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    Three Hundred Prize-Winning Limericks
    Three Hundred Prize-Winning Limericks
    Three Hundred Prize-Winning Limericks
    Ebook125 pages1 hour

    Three Hundred Prize-Winning Limericks

    By Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

    ()

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    About this ebook

    This is a compilation of three hundred limericks, all of which are original. Each one is numbered. After each one a short commentary has been attached to explain features of the limerick – to any allusion in it which is not obvious, or to places mentioned, or to explain pronunciations which might be unclear, or to explain words which are unusual. The metre of each verse is indicated by using bold type for the stressed syllables.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherEbenezer Jackson-Firefly
    Release dateFeb 29, 2016
    ISBN9781311245908
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      Book preview

      Three Hundred Prize-Winning Limericks - Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

      Three Hundred Prize-Winning Limericks

      By Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

      Copyright 2016 Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly

      Smashwords Edition

      COPYRIGHT: This book should not really be copied without the permission of Mr. Jackson-Firefly as he is living in dire poverty, subsisting on a crust of stale bread and two cups of sugarless and milkless tea a day, and he relies on the income from this collection of his verses to keep his larder stocked with the aforementioned stale bread and tea and empty packets of sugar and empty bottles of milk.

      Cover text: Three Hundred Prize-Winning Limericks / Awarded first prize by Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly to Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly in the Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly Limerick-Writing Contest / 30 February 2106 / We would like to thank two large tomatoes, one small mandarin orange and various walnut kernels for volunteering to take part in producing this fine book cover / (Also a greenish running shirt for offering to serve as the background.) / Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly / A limerick writer called Eb / Writes books you can find on the web. / Each volume’s homespun. / This one was begun / In Oct and was finished in Feb. / Recommendations / Frightfully good (Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly) (no relation to the author) / Frightful (Anonymous).

      CONTENTS

      INTRODUCTION

      LIMERICKS x001-x100

      LIMERICKS x101-x200

      LIMERICKS x201-x300

      INTRODUCTION

      This is the second volume of original limerick verses by the prominent limerickist Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly. His first book of them, Three Hundred New, New, New Limericks, met with great critical acclaim (or would have done if anybody had bothered to read them.) This second poetic publication will likewise have much praise heaped upon it.

      Up until recently Ebenezer Jackson-Firefly had been a humble writer of joke books, and in the field of humour he shone like a bright star. From there he ventured into the domain of the poetic arts, but he will not stop here.

      He already has a new vocation for his talents. His next venture in his quest to make a profitable living will be as a purveyor of scrap metal, and having made his mark in that realm of business he intends to become a keeper of a secure compound for parked cars. When air travellers need to leave their vehicles parked in some safe haven as they spend time in foreign lands they need peace of mind that the vehicles are safely stored. Although Ebenezer has no such compound, he is certain that an old coal tip by a vandalised abandoned mine that he has located near his home could be a good place to park cars.

      The limericks of Jackson-Firefly are certain to stand the test of time and will be studied in decades to come at schools, colleges and universities around the world (if the English language resists the onslaught of Arabic, Chinese and Latin).

      And that’s it. Some limericks are followed by short commentaries which may or may not be interesting or useful or necessary. Some limericks are cheerful, some melancholic. The import of some is as clear as crystal. For others it is somewhat enigmatic. And I might modestly say, on behalf of the author, that some are excellent (The others less so). The Editor.

      LIMERICKS x001-x100

      2x001

      When Noah filled up his great Ark

      He was asked by a ravenous shark

      For any spare beast

      Well, sick or deceased

      He saw fit to make disembark.

      Noah is, of course, the Biblical figure who built a big boat. We know that, according to the tale, he took on board, along with his family, animals of every species in order to survive the Flood (Genesis 5–9). But we don’t know if he fed the sharks as requested.

      2x002

      An Australian man from Dalkeith

      Was startled to find he’d no teeth

      He’d had quite a few

      On his jaws thirty-two

      But now nothing above nor beneath.

      Dalkeith (from Scottish Gaelic Dail Cheith) is a town in Midlothian council area (Scots: Midlowden, Scottish Gaelic: Meadhan Lodainn), in Scotland. It is situated on the River Esk (Scottish Gaelic: Easg). Dalkeith is also a suburb of Perth in Australia. The man is surprised to find he no longer has any teeth.

      2x003

      A mare by the name of Big Beth

      Was constantly worried to death

      "If I die on the street

      I’ll be chopped up for meat

      So I’ll try not to draw my last breath."

      Beth is a short form of Elizabeth, from Latin Elisabeth, from Greek Eleisabeth or Eleisabet, from Hebrew Elishebha. It was the name of the wife of Aaron, and also the mother of John the Baptist.

      The fate of most horses, it seems, is to end up as horsemeat, though it is taboo to eat it in the countries of the Atlantic Archipelago.

      2x004

      A lady who lived all alone

      Was forever enquiring by phone.

      What on earth she was seeking

      And to whom she was speaking

      Is a fact to this day quite unknown.

      And it seems that we shall never know at all, as we don’t even know who this lady is. Many ladies live alone and uses the telephone, and quite a few probably make repeated enquiries.

      2x005

      A cat that scratched tables and chairs

      And the wooden flat steps on the stairs

      Said, "I’m breaking no laws,

      When I slash with my claws

      And none of it’s mine, so who cares?"

      Cats like to scratch and slash furniture. They seem unaware of the price of things.

      2x006

      A woman who didn’t like rice

      Said, "It’s tasteless and not very nice.

      The grains tend to clump

      And form a great lump

      And there’s never enough to suffice.

      Excellent reasons for not liking rice.

      2x007

      A girl wore a fetching straw hat.

      Made out of an ancient straw mat

      Which gave off a pong

      Sharp, acrid and strong

      Cos on it an old cat had sat.

      ’Pong’ is a word which came into English in the early 1900s. It might have come into English from Romany, which has a verb ‘pan’ (= to stink).

      2x008

      A squirrel one day in its drey

      Said, "There’s something I really must say.

      I’m not really red

      It’s so fills me with dread.

      I’ve decided to come out as grey."

      A drey is a squirrel’s nest. The word is seen from the 1600s onwards, but is of unknown origin. In England the North American grey squirrel (or gray squirrel) was introduced into England in 1876, and has overrun most of the island and taken the place of the native red squirrel. The limerick is based on the expression ‘to come out as gay’ – to reveal one’s homosexuality, previously hidden or not declared.

      2x009

      A doctor, an expert on measles,

      Was convinced it was caused by wild weasels.

      He concocted a

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