As If Yesterday

Yesterday

Memories that haunt

night and day

will they ever just go away

haunting me now

as if yesterday

Love me tonight

I need you to stay

hold me so I can feel safe

and help me forget yesterday

Broken trust

within those walls

forever painful to my soul

long gone, but feeling sometimes…

as if yesterday

by

CJ Vermote

Chapter One

October 2013 – Seattle, Washington

Hmmm…I remember the house being much larger than this, Mi said at barely a whisper as she sat gazing out her car window. She hesitated, her fingers resting on the door handle…willing it to open. Taking a deep breath, she said, What the heck, it’s not like I’ve come to rob them.

Looking for traffic before stepping out of the car, she stopped and checked the rear view mirror. Touching her finger to her lips to smooth out her lipstick, she picked up the Starbucks napkin sitting on the console and brought it to her lips removing the excess Mega Melon color from her mouth. She had picked this color from Clinique’s line, feeling like it brought out the blue in her eyes. She pulled at the crow’s feet, wondering if more wrinkles had appeared overnight, or if she only imagined the increase. She fluffed her blonde, out of control curls before turning her attention back to the traffic. It wasn’t a very busy street; light traffic at best. Still, she had to time it just right. If she didn't, someone checking their phone for their latest incoming text could rip the door of her new BMW.

As she stepped out of the car, her heel came in contact with wet leaves, sending her skidding. She grabbed the door and righted herself, hoping no one saw her misstep. Looking to her left for traffic, she hurried to the middle of the road to avoid the late model Chevy bearing down on her. Looking to the right, she walked across, pulling her coat closer around her neck as the rain threatened to dampen her silk blouse.

Once safely on the sidewalk she stopped to look at the Tudor style house, white with green shutters. The shrubs and grass were immaculately trimmed. The trees held few leaves this time of year, the discarded ones apparently raked, bagged and removed.

As pristine as I remember, but so much smaller.

Mi made her way over to the shelter of the neighbor’s tree in a feeble attempt to stay dry. Looking around she could almost see her sisters and herself playing up and down the street with the neighbor kids. Memories of the friends she made in those few years brought the first smile to her face all day. Since moving back to Seattle, she had anticipated coming to this house sooner, but instead it had been close to six months already.

Move it, chickie, she said to make her feet start walking.

The sheltering tree had done little to keep her dry. Once on the porch she did her best to shake off the moisture. After putting her hands to her hair, she realized there was no hope and just let it be.

She knocked lightly on the door and then stepped back. She continued to look around, comfortably staying dry under the porch cover. She waited a couple minutes, and when no one came to the door she forced herself to ring the doorbell. Maybe they’re old and hard of hearing, she thought. She had picked Friday late afternoon because she felt confident someone would be home, either getting ready to go out or settling in for the weekend ahead. She turned to look back at the street, hoping she hadn’t missed a Do Not Park sign where she left her car. Then she heard the door latch, and as if in slow motion she felt herself turn in the direction of the front door. Her feet wanting to run away, she put a smile on her face instead.

Hello, my name is Mi Henderson. I’m sorry to bother you, and after I ask my question you are welcome to kick me off your porch.

When the lady stood there waiting, she continued, I spent a few years living in this house when I was a little girl. I wondered if I could come in and take a look around…you know, for sentimental reasons?

After what felt like a very long minute, the woman looked around as if to be sure she was alone and said, I don’t see what harm it would cause. My husband is watching the game so if it seems loud it’s because he’s half deaf and has to have it blasting. Watching isn't enough, he has to hear what they are saying.

Thank you so much, and your name is? she said as she stepped closer to the open door.

I’m Norma and my husband's name is Hank. Is Mi short for something?

It was short for Michaeline. Kids would tease me, saying it sounded like a boy’s name, so I started going by Mi. When I became an adult, I had it legally changed.

How interesting. Seems quite common these days. I mean using the same name for a boy or a girl…

Mi could hear the lady still talking as she walked across the threshold, but the words faded in the background as her eyes immediately went to the corner of the entry hall where her Grandma once had her telephone on a small table. She remembered the day a friend of her grandmother called, and Mi had answered the phone. When the lady asked for Grandma, she had told her she wasn’t home. The lady, whose name she couldn’t remember, had asked whom she was talking to. To be polite, Mi had told her who she was. The lady said she was calling to tell Grandma that she named her baby Michaeline and wanted her to know. The caller said her name was the most beautiful and unusual name she had ever heard, so she chose it for her daughter. Mi remembered beaming with pride that her name was so beautiful.

Excuse me…Mi, is it?

I’m sorry…what were you saying?

I wondered if you would like a cup of coffee. I put a pot on for Hank a bit ago, but it should still be good.

Oh, no thanks…I don’t want to take up too much of your time, Mi said as she looked to the right where the dining room was. All those years of polishing the legs on the big table…yet she didn’t remember ever eating in that room. Now she could see the room had been updated with hardwood floors and less heavy drapes, giving it a fresh and brighter look. Looking to her left where the living room was, she could hear the game. The Seahawks were ahead; and the man, Hank, was quite excited.

Have you lived here long? she asked Norma.

We’ve lived here for about twenty years now. Hank and I didn’t get married until we were in our late thirties, bought this house and raised two children here. We don’t have any grandkids yet, but we are hopeful. We thought about downsizing, but with the hopes of having grandkids someday, we thought we might want to keep the house for nothing more than the extra bedrooms. If our kids don’t have any soon, we won’t live long enough to see them.

Mi took a step toward the living room and looked around. She could see a man sitting forward in a recliner next to the fireplace. Her breath caught as the balding gray hair caught her attention. He almost looks like Grandpa, she thought as she felt her stomach knot. She watched as his fingers danced on the armchair, making little circled with his middle finger over the fabric, causing a shudder to run through her. He didn’t seem aware of her staring, so she continued into the room after shaking the feeling of dread that was quickly approaching. She could feel Norma standing close behind her as if hoping to see what Mi was seeing.

She let her eyes follow the wall from where Hank sat, sweeping to the left where the couch had been, but where now stood two armchairs and a table. She felt her heart start to speed up a bit when she looked in the left corner of the room. There was where her grandfather’s chair had been. She could remember how every evening he sat there after dinner and watched his programs. Grandma would lie on the couch and let Mi’s younger sister comb her hair. When her grandfather called her to him, she would obey. He would sing her favorite song, Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star…his finger making small circles in the palm of her hand. She would try not to respond to his touch. Instead she would watch her little sister, only her back visible from Grandpa’s chair, combing Grandma’s hair, slowly smoothing Grandma’s hair with her other little hand as she pulled the comb through from the top of Grandma’s head to the tips of her salt and pepper strands. She wondered what happened to her grandfather’s chair? Was it now sitting in someone else’s living room? Hopefully, it was burned into ashes, taking its memories with it.

Mi took a deep breath and closed her eyes…needing to face the fragmented memories but wishing they would all fade away at the same time. She can feel her grandfather’s hands, first rubbing her arm, and then…feeling weak in the knees, she steadied herself by grabbing onto the wall and closed her eyes. Opening her eyes again, she felt Norma touching her arm.

Excuse me, are you okay? Do you need to sit down?

I...I…I’m fine, just a little headache, Mi said. She had suffered from headaches for years as a child. They stopped when she was a teenager, and started back up when she lived in California. So had the time loss issues. Sometimes she lost an entire day, other times only hours. When her co-workers would bring up a case they had discussed, she didn’t always know what they had decided, and had to fumble her way around the conversation. She knew she needed to get tested to see what was causing the headaches, but they were so inconsistent, sometimes once a year, other times more often. Now she wondered how long she could keep going before the headaches ruined her and her career.

Could I see the kitchen?

Certainly, but why do you want me to call you Jane? I thought your name was Mi?

What?

I was talking to you about the living room and you said to call you Jane.

No, you must be mistaken, my name is Mi, not Jane, Mi said as she thought to herself, I don’t remember her talking to me, I remember opening my eyes, and I was at the ocean, sitting on the swing that faced the waves, pumping the swing to go higher and higher. I was safe at the ocean, calm and safe. Then Norma was touching my arm. What is causing me to daydream like that…so strange, and crazy.

More than once someone had said she did, or said something she didn’t remember. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was really that preoccupied with her own world that life went around her at times, or was she simply crazy enough to daydream in the company of others…what made her mind wander so easily.

Shaking the thoughts from her mind, Mi led the way; she knew this house corner to corner. As she walked in, her eyes went to the pantry but it was no longer there. She turned and looked at Norma.

We’ve done some remodeling over the years. There was never enough counter space, so we opened up the pantry, and pretty much changed the footprint of the entire kitchen, she said sweeping her arm from right to left.

Mi turned and let her eyes take in the entire room…stopping to focus at the northeast corner. She walked slowly and turned, facing the breakfast nook where she and her three sisters had taken all their meals.

As you can see, we left the nook, it was so quaint. Even though we were making such major changes, somehow it seemed right to keep it. I love the way the morning sun comes in the windows. In fact, it is my favorite place to have my morning coffee.

Mi smiled as the memory of her father’s visits came flooding to her mind. Her parents had lost custody of her and her sisters for those few years. Her father would come over to visit and find them eating dinner in the nook. She remembered never wanting to eat her green beans, which seemed odd because she loves them now. Her dad would rescue her by stabbing her fork with as many as he could fit on it and pile them in his mouth. Then he would wink and put his finger to his lips as if to say, don’t tell your grandmother…and then he would tell the girls jokes to make them laugh while they ate the rest of their dinner.

It was a confusing time for all of them, and now there is no way to go back and undo what has happened…no way at all.

The upstairs…may I?

I guess so; I apologize for any mess, Norma said.

Mi smiled and assured Norma not to worry, she didn’t care, hoping to ease the embarrassment she could see on Norma’s face.

With Norma close behind, Mi walked around the corner and looked at the stairs. The same stairs she stood on trying to protect her younger sister when her grandmother was trying to spank her. Mi endured one swat already, but it had been her fault and even as young as she was she knew her little sister didn’t deserve to get spanked. Mi thought back to that day and remembered…I had taken Patsy with me down the street and convinced her the neighbor wasn’t home so we could cut across her yard to get to our friend’s house, which meant climbing the fence. Unfortunately, the neighbor had been home and called Grandma to complain. Looking back now, I realize the neighbor didn’t want the liability of a five and seven year old getting hurt on her property. But back then I thought she was simply a tattle-tail and a mean old lady. Luckily, Grandma had taken my word for it and Patsy escaped a spanking. I do remember we never climbed over the fence again.

She could feel Norma behind her as if to urge her forward. Mi looked at her over her shoulder and smile as she tentatively climbed the stairs. She had shared a room with her sister, who was a year older. Twin beds and a dresser had adorned the small room. Now looking in the room, she could see the carpet was different, as well as the set-up. Obviously, it had been turned into a sewing room or craft room, from the items within her view.

This was my room. I shared it with Becca…she’s a year older than I am. My other sisters Rachel, the oldest and Patsy the youngest slept in the front bedroom. My grandparents had the middle room, she said as she continued to stare in the bedroom. She turned and walked to the front bedroom. It was easy to see this was a guest room and office combined. It had been the grandest room in her young mind because it had a double bed with a deep red bedspread. It seemed like a room for Queen Elizabeth to stay. She had always felt a little jealous she had not been given the room to share with a sister. The large front window, still decorated with sheer curtains, allowed the afternoon sun to warm the room as it had so many years ago, though the clouds were blocking that feature today.

She started to turn when she felt her knees get weak again, and held the door jam hoping Norma wouldn’t notice. She stepped backwards into the hall and turned slightly to her left to where her grandparents had slept. This room had also had twin beds separated by a small table and lamp. She felt her stomach lurch a bit, but controlled her nerves and turned away. Without a word, she headed back down the stairs.

She walked to the front door and put her hand on the knob, turned slightly and thanked Norma for allowing the intrusion.

You are more than welcome, Mi. I’m not sure what you hoped to take back with you from this tour, but you are more than welcome to come back anytime.

Thank you again…it’s an odd feeling to be back in this house. To remember life here.

Taking another look around where she stood, she opened the door and left as she said, I know every corner of this house, every whisper, every secret…everything it holds within its walls.

Chapter Two

Mi made her way back to the car. She unlocked the door with the remote button before her fingers touched the handle. Once inside she sat and looked out the windshield, not moving.

Ten minutes passed before she could pull her mind back where it needed to be in order to start the engine. She closed her eyes and turned the key…but as she opened her eyes, she could feel the fire inside her take over.

You are an idiot Mi…are you going to sit here on memory lane and let it eat at you. Get your backside moving and down the road, we’ve got work to do, she said aloud.

She was startled out of her personal tirade by the ring tone on her cell phone. She looked at the caller ID...deciding what to do, she answered.

Hi Patsy, how’s my favorite little sister doing?

I’m fine, I was checking to see how you’re doing? Becca said you made a comment a couple weeks ago about maybe coming back to Seattle…is that true? I’m so tired of only having the phone or email to keep in touch with you.

Listen, baby sis, life doesn’t always turn out as planned. I’m not coming back to Seattle anytime soon, she lied, my job isn’t changing like I thought, but we can still talk on the phone and email.

You’re having one of those headaches again. I can hear it in your voice. Are you ever going to see someone about them?

So, now you ignore what I say…not very respectful of your big sis now missy. Anyhow, I get so few of them I doubt a doctor would do anything anyhow. They only last for a short time.

You’ve had them for a few years now, and you said once they are bad enough to block out time. Sounds pretty serious to me. What if you have one when you are driving?

Let’s not talk about my headaches, I’ll deal with them later. Anyhow, we’ll have to be grateful we can talk on the phone for now. I’ll keep you posted if that changes.

She hated lying to her sisters, but she couldn’t face them, not yet. She had been in Seattle for almost six months and thought she was ready to see her siblings, but as plans developed she knew she couldn’t do it. She regretted even trying, and now she was forced to lie again. Every time they wanted to fly to her, she found ways to stop them…but the routine was getting harder as time went on.

I know, and I’m grateful for that, but I want to see you. Spend some time with you. Can you talk to your boss again about downloading Skype on your computer? Tell him I said he’s a jerk if he says no.

Calm down sis, I’ve been thinking about getting a computer for personal use. So, I’ll keep you posted.

She wanted to let them know when she had moved from Michigan to Seattle in May, but had lost the courage. She had no intentions of doing any video conferencing with her sisters. Even though they were all she had left, she had kept her distance for many years. A face-to-face connection would allow them to see the real person, a failure at life. She knew if they figured her out, they would be too disappointed with her. As a child, she always felt like she was on the outside looking in at all of them. They all had lives she didn’t want to interrupt. Rachel was married and had a son, Logan, in middle school now. Becca had her own business as a seamstress so she could work out of her house and be home with her twin four-year olds, a boy, Jason, and a girl, Sandy. And Patsy…sweet Patsy…had a two-year-old son, Kayden, and was about to have her second son. Apparently she was scheduled to deliver via C-Section due to some issues she had with her first son’s delivery. They started living the American dream with husband, children, beautiful homes and a car payment they