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    American Housewife
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    American Housewife
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    American Housewife
    Ebook148 pages1 hour

    American Housewife

    By Helen Ellis

    3.5/5

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    Unavailable in your country

    Unavailable in your country

    About this ebook

    Meet the women of American Housewife…
     
    They smoke their eyes and paint their lips. They channel Beyoncé while doing household chores. They drown their sorrows with Chanel No. 5 and host book clubs where chardonnay trumps Charles Dickens. They redecorate. And they are quietly capable of kidnapping, breaking and entering, and murder.
     
    These women know the rules of a well-lived life: replace your tights every winter, listen to erotic audio books while you scrub the bathroom floor, serve what you want to eat at your dinner parties, and accept it: you’re too old to have more than one drink and sleep through the night.
     
    Vicious, fresh and darkly hilarious, American Housewife is a collection of stories for anyone who has ever wondered what really goes on behind the façades of the housewives of America…
     
    ‘Surreal tales of American weirdness, with details that ring all too true. Ouch, I say at times. At other times, yikes’ Margaret Atwood, Guardian Best Books of the Year
     
    ‘I tore through it. It’s MAD. Utterly mad but brilliant’ Louise O’Neill
     
    ‘Each perfect little story is a fine chocolate, laced with arsenic. Wickedly funny, painfully truthful’ Erin Kelly
     
    ‘After reading American Housewife, I'm convinced Dorothy Parker faked her death and is alive and writing under the pen name “Helen Ellis”. Witty, lacerating, and sometimes touching, this book is a salty assortment of surprises, each more delicious than the last. Savor it with a dry martini’ Deanna Raybourn
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSimon & Schuster
    Release dateJan 14, 2016
    ISBN9781471153815
    Unavailable
    American Housewife
    Author

    Helen Ellis

    Helen Ellis is the author of Kiss Me in the Coral Lounge, Bring Your Baggage and Don’t Pack Light, Southern Lady Code, American Housewife, and Eating the Cheshire Cat. Raised in Alabama, she lives with her husband in New York City. She is a poker player and a plant lady. You can find her on Twitter @WhatIDoAllDay and Instagram @AmericanHousewife.

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    Reviews for American Housewife

    3.5/5

    232 ratings26 reviews

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    • 4/5
      Bravely bitter collection with some real highlights and some clever flash fiction. I think I would read pretty much anything further that Ms Ellis puts out. This was deliciously dark in places. Terrific reading.
    • 2/5
      Dark and absurd.
    • 3/5
      Some of the stories were hit or miss. Either some of the authors took themselves too seriously or the humor didn't come through in their writing. I think the last one is probably the best in the whole collection.
    • 1/5
      This is a collection of short stories, and it was monumentally stupid. The reviews led me to believe that the stories were wildly humorous, although of a darker nature. Humorous - definitely not; dark - yes. I couldn't relate to a single one of these American housewives. Horrible book.
    • 4/5
      Weird but captivating book about a twisted yet familiar group of "housewives." The audiobook was great because of the varied performances of the characters.
    • 4/5
      I loved the audio book of this! I giggled A LOT!!!!!
    • 3/5
      I went in to this one thinking I was going to read a series of humorous & possibly sarcastic vignettes about being a housewife. That was probably a mistake on my part, because this book ended up being not at all what I was expecting. This was more a collection of quirky, snarky, satirical stories with a dark undertone which I felt either appealed to the reader or didn't. I enjoyed the first few, but then I found myself tuning out (on audio) and I really had trouble relating to many of them. Based on the reviews of many others, I seem to be in the minority here, but this just wasn't really my thing.
    • 2/5
      Ugh... If this hadn't been super short AND a book club book, I would have never read it. Not my cup of tea. A couple of the stories were mildly amusing, but I didn't find most of them interesting at all.
    • 3/5
      funny collection of short stories. they get weirder as you go. some were hysterical and some were just odd. Not a bad short story collection. I listened to the audio and it kept me entertained.
    • 4/5
      If you're looking for a fun, light and off-beat book that reads like Mallory Ortberg has moved into Cheever territory, and George Sanders has helped her unpack, while remaining solidly grounded in present day, this is the book for you. The title's a bit misleading. There are plenty of housewives, American version, but of the twelve offerings in this book, not all are really stories. Some read more like very clever blog posts; fun but not stories. Like Southern Lady Code, Take it from Cats, and How to be a Grown-Ass Lady:Accept it: you're too old to drink more than one drink and sleep through the night. Face it: you're never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.The tone of the stories is breezy, and hides the work and skill it takes to create the effect of effortlessness. The stand-out stories include Dumpster Diving With the Stars, about an author whose has stalled out after a single book and who now takes part in a reality show,I published one book, fifteen years ago, but it was a doozy. What they call a "cult classic." Meaning the book was odd, but identifiable, and is now out of print. and My Novel is Brought to You by the Good People at Tampax, in which the light breeziness has taken on a weird, threatening undertone.I really enjoyed this collection, but I do wish it had had more substance to it. More substantial stories that rely less on the clever hook (and sometimes those hooks are very clever) than on Ellis's skilled writing and incisive sense of humor. Less icing, more cake.
    • 4/5
      Overall a pretty good book! One or two stories I thought dragged a little bit, but all around funny, entertaining and good :)
    • 5/5
      Audiobook hit of the summer!
    • 4/5
      Sharp and sassy collection of short stories and vignettes, centering on female characters, housewives and others. Standouts include the wickedly funny email feud in 'The Wainscoting War' and 'Dead Doormen', a subversive little tale that takes an unexpected twist.
    • 4/5
      I'm not nor have ever been a housewife, yet these stories feel familiar. The witty tone, the snarky female interactions, and simmering rage underneath it all is only a few steps away from my daily reality, even if I'm not a contestant on "Dumpster Diving with the Stars." Overall, this collection of stories manages to be both real and a funny, enticing escape from reality.
    • 4/5
      A collection of strange, satirical little short stories, mostly featuring women who are writers or housewives, or both. A couple of these hit the right spot for me. I liked "Hello! Welcome to Book Club" for its shocking, delightfully audacious ending, and I liked the quietly macabre "Dead Doormen." But most of them, I admit, I felt like I should like more than I actually did like them. None of them are bad, but far too much of the time I just found myself sort of intellectually appreciating what the author was doing while the story itself kind of left me cold. This may be one of these cases where a particular writer, however talented, just isn't the right fit for a particular reader.
    • 4/5
      I got a glimpse of the first story in this book through an email from Shelf Awareness and decided that I HAD to read this book - luckily it was on Netgalley at the time so I snatched it up. I have been loving short stories and graphic novels lately so this made me feel like I was accomplishing some reading - being a full book but also keeping me entertained.

      American Housewife is a collection or 12 stories that are all a bit crazy but also funny and really just portray being a housewife in the most sarcastic way. I love sarcasm and this over the top feel. In the stories you get variety: lists, murderer, book clubs, crazy sponsorship, and overall just a hilarious commentary about being an adult woman.

      Ellis does a great job with these stories - some had me laughing out loud, others had me saying 'what the heck was that?' but all in all I flew through the book over the course of a few nights. I would read a few stories feeling accomplished then go to bed - it was great an I think it helped me get out of a horrid reading slump.

      This is an adult read and geared toward women, but I think it is funny enough to have broader appeal to readers. It was fun, laughable, and easy to read.
    • 2/5
      This book was very well-reviewed by critics I respect, but I feel like they read a different book. To say that Ellis lacks depths understates the case profoundly. It would be the equivalent of saying Donald Trump needs a new conditioner. Every character is a parody of a type, an antifeminist trope. Bitchy Southern housewives, aged New York society matrons, rich white New York It patronesses of the arts, women with professional accomplishments and concomitant barren wombs. Ellis is obsessed with her decision to live off her wealthy husband while writing and not publishing. She vacillates between bragging and defensiveness, but the obsession is there in every piece. Insult to injury, the stock characters don't even get into interesting situations. This is a panoply of story ideas set out in lazily constructed short stories, and a series of quippy lists. Some of the story ideas are good, and some of the quips sparkle (earning this 2 instead of 1 star from me.) The failure is in the execution. The do and don't lists are....lists. They are not stories. Same goes for the nasty women giving you character sketches of other women -- not stories. The few times she actually does some of the work to turn her ideas into a story, it rarely works. The best story is "Dumpster Diving with the Stars." It has some really affecting moments, and some funny situations, but in the end it was just to sweet for me even though I too love John Lithgow and was happy he came out looking so good. In this story there is a Playboy Playmate character who says things are "cuuuuuuuuuuute". This is a sign of her sweet emptiness, but the story is also cuuuuuuuute, so maybe that is a sign of Ellis' sweet emptiness? (Note: Elis calls the character a Bunny." Notwithstanding the title "Bunnies Next Door," Bunnies are waitresses, not centerfolds.) Another fleshed out story, "My Novel Brought to you by the Good People at Tampax", is mostly unreadable. It is a ridiculous dystopian tale about art being commoditized in the name of commerce, and it doesn't even have the fun quips to save it. Skip this one and use the time saved to read something better.
    • 2/5
      I went into this book thinking it would be funny and thought-provoking. Sometimes it succeeded, but mostly not.

      The second story about a "war" between two women over wainscotting in an apartment, told through emails, was laugh-out-loud hilarious. It was probably the best story for me. After that things were all over the place. "The Fitter" (about a bra-fitter with a wife undergoing cancer treatment) and "Dead Doormen" (just as it sounds) are unusual, inventive, and amusing all at the same time, even if far-fetched.

      "Dumpster Diving with the Stars" is kind of bland and overly long for no good reason. "Hello! Welcome to the Book Club" and "Pageant Protection" are very frantic in a trying-too-hard way. I couldn't wait for them to be over. A lot of stories are actually lists that are in paragraph form; the only one written in that way that appealed to me was the first one, while the rest felt like they'd already been done. Several stories focus on housewives that happen to be struggling writers. I completely lost interest in the very last one involving tampons.

      I feel like the collection needed more variety from more distinct voices. In the end it wasn't that entertaining or thought-provoking.
    • 4/5
      These twelve short stories introduce you to housewives from the one who explains "What I do all day" to the writer having quite a block on her novel sponsored by Tampax. Helen Ellis is hilarious in person, and her sometimes dark humor comes through in these stories as well. My personal favorite was "Dumpster diving with the stars" in which a writer competes against others in a reality TV show to get the best deals while the producers have their own agenda. Another fantastic one was an email exchange by neighbors about redecorating (or not) their shared area. Some stories didn't work as well for me, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend it to everyone. But I had such a ball reading them the last few evenings after work.
    • 4/5
      This is a collection of 12 snarky short-stories involving women in various social situations. Some of the stories were more entertaining than others but almost all had a dark or unpredictable ending. This was a quick and enjoyable read for anyone who enjoys a few sprinkles of psychopathy in their highly nuanced cat fight.
    • 4/5
      I really liked this collection of stories. They were each different, but all had a dark sense of humor. It was a different perspective on the traditional idea of the American housewife without really being a book about American housewives. It made me want to read more by this author to hear what else she has to say.
    • 4/5
      My favorite story was "What I do All Day." Some of it was just too true.
    • 5/5
      Hilarious! I particularly liked that the stores are about different kinds of wives, including the first, about a matronly woman with a heretic's mind.
    • 4/5
      I don't often read short story collections. Why? I can only say it's because of the investment. After I read the first story, it's like the first chapter of a "normal" book, I want to keep turning the pages. BUT, short story collections need to be savored and I usually am not the savory kind of reader. But I made an exception with American Housewife by Helen Ellis and I am so glad I did. American Housewife is a collection of fun, contemporary, tongue-in-cheek stories that had me smiling cheek to cheek! And by contemporary, I mean stories I can relate to in the present day. Like the story of two women who live in apartments and share the same hallway (The Wainscoting War). One woman is rather elderly and has lived there forever with her flocked damask wallpaper and huge antique oil paintings in the common hallway they both share now. The other woman is a young "new money" girl and has ideas about updating what she thinks is a depressing and old looking hallway soon after she moves in. Their "disagreement" is fought in emails to each other, until a final resolution, that is by no means neighborly, is reached. It is funny as all heck to read. Then we move into a behind the scenes look at a new reality show called Dumpster Diving with The Stars, that pits an ex-playboy bunny against a nobody writer and includes John Lithgow as part of the fun. No need to read these stories in order- enjoy them at will! In these stories you'll meet a housewife who "pumps the salad spinner like a CPR dummy", a housewife who thinks wainscoting is "the bomb" (and you should too or else!), and a group of book club ladies who have an unusual requirement when you join the club. In all there are 12 stories, 2 of which are just 2 pages each, but a great 2 pages they are. My favorite stories? Definitely The Wainscoting War (See description above), Hello!Welcome to Book Club (very Handmaiden Tales like), And The Fitter, which is about this husband who can tell exactly what bra will fit any lady and not just fit, but feel absolutely the most comfortable and look great too. No need to touch the woman, just looking at her reveals all he needs to know. It is a talent that he had since he was little, and he's very much in demand. And what woman wouldn't want a man who could do that! But being married to the guy is a full time job! That's all I'm going to say! I also really liked My Novel is Brought To You By, which is about this woman who signs a contract with Tampax to write a book and let's just say, product placement becomes an issue. It is funny!I checked this out of my fabulous library, but now I think I'm going to have to buy this because it would be something I would open up and enjoy again. And that's a great thing about your library- you can try before you buy! A slim 185 pages, but 4 stars from this housewife! Helen Ellis' writing is enticing and these stories are insightful, not to mention bitingly funny at times. Definitely borrow, and buy if tongue-in-cheek housewives put a grin on your face.
    • 5/5
      Read from October 05 to 14, 2015This collection of short stories is chock-full of quirky, creepy, clever women. I can't imagine someone not seeing themselves in at least one of these characters. I read several stories multiple times and plan on reading a few of my favorites again once this gem of a collection is published in January. I think the shortest stories are my favorites -- they pack a big punch in just a couple of pages (especially "Southern Lady Code", "What I Do All Day", and "Take It From Cats")."What I Do All Day" -- hahahahahahaha. I understand this woman. I've definitely had some of these very thoughts myself. I mean, do you know how much arm strength it takes to flat iron course, wavy hair? A lot. It's exhausting. And husband's that vacuum up glitter truly are amazing."The Wainscoting War" -- Two stories in and I love this. The email exchange between Angela and Gail is so good and so full of beautifully wicked fake niceties. "Dumpster Diving with the Stars" -- how did Ellis manage to fit an entire reality TV show season into one amazing short story (I kept thinking of Dancing with the Stars combined with Flea Market Flip because dumpster diving, upcycling, and dancing are so similar?)? The main character is a writer who also happens to be best friends with a super famous author (think Jennifer Weiner or Sophie Kinsella). Super famous friend convinced her to go on this show where she must make someone else's trash her treasure. Then there's all the other contestants with believable and/or ridiculous reasons for being there, the shady producers, and, well, it's just so good. "Southern Lady Code" -- Yep"Hello! Welcome to Book Club" -- loved it so much I read it twice (I may have read a few of these stories more than once). Joining this book club is about more than just reading the book or drinking wine. Join up and all your problems could be swept away...for a price."The Fitter" -- if a person like the fitter existed, I would be there in a second. Not to marry him, but to find the best bra of my life."How to be a Grown-Ass Lady" -- if this is how to be a grown-ass lady, then I am not quite there. A few things I need to work on include not putting my phone on a restaurant table and getting fitted for bras every year. "How to be a Patron of the Arts" -- abandon your dreams and buy a tinfoil hat, but call it art. Excellent advice. "Dead Doormen" -- this lady must live in the same building as Angela and Gail. Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs in this prewar penthouse!"Pageant Protection" -- they keep getting zanier!"Take It From Cats" -- cats are the coolest critters and this story proves that we have much to learn from our feline companions. "My Novel is Brought to You by the Good People at Tampax" -- oh goodness, the stuff of nightmares! Product placement times a billion. The horror! Corporate sponsors in books. (I kept thinking of James Patterson/James Frey/book packaging while reading this one...is sponsorship the next step?)
    • 5/5
      American Housewife by Helen Ellis is a very highly recommended entertaining collection of 12 short stories.
      This one is a winner! Every story is clever, humorous, and capricious - funny and quirky with a dark side. Every story is extremely well written. The titles often say what the story is about, but perhaps not exactly as you envisioned it. I love this collection!

      CONTENTS

      What I Do All Day: Literally what a perfect woman does all day. "I weep because I am lucky enough to have a drawer just for glitter."

      The Wainscoting War: An increasingly hostile email exchange between neighbors Angela and Gail that begins with the decor in the shared hallway. "Our hallway looks like a room at the Met that makes schoolchildren cry."

      Dumpster Diving with the Stars: A not-so-famous writer agrees to participate as a contestant in a reality TV show.

      Southern Lady Code: What Southern ladies mean when they say something. For example: "Is this too dressy?" is Southern Lady code for: I look fabulous and it would be in your best interest to tell me so. Well, bless your heart...

      Hello! Welcome to Book Club: A book club that is about a bit more than the books welcomes a new, young member. "My Book Club name is Mary Beth. We all have Book Club names at Book Club."

      The Fitter: The Fitter has the gift of knowing what bra will give a woman a perfect fit. "The Fitter is what you call pilgrimage-worthy. He sees you, he sells to you, and you leave with your breasts and your spirits soaring higher than kites. A good bra is fine, but a great bra is life changing."

      How to be a Grown-Ass Lady: A nice, concise guide to help ever woman act like a grown-ass woman. For example: "If you don't like something someone says, say 'That's interesting.' If you like something someone says, say "That's interesting!'"

      How to be a Patron of the Arts: Ellis expounds on the 8 steps you need to take. Step 1: Take your husband's money. Step 2: Lose yourself in marriage. Step 3: Make your own mantra. Step 4: Support the literary community. Step 5: Become a gay man's eye candy. Step 6: Buy art. Step 7: Become a muse. Step 8: Develop a signature look.

      Dead Doormen: A portrait of a woman who seems to be perfectly devoted to her husband becomes increasingly more disturbing as you follow her life.

      Pageant Protection: An woman who is in an underground railroad, of sorts, that helps young girls escape from pageant mothers is giving instructions to her latest rescue girl.
      "To change you’ll need to do what I say and look like I say and talk like I tell you to talk. No more y’alls. No more mamas. We’re on our way to New York City.
      "That’s right, New York City! Lose your accent and no one will know you were a Miss Anything anymore. Don’t and you’ll be on the next bus back to Birmingham. I’m sorry, sweetie, but I’m not going to prison because you can’t quit saying cain’t."

      Take It From Cats: How to act like a cat. "If you stand in a kitchen long enough, someone will feed you."

      My Novel is Brought to You by the Good People at Tampax: An author's corporate sponsor becomes less understanding and increasingly ruthless when trying to get the author to finish writing the contracted book.

      Disclosure: My Kindle edition was courtesy of Knopf Doubleday for review purposes.