Out of the Darkness: An Unexpected Path to Freedom

Soul…

A Special THANK YOU

to:

Davis United Methodist Church (Davis, CA), Episcopal Church of St. Martin (Davis, CA), First United Methodist Church of Napa (Napa, CA), Grace Cathedral (San Francisco, CA), Mt. Shasta Lavender Farms (Montague, CA) and The Mercy Center (Auburn, CA) for sharing your labyrinths.   These incredible pathways provided and held sacred space while my life took an unimaginable quantum leap.

An Introduction…..

A few years ago, I witnessed myself lying on the floor of my living room sobbing as some part of me cried out, I just want to be the song!   At the time, I had no idea what that really meant but I definitely felt the deep, desperation-level yearning that seemed to originate in the core of my being.   As I allowed myself to fall more deeply into this feeling, I was able to gain access to this song of all songs.   The more I allowed myself to experience the feeling, the more I was able to experience the captivating melody that seemed to be the song of who I am.   It was magical, breathtaking, deep and beyond beautiful.   It was grace and love.   The desire to join with this song was so intense and heart-felt that it was painful to feel a separation.   I now know that I was experiencing alignment with my true Essence; my unique Self-expression of - and as - the One.   All I knew at the time was that I couldn’t stand feeling separate from it.   I could feel it and experience it but had no idea how to actually become it.   

Even prior to the recognition of my desire to be the song, I was aware of a similar intensity of feeling in regard to freedom.   When I would ask myself what it was I desired, I would hear myself say, To be free.   As I questioned myself more intently, I realized I didn’t have an understanding of what this really meant.   What is freedom?   What does it feel like to be free?   Though I didn’t have a real sense of what it felt like to be free, I knew that what I was feeling in that moment wasn’t it!   I felt like I was wearing 10,000 jackets all zipped up such that I couldn’t move or get them off.   I couldn’t stand it!   I felt trapped in my body, in a job, in society, by relationship, etc., etc., etc.   As intensely as I desired to be the song, I also longed to be free.

Several years later - with a deep and powerfully purifying Dark Night of the Soul under my belt - I found my way into freedom and the opportunity to unite and live as the Song of my Soul.   I now know the two go hand-in-hand and that freedom includes surrender – which seems extremely ironic.

Out of the Darkness is based on the personal blog which memorialized what turned out to be a life-changing journey and passage; a journey and passage that catapulted me from a place where I felt enslaved by life to a place where I began the practice of living life as a creative force.   What started out to be a project became a personal invitation and introduction to freedom followed by an understanding of life as the song, and finally, a path into a state of being I refer to as Rude Magnificence.   I share this journey not only because it feels right to do so but because I sense that many of us are searching for – longing for – the same thing.   Whether we can put words to it or not, most of us desire to feel peace, joy and freedom; our souls yearn for alignment with the Essence of who we are; and our unique breathtaking song awaits our surrender in order to be sung.   I share my experience because I firmly believe that if I can find my way into such an amazing place so can anyone else who desires to do so.   

Much love,

Karrie

Journey Background…

In August 2007, I plunged into what I refer to as the Great Dark Night of the Soul.   Though I had experienced at least one other enormously transformational period that I would also refer to as a Dark Night, the experience beginning in late 2007 was beyond compare in emotional pain, torture, hopelessness, despair and the sense of forsakenness by God.   St. John of the Cross metaphorically describes this Night in emotionally graphic and gory detail in his poem & treatise, The Dark Night. Though my book is about the final emergence from this Great Night, I am including four descriptions I believe adequately summarize the horrendous nature of this experience.   The Great Dark Night of the Soul is something a person survives and then falls on her knees in a deep, deep, deep sense of gratitude – not only for surviving but for the gift of purification which leads to freedom, independence and Truth.   

In April 2011, I was inspired to write my first blog.   (I loved to write but hardly ever took the time to do it because it didn’t seem lucrative - so why waste my time?)   The blog was entitled Rally of One and was a week long chronicle of my daily journey to the state capitol of California.   The project was life changing for me and I was reconnected to something that truly comes from my Soul.   The experience left me yearning for more and though I didn’t know it at the time, it was a catalyst for my final emergence from the Great Dark Night.

In June 2011, I took 2 weeks off from my job – which was slowly killing me on a multitude of levels – and decided to give myself a little mouth-to-mouth with another Rally of One experience.   Initially, when I asked myself what I desired to rally around, I heard the word labyrinth.     Immediately, I dismissed the idea.   I wanted something with a cause, a passion, something that would make a difference.   Labyrinths?   Good God!   How boring is that?   Two days later, the idea was cemented.   I decided to walk a different labyrinth every day for a week and blog about my experiences.   I also included a contemplative focus on Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness which prompted the title for the overall experience – Life, Liberty & the Labyrinth.

The 9 days this journey covered became THE most transformational experience of my life.   Even now, my body trembles and tears come to my eyes due to the immense, power and gratitude this journey generated and continues to generate.   I am still benefiting from its catalytic and cathartic nature as I continue to move evermore deeply into living from the unalienable truths of Life…..Liberty….and the pursuit of Happiness.

The book itself is divided into 6 segments.   The Great Dark Night of the Soul shares my experience via 4 brief but potently descriptive writings; Declaration of Divine Co-Creation & Intent is the agreement I entered just prior to my sacred journey through the labyrinths; Life, Liberty & the Labyrinth journals the catalytic 9 day odyssey that initiated the path to freedom and Rude Magnificence; Declaring Independence chronicles the incredible insights and external transformation that transpired in the days and weeks immediately following the initial journey; Liberty shares my experiences as I move deeper into a state of true self-determination and freedom; and Rude Magnificence accounts my continuing journey into a desired state of illuminated and enlightened living.

For anyone who finds his or herself in the midst of the smothering darkness that is the Great Dark Night, this book has been written to inspire and rekindle hope for emergence.   For those desiring the experience of living life in true freedom, the journey outlined in the following pages was my path to that freedom - and far more.   In the last few months, my partner and I have facilitated two separate workshops which focused on this path within the labyrinth.   In both cases, this sacred path proved to be as deeply life changing for the participants as it was for me.   

It should be noted that this book is not meant to be a literary giant.   It is the chronicle and sharing of an incredible transformational journey – a journey that must be felt and experienced in order to be understood.   So tap your inner courage, open your mind and heart….and let the journey begin!

Much love,

Karrie

The Great Dark Night

A Tap on the Shoulder…..

Alone…no words can console me…it is my time….just my ego, my Soul and God…no escaping…no turning back….the path unmarked…unlit…the pain so great…. no choice but to endure…and die….this is the path of my ego….an ego whose time is up….it has run amuck for lifetimes…sitting in the advisor’s chair…telling lies and stories adeptly….maintaining its position of power and control…while I follow blindly….trusting without question….then one moment…seemingly out of nowhere…..a quiet tap on the shoulder….and the great shift begins ….the Divine has come calling at the request of the Soul….my ego leaps in arrogance…. receiving this tap as evidence of its’ specialness….little does it know….that the Divine has heard the call of the Soul….and has come to grant its deepest desire….the desire for freedom….

The Great Dark Night

The Dark Night…..miserable…wretched…never-ending…merciless….tapped on the shoulder …invited,   the ego thought….a surprise party indeed…no invitation…a summons… a summons to enter the darkness….the pitch black of night….the bewitching hour….the valley of the shadows…my shadows…the scariest and most unacceptable of all….no lantern….no guidance….alone…..me…and my shadows….abandoned by God….face-to-face with my own wretchedness….how long can this last?….I can survive! the ego says….but soon the pain is too great….and still…it does not end….death would be a blessing….but death is too good for the wretched…the unforgiveable……each morning I awaken to find myself still alive….all attempts to return to slumber are aborted….I must endure the pain my wretchedness deserves….I must be crucified….I am undeserving, unworthy of mercy…..the pain is tremendous, excruciating at times…detachment comes hard for the ego….which is why the pain is so incredible….the truth lies in the acceptance of who I am….the whole of who I am….the dark and the light….all is of the ONE….there is no judgment….other than the cruel and wretched judge within…..the love of the Divine is like fire….prying the ego’s fingers away from the Soul… allowing the Soul its freedom…its sovereignty…in acceptance of the whole of who I am….the dark and the light….in acceptance I am freed….

The Horror of the Truth…

I slouch…shackled to my chair….bloodied….bruised….broken….abused…. powerless….a victim….awaiting the next slap, punch, kick, whipping….my captor….. my torture master…. stands over me….his black hood hides his face….but not his eyes….cruel…..evil….dark…. eerily familiar…. over and over, I hear you are bad….unworthy….undeserving….you are bad…unworthy…undeserving…and I believe him….I have no recollection of what I’ve done ….what rules I have broken…I only know…. I am unworthy….and therefore, I deserve this never-ending beating….and then it happens….I am shocked….horrified….appalled….sickened ….my captor removes his hood….and I look straight into the eyes of me….I begin to sob uncontrollably as I realize what I have done….as I realize the truth….the sad, horrible truth…..I hear I lied to me…..I lied to me….I am my own terrorist…."my