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    The Control Book
    The Control Book
    The Control Book
    Ebook207 pages3 hours

    The Control Book

    By Peter Masters

    4.5/5

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    About this ebook

    The Control Book is about the fine art of taking control of your partner. It's about the processes involved, about taking control, using control, about ensuring that you have control, and-importantly-about giving control back once you are done with it. The book discusses how this works-the psychology of it-and looks at what can go right, and at what can go wrong and how to fix it. It considers the role of authority in the equation, and looks at how to manage the control you have over someone so that it is both effective and rewarding for you both. I believe that a very large part of the activities which we include under the umbrella of BDSM rely explicitly or implicitly on control being asserted over one person by another. My goal in this book is to talk about control, explain what it is, demonstrate it, show how to take it, how to give it, how to manage it, and more. I want you, the reader, to be aware of the ebb and flow of control around you and through you.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateJul 28, 2009
    ISBN9780992326340
    The Control Book

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      Book preview

      The Control Book - Peter Masters

      The Control Book

      © 2006, Peter Masters

      All rights reserved

      ISBN: 978-0992326340

      Peter Masters' website

      http://www.peter-masters.com/

      Also by Peter Masters:

      Look Into My Eyes

      Understanding BDSM Relationships

      BDSM Relationships - How They Work

      BDSM Relationships - Pitfalls and Obstacles

      A Year Of Dominance

      Imperfect Journeys

      How to run BDSM workshops plus 25 topics

      This Curious Human Phenomenon

      Table of contents

      1 - Introduction

      1.1 - What do you mean by dominance & submission?

      1.2 - Conscious, subconscious and unconscious

      1.3 - Predispositions

      1.4 - Evolution

      2 - Control

      2.1 - The process

      2.2 - Consolidating control

      2.3 - Losing control

      2.4 - Reward and encouragement

      2.5 - Giving back control

      2.6 - Focus of control

      2.7 - Safewords

      2.8 - Control-taking and privacy

      3 - Communication

      3.1 - Division of labour

      3.2 - Submissive logic

      3.3 - Person-to-person

      3.4 - Three

      4 - Management

      4.1 - Two different types of control

      4.2 - Planning and management

      4.3 - Ritual

      4.4 - Structure

      4.5 - Ownership

      4.6 - Delegation

      5 - Discussion topics

      5.1 - Closure

      5.2 - Magic

      5.3 - Satiation

      5.4 - Humour

      5.5 - Rhythm

      5.6 - Feeling controlled

      5.7 - Consequences of orders

      5.8 - Difference between a slave and a submissive

      5.9 - Cookbook dominance

      5.10 - Less than open

      5.11 - What place love?

      5.12 - Hard and soft limits

      About the author

      Chapter 1

      Introduction

      Mastery isn't just telling someone what to do. It's also creating the environment in which your submissive will do what you want even without being told. It is creating an environment in which they have only the one choice, and that is of doing what you want.

      I want to come right out and say that this isn't a definitive textbook. I didn't write it to be one.

      I'm a sadist at heart, and I have learned that one of the cruelest things you can do to someone is to teach them something, and thereby cause them to question their ignorance and long-held beliefs. As you're actually looking at this voluntarily, then it's likely that you're not the sort who's going to be particularly traumatised by being made to think. That's a shame, but on the off chance that you're looking at this book by mistake, I will attempt, in the following pages and chapters, to stir up some new thoughts, and to cause you to reflect on many things that you've probably just taken for granted up until now. I hope, by the end of the book, that you'll have a new understanding and appreciation for what control actually is—particularly in the context of BDSM—and how to use it.

      BDSM is an abbreviation for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission and Sadism & Masochism. These are areas of often-sexual activity involving pain, restraint, confinement, and authority. This is, of course, a very general definition, and doesn't convey either the extent of activities called BDSM, or the range of emotions, passions and just broad psychological responses which BDSM can inspire.

      One very important thing is that BDSM activities are rarely done solo. BDSM works best when there are two people, one of whom has the explicit role of being in control of what goes on. This fact lies at the heart of this book.

      In all sincerity, I don't expect you to agree with everything I have to say in this book. Your experience and your preferences might cause you to look at what I say and decide that it's the biggest load of rubbish that modern waste-management techniques have ever had to deal with. No matter. If it succeeds in at least making you reflect on your own views—even if you just end up confirming them—then I'll be able to go to the great writers' home in the sky happy.

      I believe that a very large part of the activities, which we include under the umbrella of BDSM, rely explicitly or implicitly on control being asserted over one person by another. These people are variously called tops, bottoms, dominants, submissives, masters, mistresses, slaves, and so on. However, what they're called isn't that important. What is important is how they use control. My goal in this book is to talk about control, explain what it is, demonstrate it, show how to take it, how to give it, how to manage it, and more. I want you, the reader, to be aware of the ebb and flow of control around you and through you.

      Control is something that is present in many or most BDSM activities. It's explicit in many or most dominance & submission activities and lifestyles, and is usually obvious-to-a-blind-man in many bondage scenes, floggings, pain-play, piercings, and similar activities, where part of the thrill for one person is placing themselves in the hands (or control) of the other and just letting go.

      For many people, control is like a tool or a catalyst. These people might be into the sexual thrills that they can get via their scenes, or the endorphin rush from heavy pain-play, or the sub-space; and they use control as part of how they achieve this. Control, for these people, is not what they look for. They might not even realise the part which control plays in what they do.

      Then there are people for whom control is THE BIG THING. Dominants and submissives, as well as some masters and slaves, are usually good examples of these people. Their main interest is in explicitly controlling or being controlled by their partner. Pain, bondage, and so on become tools used to impose, or demonstrate, or manipulate control. These are the people I'm interested in. I refer to them, or the relationships where the element of control is primary, as control-sensitive. Control here is not a want, but a need.

      As I'm going to be spending a lot of time talking about control, I'd like to make it clear exactly what it is that I'm talking about. The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) defines control (the verb) as: To exercise restraint or direction upon the free action of; to hold sway over, exercise power or authority over; to dominate, command.

      I am interested in all of this, mainly in the context of one person controlling another. I won't be talking about things like blackmail or threats as a way of achieving control, nor will I be talking about using physical force to control someone¹. This still leaves a lot of ground for us to cover.

      The book is divided into five chapters. The first chapter—this present one—is called Introduction. This is where I'll be doing the groundwork: defining terms and providing background, which will hopefully make the rest of the book easier to digest. It is also where I explain what I think is a quaint relationship between evolution and dominance & submission.

      The following chapter, Transfer Of Control, is fairly meaty. It's where I'll be talking about what's involved in taking control, giving up control, losing control, maintaining control, giving back control, delegating control, what can go wrong as control is being transferred, etc. It's the raw mechanics.

      After that is a chapter on Communication. I know that every man and his dog has written something on communication, but there are some aspects unique to dominance & submission which are very important, but which are also rarely considered. I'll be looking at some of them here, including control of communication, plus communication and the impact on it of different headspaces or states of mind which can occur, such as sub-space.

      Sub-space, in fewer words than necessary to do it justice, is a typically inwardly-focussed state of mind accompanied by emotional or spiritual feelings such as loss of identity, floating, feelings of belonging, being protected, and desire to please the dominant.

      The last main chapter of the book is about Management. People involved in isolated scenes at play-parties don't face the same issues which far-reaching and long-term dominant & submissive relationships have to deal with. In this chapter I look at things like maintaining the feeling of control in the absence of the dominant, and long-term service issues.

      I end the book with a small(?) chapter of Discussion topics. In the chapters up to this point I have attempted to answer the questions I pose, and to properly explore the areas in which I trespass. In Discussion I am much more interested in posing questions without providing answers. I hope that you'll find material here which you can use as a springboard for further exploration with friends, colleagues and, of course, eager submissives.

      Using control is often a case of combining experience, talent, skill, understanding and instinct.

      When you lack understanding, then adapting your skills to new situations and partners is a hit-and-miss affair², simply because you don't know what is going on, and hence have no idea of how to fix it. In fact, much of life can become very interesting indeed if you don't really know what you're doing, and are just relying on things that have worked before… and then something changes.

      To my mind, part of the challenge in life comes from understanding and dealing with demanding and unusual situations. Regardless of whether you are looking for challenges or not, it's certain that the less understanding you have, the more you are confined to standard solutions, and the less you are able to deal with non-standard problems. This book is about teaching you awareness and understanding so that you can see more solutions, and are confined less to standard problems.

      I end this section noting that this book is mainly written for dominants. As they are the ones in control, they are the ones best placed to effect change…one would expect, anyway.

      Note: because I'll be using dominance & submission to identify the activity, and the same words as two separate things, i.e. dominance on one hand, and submission on the other, I'll use an & between them when I'm talking about the activity, and an and between them if I happen to be talking about them as two separate things which just happen to be mentioned in the same sentence.

      1.1. What do you mean by dominance & submission?

      It seems to me that there is, if not confusion, then at least a great deal of latitude in the use of labels in BDSM. There are tops & bottoms, dominants & submissives, masters & slaves and mistresses & slaves, and what each of these mean can significantly change, or even overlap, depending on which geographical region you're in, or to which community you belong. For example, what one person might refer to as a master & slave relationship, might be referred to by someone else as topping & bottoming.

      Now, because there is this wide variation, I would like to talk about definitions for a few paragraphs to make my own meanings clear. My apologies to those whose own understanding of the terms does not align with mine.

      I tend to think of tops & bottoms as people who mainly use sensation. It's true that the person wielding the flogger or tying the ropes is in control of the impact that the bottom feels, or is in control of the degree of physical freedom which the bottom has, but this is mainly because they have to create the situation or experience which allows the bottom to go where they need or want to go in their mind. There isn't much exploration of personal control; and it's mainly about two people doing something together physically, but going separate ways mentally and spiritually. Also, as a generality, the activities of tops and bottoms are confined to well-defined scenes. These scenes have a clear start and a clear end.

      In some locales, what I've just described as tops & bottoms would be what people call dominants & submissives. I would agree that sometimes dominants and submissives do the same activities as tops and bottoms—and even sometimes get the same pleasures and satisfactions from them, but I see dominants and submissives as having a commitment to exploring control with each other which often extends beyond the end of any planned scenes. Dominance & submission is usually not something that they do as a scene, and from which they then simply walk away. Instead it's something that is part of their relationship. While the dominant partner might be able to go out and be submissive with someone else, or vice versa, within their relationship(s) they don't switch with each other. The dynamic stays—even if not apparent or active—with the one partner dominant and the other partner submissive all the time. Dominant & submissive relationships therefore have a long-term element.

      Dominants and submissives explore control.

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