The Aroha Process: Your Journey of Transformation to Create an Extraordinary Life

THE AROHA PROCESS

Your Journey of Transformation

to Create an Extraordinary Life

Grant Wattie

Executive Leadership Coach, Counselor,

Relationship Therapist

Aroha Publishers, NZ

P.O. Box 8290

Middle Road, Havelock North 4157

New Zealand

Copyright © 2016 Grant Wattie

First Edition

ISBN: 9781311345349

Editor:

Mary Jo Stresky

The Write MoJo Literary & Research Services

www.thewritemojo.com

Photo Credits:

Mary Jo Stresky

Grant Wattie

Two Eagles Photo

http://idesigniphone.com/two-eagles

Graphics:

Steve Maraboli Graphic

www.stevemaraboli.com

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the publisher and/or author of this book except for the purpose of a brief quotation in a review.

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only, and may not be resold or given away to other people. If you would like to share it with others, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Disclaimer

This book is strictly for informational and educational guidance and motivational purposes. The author and publisher disclaim any liability for the decisions you make based on the information contained herein, which is not meant as medical or legal advice, or psychological counseling. Nor is it intended to replace seeking the advice of a professional.

Neither the author nor the publisher shall be held liable or responsible to any person or entity with respect to any loss or incidental or consequential damages caused, or alleged to have been caused directly or indirectly by the information, advice or strategies contained herein as they may not be suitable for your own unique situation.

You, the reader, are responsible for your own choices and actions. The information contained within was written to help you make educated, well-informed decisions based on your own needs. Results will vary from person to person.

What People Are Saying About Grant Wattie…

I’m sitting on the train reading your book, and I have to say I’m enjoying it a lot as it resonates strongly with me. My ’ashes’ were directly related to those coping strategies that worked for me as a child, but didn’t work for me as an adult in the adult world (what a dense black, consumptive mass that is until you expose it to light). I find myself not being able to identify with turkeys any longer, but I’m not 100% an eagle either. Very much like Oscar I also fall back into turkey behavior at times, which is all too common in my ‘barnyard.’ I now prefer to hunt my own food and not be reliant on the farmer. Finally, the use of the diagrams to reveal and change Oscar’s perception of himself and his team are really cool.

Scott Andersen

ICT Governance, Risk and Compliance Manager/Thiess

WOW... what a book! Three wise words – passion, power and purpose – you've included are now the overarching possibilities for the life I create today and in the future. I’ve read many self-development books and attended many courses to find the Holy Grail of transformation. My past tells me I don’t know the answers or what to do (my usual act). I know I need to let that go, begin with a clean slate, and look into my heart for the answers. I also know my purpose is to make a difference in people's lives by being an inspiring ambassador. I was meant to meet you that day when, like Oscar, I got pushed out of the barnyard (which frightened both Oscar and myself!). So like Thomas, are you my mentor? Can you be my guide at this point on my crossroad?

Kirsten Benson

General Manager; Fonterra Co-operative Group, Ltd.

Grant has been mentoring me for nearly a year now, and has provided unbelievable insight and wisdom. His encouragement and positivity has helped increase my confidence and enter challenging territories that have allowed me to not only grow my business, but also to be more fulfilled in life. His depth and breadth of experience make him a very versatile coach to whom I can bring any problem and know I will be well taken care of.

Mary Engel, MBA/BA

The Management Coach; Founder and CEO, GPMI, Inc.

Grant talks about a ‘crucible event’ that wakes you up, which is when everything crumbles and a deep-seated feeling of ‘why am I doing this?’ emerges (that certainly happened to me). You try to convince yourself that what you’re doing is important and what you've always wanted. You may need the benefit of someone helping you make sense of and realign your life with who you really are, and to choose happiness over the ways you’ve measured and valued success. Grant is the man to provide that help. His book is an unusual mixture compared with others I’ve read. It makes sense, is easy to relate to, and it works! I highly recommend spending time with Grant as it’s a very free and honest experience that made all the difference to me. Don’t just take my word for it. As my partner said, Grant is a miracle worker!"

Robert Horner MBA

ERP Programme Manager

With Grant, I’ve always been at ease to freely discuss my doubts, fears and apprehensions and get clarity of thought. In spite of us being from different cultures, he could easily relate to the problem I was trying to solve. His depth and breadth of experience makes him a versatile coach to whom I can bring any problem and know I will be well taken care of.

Archana Sharma

Founder and Managing Director at Samvedna Senior Care

CONTENTS

Foreword

Preface

Introduction

The Elusive State of Happiness

The Paradigm of Being Extraordinary

Weltschmerz

The Five Steps to Overcoming Weltschmerz

Personal Transformation Through The Aroha Process

Breaking Free From a Life That No Longer Fits

Chapter 1: The Beginning of Your Voyage for Living an Extraordinary Life

My Storm of Awakening

The First Step to Becoming Extraordinary

Eliminating Restrictions to Performance

Chapter 2: Five Essential Traits of Being Extraordinary

1. Authenticity/Inauthenticity: The Perils of Being Fraudulent

Patterns of Unwanted Behavior

Patterns

The Benefits of a Pattern

The Costs of a Pattern

Patterns Are Triggered by Threats

Determining Your Patterns

The Benefits of Being Fake

2. Integrity

Integrity, Courage and Accountability

Integrity and Performance

3. Being Committed to a Purpose Bigger Than Yourself

How Do You Create a More Meaningful Life?

4. Commitment

Being the Mastermind of Your Life

Making a Commitment

Action

5. Relationships

Chapter 3: A Journey of Transformation and Self-Discovery (The Parable of Oscar – The Eagle Who Thought He Was a Turkey)

Discussion

The CARE Model for Extraordinary Transformation

The Three Core Elements (Stages)

Stage One: Awareness and Acceptance of Past Habits and Restrictions

Breaking Out of Your Cognitive Cage

Restrictions to Performance

Perceptual Restrictions

Habitual Restrictions

Chapter 4: Oscar Realizes He’s Different

Discussion

Applying the Transformational Paradigm to Your Life

Thirty-Four Questions to Transform Your Life into Passion, Power and Purpose

Chapter 5: Oscar Overcomes His Fear of Flying

Discussion

Taking a Leap of Faith in Spite of Myself

Taking Your Leap of Faith (Action)

Chapter 6: Oscar’s Commitment to Change

Becoming a Student

Oscar Learns the Foundations of Being Free as a Bird

Discussion

Why Bother Changing?

The Neuroscience Behind Changing Behavior

Envisioning the Future

The Self-Directed Learning Method

What Will it Take?

Chapter 7: Oscar Finds His Courage

Learning to See into the Future

Discussion

The Different Colors of Courage

Two Keys to Overcoming Fear and Generating More Courage

The Amygdala Hijack

The Functioning of the Amygdala

Misinterpreting the Problem

Amygdala Hijacks Limit Choice

Chapter 8: Oscar Develops Confidence

Stuck Between the Barnyard and the Sky

Oscar’s Confidence Grows

Discussion

Chapter 9: The Genesis of Oscar’s Transformation

Facing His Anxiety

Discussion

Stage Two: The Five Foundations of Being Authentic

Chapter 10: Oscar Rises from the Ashes

Discussion

The Story of the Phoenix

Chapter 11: Oscar Grows in Wisdom

Oscar’s Blind Spots

Oscar Seeks Wise Counsel

Discussion

Stage Three: The Future Experiential Contextual Framework

Chapter 12: Oscar’s Extraordinary, Purposeful Life

Chapter 13: The Power of Authentic Storytelling

Why is Storytelling So Important for Unlocking Your Potential?

Rites of Passage (ROP) in Storytelling Narratives

What You Resist Persists

How Do You Become Aware of the Stories That Govern Your Life?

You Become Your Thoughts When You Identify with Them

Mapping Your Story

How to Write Your Life Story (or Your Authentic Journey) in Six Words

Chapter 14: Creating Your Future Through the Power of Language

People Are Like Porcupines

The Tiger/Turtle Conflict Syndrome

Creating Your Future by Reinventing Yourself

Constructing Your Language Via Language

Language Comes in All Forms

The Barriers to Empathic Listening

Examples of What People Hear

Identify Your Filtered Listening

Language is Powerful

The Five Main Language Actions

Nine Antidotes to Ineffective Communication

Your Future Exists in Language

Chapter 15: Your Wakeup Call

Fragmented Role Patterns Learned in Childhood

A Tool to Remove Restricted Behavior

Case Study

A Method to Explain and Reshape Your Current Situation

Chapter 16: The Nuts and Bolts of Personal Transformation

Why Most Self-Development Programs Fail

Why Ontology?

The Characteristics of Being Extraordinary

Being on the Dance Floor, or Observing from the Audience

Chapter 17: Your Transformational Framework (How to Become As Free as a Bird!)

Ten Key Points to Living Authentically

Grant Wattie’s Manifesto (aka: The Art of Living Authentically)

Becoming Less Rigid and More Open to Change

Letting Go of Your Past

Thinking Outside the Box

The Nine Deadly Sins That Are Holding You Back

Chapter 18: Fact or Fiction (or Creating the Correct Perception)

The Power of Bias

Assumed Realities

Correctly Scripting Your Conscious Mind

Chapter 19: Why Are Relationships Important to Being Happy?

Life is Too Precious to Waste

Don’t Be a Lemming!

Conclusion and Action Steps

How Are Things Really?

Choosing the Life You Want

Identifying the Roles You Play in Your Life

Creating a New Future

Being Authentic

Integrity

Telling Your Story

References

Dedication

Acknowledgements

About the Author

About Aroha

FOREWORD

Grant Wattie and this book came into my life like a gift at exactly the right moment.

As a professional in my early forties I had found some success. But I still felt unfulfilled, as though I was along for the ride instead of driving. I wondered if it was a midlife crisis! Grant’s approach gave me the knowledge I needed to change my perspective and take back my future.

The concept of authenticity rang especially true because my life and work had forced me to wear some masks that were not consistent with my values. But I couldn’t see that before.

Also, the 3D Neuro-Simulation visual methodology allowed me to step back and take a bird’s-eye view – Oscar’s view from the sky – of my current situation and see more clearly how to change it.

The CARE framework is straightforward, accessible, and meaningful.

I’ve already started doing the exercises from the book. And while I’m perhaps not extraordinary yet, at least I now know I’m an eagle instead of a turkey.

Thank you, Grant!

Sonny Regelman

Sr. Director, Publishing Industry

PREFACE

Tēnā koutou! (Greetings!)

My name is Grant Wattie, and I’m a global coach, counselor and relationship therapist based in New Zealand. (I also specialize in executive leadership, but I’ll save that for my next book.)

The genesis of my personalized transformational program began after I founded the 2013 Global Women’s Leadership Summit with over 6,000 participants and 60 world-class presenters such as Cherie Blair, Marianne Williamson and John Gray.

One day I was reading a book by Anthony De Mello, a Jesuit and spiritual advisor, whose writings had become so controversial in the Catholic Church that they were banned by Cardinal Ratzinger. Unfortunately he mysteriously died at the height of his popularity at 56 years of age, so we were cheated out of more of his profound insights.

De Mello wrote, They’re born asleep, they live asleep, they marry in their sleep, they breed children in their sleep, they die in their sleep without ever waking up. His words were so inspirational that I was compelled to write about the outrage I felt about how people become trapped in inauthentic lives.

The Simplest Messages Are Often the Most Profound

Living an extraordinary life begins with waking up!

The paradox is though everything seems to be in a mess, all is well with the world. Tragically, most people never get to see that everything is going well because they’re sleep-walking through their life. In essence they’re living a nightmare because they’re just going through the motions.

During my lifelong search for the answer to the question of how to be happy and satisfied, I read hundreds of books and attended many courses on philosophy, psychology and human behavior.

The answer finally came to me in a deeply impactful way: For many people true insight is precipitated through a crucible event that wakes them up to reveal a hidden truth (it’s like being jolted awake with a glass of cold water tossed on their face).

Though my photography studio in Asia (which I discuss later in the book) was doing well, and the work was exciting, it was taking a terrible toll on our family. Juggling the demands of working overseas (often being gone four to six weeks at a time) between spending more time at home had proven to be very frustrating and difficult.

One day while driving in the car my daughter Rachel, who was six years old at the time, asked, Daddy, why do you go overseas all the time? I was completely stumped, and tried to think of a rational answer that would make sense to her. So I blurted out something stupid like, Well, so we can get more money.

"Why do you need more money?"

"To buy a bigger house and a new car."

"We already have a big house and a car."

"Maybe a beach house then?"

"Grandma and Granddad already have a beach house we can use."

I stopped because I was being outfoxed by a six-year-old. Defending my ego I asked her, Honey, why are you asking me these questions?

(I’ll never forget her answer) I don’t want any of those things – a new house, a new car. I just want you and Mum.

I told her I really wanted that too, and that I’d try to spend more time at home. In that pivotal moment it struck me like a lightning bolt that happiness was about spending time with the people I love, which is why I got married and had children in the first place.

I realized an entire lifetime is measured in moments of time stacked on top of each other like DVD movies. So when children fly the nest it’s too late to get those lost moments back. Too late to record memories of their sports games and music lessons. And too late to reassure them that they are beautiful and talented, and can become anyone and do anything they want.

In the end it comes down to what legacy I want to leave behind: A loving father and husband? Or a business person with lots of money and so-called success? That interaction with my very wise daughter was a major realization that I had to change my view of the world, and shift my values and beliefs. I hadn’t realized that I was