The Forgiving Strength of Protection

Chapter 1

"Aren’t you excited?"

Lila’s stomach dropped and sickeningly rolled, causing a fresh wave of nausea to rip through her insides.

This can’t be happening, Jesus.

She hesitantly looked to the ground as her brother expectantly stood by.

She would love to be able to respond by jumping up and down, and giving Eric a great big hug over this precious gift he was giving her, but it was ten months too late.

Lila’s gaze looked to the small rectangular admission ticket, no, she wouldn’t falsely do that.

Her painful heart twitched as she clearly saw Eric’s green eyes brighten with unrestrained thrill while he continued to prod her.

Aren’t you excited?

It is so kind of you Eric, and something I never expected. Nervously, Lila turned away as the desire to pour her bleeding heart out to him increased by each minute that passed. But it was pointless to even think about it, because she couldn’t tell him. And knowing that she couldn’t, made it a little more physically painful for her, because for the first time ever, she was acutely aware that Eric’s laughter and antics couldn’t help heal the wounds within her right now.

As they always had in the past.

These wounds ran way too deep, and were centered on the one person she had grown up defending to her brothers. A fact that still blatantly shocked her.

Her light eyes looked back down to the ticket, and she painfully swallowed. Oh, Jesus, how is this happening? I’m not ready to hear about this sport, let alone be an active participant in the stands.

Fighting back tears, Lila quickly consulted her Lord. But I am torn.

How can I possibly accept Eric’s gift, and decline to use it all in one comment, and still not sound ungrateful?

‘Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise: be thankful unto Him, and bless His name.’ (Psalm 100:4)

Praise Jesus, that’s what I will do, I will just simply thank him, and leave it at that. Thanking him didn’t mean I would have to use it, and I am thankful he thought about me like this.

Forcing a smile to her lips, Lila stepped back towards her always joyful brother. Eric, you are so thoughtful. Immediately embracing him, she further whispered. I love you so much. Thank you.

Hugging his sister, Eric laughed and patted her on the back, "Wow, didn’t think a simple ticket to your favorite baseball team’s game would do that to you. I know you have always loved baseball, but wow, what’s happened to you? Neither you, nor Tessa, were ever the ones to get emotional before. That was Heather’s knack."

Lila kept her eyes closed, and unable to speak, she hugged him a little harder and closer to her, while she spoke her Abba’s healing Words to her aching heart. ‘He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.’

Slightly confused by the clearly evident, warring emotions running through Lila, Eric couldn’t deny the pleasure his sister’s company always gave him, and he held her a little closer, while amusingly teasing her. "Don’t tell me. Wait. Nope, I bet I can guess, you have only been to forty-five games this year, and need to go to more, right?"

Lila quickly stepped back shaking her head, while her hands awkwardly fell to her side. No, nothing like that. I, uh, I haven’t been to a game since last year.

"What?! Eric frowned, That has got to be a world record! You must have definitely been busy, because that isn’t like you to not go to any games. You didn’t even go this season at home, when your favorite team visited?"

Help me, Holy Spirit, balance me. After turning away from Eric, Lila took another deep calming breath, No.

Eric laughed, Wow, this is a shocker. I definitely didn’t think I would be the first to get you a ticket this year. The season is already halfway over. Anyway, he smiled and winked at his wife as she wrapped her arms around his waist. It is just you, Bianca, Heather, Rawlings, and me going. We didn’t get a ticket for Tessa. I know how much she doesn’t like baseball. Which is the only thing you two do not have in common.

Absently, Lila nodded and forced another smile to her lips, as she finally looked at him over her shoulder. Yeah, Tessa definitely wouldn’t want to go.

Eric shook his head, still shocked by her declaration, while still oddly trying to reason out why she looked to be struggling with something. His eyes instinctively narrowed, automatically trying to see more than what Lila was willing to show him.

A few slightly awkward moments later, he finally spoke, I never thought Lila Lawrence would ever get too busy to not be able to go to a baseball game. His hands spread out and he motioned to her ticket, But now that confirms it. In the past, there is no way you wouldn’t have already gone to a game this season, so you really have been too busy to do much. You know, though, I was really shocked when you missed Heather’s wedding, and Tessa showed up all alone. I think that is the first time I have ever seen you and Tessa separated by more than a town. But I must say, she didn’t look comfortable without you right beside her, and none of us were surprised when she rushed out of there, right after the ceremony.

Lila’s hand unconsciously fell to her knotting abdomen, not saying a word. Not at all surprised when her brother’s tender prodding turned into a delicate, but strategic inquisition. And although Lila desperately wanted to confide in him, she again got the impression of Jesus covering her mouth as the words ‘it isn’t time’ waved through her.

Bianca sweetly smiled, and kissed her husband. Well, I guess I will be buying Heather an infamous ballpark hot dog tonight. Her eyes sparkled, Heather was right, you could not wait, could you honey? And here Heather suggested that we all just surprise her by showing up there.

Eric chuckled, Nope, its better this way. You knew I would have to give the ticket to Lila as soon as I saw her. He shrugged, I mean, I’m sure she needs some notice to let her know how to dress, and since we only have four hours until game time, now is the perfect time.

Their words finally pierced Lila’s tumultuous mind, and suddenly the room began to spin. And while it felt like her eyes were popping out of her head, Lila whipped around. "Four hours? The game is tonight?"

Giving her a strange look, Eric nodded. "Well, yeah. He pointed to the ticket in her hand, Didn’t you read it? You said you didn’t have to work tonight when we last spoke on the phone. So... what could possibly be the matter? His eyes narrowed with precision, while his voice protectively questioned. Do you already have a date... tonight?"

Bianca shot Eric a poignant look. Oh no, don’t tell me... Exhaustively tired over this very subject, she closed her eyes and impatiently waited, please, not the overly protective, you can’t date my sister look and sound again. Help him, Jesus. Please give him strength if Lila is dating someone.

Lila swallowed with difficulty, and glared at the baseball ticket she held in her shaking hands. She wouldn’t, and couldn’t lie, because there is no way she would consciously look away from Jesus.

Her heart’s jagged edges intensified when she thought on the devastating results choosing to lie could have on her deepening relationship with Him.

And there is no excuse I can give to Eric. I’m stuck.

A tiny strength of confidence seemed to leak from her very core, and she found herself automatically correcting her thought. I am stuck in you, Jesus, a beautiful place to be. She turned back to Eric, Uh, no. I-I told you that I was keeping today free for you, I-I was just a little surprised, is all. She hesitantly smiled and shrugged, I wasn’t expecting to be out this long. And...

Visibly swallowing, her eyes widened the exact moment the reality of her situation quickly sunk in, accompanied by a long list of all of the things she would have to do in order to prepare to be able to be gone longer than expected. Lila nervously shifted on her feet. Since we will be gone longer than expected, I really do need to get back to where we’re staying at. If it is alright with you, I can have Tessa drop me off at one of the gates, and then meet you inside. Grabbing her purse from the nearby couch, she absently turned back to them, Is that all right? I just wasn’t prepared, and there are some things that I need to see to first.

Eric smiled, Yeah, sure. No problem. Of course you need to talk it over with Tessa. He laughed, At least you two are able to keep tabs on each other, because none of us in the family are too successful in getting a hold of either one of you.

Not even countering with a response, Lila quickly turned away. And after swiftly texting her sister their pickup code, she was very shocked when her sister immediately responded by telling her she was already sitting around the corner.

Healing relief instantly filled her, you surely sustain my moments, Jesus. You knew I would have need of Tessa, and so you led her to remain nearby. Smiling to Eric and Bianca, Lila hugged and kissed them. I’ve got to go now. I’ll see you both later, okay?

Yeah, okay. Just take your ticket and message me when you get to the park.

Okay. Lila hurried out the door and down the steps, not calmly breathing until she was finally sitting in the passenger seat of her sister’s car, fully buckled up, with her sister safely pulling away.

Blowing out her breath, Lila’s head fell back against the headrest.

Tessa laughed at her sister’s overwhelming expression. "Don’t tell me, Eric did what I highly suspected, and expected, him to do. He interrogated you over what vehicle you were driving, because he didn’t actually see you pull into his apartment parking lot, and then, in secret, he wanted to know so that he could tail you, or I, to make sure we are fully protected. And then an argument ensued, and he continued to put you on the spot, so you ran out, because you can’t lie?"

Swallowing the emotional lump rising in her throat, Lila sadly shook her head no. If only that was the case.

Tessa’s eyes sympathetically narrowed. Then what’s wrong? I wasn’t expecting you to be done spending time with them for another two hours or so.

She casually lifted up her shoulder, and while they were sitting at a red light, Lila slowly held up her ticket for her sister to see. A gift from Eric, Heather, and their significant others.

Tessa sputtered with her eyes widening, and trying desperately to keep her voice down, she groaned and emphatically whispered, "A baseball game... T-tonight?!"

Still shocked by it all, Lila sadly nodded as a few tears escaped. They are so thoughtful.

"Oh honey, just last night you told me you didn’t think you could ever see a game on TV, let alone go to one. What are you going to do? Lila’s hopeless shrug had Tessa’s jaw tightening, and when the light turned green, Tessa continued on down the street, while confidently saying, You know what? Forget it. I know what we are going to do."

Stifling her yawn, Lila exhaustingly looked over to Tessa. What?

Leave.

After a long silence ensued, Tessa glanced back to her sister, "We don’t need to be here. We were just supposed to come here and let Eric and Heather, both, physically see us. Then we were to leave again, remember?"

I know, but... I can’t keep running from them. I just, Looking out her window, Lila tried to explain, "I can’t get over this feeling. I know I am here to finally tell them, and why I am to tell them before Mom and Dad, well, I just don’t know, nor do I need to know. But, nevertheless, I am here and need to be." I only trust in you, Jesus. Please, give me strength to obediently continue on.

Tessa heavily sighed, You keep telling me the Lord is leading us here, but are you sure? Her eyes quickly darted to her sister’s. Hon, it sure doesn’t seem that way to me. Why would He lead you into trouble after trouble, after all that you have been going through? You aren’t ready for this. You aren’t ready for any of this.

And the crucial words, You aren’t even fully well, although not vocalized, candidly hung in the air between them.

Changing lanes, Tessa again looked to her rearview mirror, and then continued to plead their case to her unusually stubborn sister. "Lila, I’m so sorry to say this, but can’t you see it is wrong for us to be here right now? Come on, I clearly see the warning signs. They’re flashing overly bright and very, in-your-face, loud. Especially with that ticket in your hand that you are almost crumbling up."

Lila slammed the ticket in her lap, finally letting go of the offending thing.

Tessa frowned, and as the frustration continued to claw its way through her, her teeth actually hurt from bearing down in anger. Hon, this really isn’t good for you, at least not yet. And, remember, it isn’t just you, you need to think about here.

When her sister didn’t respond, but instead uncharacteristically held back, Tessa screamed within. She isn’t well, Lord. Look at her! Gripping the steering wheel with renewed force, Tessa made an unnecessary right, and again checked behind her to make sure her brother, nor one of his men, were tailing them.

Tessa’s eyes narrowed to her steering wheel, this is so difficult! Why can’t she see that this is all wrong?! Concentrating on relaxing her fingers from their harsh grip on the wheel, and at the same time feeling completely deflated, Tessa quietly spoke, knowing that would be the only way to possibly get through to Lila. I’m sorry, Lila. I’m just so concerned for you. Obviously, by us traveling alone with no one tailing us, you didn’t even tell Eric a tiny bit of what you have been through, and that means the Lord hasn’t given you the words to speak about any of it yet, has He?

Lila sadly shook her head no.

Then that settles it! Tessa deftly switched lanes and made a U-turn, while her voice spoke with finality, No game. We are leaving town, and going back home.

Chapter 2

No game. No game.

Despite her mind, emotions, and feelings collectively experiencing the healing relief of what those two words meant to her, Lila vigorously shook her head while clearing her throat. No, Tessa. We can’t leave.

Tessa fumed, Why can’t we?

Lila frowned, I told you that I need to be here, the Lord has led us here. And it is no surprise to me the words to tell Eric didn’t come, I couldn’t even imagine that happening. It is as though the Lord will not let the words be present, nor will He allow me to dwell on them, because at the same time there is this small understanding present within me, letting me know that the Holy Spirit will provide those words, right when I need them to be there. Jesus even gave me an image of Him intently covering my mouth, when my thoughts even tried to open myself up to speak to Eric about what I have been through. Jesus is shepherding me in ways I can’t understand, and that is alright. My trust lies with Jesus, and not with myself.

Despite the very evident frustration on Tessa’s face, Lila’s facial expression softened even more as she turned to praising her Shepherd. Jesus, so much of my life is being actively controlled by you that I am still stunned by the radical change in our relationship. It is a deepening relationship actively alive, flourishing, and hinting at so much more. But I just want to drive all of what I know into Tessa, so she can experience it, too.

From deep within, Lila felt herself plead, why is it that I can barely explain it to her? And just trying to put into words what I’m experiencing with you, seems to lessen the experience somehow? It is like I can’t even vocalize it. There are no words to describe it, but at the same time I want to tell Tessa every tiny feeling, utterance, change, thought, word, but I can’t even fully explain it to myself, let alone to another person. I want so badly for her to feel what I feel, then she could see it, understand it, and grow even more in you. As I am.

Her heart achingly beat, so we can grow together as we always have.

As Lila’s gaze traveled back to her sister, she inwardly cried, but only you, Holy Spirit, can reveal truths to her, and change her. She needs to drink from her own well from deep within...

Lila’s thoughts unexpectedly unraveled a new revelation, and she found herself shocked by what she suddenly understood, seemingly out of nowhere. Tessa can’t drink fully from my well, can she? I see that now. We accepted you as our Savior together, and we were even baptized together, but this is something we must do separately. There is still just way too much clutter, and blocks within Tessa, but you will lead her to the well, deep within herself, bringing to life the Mystery of the Gospel, and the beautiful, precious secret of actively acknowledging you in all aspects of her life.

Only you can cleanse and heal our communication network with you, because we are all uniquely and wonderfully made. And so you are leading her in exactly how she needs led, to her own deep well within. Jesus, it amazes me how your relationship with each of us is perfectly secret, and one of a kind, but yet still lines up perfectly up with our Abba’s Holy Word.

As the feeling of fresh, warm oil flowed over her heart, encompassing it, Lila lovingly looked back to her sister, and she suddenly knew what needed to be said. Tessa, back there, right in front of Eric, I found out that I was wrong. It is not just waiting on the right words from the Lord, but it is also waiting on His time. The Lord is holding me back for now. She stared at her lap, "At least He had been this afternoon. Tonight... Lila shrugged, I’m not sure, and it doesn’t really matter if I know, or not, because He will guide me for the moment thereof, in the moment therein. And, besides, we can’t leave, don’t forget we both have modeling jobs here."

Like I really care about that! A drive to protect Lila outweighed all other things in her life, and Tessa sharply shook her head. "Oh, no, those jobs aren’t important, not as important as you are. And there is no way you will be able to do that one job, either. If we have to stay, then I will do it." Tessa’s heart tightened even more when she glanced at her sister and saw how weak and pale she still looked. With each passing day, instead of looking stronger, as she should, Lila looked even weaker.

No, Tessa. You’ve already done so much for us. It is my assignment, and I need to do it. Besides, giggling, to try and ease the sudden tension hanging between them, Lila tenderly smiled, All I have to do for that job is sit and smile. It is a dental teeth whitening poster. My face won’t even be fully on it, so my overly exposed, lack of sleep eyes won’t even be seen. Her eyebrows wiggled, So how about that for a perfect assignment?

Not at all amused, Tessa shot her sister an aggravated look. "Lila, stop it. Your lack of sleep is nothing to laugh about. And furthermore, you know I can easily fill in for you, being identical twins sure has its advantages. But not even that matters, because we still have other jobs lined up, and if it means we have to regretfully decline these ones at the last minute, then we pay the fee, and... So be it, we leave. Her gut tightened with deep concern for her sister. I was right this morning, when I questioned you. You really didn’t sleep again last night, did you?"

At Lila’s hesitation, Tessa’s eyes seared back at the road ahead, "And so, think about it, Lila, do you really think that staying here, and subjecting yourself to that ticket with Eric will be the smartest thing to do?" This game was the very last thing her sister needed! To be put on the spot, and in an environment that she definitely wasn’t ready to handle, nor could she handle, was just unthinkable! Jesus, if you really do hear our prayers, and are an active part of our lives, as she keeps saying you are, help us, we need you!

A few minutes later, with Lila still claiming that she was going to the game, Tessa’s frustration boiled over and she loudly screamed within, don’t you hear me? Jesus, please help her! Do what you do, and tell her not to go, tell her we need to leave! Do something!!

Tessa emphatically cleared her throat when nothing changed, and after a few more seconds, her grip whitened on the steering wheel. I care too much for my sister to let this happen. And so, it must mean that it is up to me to do something. Lila, I’m going to be straight with you. You still don’t look well, in fact you look worse than you did yesterday. Maybe we should just go to the doctor before we leave town, it won’t hurt. In fact, instead of going to the game, you need to be going to the doctor.

Lila frowned, "No, Tessa. I am fine. These things take time, besides, a sparkle lit her eye. I am not the first woman to go through what I’ve been through."

But her words fell between them, carrying no weight at all, and her disappointment clawed through her when she witnessed Tessa’s humorless reaction.

Lila sadly looked out her window, Jesus, maybe Tessa is right, are you leading her to tell me these things? Can we just leave, without having to fully explain it to Eric, and... Her light blue eyes wandered back down to the ticket, and right away she closed herself off from the pain she was actively feeling. No, Tessa is right! I can’t go. What was I even contemplating?! How can I not realize the fact that this ticket is already causing a rift between us? She and Tessa had never argued this much in their whole life! They had always seen eye-to-eye.

In emotional pain, her lungs seemed to close off her airways, and her stomach nauseously rolled. This was definitely proof that she shouldn’t go. The signs were all there. In fact, this was the very thing they had spoken about, at length, just last night. Jesus, just because I have the opportunity doesn’t mean I have to take it, because I know I am not ready to do this. I can’t even talk to my brother, Eric, about what we have been going through. That should strongly confirm to me that it really isn’t time to do this.

Lila’s resolve thickened, and her jaw tightened. They would leave, and she wouldn’t go to the crazy, silly game. End of story!

Closing her eyes, Lila continued to rub her aching temples, finding herself unable to dislodge the impression and questions racing through her: If she wasn’t to go, then why didn’t the Lord give her the words to speak what needed to be said at the time she was with Eric, which would have had her turning down the offer? Why didn’t He close off her hands, not allowing her to accept this retched thing, as He had attentively done with her mouth?

And as if that wasn’t enough, Lila’s attention was suddenly drawn to her sister, taking an extraordinarily long amount of time dodging this way and that way through traffic, trying to shake off a tail just in case their brother had put one on them. Which is another painful reminder of our dwindling funds, because driving around more than they necessarily needed to, was just more money going out.

The wastefulness of the liquid gold, gas, to do such a thing, was not even worth it. Which brought her thoughts around to the modeling jobs they had made a commitment to fulfill.

Regardless of what Tessa was saying, they needed those jobs, every single one of them. And not only that, but a commitment had already been made. They needed to honor those commitments, thereby honoring God, because they were respectable commitments.

And Lila could not ignore the remembrance of what she had emotionally and powerfully went through, with the Lord, in order to fully commit herself to that specific job, while not feeling well in the flesh. It had been a powerful step in complete trust, because everything in the flesh had spoken to her against doing such a thing.

It had been a Divine decision... And although I still don’t understand it, Lila painfully swallowed, I can’t dismiss the experience. And she most definitely couldn’t allow more money to be spent on her, and that was why Tessa’s suggestion of going to a doctor was completely out of the question!

Anger tried to grip a hold of Lila while her mind continued to battle boggled down issues and uncertainties vying for attention. She silently rubbed her tired eyes, it is always one problem creating another, and another, while more issues, after issues added on top of the others...

Her heart ached in a whole new way, forcing her to inwardly cry out to her Savior. Jesus, when will it finally stop?! I have done all I can to strengthen my commitment to you, I continue to obediently wait for your direction. I am amazed at the major changes that have taken place deep within me, but nothing in my physical world is changing for the better. Her head started spinning, and Lila instantly became overwhelmed by all that was bearing down on her, causing her mind to beg, what can I do, Lord? I’m stuck, with no direction to turn to. I’m too sick, and I can’t seem to...

No, this isn’t it, this is the wrong way... A tender smile broke the surface while Lila immediately took control over her wayward mind and body. Immediately, she envisioned her head tiredly resting against her Shepherd, while she continued to force her body to deeply, and very slowly, inhale and exhale. Praise you, my Jesus. I am sorry, I turned away from you. I looked towards the problems without your direction, and the Holy Spirit has blessed me with being sensitive to the subtle shift of my focus, so I may recognize the wrongness of it. Please forgive me, my Jesus, I am the one who brought the added pain to myself, which then causes you pain.

Her eyes sparkled, I am growing stronger as I take each step with you, on our narrow path together, and with your limitless direction, I will no longer dwell in a harsh environment of letting issues, problems, and uncertainties eat me up, as I had in the past.

Lila closed her eyes, and took a deep, steadying breath, visualizing the Sacrificial Blood of the Lamb pouring over her. Her head fell against her Savior’s chest. Praise you, Jesus. Only you can lead me. I humbly bow, my Lord, my Savior, and I wait. Please, raise me above this new issue, over this game. It is shocking and new to me, but not to you. You knew I would receive this gift today, so lead me where I need to be. I praise you for providing for us, and for continuing to break down every single aspect of my life so that my Abba truly becomes my Sole-Provider in all things. Please continue to secure me, Holy Spirit, so that Jesus remains being the only One I look to!

And for my sister, she has been so wonderful, and so supportive. I love her so much, and would do anything for her! Praise you that we have each other, and for your perfect design with me being able to have such a strong bond with her. Tessa, alone, is testament that you provide all we need before we have need of it. We were brought into existence within the womb together, and we were born inseparable, and we are always there for each other.

Lila’s eyes endearingly looked between her and her sister, not at all shocked that their hands were interlocked. Their hands have always seemed to automatically join together, of their own accord, whenever their lives seemed so unsure to either one of them. It has always been this way, the stronger the problems, the stronger their grips on each other.

For us, our presences together have always been enough provision to see us through anything.

Their unique bond, privately known and experienced without words, was always there, present, active and alive, waiting on them to actively receive what they needed from each other.

Her heart preciously squeezed within her chest the moment Tessa lovingly squeezed her hand just a tad bit tighter. Her sister was letting her know so much in just that one simple movement, and acknowledgement, while they continued to sit quietly in the car together, physically connected, with tears rolling down both of their faces.

What affects me, affects her. And what affects her, affects me.

Lila smiled, a physical representation of how you have become with me, my Jesus. But amazingly, you are even closer to me, more than anyone else ever could be. More than what even Tessa is, and has always been. Is this why you have been showing me that, and instructing me in it, even more? Is this why it seems that my Abba’s Holy Words have seemed geared towards reminding me of His limitless provision?

You are within me, my Jesus, closer than a sister, and that is Abba’s perfect design.

Her heart delicately moved by that declaration. He loves me so much, and wants more for me than I could ever possibly imagine...

Nourishment. Unable to be described as anything other than that, a secure feeling began to unexplainably flow into her and through her, from deep within, but at the same time Lila also became overly aware of the beginnings of a slight separation growing between her and her sister.

Her eyes rounded and she looked to their joined hands.

Blinking several times, Lila tried to dislodge the impression of the thinnest bit of thread suddenly appearing and resting between her sister’s hand and hers, which had always represented their physical lifeline to each other.

A rising panic surfaced, causing her already shredded heart to harshly fall within her chest. Inwardly, Lila screamed, no, please, please... Jesus, no! We can’t be apart! Not now, anything but this... No, no way!

‘It is you standing before me. Not you, two, standing before me.’

Shocked to the very core by the vibrant, powerful Words clearly impressed upon her, which vibrated with Divine authority through every single one of her cells, Lila physically squeezed her sister’s hand even tighter, not able, nor willing, to let go of what her mind screamed that she desperately needed. Lila’s whole body felt like it was falling apart, and being ripped into a thousand pieces, heart and mind included, by that single thinnest bit of thread.

But for the first time ever, as her sister’s hand responsively tightened over hers, Lila found herself unable to look towards Tessa. The word, obedience, began to flow through her, locking her focus on what was inwardly happening.

‘Look to Jesus.’

Lila closed her eyes, she knew what was transpiring and she desperately cried, no Jesus, this can’t happen yet. I’m not well enough to deal with this, please wait. I need more time, I need...

‘Jesus needs all of you. At the point of sacrificing is the point of healing.’

Lila froze, and as if in a dream, there was no holding back the utterances pushing through her as she spiritually voiced what her mind could not fathom, I don’t need to understand why. At the same time Lila’s declaration was thought, something unexplainable continued to keep her firmly upright, as a thick, healing warmth and richness surrounded her. And as she exhaustingly continued to focus only on Jesus holding her, Lila got the distinct impression of Him lovingly smiling at her. Then she clearly saw His beautifully scarred hand holding her tightly, while His other one reached for her hand that her sister held.

Lila inwardly responded, you are my Shepherd, I am no longer my own shepherd. I will not be moved, because you sustain me, and I don’t want to have this happen, because it will only cause me and my sister more pain, but nevertheless, not my will be done, but only yours, my Abba. ‘For you healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.’

As if by a mutual agreement spoken between them, Tessa and Lila, together, released each other’s hands.

Lila swallowed with difficulty, you love her more than I ever could, Jesus. And no one can release your hold on her, it is that fiercely tight and secure. You hear my prayers, in fact, they are your prayers for her, which you are allowing me to manifest by having the Holy Spirit guide me to pray our Abba’s will. You want Tessa to fully recognize you in every moment, as you have taught me to do, and I want so badly to make her get it, but I can’t. Only you can reveal those precious moments with her.

And you will, she smiled, you are.

The process begins even when we are in the womb, and Abba’s countenance is specifically turned towards us. Then upon accepting you as our Savior, fully coated in the Sacrificial Blood of the Lamb, we begin to consciously become aware of it. We just tend to recognize it at different stages, in different ways, and definitely in different times. The only similarity... It lines up perfectly with your Holy Word, which is another amazing, confirming miracle, in and of itself.

Even if we don’t recognize it, or refuse to, it is still there, present, active, and alive.

Her heart laboriously cried while Lila looked back over to her beloved twin sister. I’m letting go of you, Tessa. I need to, in order for you to more fully grasp a hold of Jesus.

Jesus, I have released her back to you, only you can fully protect her. Guide Tessa, instruct her, and may she receive the deep, soul-searing love you have for her. May you cleanse each tiny opening that arises between you two, so that she can experience you in a greater way. May you secure Tessa, Abba, by your loving, Holy Spirit. Only you can make her whole, in how she needs to be, and that is your greatest desire, so Amen... let it be so!

An unusual firmness rose within Lila, and she even straightened in her seat. Likewise, you love me more than anyone else ever could, and you are all that truly matters. Regardless of what I will face at this game, it is you leading me, and guiding me there. You are my Shepherd, and my Healer. I live moment by moment in you, and I refuse to look past you, or away from you. I have just experienced the pain and harsh effects of doing so. Thank you for using my mistake of turning away from you, a few moments ago, as a reminder to me, and thank you that I am fully secure, fully coated, fully nourished, and fully able to follow you.

Lila turned in her seat to confront her sister, as a new Divine confidence continued to be fed to her, from deep within. Tessa. You can stop shaking off a tail that isn’t there. We will go back to where we are staying, and I will get ready for the game. Then if you would, I need you to drop me off at the park. Turning back around, Lila unseeingly stared straight ahead.

I just spoke with authority!

And Tessa’s shocked expression confirmed that. This amazes me, Abba. My voice uncharacteristically spoke with such strength and vitality that it is causing even my sister to obey, while a tiny portion of my mind still feels to be like a jelly mess trying to rally in defense of what my spirit is leading me to do. A soft smile in understanding surfaced, you are leading my spirit.

That simple truth gave her more confidence than she would have ever thought possible. It also firmly ruled over the long list of reasons her mind was listing, as to why she had no business going to the game, let alone staying here, where she would only probably end up hurting her brother even more.

Tessa, I can hardly believe it, but I’m actually going to a game, again.

Lila’s eyes felt like an open vessel as she spiritually gazed at her Beloved. How can this be? I just spoke words alien to my rational mind, and yet they were not said with a weakening resolve, nor questionable confidence, but there had been a confident finality ringing in its tone, and not to mention that tiny excitement sneaking in and leaking out.

‘Confidence is a gift experienced through a committed relationship.’

Amen! By actively refusing to accept anything not of Jesus, nor anything that did not glorify Abba, I reinforced my commitment to you. Her breath seemed to flow extra sweet and clearer through her, yes, it was my free-will choice, but my Jesus, I no longer can breathe, nor continue standing upright without your constant reign within me, and within every aspect of what is now our healed life together. Wonderment filled her as the realization finally dawned on her. You safeguard me, Holy Spirit, in how I need to be. And I just experienced that in a new way. Praise Jesus.

I will not step out of dwelling with you, my Jesus, and my Abba, because you meticulously safeguard me, Holy Spirit!

Watching her sister pull into the exclusive, and secure parking garage of the huge apartment building, Lila smiled. Jesus, I am fully yours, so carry me where I need to go, my Beloved. May I only see what you need and desire me to see, my Jesus.

Chapter 3

Breathing deeply, Lila hesitantly smiled while her eyes tried to digest all that she was seeing, and her nose enthusiastically took in all of the various smells of an actively fun, fan-loving ballpark. Smiles radiated from everyone’s faces that she saw, with kids excitedly tugging on their parents’ arms to hurry up while eagerly pointing straight ahead.

Lila knew the direction they were headed. To that specific wall, to see if a picture of their favorite player would be displayed there, up high, where each starting player in today’s game was hung.

She always had a soft spot for this particular park, and no matter how many parks she had been to, this one, for some unknown reason, had always given her so much enjoyment.

Thanking the attendant, Lila smiled. Moment by moment in you, Jesus.

And right now, in this specific moment in time, I am openly enjoying walking through my favorite entrance.

It was the first one she had ever entered through at this particular park, and although she knew her brother actually preferred to enter through the main entrance, this one was just perfect for her. But it really didn’t matter which entrance you stepped through, because all the way around the park everything was so picture perfect, clean, and with bright lights, your eyes found themselves eagerly craving to watch a ballgame.

Lila would never forget the time, a few years ago, when a game she was here to see had been delayed because of the weather. Instead of getting frustrated, she had taken the time to just walk around, checking everything out, and she had been quite amazed by all that she had seen. There were so many different activities they allowed their fans and families to participate in. This park was definitely built from an enthusiastic fan’s perspective, no other word described it other than, it was a fan’s ballpark.

Had I gotten frustrated and left, I would not have been able to see the blessings. A sense of awe waved through her, only you, Jesus, can so effectively keep frustration at bay. You surely were in all of the tiny details of my life, Jesus, even when I wasn’t aware of it. I had wrongly seen it as me just being me, but it was you guiding me, allowing me to know that you were right there within me.

Her eyes momentarily closed. Praise you, Jesus, I surely needed to know that right now. You actively safeguarded me over not being able to get easily frustrated. My mom and dad’s prayers and praises to you, for establishing a personally intimate relationship with me, was answered from the first. You knew me, even in my mother’s womb, and they had actually prayed your will for my life, Abba. Please remind me to thank them, when you do lead me to finally see them again.

And after all of these years, why am I just now recognizing that?

Continuing to walk forward, Lila amusingly shook her head. It is because I now hear my Lord and Savior more clearly while I actively live in His presence, and your instruction, Holy Spirit, is so thorough.

Stopping off to the side, Lila adjusted her water bottles in her backpack, which had been shifted from security searching through it, and then put it more securely on her back. At the same time, her eyes unerringly sparkled, and another rush of elation filled her. Praise you, Jesus! It has been so long since I have experienced this! I already feel so much better. I really needed this, Jesus, didn’t I?

‘Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise: be thankful unto Him, and bless His name.’ (Psalm 100:4)

The beautiful scripture that helped me earlier today with Eric. In my limited mind, I thought you were reminding me of it, only to help me in dealing with my brother over this ticket, and I must admit, I was a little put out when I realized I would still have to attend this game. But, again, I am being reminded that you are limitless.

I am limited, but you are not, and praising you through all things is the only way true freedom and healing can be experienced.

Her physical gaze took in her festive surroundings, while a renewed sense of excitement, which had been dormant for so long, snuck out, and gripped her nerves as they tingled their way through her system. After all of the countless, useless days and nights of strategically shoving, and eradicating all thoughts towards baseball out of her head, here she was...

Standing in a ballpark, about to watch a ballgame, not on television, but live, and in-person. You are allowing me to physically experience this as I needed to, like a soothing balm flowing over me. This is the complete opposite of what my mind thought it would be like.

Her breath caught... I am actively being healed. Her hand flew to her chest, it was my limited thoughts uselessly stabbing me, and painfully grinding me against the harshness of what I had wrongly anticipated I would physically feel. Oh my Jesus, I surely do not know myself. I can clearly see it now! All my talks with Tessa, and all of my reiterations to even myself... I had been wrongly trying to protect myself from, and prepare myself for something that was never going to be an issue for me, because you had it ‘well in hand.’

I really don’t know what I need, but you do! And only you can thoroughly prepare and protect me.

Experiencing all of this right now, clearly shows me so much right now. This is another dimension on what it means to...

‘Step forward in faith.’

Amen. But I’m just following you, my Jesus! You even gave me the confidence to do this! As I said earlier in the car, I no longer can breathe, nor continue standing upright without your constant reign within me, and within every aspect of what is now our life together. I-I didn’t know what to do, and so I did what I had been taught to do as a little girl. I turned to you. Her heart felt so full of love, which was specifically directed towards Him as she continued to spiritually praise Him. You have done all the work, I just turned to you, and...

Her eyes lifted unseeingly to the lights. I receive from you, what I have need of.

In shock, her breath was held back, I am learning even more that only you can provide for me, because the path I now walk has run directly through, and is now behind your Beloved cross, a beautiful Divinely made, Shield of Faith. Your cross is upon me. It is the