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Lost to You
Lost to You
Lost to You
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Lost to You

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Phillip Lawton has never been good at dealing with the bad things in his life, and for years he’s opted to self-medicate over having to face anything tough. With a childhood that was less than joyful and only a few people in life that actually care about him, he’s never had much to live for. But when his addiction takes over and starts to threaten one of the only good things in his life – his place in Westside – he knows he needs to get sober and stay that way. Regardless of how much he didn’t seem to care about the band in the past, Westside means everything to him. But when you’ve been an addict for almost ten years, staying sober isn’t exactly an easy thing to achieve, especially when temptations are all around you.

Sabrina Tyler hit rock bottom a few years back, and it was a media spectacle. Just the fact that she was able to get sober, stay that way, and relaunch her music career is a miracle all on its own, but when she’s ask to be Phillip’s sponsor and help him stay clean during Westside’s six-month long tour, she questions whether that’s something she can do. Phillip isn’t exactly welcoming of Sabrina’s presence, and she can’t even tell if he’s even serious about getting sober. But tenacity has always been her strength, and she finds herself more determined than ever to get through to Phillip.

What Phillip and Sabrina don’t realize is they have more in common than they ever realized. They’ve both felt immeasurable loss, they’ve both been hurt, and they both carry scars on their hearts that keep them guarded. Sometimes the one person you thought you didn’t need in your life becomes the one you rely on the most. But what happens when a girl who never thought she’d find love again falls for the boy she’s supposed to be helping, a boy who doesn’t think he’s even capable of love? Sabrina knows that Phillip isn’t the ideal guy for her, but she isn’t willing to accept that. She sees the good in him, she sees beyond the demons that haunt him, and all she can hope is that when he looks at her, he sees the same things.

LanguageEnglish
Release dateJan 16, 2016
ISBN9781311548405
Lost to You
Author

Monica Alexander

Monica Alexander is a writer of contemporary, new adult, and young adult fiction. In 2011, she turned her lifelong love of reading and books into a career when she published her first novel, "Just Watch the Fireworks". When she's not reading and writing, you can find her at the beach, in the mountains, or hiking through a city, soaking all the beauty of the world around her and turning her experiences into inspiration for her next book.

Read more from Monica Alexander

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    Lost to You - Monica Alexander

    Lost to You

    By Monica Alexander

    Copyright 2016 by Monica Alexander

    ISBN: 978-1-3115-4840-5

    Cover Image: (c) Hrecheniuk Oleksii / www.shutterstock.com Stock Photography

    Smashwords Edition

    This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or personals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

    All Rights Reserved

    No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from the author.

    The information in this book is distributed as an as is basis, without warranty. Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this work, neither the author nor the publisher shall have any liability to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the information contained in this book.

    This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

    Table of Contents

    Chapter 1

    Chapter 2

    Chapter 3

    Chapter 4

    Chapter 5

    Chapter 6

    Chapter 7

    Chapter 8

    Chapter 9

    Chapter 10

    Chapter 11

    Chapter 12

    Chapter 13

    Chapter 14

    Chapter 15

    Chapter 16

    Chapter 17

    Chapter 18

    Chapter 19

    Chapter 20

    Chapter 21

    Chapter 22

    Chapter 23

    Epilogue

    About the Author

    Playlist

    Chapter One

    Phillip

    I took a deep breath as I stepped through the doors of the place that had become my safe haven for the past two months. The sun was shining too brightly, and the air was crisp and cold enough to make me pull my coat tighter around me as I ducked my head to shield my eyes from the light. I wished I had a hat to block out the sun, but it had been cloudy the day I’d arrived, so I hadn’t needed one. All my hats were back at my loft in the city that I knew would feel cold and empty when I returned to it alone.

    Being alone had always been my downfall. I hated it. I didn't do well by myself and had always tried to find ways to be around people. Isolation scared me. It led to idle thoughts, and idle thoughts led to the self-destructive decisions I’d been making for years. I didn't want to be alone, especially now.

    Seeing a black Town Car come to a stop in front of me, I raised my head. The passenger window in the backseat rolled down, and I was gifted with the bright smile of one of the few people in my world that I could count on. I released the breath I was holding as I saw a face I’d found comfort in for close to fifteen years. Kelsey.

    Hey stranger. Need a ride? she asked jovially, which I knew was one hundred percent because of the situation we were in.

    This was a girl who knew every one of my secrets, my shames, and the pain I’d been living with for too many years to count. And because of that, she knew that right now I needed to pretend like everything was fine. I needed to imagine that she was coming by to pick me up for lunch like she’d done too many times to count since I’d moved to the city. I needed to not think about what lay ahead of me and how hard it was going to be. And I needed to forget for just a little while that I was leaving the rehab facility I’d checked myself into sixty days earlier, because after everything I’d been through, the failure that my life had culminated into was weighing heavier on my shoulders in that moment than it ever had before.

    Knowing that was probably going to happen, I’d asked Kelsey to pick me up instead of one of my bandmates. I loved my boys. They were the closest thing I had to brothers, and I considered them family, but in that moment when I was coming to grips that I’d walked away from the safety of the doctors and the counsellors and the four walls that kept temptation out, I needed the one person who’d known me at my lowest points. Because for most of them, she’d been right there, getting lost along with me.

    That had been a long time ago though. Kelsey had gotten her shit together a few years earlier, and she was in a better place than I’d ever seen her. But she still knew what it felt like to be on the bottom, to feel desperate, to know that no matter how much faith you had, things weren’t going to improve without a drastic change. It was why she’d been there when I decided I needed to go back to rehab two months earlier, and it was why I’d asked her to pick me up. She knew better than anyone what I was feeling in that moment.

    You cut your hair, I said to her in response to her question about me needing a ride, seeing that her long chestnut brown hair was now cut in a chic bob that grazed her shoulders.

    It was the best I could do. I didn't know what else to say. ‘Thanks for picking me up from rehab’ didn't exactly roll off the tongue. And ‘Sure, a ride back to the city would be stellar considering we’re out in the middle of nowhere’ just felt too obvious.

    Kelsey smiled and tossed her head seductively, making her short hair swish over her wool-covered shoulders before falling back into place. She knew what I was doing, and because of that, she was going to placate my unspoken desires to act like things were normal, when in reality normal had left the building right around the time I’d turned ten. It had been so long since I’d felt ‘normal’ that I wasn’t even sure I’d recognize it anymore.

    I wanted something different, Kelsey said, shrugging. You like?

    It’s pretty much perfection, I told her, figuring she already knew that.

    Kelsey was beautiful in an effortlessly conventional way that made heads turn when she walked down the street. She defined gorgeous for women all over the country who saw her face on runways, in magazines, and as the face of a high-end cosmetics line, a designer fragrance, and as one of the muses for a top fashion house. She really was perfection – at least on the outside.

    Having known her for most of my life, I knew there was so much more to her than a pretty face and the envious life she now lived. I knew the dark and twisted parts of her, I knew what she feared the most, and I knew what kept her up at night. But I also knew what she’d overcome, how strong she really was and that she had one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’d ever met. So yeah, she was pretty perfect in her own twisted way, which was probably what I loved most about her.

    Kelsey winked at me. Oh, Phillip, I always could count on you for a stellar compliment, she said as she opened the door, slid over and patted the seat next to her. Get in here. It’s freezing outside. She shivered. I hate this weather.

    We’re not in South Florida anymore, I reminded her as I climbed in beside her, tossing my duffel bag between us.

    No, we’re not, she said as I closed the door along with the cold

    I settled into the supple leather of the car, forcing myself to relax. I reminded myself that I’d taken a lot of steps while I’d been in rehab. I’d made progress, and I’d come a long way. This was just another step. I was going to be fine. Mind over matter.

    So how the hell are you? Kelsey asked me as the driver pulled forward, following the circular drive toward the main road.

    I looked back at the stately building, wondering if I was making the right decision as mind over matter flew out the window. I could have stayed longer. I’d been tempted to, but I also knew I couldn’t stay forever. I’d always known that at some point I’d have to go back to my life. It just felt too soon, but I had a feeling it would have felt that way regardless of if I left now, in six weeks, or in six months. I was an addict, I’d always be an addict, and I had to figure out how to live my life with that reality. No better time like the present, I supposed. I hoped.

    I am peachy, I told Kelsey, leaning back and closing my eyes.

    A few seconds later I felt her hand close around mine. I’m glad you’re here.

    I opened my eyes, but I didn't lift my head. Suddenly, it was ten years earlier, and I was lying in a hospital bed. My wrists were bandaged, I was groggy from being asleep for too long, and Kelsey was sitting on my bed, her fingers laced with mine.

    I’d never been so grateful to see her face as the events of the previous twenty-four hours slid through my mind like a slideshow, including the most recent incident, in which my dad had stopped by to see me. He’d stayed long enough to yell at me for being an idiot and a selfish brat, having been annoyed that he’d had to fly home from Tuscany where he was spending a month with Gigi, his new wife, who was maybe ten years older than me and who he’d known for less than six months. He knew I hadn’t been happy about him marrying her, and he thought I’d been acting out, that I hadn’t been seriously trying to kill myself and that I’d just wanted attention. He couldn’t have been farther from the truth

    I felt like telling him he was lucky I hadn’t succeeded or else he’d have been obligated to stay home far longer than the few days it would take me to be released from the hospital, for him to set me up with a shrink and to hire a nanny to watch over me. Of course when he’d come into my room, the last thing I’d expected was for him to yell at me. I’d literally tried to slit my wrists because I was so unhappy with my life. And I was fourteen years old. So when he’d started railing on me, I’d just laid there in stunned silence, in utter disbelief of what I was witnessing.

    My dad hated me. If I hadn’t known it for sure before, I knew it then. Not once had he thanked God that I was alright or told me he loved me or even hugged me. He hadn’t asked why I’d done it or if I was even okay. And that was because he didn’t actually care. He was just irritated that I’d ruined his honeymoon.

    After he finished his diatribe, he told me I needed to get my head on straight. Then he told me he’d be back the next day when they released me, since he was required to do so by law because I was a minor, and then he left.

    When the door to my room had closed and the silence engulfed me, I felt hot tears start to roll down my cheeks. In that moment, I had the very strong inclination that my father was disappointed that my suicide attempt had failed. And that hurt worse than anything I’d ever experienced in my life. To know someone wished you were dead so they didn’t have to deal with you anymore, it sort of makes you feel like your chest is caving in and squishing your heart. It was probably the last thing I needed to hear, and at the very least my dad should have realized that. He was such an insensitive asshole.

    But he’d been that way ever since my mother had died four years earlier. I knew he was angry that she was gone, and he hated that she’d left him to take care of me alone, but I didn’t think he hated me. I was his son, his flesh and blood, but I guess that didn’t matter. The harsh truth that I was quickly coming to terms with was that he couldn’t stand me.

    I ended up crying myself to sleep, feeling more alone than I had in years as I contemplated a re-do on taking my life. When I’d awoken, Kelsey had been next to me, her face pale with concern, and her twisted expression and tear-stained cheeks exactly what I needed to see. After everything that had been filtering through my mind before I’d fallen asleep, in that moment, I needed to know that someone in the world cared about me, even a little.

    She squeezed my hand as her eyes filled with fresh tears.

    I looked at her and said in a raspy, worn out voice, I’m glad you’re here.

    I heard the desperation in my voice, and I knew she did too. A single tear slide down her cheek, but she forced a smile, probably wanting to be strong for me.

    You’re going to be okay, Phillip, she said softly, and as those words resonated with me, for the first time since I’d decided to no longer be a burden to those around me, I was glad I’d failed.

    My dad might not have given two shits about me, but I had people in my life who loved me. I needed to remember that.

    Of course he’s going to be okay, Leah, Kelsey’s younger sister, said to her in an authoritative voice I knew all too well. He’s going to be fine. Then she looked at me pointedly. You’re going to be fine, Phillip.

    Leah had always been the most pragmatic of the three of us. She didn't settle for wishes and whims. She was factual and determined that she could go after the things she wanted no matter what, even at thirteen. And when it came to my botched suicide, she took the same approach. I’d be fine, because she said I would. There wasn’t any room for argument.

    And as soon as she said it, I knew it was true. Seeing Kelsey’s tears and Leah’s fierce look of infallible determination, I knew I had two very important reasons to live. I might have not had anyone else, but I had them.

    We were the kids who’d been tossed aside and forgotten about by parents who probably hadn’t wanted us in the first place. They ran their businesses, made their millions and traveled the world, paying other people to raise us. Left alone, we were liable to fall apart, just like I had, but if we stuck together, we might have a fighting chance.

    That was what Leah had said to me when we were alone the day after I’d gotten home from the hospital. She’d told me it was us against the world, and if we didn’t lean on each other, we’d fall. She said she’d never let me fall, and I promised her the same thing, not realizing how deep that promise would ring true when it was all said and done.

    But I’d kept my word for ten years, and so had she, regardless of how backwards and twisted things got. We were always there for each other. And whether or not Kelsey knew about the conversation Leah and I had, she was right there with us. Until I joined Westside, they were the only people in the world that I trusted implicitly.

    In all honesty, it felt weird being in that car without Leah, but she hadn't followed her sister to New York five years earlier. She’d stayed in Ft. Lauderdale, where we’d grown up, to finish her degree and raise her son, Gavin.

    I’d gone to L.A. around the same time, after I’d gotten picked for Westside. It had been the oddest feeling being separated by an entire country from the two people I’d seen practically every day of my life from the time I was ten and they’d moved in next door to me.

    I knew Kelsey and Leah hated being apart as much as I did, but I reminded myself that although the separation sucked, it had been necessary. I’d wanted out, to get away from my dad and Gigi, and away from a place where I didn’t feel like I had a future. Kelsey had wanted the same thing, and Leah had wanted stability for Gavin. It didn’t make sense for us all to stay put, but that didn’t mean I missed them any less.

    I’d felt a little more settled when I’d bought a place in New York the year before, since it meant I got to see Kelsey more often – at least during the times when our schedules synced up and we were both in the city. It was rare, since she traveled constantly, and I lived a bi-coastal life when I wasn’t traveling, but just knowing that her apartment was a few blocks from my loft was a comfort in and of itself.

    And when I was feeling really alone, I could always pick up the phone and call Leah. It felt like I’d been running to her with my woes for years, and she was still who I called when I felt my life weighing down on my shoulders. She was my sounding board, she could usually talk me down from the ledge, and she knew when to kick my ass. Where Kelsey was who I went to when I wanted to forget, Leah was who I went to when I needed to get my head on straight.

    In fact, the weekend I’d let everything go to hell and trashed my six month mostly-sober streak, I’d called Leah. I’d been high as a kite and babbling on about some nonsense with the band and my bandmates and our manager, Damon, and as much as I was sure Leah wanted to hang up on me, she didn’t. She stayed on the line and listened to my manic garble of sentences, a laundry list of complaints and frustrations that stemmed from the fact that we’d ended our last tour and kept right on going, promoting our new album, performing during award shows and talk shows and reality singing competition shows, performing so much that my throat felt raw most nights.

    The stress had gotten to me, and during our first long weekend off, when my bandmates had all disappeared with their girlfriends, leaving me alone to my own devices and demons, I’d given in to the first temptation to knock on my door. I knew it was a bad decision. I’d known it as soon as I swallowed the first handful of pills. And after three days, things had spiraled so much that I’d been desperate enough that I’d called Leah, even though I knew she was going to be furious with me.

    I was falling apart on the inside, and I knew it. I was close to tears when I told her I needed to see her and was about two seconds from booking a flight. That was when Leah got tough with me, telling me no, telling me that she didn’t want to see me. She said she knew I was high, and she was pissed that I’d fallen off the wagon. She said I needed help, and until I got it, she didn’t want to see me, and she sure as hell didn’t want me around Gavin.

    She hung up before I could explain that I was fine, stunning me, because I’d never told her I’d finally succumbed to months of urges that I should have known were too strong not to eventually pull me under. I should have known Leah would be able to tell what had happened. She’d seen me fucked up too many times to not recognize the signs, and after I’d promised her back in May that I was done with drinking and drugs, she was pissed that I’d let her down.

    That reality sunk in hard as soon as I heard the line go silent. An ache formed in my chest, and my stomach roiled as my drug-induced fear of losing her came to the forefront. I hated disappointing Leah. She was so good. She did everything right. She was a fantastic mom, an amazing sister, and an incredible friend. I was just a screw-up, and she was never going to forgive me for not being strong enough to stay sober.

    I remembered sinking to the floor by my bed, my phone still in my hand. My ex, Nadia, who’d been the catalyst behind my headfirst dive off the sober-wagon, came into my room naked and flung herself onto my bed. She rolled over and pawed at me, trying to get me to join her, but I wasn’t in the mood, so I shoved her off of me and told her to leave.

    She pouted and whined, so I turned and looked up at her. Fucking leave! I yelled. You ruined my life. You ruined everything!

    I knew it wasn’t her fault. Sure, she’d shown up at my loft with twenty people and several baggies of party favors, but she hadn’t shoved them down my throat. That had been all me, and sitting in the dark, on the floor of my bedroom at six in the morning, having been up for days, I finally let myself take the blame.

    The next thing I knew, Kelsey was knocking on my door. Leah had called her sister to come get me.

    As soon as I saw her, I knew what I needed to do. A three day party binge after being mostly sober for months told me I wasn't as okay as I’d been pretending to be all along, and I needed help. Kelsey knew it too. She helped me pack a bag, she drove me to the rehab facility, and then she’d hugged me goodbye. I made the long walk inside alone, knowing if I didn’t do that, I might not be strong enough to stay.

    I didn’t tell anyone else what I was doing. I didn’t want the fanfare and the concern. I didn’t need it. I needed to get help, just like Leah had said, and I needed to do it alone.

    I made one call to Damon, letting him know where I was and why, because I knew he’d worry, but also because I wanted to know for sure that I’d have my life to go back to when I was ready. I needed him to know how much I cared about Westside and my bandmates and our future success. I was all in. I just needed time to get my head on straight.

    The second he assured me that my place in the band was safe and that I should do whatever I needed to get better, I knew it was okay for me to go off the grid. I couldn't check out of my life for two months and not have the certainty that the good parts of it would be there when I got back. I needed the band and my bandmates more than anything. Without them, I didn’t have much else.

    I didn't call the guys, because I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Cam would have been pissed, Dillon would have been disappointed, and Van, my best friend and the guy who’d probably lay down his life for me, would have been hurt. I knew that, so I didn't tell any of them what I was doing. I asked Kelsey to call them for me, giving her a message to pass on, and then I let everything go, hoping I’d be forgiven for my mistakes when I came out on the other side.

    Then I surrendered my belongings, remembering the drill all too well. It hadn’t even been a year since I’d checked out of the same facility, and everything I’d been through before was fresh in my mind the second I’d walked through the doors. But this time it was different. This time I was there of my own volition, and I was determined to get well. I’d stay as long as I needed to, and after I got out, I wasn’t going back.

    Now, as the stately building got smaller and smaller behind us, I reaffirmed what I’d told myself every day while I’d been in rehab. Once you’re out, you’re out. You’re not going back.

    I would continue telling myself that day after day, month after month, year after year, because I wasn’t going back. I was reclaiming my life, the life I’d earned, that I deserved, and I wasn’t going to let anyone take it from me. My childhood might have been shit, but it didn’t mean I had to continue to let it drag me under.

    So what’s the plan? Kelsey asked as she smoothed her hands over her thin, denim-covered thighs. You want to see a movie? Grab some food? There’s a new Indian place in my neighborhood that’s kind of amazing.

    I sighed, knowing I needed to make some phone calls. I hadn’t told anyone except Damon that I was getting out of rehab today, and I knew I probably needed to do that. As soon as I was spotted, my picture would be plastered all over the tabloids, since I’d been out of the spotlight for too long. The story that Damon and our publicist Katherine had masterminded was that I’d gone backpacking through Australia and New Zealand with a friend, so that’s where the world had assumed I was.

    I’d been told my social media accounts had included a few updates a week about where I was and what I was doing, including some doctored photos that made it look like I was zip-lining, surfing, and hiking, all things I would have done had I actually been on the other side of the globe. So far it seemed like everyone had bought the story, since according to Damon, no one had challenged where I was.

    The only headlines that had caused concern were surrounding the fact that I’d gone off to travel the world without Cam, Dillon, or Van. Apparently there were questions about how close we really were these days, if we were fighting, and there were even mentions that Westside was breaking up. I knew we’d have to remedy those rumors soon enough and show the world that we loved each other just as much as we always had.

    And I was grateful to know for certain that we weren’t going to have to fake that feeling of closeness we’d always had. My bandmates weren’t mad. Damon had passed messages to me from all of them, and it had been a relief to hear that they’d been more worried about me than anything else. I knew as soon as I called, they’d be by my side. All wasn’t lost. In fact, I had a feeling we’d be better than ever. I wasn’t going to let them down again, and I was going to make sure they knew it.

    I’m not really all that hungry, I told Kelsey, because I didn’t feel like going out.

    She nodded. Understandable. We can do anything you want.

    I looked up and met her gaze. What if I said I wanted to go home?

    To Florida? she questioned, because she knew where my thoughts had gone.

    I needed to see Leah, to tell her I was sorry and to make sure she knew I was okay. Spending a few days with her and Gavin, going to the beach, watching movies, and ordering takeout with them sounded better than anything else.

    Maybe I just wasn’t ready to re-enter society with a bang and easing in felt better, or maybe I just needed to reset my mindset before I jumped in with both feet. Either way, I knew Leah was the person to help me do that. She always had been.

    Is Leah pissed at me? I asked Kelsey.

    She shook her head. Of course not.

    I ran a hand back through my hair. Good. How’s Gav? Did he have a good Christmas?

    I felt like an ass for missing Christmas. In the almost six years since he’d been alive, I hadn’t missed a Christmas or his birthday, which I took as great opportunities to completely spoil him. For some reason, Leah had picked me to be his godfather, and I took the job seriously – which basically meant I regularly bought him more shit than he needed, but for special occasions, I went all out.

    I loved the kid. He was cool as shit, and I wasn’t really a kid person, so that was saying a lot. He just sort of got to me, and I’d been hooked from the first day I’d met him when he was only a few hours old.

    Kelsey had gone with her sister when she’d gone into labor, because their parents had been in London, and Leah didn’t have anyone else. Gavin’s dad was some guy Leah had slept with a few times when he’d been in town on vacation. He’d been a junior at Northwestern, and he’d denied Gavin from the start, claiming there was no way he could be his father. I’d half-expected Leah to demand a paternity test, but she hadn’t, saying she didn’t want someone in her son’s life who didn’t want to be there.

    It was typical Leah, taking charge of her life and owning it completely, even though she was only seventeen at the time. She’d never once considered not having Gavin, and by the time he was born, she’d already carved out a plan to make sure he was loved, cared for, and had everything in life he needed – which apparently included me being his godfather.

    I was stoned the first time I met him, which was pretty much par for the course for me back then. I was finishing up my senior year of high school, trying to figure out what was next and how I could parlay the modeling I’d been doing in Miami into a career that would get me out of South Florida. I felt anxious most of the time, so I relied on things to numb my senses and get me through the day.

    It was just a typical day, so I was still able to function normally. But I’d never been around a baby before, so I’d wanted to take the edge off when Kelsey called me and told me to come to the hospital. I actually wasn’t sure what to expect, other than the fact that our tightknit group of three had added another member while I’d been falling asleep in Trig. It was incredibly surreal, and as was typical, I assumed the worst, expecting to see a crying, screaming, red-faced alien when I walked into Leah’s room.

    That hadn’t been the case at all. In fact, Gavin was asleep in Leah’s arms when I opened the door. She smiled as soon as she saw me and whispered a hello. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do, so I sat in the chair next to her bed. When she had asked me if I wanted to hold Gavin, I blanched, not sure if I’d heard her right. How could she want me, a guy who’d never been around babies before and who was notoriously irresponsible, to hold her kid?

    Then before I knew what she was doing, she’d handed him to me. I froze as I looked down at him. He was tiny as shit, and I was afraid any sudden movements would break him. But when I saw Leah smile, I knew that my instinct to throw him back at her was wrong. I took a few deep breaths, tried to relax, and prayed that I wouldn’t accidentally drop him.

    You’re really good with him, Leah told me.

    I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing, I admitted.

    I know you don’t, but you’re doing great, she said, a smile on her face. So what are you up to today?

    Um, I said, not sure how to answer her. She’d literally just had a baby, and the biggest thing I had to do that day was ride out to an island for a party at sunset. It was a weird moment. There’s this beach party that Max Winters is having.

    Leah nodded. Sounds fun.

    Yeah, I guess. So what are you up to? I asked, feeling like a dumbass as soon as the words were out of my mouth. I mean, do you get to go home today?

    I figured acting like I knew what the hell came next for her might make up for the fact that I didn’t have a clue. Leah was one of my best friends, and up until that moment, I’d barely asked her about the baby she’d been carrying. We’d carried on as normal while she’d been pregnant, me ignoring the fact, and her playing along. I kind of felt like a jerk for not being more interested, but I honestly didn’t know jack about kids.

    Not until tomorrow, so for now I’m just going to get used to having this little guy in my life.

    I’d looked down at Gavin who was sleeping peacefully, his little head covered by a blue and white striped beanie.

    He seems cool, I offered, and then I looked up at Leah. Are you scared?

    She nodded. Yes. I’m terrified.

    I nodded. I can imagine. This is kind of big.

    Yup. It’s sort of huge. She sighed. I’m glad you’re here, Phillip. It means a lot to me.

    I wouldn’t be anywhere else, I assured her.

    What is this? Kelsey asked a few minutes later when she walked in the door holding a cup of coffee. She blinked a few times. Phillip Lawton, are you actually holding a baby?

    He’s holding his godson, Leah piped up.

    My what? I asked, looking at her in surprise.

    Your godson, she repeated. I was going to ask you if you’d do it.

    Uh, okay. Sure. I guess. What does that mean exactly?

    Kelsey and Leah laughed as I wondered if I was even qualified for the job. I was pretty sure I wasn’t.

    Just be a part of his life, Leah said, like that explained everything. Since he doesn’t have a father, he’ll need someone to talk to about guy stuff.

    I looked at her in confusion. Like sex and condoms and girls?

    I looked down at the little guy in my arms, not able to picture him asking me about that kind of stuff.

    That probably won’t be the first things he asks about, but eventually, yeah. And before that, you can teach him about trucks and bugs and snakes.

    I narrowed my eyes at her. Right, because those are three things I know so much about.

    Leah smiled. Fine, you can teach him about skateboarding, surfing, and how to dress like a prep.

    I felt a corner of my mouth tug up. Yeah, okay. I can do that.

    Good, then it’s settled. You’ll be his godfather, and Kelsey is going to be his godmother.

    I looked over at Kelsey. Cool, we’re going to be godparents. I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that sex with each other is a part of that. How ‘bout it?

    Ugh, Kelsey said, making an over-exaggerated display of how much she didn’t want to sleep with me.

    I had to agree that the feeling was mutual. Even though Leah and I had messed around a few times over the years, we’d usually both been drunk and/or high, and there wasn’t anything behind it. Kelsey and I had never hooked up, and I wouldn’t have consciously pursued anything serious with either girl. There was too much between us, and our friendship was too important to me.

    Your loss, I told Kelsey, not looking over at Leah.

    Kelsey didn’t know we’d slept together a handful of times, and we weren’t planning on telling her. It was in the past anyway, and it wasn’t going to happen again. Leah had given up partying when she’d gotten pregnant. No more would I or any other guy drunkenly fall into her bed. She was a mom now, as evident by the tiny pink-faced creature in my arms.

    I was glad I wasn’t sober in that moment. I wasn’t sure I’d have been able to wrap my head around that reality, even if it wasn’t my reality. Everything was going to change for Leah, and we all knew it.

    Looking back, everything had changed for Leah that day, but true to form, she’d handled it all in stride. She really was the best mom, but she was also the best kind of friend.

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