If I Say No they won’t Like Me

Tapping Exercise

Belief 2: If I Say No I’ll Lose an Opportunity

Tapping Exercise

Belief 3: I don’t have a Choice

Tapping Exercise

Belief 4: They are More Important than I am

Tapping Exercise

Belief 5: People Need Me. I’m a Rescuer and I can’t Help it

Tapping Exercise

Belief 6: If I Say No I’m being Selfish

Tapping Exercise

Belief 7: They Expect me to. I can’t Disappoint Them

Tapping Exercise

Belief 8: If I say No they’ll Think I have No Ambition

Tapping Exercise

Belief 9: If I Say No someone will get Upset, and I Need to avoid Conflict at all Costs

Ten Myths about Conflict

Myth 1: All Conflict is Bad

Myth 2: Conflict Damages Relationships

Myth 3: Conflict should Never be Escalated

Myth 4: All Conflict is Just a Character Problem

Myth 5: All Conflict should be Reduced or Avoided

Myth 6: Conflict Indicates Psychological Problems

Myth 7: Harmony is Normal and Conflicts Abnormal

Myth 8: If I Ignore the Conflict it will go Away

Myth 9: Genuine Conflict is about Facts and not about Emotions

Myth 10: Conflict is a sign that People do not Care

Tapping Exercise

Belief 10: I will Hurt Someone it I say No

Tapping Exercise

Belief 11: Their Urgency has to be Mine

Tapping Exercise

Belief 12: There is only One Plan Available and it Involves Me

Tapping Exercise

Belief 13: They Won’t Respect me if I Say No

Revisiting the Elephant and Rider

What Does Showing and Earning Respect really Mean?

Tapping Exercise

Belief 14: It’s Noble to Always be Busy; it looks Good

Tapping Exercise

Belief 15: It’s a Challenge. I can do it. Let me!

Tapping Exercise

Summary

Chapter 11: Other Stories and their Gifts

Holiday Resentment

Manipulation and Two Questions

Revelations

Two Useful Questions

The Customer is Always Right

Afterword

The Guest House

Acknowledgements and Gratitude

Appendix A: Examples of Values

Appendix B: Resources

Bibliography

About the Author

Introduction

I’ve struggled for the longest time with the concept of taking care of my own needs. In fact – for most of my life I wasn’t aware that I had any, and I judged anyone who made theirs known. Needs were for weak or needy people. I certainly would never admit to wanting or needing anything. I was always the strong one, taking care of everyone around me, jumping to volunteer at every opportunity and wondering when I would ever be able to take time to do things I enjoyed.

I became an expert in resentment and feeling like other people were doing it to me. Whatever it was at the time. They kept expecting more of me and I kept giving and doing more. I often felt exhausted. Sometimes I was so tired it felt like I could not face my life, even though I was busy with people and work I loved and enjoyed.

One day not too long ago, I was beyond exhaustion, angry, resentful and in tears about all the work I had on my plate. I’d recently started a training company in partnership with a dear colleague. I was up to my eyeballs in admin, banking, accounting, marketing, organizing workshops, attending courses to learn more skills, building a website, answering emails. Something small broke the camel’s back that day.

I was in tears already when my colleague asked a simple question. Liesel, who gave you all this work?

It was the most unpleasant feeling that arose. It wasn’t possible anymore to overlook the fact that I had taken it all on, myself. I had offered to do every last little piece of it. I never asked my partner for any help. I kept suffering silently, hoping that she would somehow see or sense that I could really not actually do it all on my own and come to my rescue or at least applaud my efforts. I had volunteered for a lot of the work because I had an extensive technical background and she did not – so I nobly thought I’d do us both a favour by doing it all.

That simple question shocked me, stopped me in my tracks and to this day I’m grateful for it. It undeniably made me face one of my strongest patterns.

Things didn’t change immediately. Yes, I took some things off the plate on that day, for a short while. Many crept back silently and I still didn’t ask for help or change my pattern. I was so used to overdoing and over-responsibility that I had no strategy to change it. No-one had taught me how to do it differently. And that’s where my learning had to start – learning different strategies and ways to approach life.

I’m still very much walking this journey. I still fall off the bus from time to time. I still get myself to the familiar place of resentment sometimes. The difference is the degree and how quickly I recognize the descent into deep, dark feelings of martyrdom and someone owes me.

On this remarkable journey I have learnt so much about myself and my childhood, where all our core patterns start. I have learnt and grown through Inner Child work, getting to know The Enneagram (a vast and comprehensive personality/ego type system) and mostly through clearing baggage and old beliefs that kept me stuck, with EFT.

I’d like to share this journey with you in the hopes of offering you some insight into the thought patterns of someone who is afraid to say no, sharing stories at which you could giggle in sympathy, dismantle some of the beliefs that keep us stuck, offering some new thoughts around those beliefs and sharing a profoundly powerful tool (EFT) to help us understand and shift these patterns gently, kindly and with great compassion for ourselves.

Principles this book is built around

We all have different assumptions, beliefs and values due to our different backgrounds, upbringing and education. The backdrop I wrote against involves the work of Byron Katie, the Enneagram, the concept that all behaviour has a positive intention, non-judgement and brutal honesty and self-awareness.

Byron Katie

Byron Katie is a remarkable woman who created a process called The Work to expose and investigate the truth behind limiting thoughts and beliefs. She says the only thing that leads to stress, is a stressful thought. The way we think about a situation, is really what causes the stress. Her system involves four questions and a turn-around. If you want to know more about this wonderful technique to start feeling free of limiting, stressful thoughts, explore some of the useful websites and resources at the end of this book.

One of her most remarkable philosophies is this. She says after years and years of looking, she can only find three types of business in the world. My business, Your business and God’s business. When we feel uncomfortable and stressed out, one of the things we can ask ourselves is Whose business am I in? And we’ll mostly find that we’re actually in someone else’s business, or possibly even in God’s business.

Anytime we want someone to change, we’re in their business. Anytime we think about a disaster or some other phenomenon and ask questions like Why did this have to happen? and bemoan the fact that it did, we’re in God’s business. The only business I can be in where I can possibly make a difference is my own business. That’s the only place of power. I can change only myself, my behaviour, my feelings and reactions.

Byron Katie’s says the following on our topic: The voice within is what I’m married to. ALL marriage is a metaphor for THAT marriage. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes or no comes from. That’s my true partner. It’s always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner. 1

Honesty

Another principle I like to work with is that of brutally honest self-awareness. We cannot change anything unless we’re aware of it and start accepting it the way it is right now. I was dishonest with myself for many, many years about my inner motivation for certain behaviours. I did not like to admit that I actually felt good when someone needed me (that’s so selfish!), so I preferred to think that I did things for their good, not mine. In this frame of mind, there was no chance for me to change it because if I stopped doing it for their good, it would turn me into a selfish, bad monster according to the beliefs I was holding at the time.

Now, I can recognize it is really my ego that feels flattered when someone needs me. Now I’m empowered to change, since I’m honest about the flattery and not deluded about the reason for my caring so much for others’ needs. Self-awareness and brutal honesty is a requirement for changing anything about ourselves.

The important thing about being honest is not to judge ourselves for any of it. In the above example, it would truly not be very helpful if I took out my well-used whip when I realised how nice it feels to be flattered. It would be far more helpful to treat that flattered part of me with great compassion and kindness, like I would treat a small child who needs a lot of care and nurturing. Healing is only possible in a loving, caring, compassionate environment. Judgement, criticism and harshness can only lead to more hurt, pain and turning away from honesty.

The Enneagram

The Enneagram is an exceptionally brilliant tool to help us understand ourselves and our patterns. It helps to know that I’m not the only one doing things this way – and it helps to be aware of repeating patterns in our lives. I might make mention of only a few of the Enneagram types (there are nine Personality Types in this system) because I find that these types mostly fall into the traps I describe in this book. They are Type Two (The Helper) , Type Nine (The Peacemaker) and Type Seven (The Enthusiast). There are books and websites available in the section Helpful Resources, for further in-depth investigation.

Rider, Elephant and Path

Another concept you’ll find me talking about comes originally from the psychologist, Jonathan Haidt 2 and was expanded by the Heath brothers, Chip and Dan.

In their book Switch – How to Change When Change is Hard, the Heath brothers use an excellent metaphor for understanding what happens when we want to make a change. For most of us, it’s an enormous change to start saying No, right?

Chip and Dan Heath writes that we all have inside a Rider, an Elephant and a Path.3

The Rider is our rational mind, the one who can direct the elephant into the desired direction. It’s really our conscious mind, and probably specifically the neo-cortex part of our brain which loves to plan, analyse and control. We need to learn how to direct the Rider and give it very specific instructions, else it starts spinning its wheels, overanalysing and going in circles.

The Elephant is the emotional part of our mind where most of the real motivation to do things comes from. It’s enormously powerful and mostly focused on instant gratification. It is in fact, our subconscious mind. If you know a bit about the subconscious mind, you’ll understand that more or less 97% of our mind’s power resides here. The poor Rider is left with around 3%. If we don’t motivate our Elephant into working with the Rider, it can (and will) take the Rider on a journey that was not intended.

Lastly – the Path is the physical environment and processes we use to accomplish our tasks.

When we want to create change, all of these elements ideally have to be in total alignment. It’s no good having a Rider that wants to go in one direction, and the Elephant (who is far, far stronger, heavier and more powerful) is walking in a different direction. The Elephant will win every time.

Haidt’s answered an interview question about the role of the Elephant and the Rider in happiness: … it helps explain why you can’t just resolve to be happy. You can’t just resolve to quit drinking, you can’t resolve to stop and smell the flowers – because the rider does the resolving but it’s the elephant that does the behaving. Once you understand the limitations of your psychology and how hard it is to change yourself, you become much more tolerant of others, because you realise how difficult it is to change anyone… 4

Here’s how we can use the Rider, Elephant and Path effectively:

The Rider

Find the Bright Spots – what’s working for us already right now, and how can we do more of that? That’s why we’re going to look at our values, and how we’re already saying no

Script the Critical Moves – what are the specific behaviours we need to implement? We’ll learn good ways to say no

Point to the Destination – where are we going and why is it important? Why do we want to say no? What will it do for me?

The Elephant

Find the Feeling – what emotions will motivate us to change? It isn’t enough to have knowledge that we should do something. We must FEEL something in order to want to change

Shrink the Change – break down the change until it no longer scares us. We’re going to use our tool called EFT to break down the resistance and make it easy

Grow Yourself – what identity can we create that makes this change necessary and easier? We’re going to use EFT to help us do that and use a few reframes to see our behaviour differently

The Path

Tweak the Environment – what can we include or remove to help the change?

Build Habits – when behaviour is habitual, it doesn’t tire the Rider because it can happen on automatic pilot

Rally the Herd – behaviour is contagious, so how can we get a group moving?

Very often, when we want to make a change in our lives, the Rider knows where to go, and we even have the Path sorted out (we know how and have learnt the new skills) – but the Elephant is not on board! The Elephant might have a hundred yes but’s to the contrary. The Elephant, which controls around 97% of our life, will have a remarkably easy time of steering us off-course and then we wonder Why does my will-power not work? The will-power we use resides in the conscious mind – and at a mere 3% of our mind power, does not stand a fighting chance.

To learn any new skill we need

Knowledge

the right motivation (our why has to be big enough)

to remove any obstacles, blocks or fears about using the new skill

to acquire new beliefs about ourselves and the world

to take action

to get feedback and

correct the action if it did not have the desired result yet

In this book I’ll provide knowledge about saying no and you will get clear on your motivation for saying no. What makes this book very different to others on the subject is that I’ll provide you with very powerful tools to remove obstacles, blocks and fears around being able to use this skill. Often we can learn a new skill and yet, when we attempt to implement a new behaviour we come up against enormous fears and internal resistance. The great news is that there are tools available that anyone can learn and use to treat and clear the fear, blocks and obstacles.

These same tools can be used to acquire new empowering belief systems about ourselves and the world. This is the territory also, of the Elephant. If our Elephant believes It’s not safe to go in a different direction, nothing on earth will shift him. If we can help our Elephant to understand that It’s completely safe to walk over there – very little will stop him!

To be able to learn to say no requires not only new skills and information but also inner work with our emotional world. We can do this gently and kindly and we’re going to take a look at this from Chapter 2.

Kindness

Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. ~ Barbara De Angelis

I generally find that those who have trouble saying no in the first place, are people who enjoy helping others, care very much about others’ feelings, and wouldn’t want someone else to feel hurt. It’s been my experience that if we can bring in the idea that a no doesn’t have to be cruel, unkind, cold or rude, we can just start feeling so much easier around this issue. I once had a client who specifically said that when she realised she can say no to friends or family in a kind and considerate way, she relaxed about it and a lot of the fear around it subsided for her.

Often our minds are filled with pictures of a parent standing over us as small children, shouting NO! in a booming voice and pointing a judgemental finger at us. This is the way many of us learn about no –