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    Bizarre News
    Bizarre News
    Bizarre News
    Ebook148 pages1 hour

    Bizarre News

    By C. Michael Forsyth

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    About this ebook

    Bizarre News too outrageous even for the tabloids. Too steamy, too sacrilegious, too politically incorrect...too hot to handle! From C. Michael Forsyth, a former associate editor of National Enquirer and senior writer/reporter for the infamous Weekly World News, comes a treasure trove of articles even those tabloids wouldn't dare print -- and CNN and Fox News wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole! Have you ever seen the headline "Bookshelf Built by Jesus Found"... or "Perverted Poltergeist," about the ghost of a Peeping Tom who haunts the locker room of a prestigious women's college? Of course not, because you'll only find them here!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherC. Michael Forsyth
    Release dateApr 12, 2016
    ISBN9780988478077
    Bizarre News
    Author

    C. Michael Forsyth

    C. Michael Forsyth is a graduate of Yale College. He is the author of the critically acclaimed novel Hour of the Beast and the children’s book Brothers. He is a former writer for Weekly World News.

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      Book preview

      Bizarre News - C. Michael Forsyth

      Bizarre News

      C. Michael Forsyth

      Copyright 2016 C. Michael Forsyth

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. All characters and events in this book are fictional, and any similarity to real persons is coincidental.

      This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. It may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

      Published by Freedom’s Hammer

      Greenville, SC

      Mobi ISBN 978-0-9884780-5-3

      Epub ISBN 978-0-9884780-7-7

      Table of Contents

      FOREWORD

      DEDICATION

      INTRODUCTION

      ANTHROPOLOGIST HELD HOSTAGE BY ELVES FOR 7 YEARS

      BOOKSHELF BUILT BY JESUS FOUND!

      PSYCHOTHERAPIST HELPS VAMPIRES OVERCOME FEAR OF CROSSES

      ALIEN BREAST IMPLANTS GROWING IN POPULARITY, INVESTIGATORS SAY

      FEW FAIRIES GAY, FOLKLORISTS NOW SAY

      HALLOWEEN WARNING: DRESS YOUR KIDS IN COSTUMES OR THEY’LL GET POSSESSED!

      AFTER NIGHT OF DRUNKEN SEX, COEDS CHARGE EACH OTHER WITH RAPE!

      HOW TO SCORE WITH A VAMPIRE: THE TOP 20 PICKUP LINES

      THE BIGGER YOUR BUTT, THE MORE LIKELY YOU ARE TO BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, STUDY SHOWS

      NORTH KOREAN MADMAN KIM JONG UN KEEPS NAKED WOLF GIRL IN SICK HUMAN ZOO!

      GOD AND ALLAH ARE ONE AND THE SAME, DAZZLING NEW FINGERPRINT EVIDENCE PROVES!

      WERERABBITS BREEDING OUT OF CONTROL, EXPERTS WARN

      H.P. LOVECRAFT WAS RIGHT: THE OLD ONES ARE RETURNING! THEY’RE CRANKY AND FORGETFUL.

      DRACULA’S GAY SHAME: HISTORIAN FINDS SKELETON IN VLAD’S CLOSET.

      ERVERTED POLTERGEIST: GHOST HAUNTS TOP WOMEN’S COLLEGE LOCKER ROOM

      PRINCE WILLIAM LEADS FIGHT TO BAN WEREWOLF HUNTING

      JUDGE BARS COUPLE FROM NAMING BABY ADOLF HITLER

      REAL VAMPIRES LOVE GARLIC — AND HATE WEARING BLACK!

      VATICAN AGENTS STEAL SATAN’S PITCHFORK

      FRENCH TOURIST’S SPEEDO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS

      OFF WITH HER UNDIES! ROYAL FAMILY DEMANDS BIZARRE PUNISHMENT

      TOP FEMALE VAMPIRE ORGANIZATION INSISTS: WE ARE NOT LESBIANS!

      TEXTS FROM THE DEAD: NEW PARANORMAL PHENOMENON BAFFLES SCIENTISTS.

      SCIENTISTS FIND PREHISTORIC WOLF MAN SKELETON.

      PANTIES OF PERIL! EVERYONE WHO’S WORN CURSED UNDERWEAR HAS MET A CRUEL AND HORRIBLE DEATH! 2 COMMENTS

      AFTERWORD

      FOREWORD

      Tabloid journalism reached its creative heights on the pages of the late, great and thoroughly iconic Weekly World News. In the 1990s, C. Michael Forsyth quickly rose through the ranks to become one of the finest and most prolific writers in the publication's history, a top-tier collaborator and driving force. Since going solo, he’s scoured the globe to bring you the wild and woolly news that those nervous Nellie news outlets like CNN, Fox and The New York Times don't DARE report.

      If you liked Batboy and P'lod, the space alien who endorsed Bill Clinton, you're going to love Forsyth’s latest scoops—news that I guarantee you won't read anywhere else. Fasten your seat belts, buckos. And if you're weak of heart, don't turn another page until you get somebody in the room with you. That's the signpost up ahead, Twilight Zone genius Rod Serling used to put it. To which I'll add, Your next stop, The Forsyth Zone!

      Derek Clontz, former editor, Weekly World News

      DEDICATION

      Dedicated to the late Eddie Clontz

      INTRODUCTION

      After a four-year stint as an associate editor at the National Enquirer, I landed a gig as a senior writer/reporter for Weekly World News, an infinitely wilder and weirder tabloid. I investigated bizarre stories from around the globe, exploring mysteries ranging from real-life blood-drinkers in the U.S. to the discovery of the so-called hobbit on a remote Indonesian island. For a decade, my dispatches entertained up to half a million readers each week. Reporters were given full license to be creative, and boy, did we take full advantage!

      Nevertheless, some stories were deemed too outrageous even for that wacky publication. Too sexy, too sacrilegious, too politically incorrect. Now, at last, I’m opening my private vault. In this book, you’ll find a treasure trove of such tales, told for the first time. What’s more, since leaving the paper to become a freelance writer, I’ve unearthed a mother lode of even more startling stories. Some articles may seem too outlandish to be true, but then again, they say truth is stranger than fiction.

      Enjoy reading some of the most fantastic news ever reported—and choose to believe it or not!

      Anthropologist Held Hostage By Elves For 7 Years

      MIRACULOUS: Icelandic authorities rescue missing scientist.

      By C. Michael Forsyth

      REYKJAVIK, Iceland — Seven years after she vanished without a trace, a female anthropologist emerged from a mysterious cave where authorities believe she may have been held hostage by real-life elves!

      Danish researcher Kalena Søndergaard was stark naked, covered by dust and babbling incoherently when rescuers found her outside a tiny opening in the famous Elf Rock, traditionally believed to house the underground dwelling place of mankind’s tiny cousins.

      She was crouching like an animal and spoke only in a language unrelated to any we know, said Arnor Guðohnsen of the National Rescue Service, which airlifted the 31-year-old survivor to a hospital by helicopter.

      "The only word we could understand was ‘alfur,’ an old Icelandic word for elves. On her back were strange tattoos similar to those markings Viking explorers found on rock formations when they settled Iceland in 874, traditionally known as ‘elf writing.’ "

      DANISH anthropologist Kalena Søndergaard vanished without a trace.

      Kalena, who was seeking proof of the existence of elves, was reported missing in January of 2006. At the time, police suspected she was the victim of foul play, but an intensive search failed to turn up any remains. On Feb. 4, 2013, hikers spotted the scientist crawling on all fours on a ledge high on the rocky hill, moving more like an ape than a human being,

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