Not the Marrying Kind

Chapter 1

T his is unacceptable , Desiree. We’ve already announced your engagement. What do you expect us to tell people? My father stood in front of the ridiculously huge fireplace in our great room and stared me down.

Why did we even have a fireplace? We lived in Houston for fuck’s sake. It didn’t matter, though, not when his irritation had me sinking deeper and deeper into the couch cushions, wishing I could disappear. Tell them whatever you want, but the wedding is off.

Mom stepped up next to Dad and gazed at him with doting affection. Your father’s right. You’ll need to contact Warren and tell him you made a mistake. Cold feet—happens to a lot of people. She turned her anemic smile on me. I’m sure he’ll understand.

It made me sick, seeing Mom act this way. Deferring to Dad automatically, like she didn’t have a right to her own opinion. Like I didn’t have a right to mine. She hadn’t always been like this.

Once upon a time, she’d been like me. I’d seen the pictures and articles at Papa and Meemaw’s ranch. Before Dad came along, Emily Sutherland had been on a path to greatness. Future Business Leaders of America awards. Academic honors. There’d even been an article where Papa had said he fully expected her to become an executive at Sutherland Industries. Then she became Emily Sutherland-Colt, and everything changed.

She’d become a Stepford wife. Worse, she wanted me to be one, too.

You’re so worried about what your friends will think, but does what I want matter to you in any of this? I. Don’t. Love. Warren. I’m nothing more than a business deal to him. At least she and Dad had love between them. Sure, she’d given up her future to become a society wife, but they loved each other. Didn’t I deserve the opportunity to find at least that much happiness, too?

Dad shook his head. If you don’t love Warren now, then you didn’t love him two months ago when you agreed to marry him. Nothing has actually changed other than your attitude. I suggest you take a little while to change it back.

All the air seemed to dissipate from the room. He couldn’t seriously be suggesting that a marriage just for the sake of merging our families’ holdings was okay. What century had I fallen into that I was suddenly nothing more than a bargaining chip in the world of big business?

Picking up her purse as if this was the natural end to the conversation, Mom said, We have plans, and you’ve already made us late, Desiree. You, on the other hand, have a duty to this family. It would serve you well to remember that.

Before I regained my senses—and the ability to suck air into my lungs—they were gone. And I, Desiree Sutherland-Colt, was left alone with my thoughts. A princess trapped in a tower made of money and prestige. It seemed my only path out was the one approved by my parents—marriage to a prince they deemed fit.

All my life, I’d lived by my parents’ rules, their expectations. The announcement from Warren that led to me breaking our engagement wasn’t like some moment where I snapped. The cracks had started showing all through college. Almost microscopic to start, but they’d grown as the years had progressed. I switched majors. I took a part-time job at a local Sephora for the discount I didn’t really need—but friends loved to take advantage of. I dyed my hair…

So many little things that were all outside accepted practices for a Sutherland-Colt, but none of them had made a difference. Not even walking away from Warren. Even now, my parents had the attitude that it was a phase and I’d grow out of it.

No one understood I needed to grow into something first. Not even me.

Not until now.

So, I finally broke things off when Warren told me it was great that I finished my degree. But according to him I think too much, and once we were married, I wouldn’t have to worry about doing that anymore. I rested a hand on my chestnut bay’s flank before I let frustration get the best of me and wound up yanking too hard on the saddle’s girth.

Ouch. Molly adjusted her stirrups. What you’re saying is he was more on board with your mom’s whole barefoot and pregnant plan that you’ve ever been.

"Yeah. Stand still and look pretty is supposed to be my life goal as far as everyone but me is concerned." I sighed and went back to Copper’s girth. I needed this ride with Molly like I needed to breathe right now—mainly because breathing within the walls of my parents’ house had become near impossible. I was too riled up to deal with them.

"Well, Desi, you are really good at that."

I flipped her off as I led Copper to the mounting block. Molly just laughed. Neither of us said much more this close to the barn. While the stable hands technically worked for my grandparents, there was no telling who would willingly reveal what when Emily came to visit. My mom had a way with getting people to do her dirty work, and spying on me was about as dirty as it got.

Once we were on the trail and away from overly curious ears, Molly said, What did your parents say when you told them you broke off your engagement anyway? Hell, what did Warren say?

Warren was easy. I was a business transaction as far as he was concerned. There were apparently several eligible women whose families would be more than happy to merge with his. It took all of half a second to realize how horrible that sounded. Honestly, he was fine with it, which was only confirmation I made the right call.

And how did Emily and Jason take it? My parents: Emily Sutherland-Colt, an heir to the Sutherland oil fortune; and Jason Colt, great-great-great-great-something-or-other of Samuel Colt. Money and prestige in spades. Molly probably guessed the answer to her question before I even opened my mouth to answer.

The Sutherland-Colt clan took it about as well as expected—which means not well at all. When I hadn’t acquiesced to the demand to patch things up with Warren by the time they got home last night, they pulled in Candace and Carmen to lecture me over breakfast.

Your sisters? Holy four-on-one. That had to be fun. How are you doing after all that?

Same as when we talked last night, I guess. I shrugged. At least I wasn’t raging about it anymore—riding helped ease that out of me, allowed me to put most of the problem in a mental box marked Danger. Do not touch. If I ignored it long enough, maybe I could forget it was even there. I steered Copper down the slope to cross a stream that bisected White Willow Ranch.

My sisters joining the argument hadn’t been a big shock, though the speed at which they’d been called in had surprised me a little. Candace and Carmen weren’t much better than Mom when it came to the men in their lives. It’s what they do. It doesn’t matter, though. I’m not marrying Warren. Honestly, I’d rather not marry anyone.

Then don’t.

Right. I laughed, imagining the spinster lectures Mom would deliver over the years. Because it’s that easy. Have you not met my parents? Mom set up two different dates with eligible sons of country club members last night—in case I reacted like this. I’m stuck.

Molly rolled her eyes at me, just like she used to do in high school. "The old Desi would have thought it was easy. What the hell is Desiree’s problem with it? Or have you suddenly jumped on the I’m-a-Sutherland-Colt-hear-me-roar bandwagon?"

It was an echo of my thoughts about Mom from the night before. Was I turning into one of them already even while I was fighting against all of it? No. I wouldn’t let that happen.

I’m not that different than I used to be. All I really want is my own place and my own life—like always. And they aren’t going to let me have it. That was the moment the truth my friend had been spouting finally hit me. My family didn’t care what I wanted. They only cared that I followed their plan. Damn it. I have to do something crazy here, don’t I?

You want to change the world, Desi. That kind of starts with changing all the shit that’s holding you back.

And if they try to stop me?

Then you get to figure out who you really are—whether you want to or not.

Crap. She was right. Which meant rocking a boat that my broken engagement already had on the verge of capsizing. We’d either all go under…or I’d sit down and do as I was told. There was no in between anymore. One way or the other, this had to come to a head.

I kicked Copper, and he broke into a canter. For a few brief moments out here with him and my best friend, I got to feel the wind whip through my hair. It was freedom—something I’d never had in any large measure. I was going to soak up as much easy and fun freedom as Copper was willing to let me, because after I made my move, I might not have much more of it at all.

One good thing about holding off until I was ready to leave before I broached the subject of my little vacation with my parents was that Mom spent the day out on a shopping spree and Dad was at work. It left me plenty of time to pack. Unfortunately, even two full suitcases in the trunk of Mikez, my Lincoln MKZ, didn’t prepare me for leaving. I didn’t know if my plan was really the best path for my life; I only knew I didn’t belong in River Oaks anymore.

I had a cooler stocked for the drive and was waiting in the kitchen when Mom and Dad got home.

I understand that Bud wants us to have the fourth at White Willow Ranch, but I hate driving back after. If we’re going there to celebrate, we’re staying the night. Dad was being pragmatic, as usual, and he even made it sound like Mom had some sort of choice in there.

She flipped long, dark hair over her shoulder as she walked in. Of course. They love havin’ us and the kids there, you know that.

Both of them stopped short as they turned and saw me. I guess it must have been kind of a weird sight—me, hanging out in the kitchen with my purse slung over my shoulder and my keys in hand. Normally I was only in the kitchen when food was involved.

Desiree? Mom seemed genuinely confused—even more than she had been the day I’d come home with bright blue, pink, and purple streaks dyed in my hair. Possibly even more than when I’d told her I’d broken things off with Warren.

I… Hi. After all day planning for this moment, I thought I’d been ready. But the words didn’t want to come out. No matter how much they tried to control everything in my life, they were still my parents. I still loved them. But I needed this. I hadn’t gotten to find myself at college—I’d still been a Sutherland-Colt there—I needed to take the opportunity to do it now before I made another stupid decision and did wind up married to the wrong guy.

Pressing my lips together, I steeled myself for the backlash and swallowed my fear. I hope you guys have fun at Papa and Meemaw’s for Fourth of July, but I won’t be there.

Dad arched a brow at me. And why not?

There was no good way to explain this, not one they’d understand, and I’d done my damnedest to come up with one ever since the moment I decided to leave. Because getting my degree doesn’t mean I finished my education. I learned a lot at Baylor. I learned about history and psychology and how to properly cite a research paper. I learned how to drink and how not to. I learned how to buckle down and do what I had to in order to be successful. But in four years, I didn’t learn who I am.

Most people don’t, sweetheart. Dad laid his laptop on the bar, clearly thinking the conversation was unimportant and, more than that, over.

Mom clutched her Hermes bag like they used to talk about women clutching pearls. At least she was smart enough to realize there was more happening than I’d managed to get out so far.

The thing is Baylor wasn’t even my choice. It was yours. My degree in psychology was barely my choice, but you insisted that environmental science was too plebeian. So I caved. You pushed me toward Warren, just like you’re pushing me toward Ben and Jerry.

Ben and Jeremy, Mom corrected. And they’re both attractive men from good families and have promisin’ futures. What’s wrong with that?

"There is nothing wrong with it, but you have never given me a chance to choose anything in my life. It’s always been what you want for me; never what I want."

Fine, Desiree, Dad said, exasperation echoing in every syllable of my name. What is it you want before you will finally settle down?

I don’t want to have to settle down, that’s what I want. Neither of them said anything while I sucked in a deep breath and exhaled as slowly as possible. The point is, I need to know who I am, and I will never figure out who that is if I blindly follow what the two of you decide for me. So I’m taking a page out of Australia’s handbook on life, and I’m going on a walkabout. I’ve been in touch with a wildlife management team that’s studying wolves, and I’m going to go work with them for a while. That last bit wasn’t entirely true since I was still waiting on confirmation, but my parents didn’t need to know that.

No.

I blinked at Mom, wondering where the hell that word had come from. Dad was the authority in the house. She never spoke first—it was part of the weirdness in their marriage.

I wasn’t asking. The car’s already loaded. I just wanted to say goodbye and let you know that I’ll update Facebook or something so people know I’m alive, but I need to do this. I needed out of this house, out of this toxic environment that was slowly but surely poisoning me, turning me into a person I didn’t want to be.

First you break off your engagement, and now this? No, Desiree. I won’t allow it. If she wasn’t careful, she was going to ruin the leather bag. You are twenty-two years old, it’s time to grow up. You were supposed to get married to Warren in the fall. I’m willing to give you until next summer to find a suitable match, but this rebellion of yours is absurd.

Dad stepped up behind her and rested a hand on her arm, stilling her motions. Your mother is right. This is ridiculous. You aren’t a child anymore.

"I can’t argue with you. I’m not. I’m an adult, but that isn’t any reason I have to become some…society wife. That isn’t what I want; it’s never been what I wanted. I pointed to Dad’s hand, my own shaking with barely contained frustration. I’m not going to give myself over to a guy—especially one I don’t love—to control everything from what my hair looks like to how and when I’m allowed to show stress."

Dad snatched his hand away from Mom and glared at me. And your answer to that is to go dig around in wolf droppings? You’ll be back in a week, begging for a damn spa day. Look around you, Desiree. You’re a Sutherland-Colt; you’re better than that kind of life.

I bristled at the implication I couldn’t do it, couldn’t hack life without Mom and Dad making sure my every need was met. No. I’m not. Neither are you. We’re people, normal fucking people. Money doesn’t make us above working for a living.

Are you sayin’ your father doesn’t work? Mom set the bag on the counter and stepped into the circle of Dad’s arm, like he was her hero—the one who would protect her from whatever ugliness life threw at her…protect her from the ugliness of me.

Words dried up in my throat as I watched them. I knew their marriage was strong, knew they were happy, but