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    Your Kid's Not Special: A Psychologist and Father's Lessons On Popular Parenting
    Your Kid's Not Special: A Psychologist and Father's Lessons On Popular Parenting
    Your Kid's Not Special: A Psychologist and Father's Lessons On Popular Parenting
    Ebook106 pages1 hour

    Your Kid's Not Special: A Psychologist and Father's Lessons On Popular Parenting

    By Koy Roberts Ph.D.

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    About this ebook

    Dr. Koy Roberts is a child and family psychologist with two decades in the trenches counseling children and families. Over the years he's collected a list of popular parenting ideas mistaken for good parenting. He helps parents identify their popular parenting mistakes and set simple, achievable and intentional parenting objectives. Never has there been a more important time for us to intentionally parent as we face the most challenging generation of kids to raise. Our time with our families is pressed and many of us are stressed to the max while our children are swamped in academics, extracurriculars, technology and social media. This generation of children need principled parenting not popular parenting.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateOct 14, 2015
    ISBN9781682223055
    Your Kid's Not Special: A Psychologist and Father's Lessons On Popular Parenting

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      Your Kid's Not Special - Koy Roberts Ph.D.

      them.

      1. Good Parents know when they are ready for kids.

      Just because you believe you’ve reached some chronological age of reproductive maturity and have been married for two seconds doesn’t mean you are ready to raise children. Even a driver’s license requires a class, instructional driving time and a test. Then with six months of supervised time behind the wheel you are allowed to graduate from a permit to a license. However, any nitwit can become a parent so long as their bodies have developed reproductive capabilities. And then there is the pressure, questions and expectations to have kids every new couple endures from the get-go from well-meaning family and friends. Even if you haven’t been pegged as a nitwit it still doesn’t mean you are ready to be a parent. Personal maturity or growing up has virtually nothing to do with chronological age but rather involves polishing out all our psychological blemishes. I was 32 years old and married for seven years before my daughter was born. There are times I still wonder if I was mature enough to take on this enormous role. Probably not. Thankfully, I am maturing and continue this process to be the parent my children need me to be, not only for their sake but mine as well.

      David Schnarch, Ph.D. in his excellent book Passionate Marriage (pg. 51) says the polishing or maturing process we go though is called differentiation:

      …differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love. It’s the process of grinding off our rough edges through the normal abrasions of long-term intimate relationships. Differentiation is the key to not holding grudges and recovering quickly from arguments, to tolerating intense intimacy and maintaining priorities in the midst of your daily life. Differentiation brings tenderness, generosity, and compassion.

      It’s developing your core, solid self. This is a necessary characteristic of individual maturation, successful marriages and good, strong, healthy parenting. It took me some time to realize that the people I love were not put on this earth to complete me. Unfortunately, too many people mistakenly believe validation and wholeness comes through getting married to a special someone. When they realize that doesn’t work so well…they decide to have babies!!! Someone who professes their undying love to you cannot complete you or make you whole. Stop expecting and believing this to be true. When someone attempts to find wholeness or any form of validated intimacy through their spouse or children, they create additional psychological conflicts, dysfunction and problems. We have to recognize or acknowledge this issue. Then work to mature and develop a form of self-validation that we get only through God and ourselves. Self-validated intimacy occurs through the process of differentiation. That’s what we all need and what makes us genuine, whole, complete individuals. Your children cannot be any more differentiated from you when they leave home. Most people get married to achieve the holy grail of wholeness. It takes about two weeks after the honeymoon to realize that’s a complete farce! Your spouse will let you down and even hurt you at times. Then having children and using them as a source of validation creates further emotional enmeshment or fusion as Dr. Schnarch terms it. This makes it awfully difficult, if not impossible, for your children to develop independence and differentiation. They are unable to successfully mature and leave home psychologically whole, because they are a part of

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