Holy Baloney

Holy Baloney

BY

John Dee

&

Katt Lynn

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Smashwords Edition

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By John Dee & Katt Lynn

ON

Smashwords

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Holy Baloney

Copyright 2016

By

John Dee & Katt Lynn

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Smashwords Edition License Notes.

This E-Book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

You know the rest of this speech, so do what is right.

Thank Ya

John Dee & Katt Lynn

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Legal Notice

This is where the all names are fictitious clause goes in

Plus in this book; No one and I mean no one gave me permission to use their name(s) fictitious or otherwise!

Table of Contents:

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Truths:

Preface:

Introduction:

Forward:

Disclaimer:

Special Dispensation:

Chapters:

One: Blame and Justification

Two: The Devil made me do it, and the will of God

Three: Smite, Smote, Pest and Pestilence!

Four: Geneses; or God starts things off Badly

Five: Exodus; or how to kill your neighbors while enjoying it.

Six: Will you believe it? Or how far we can go, before you cry; 'Holy Baloney?'

Seven: Exodus II, the sequel; other-wise known as Leviticus

Eight: Numbers; or how to kill the competition

Nine: Deuteronomy; or the ranting of a madman

Ten: Joshua; or one for all and all for all

Eleven: Judges or it just keeps getting better and better

Twelve: Ruth; or let’s see if the women can do any better.

Thirteen: 1 Samuel; to prophet or not to prophet

Fourteen: David and Goliath; or Jason and the Argonauts?

Fifteen: Long live the King; or what is truth?

Sixteen: 1 Kings; or who did what to whom, when and how?

Seventeen: Second Kings; or how bad can we be?

Eighteen: 1Chronicles, or let's do it all over again.

Nineteen: 2nd Chronicles; or you have got to be kidding.

Twenty: Job; or if it's all just a game; I don't want to play!

Twenty-One: Proverbs; or which one do I want?

Twenty-Two: Ecclesiastics; or More 'Holy Baloney' attributed to Solomon.

Twenty-Three: The Song of Solomon; or The fifth sequel to Solomon

Twenty-Four: Isaiah; or how to cover all the bases in one book

Twenty-Five: Jeremiah; or same old same old

Twenty-Six: Old Testament Conclusion; or what I have to say about it

The Brand New Testament!

Twenty-Seven: Mathew; or our new and improved god figure

Twenty-Eight: Mark; or Mathew 2

Twenty-Nine: Luke; or fiction writer extraordinaire

Thirty: John; or short and Sweet

Thirty-One: Acts; or Luke ІІ; The sequel

Thirty-Two: Romans; or can we get any lamer?

Thirty-Three: Revelations; or If you believed the rest of this 'Holy Baloney'; then revelations is for you!

Thirty-Four: Allah, Islam, and the Quran

Thirty-Five: The Jonny come latelies; or do I just stick them in the Sequel? Holy BLT

Thirty-Six: Last one; or do what's real.

P.S.

Truths

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Hell No; there ain't no Hell!

Hell No; there ain't no Heaven!

Hell No; there ain't no Paradise!

Strap a bomb to yourself and you are maggot food! There ain't no virgins waiting for you! You just wasted your life for some egotistical madman's political not religious aims!

Knock over that convenience store and Jesus ain't going to save you! You just lost a good portion of your life to the man! You ain't going get it back in some fictitious after life. It's gone dummy!

In the rest of this book we shall attempt to explain why!

We shall also attempt to keep an impossibly heavy ( made heavy so you would swallow it!) subject light!

Preface

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My Methodist Grandfather went to hell for back sliding; My Catholic Grandmother went to hell for marrying a divorced man; My Catholic father went to hell for not raising me 100% Catholic, along with marrying outside the faith, and my Baptist mother went to hell for marrying a Papist; so don’t even think threatening me with hell for writing this book is going to work.

Introduction

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In this book I plan to ask a lot of questions about religion. Please feel free to answer. I am positive your answers will be just as inane or asinine as the answers I have received over the last sixty years.

Let’s put my cards on the table up front. I am not an atheist, an agnostic or a Devil/Satan worshiper. There is every chance there may be a God out there. I just don’t believe in your God, if He/ She (You make the call on that one) is the Judaic/Christian God, the Judaic/Muslim Allah, or the plain old Judaism, Jehovah.

As any six year old, scholar of religion in Sunday school knows and has it further instilled as they grow within the Church/Temple/Mosque.

'If you ain’t one of US; you’re one of them and everyone knows that each and every one of them is going to Hell!'

Excluding; Native American (both north and south), Oriental, African Tribal, Australian Tribal, and remnants of those Old time Religions, (Greek, Norse, Roman, etc.) as having any hope of being The Correct Religion.

Your chance of being US; is approximately one in thirty-eight thousand fifteen.

Yep! There are 38,015 and climbing; Muslim/Jewish/Christian: sects/denominations and faiths out there; saying you picked the wrong one, and you are going to hell.

Myself; I tend to agree with 'Buffalo Springfield' back in 66 when they sang 'For What It’s Worth.'

This one line explains it all; 'Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong.'

This book is the product of my friend Dave, and his statements to others in my presence. For all practical purposes; Dave is a rational, intelligent and personable human being, except when it comes to his religion. I would introduce Dave to my friends as; 'This is my friend Dave.' Dave on the other hand, would introduce me to his Christian friends as; 'This is my friend John, he doesn’t believe in God.'

That made me wish I was Black, Gay, and Jewish. Then Dave could have introduced me as his Black, Gay, Jewish friend, who doesn’t believe in God.

These labels would have made me the most proper and desirable friend; a White Anglo Saxon Protestant could possibly have.

But the icing on the cake, the reason for this book, the pièce de résistance was when he explained to me, that not believing in his God or any other organized religion was in fact a religion.

Immediately, I checked Webster's and The Oxford Dictionary. They both allowed my friend was incorrect. I didn't stop there; I continued searching, and right on his coffee table was the book I had been searching for.

No not 'The Bible' silly; a religious pamphlet aimed at qualifying the Them!

And you know if Reverend Fred said it; it has to be correct. Therefore I am turning non-religion into a religion, so my friend Dave won’t go to hell for lying, according to his religion.

If all goes well in this new religion of non-religion; then soon, you will be able to hold your head high when someone ask you; 'Do you believe in my God', and your answer is no.

Forward

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When I was a child; I had the faith of a child. As I grew into a young man; I found out both of my mainstays in religion; were in fact false.

(The Easter Bunny and Santa Clause)

My Catholic friends in the north-east felt sorry for me because I was a protestant going to hell.

While my Baptist friends in Texas felt the same sorrow because I was a Papist going to hell.

Not the same Hell to be sure, but a Hell never the less.

It seems The Baptist and The Catholics have a different hell and heaven. In fact, the only thing these two religions could actually agree upon, was; 'Thank God he isn’t a Jew-boy.'

Of course my Jewish friend’s parents were going; 'Too bad he’s a Goy-boy.'

As far as my Muslim friends back in those days; I didn’t have any. Because, apparently back in the fifties; Muslims were preoccupied with killing Jew-boys in Palestine, while dodging Goy-boys.

Unbeknownst to you; two things have not occurred by now. Neither; you for reading this, nor me for writing it have been smote by Allah/Jehovah/God.

Have you noticed the way I have rotated who comes first in the deity lineup?

This is because all of your supreme beings have the manners of a spoiled three year old, and if I made one of them last all the time; it would be Sodom and Gomorra all over again.

Of course I need to be exceptionally cautious from now on. Because if I stub my big toe, or bruise my heel; some idiot will be yelling; 'I told you God would smite him'. And within a week, the priest and preachers would be shouting from their respective alters, and pulpits.

'God smote him for his blasphemous and evil ways!'

If you wish to read more about this smote-ing and smite-ing thing; I have devoted a whole chapter to it. Plus; there is the occasional smoting here, and a smiting there, sprinkled throughout the book.

My editor just got a hold of me. And apparently; I need to put this disclaimer in, prior to proceeding further.

Disclaimer

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Reading this manuscript any further, may totally screw-up your immortal soul and damn you to Hell for eternity.

Neither the author, editor, publisher, printer, wholesaler, retailer, et al; nor the person, or persons who give this book to you as a gift, are to be held responsible, liable, or culpable in part, or in whole; because your particular deity throws a tantrum and decides to get even with you for picking up, perusing, reading, or glancing at this book.

This includes but is not limited to any and all damnations. Any and all smite-(ings). Any and all plagues. Any and all 'raining(s) down upon' from above. Any and all mass flooding. And finally any and all swallowing's by large mammals, reptiles, fish, or insects.

While we are on the subject of Jehovah/God/Allah; we might as well include the Arch Nemeses. Satan/Ha-Satan/Ash-Shaytān.

The author, et al as above, shall not be held liable, so forth and so on; for any and all possessions, partial or complete; visitations and or manifestations by the top evil being, and or his/her minions, which may perhaps therein result, from your reading this book.

___________________ __________________

Signature Date

According to my editor; the following have placed an appeal for a 'special dispensation' announcement.

Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, War Department, the C.E.O.’s of various arms/ munitions manufactures, plus all religious, political and just for the heck of it terrorist groups.

Special Dispensation

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So as not to interfere with business as usual; allow it to be known to all servicemen/servicewomen; the 6th/5th/7th commandment (depending upon your religion) which is 'Thou/you shall/should not commit/cause, kill/murder/harm.' (Again pick your bible; pick your religion.)

Anyway; the 'Thou shall not kill thing' does not apply to any service personal in any Army around the world. You may hereby go on killing and maiming people; even if my book is wrong, and there is a god as the major religions perceive him/her to be.

Relax and enjoy.

The; 'Thou Shall Not Kill' clause was just put in for civilians.

Now; especially for the various terrorist groups.

The intentional killing of innocent children and women; if your God does exist, will not count against you. Unless; one of the women you killed was your neighbor’s wife and you coveted her, just prior to blowing her up.

But wait a minute; I almost forgot!

I was raised partially Catholic; therefore today and today only; I will give you two. (Count them); Two special dispensations; for the price of one.

For only ten ninety-five, plus shipping and handling; I will send you your dispensations and you may kill innocent women and children, while coveting the woman or child of your choice. And if you act quickly; we will include at no extra charge; three 'Masha Allah' certificates to use when you put your gun up to a child’s head and pull the trigger.

This way; you may say; it was 'God’s will' the child’s brains were splattered all over the wall.

Are you beginning to see what the Big Three religions are all about? Blame and Justification!

The Devil made me do it!

The will of God!

Speaking of which; this is the name of the next two chapters.

The whole idea of this book is to take a realistic look at religion for what it is.

A money maker. A controlling force of the populace, along with a power trip for all those involved.

38,015 religions are saying; you are wrong and going to hell.

38,016 religions are saying; I am wrong and going to hell.

1 religion says; you may be right and may not go to hell.

I say I am correct and the 38,016 religions are wrong, and no one is going to hell.

So read the book, make up your mind for yourself as to who is right or wrong. Then possibly, just possibly; I can save more souls from hell than Billy Graham and Oral Roberts combined.

Chapter: One

Blame and Justification

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A large portion of the people who read this book shall waste a large portion of their lives on blame and justification.

An even larger portion just thought/said 'Not me.'

98+% of the prisoners incarcerated in the jails/prisons of the U.S. and Canada; blame others for their incarceration.

This is completely understandable, when dealing with them; the criminal element of society.

But what about us?

How do you explain why 73+% of the hard working intelligent part of society, blame the cop for the traffic ticket?

Oh yea blame the cop, he/she made you roll through that stop line. Yes your honor; I saw the cop jump right into my vehicle and mash on the accelerator, until I was going seventy miles per hour in the fifty-five zone.

If you really want a lesson on blame and justification; put the bookmark in the book, close the book, and go down to your local city/county court. This is where you will observe supposedly intelligent adults spout some of the silliest words you have ever heard.

What does this have to do with God, Religion, and the Arc/Ark of the covenant you ask? Well I shall answer you.

Organized religion is the single largest business in the world. These combined churches make 'Wal-Mart,' 'Disneyland' and the U.S. Government look to be, the poor relations by comparison.

There are singular churches out there which have larger operating budgets per year than many third world countries.

This is what it is all about; getting your money.

If there had been no stop sign, or maximum speed limit sign; you would have not gotten those tickets; nor had the need to pay those fines; nor had to make up all those lame excuses.

But there were those signs, and you did get the tickets, made up those excuses, and paid those fines. If you had a lawyer to represent you; you may have gotten off without the fine.

Apparently lawyers and priest were invented on the same day. It seems it went something like this.

God was watching the industrious people of large village going about their daily tasks when he noticed ten idlers laying in the shade by the well. Approaching the group he asked each in turn the same question; What percentage of a person’s wage, would you charge to help them?

The ones who answered 40%; God turned into lawyers.

The ones who answered 100%; God turned into priest.

Yea, Yea, I know; go ahead look it up and give me the scripture on the 10% bit; meanwhile I’ll keep this going.

If you are one of the few who actually give 10% every Sunday, then in ten weeks the church has made 100% of your weekly wage and in one year the church has made 520% of your weekly wage.

Pop ten of your co-workers in the pews with you and the stakes go up.

But first; I have to put up the signs, hire the cops, and fix the fines so I may supply the lawyer/priest to assist you.

Therefore needs be; I invent an all-powerful invisible God. A crafty, but just as invisible devil. An inane list of commandments; which no one will obey, to go along with an ambiguous list of sins which changes weekly, according to the priest/preacher's mood.

This will automatically shift us in to the next chapter.

But first the quiz.

It is your junior prom; (assuming your religious persuasion allows you to attend. Otherwise; make this a church sponsored program of the same import and etiquette)

Marylou (your best friend) walks in wearing the most hideous rag of a dress you have ever seen. She walks over to you and states/inquires.

'I made this dress myself; is it ok?'

When you answer it is lovely; you have sealed your fate and assured my fortune. But only if I am able to convince you a Supreme Being, who created the universe and all in it, will now condemn you to a blazing inferno for eternity; unless I intercede on your behalf because:

A: I know this particular Supreme Being,

B: I know his Son; therefore I get favors, or

C: I know a myriad of special dead people, who will intercede on your behalf because I requested they do so.

Now here is the quiz. Do you really believe the creator of this universe gives a damn if you lied to Marylou?

And if he/she did, to the extent of sending you to hell for eternity for that one lie; would you particularly want to spend eternity with him or her up in heaven?

Chapter: Two

The Devil made me do it, and the will of God

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I knew a gentleman at one time who was of both moderate education (Junior college) and intelligence. He was a district manager for a chain of stores in the western seven states, therefore he traveled extensively. We both stayed at the Holiday Inn North in Denver, Colorado when we were in that city, and we both frequented the spacious lounge down stairs. We occasionally had dinner at the same table, verses eating alone and would discuss what had transpired in our lives since our last meeting.

On this particular occasion my acquaintance seemed somewhat depressed, subsequently I inquired as to his malady. He responded quickly as if he wished to divest himself of a burden. 'John how many women have you seen me leave this bar with?'

I answered just as quickly as memory would allow. 'Four or five Bob.'

He replied 'Close enough; did you know I was married?'

I opened my eyes wide, and shook my head to indicate a negative, and that is when the insanity became apparent.

'John; I have committed adultery and am condemned to hell for it, because I was a back sliding Christian, who found Jesus again, then strayed again. I am bound to hell, no matter what I do; for I allowed Satan to possess me and force me to fornicate with women who were not my wife.'

I of course replied instantly; 'Do What?'

'The Devil made me do it. He made me have sex with those women and now I’m going to hell.'

'Bob you made love to those women because you wanted to and they wanted to. You walked out of here, went to your room, opened the door, took some or all of your clothes off and proceeded to bounce the bed springs! You did it Bob and not the devil!'

'I know I did it John, but the Devil made me do it, and now I am going to hell for it.'

'Have you gotten a second opinion on this one Bob?'

'I don’t need one John; I am a lay minister.'

That was about when I got up, paid my check and then went to Albuquerque for the night. I felt it would be safer.

The Devil didn’t make you do it, whatever it is, but damn what an excuse! It exonerates you from everything! It is right up there with the ever popular 'I’m not Jesus', or the all-time favorite 'But I’m not Jesus.'

'I thought that the bible said; 'turn the other cheek.'

'It does, ‘but I’m not Jesus’, so I broke his jaw, stabbed him in the gut, then kicked him stomach while he was down, and took his money.'

'Why did you take his money?'

'Devil made me do it.'

This religion thing might not be all that bad. Between Jesus and the Devil you got all the bases covered, and ain’t anything your fault.

The 'will of God' is a lot simpler. If it is truly 'The Will of God/Jehovah/Allah,' then he/she can damn well do it themselves.

Any Supreme Being who is capable of destroying the earth by flood or Sodom/Gomorra by fire does not need my assistance in killing a six year old child in a market place.

Now, onto Smite, Smote, Pest, and Pestilence.

Get your various bibles out, because we will be using them rather quickly. And I know; you want to find me wrong. Because; the heretic Not being correct, depends upon that.

Galileo was a heretic. The priest said; 'the bible said'; that God said; 'the sun and universe revolve around the earth'.

Oops; big time 'do over’s' on that one. Plus; you may wish to remember, the founder of your denomination/sect was a heretic. Otherwise we would all be orthodox Jews or bowing down to Odin.

Chapter: Three

Smite.

Smote.

Pest and Pestilence!

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Smiting and Smoteing, Pesting and Pestilenceing seems to be Allah’s/Jehovah’s/God’s weapons of choice.

Personally; I do believe, any Supreme Being who conceived of heaven and earth. Surely could have, come up with something a tad bit more colorful than smiting and Pestilence to persuade people. But hey; that is just me.

Yea, yea, yea; I know; 'God moves in mysterious ways', 'God is all powerful, all wise and all seeing.'

Yea right. That would explain why He/She left two innocent kids in the 'Garden of Eden' with the Supreme Mc Nasty of the universe.

Before I continue, I have decided to save on slash marks.

From now on; God shall be a She; primarily because the one word encompasses both sexes. If you can’t find the he in she; then it is a miracle you are able to read this book.

So give me a; 'Thank you Jesus' and keep on reading.

Furthermore; I shall use whichever honorific I chose at the time, for the Supreme Being. If your particular 1 of 38,016 denominations feels slighted because I have not used Yahweh, as many times as God, I do apologize.

And if you will send me an official snivel, via certified mail; I shall rectify the problem, before the second edition goes to print.

Smiting and pestilence may appear to be two separate banes, but in actuality they are closer cousins than you may think.

Exodus 9:15 For now I will stretch out my hand, that I may smite thee and thy people with pestilence; and thou shalt be cut off from the earth.

This of course, certainly does not mean they are the same thing; far from it. Pestilence is pretty cut and dry.

While you may be smote with a pestilence; you always know that it was a pestilence, what smote you.

Such is not the case with smiting.

Apparently; if it looks like smiting, feels like smiting and smells like smiting; it isn’t necessarily smiting.

From what I have been able to decipher; it is an amount of time thing rather than an amount of destruction thing.

If you have sufficient warning; it is not a smite. Although there are many folks wandering around, who could swear they were smoted.

(It seems, there is no past, past tense, second person for smote.)

I give you Exodus 9:19 as an example and you tell me if the coming attraction was to be

A: a Smite,

B: a Smote or

C: neither of the above.

Exodus 9:19: Send therefore now, and gather thy cattle, and all that thou hast in the field; for upon every man and beast which shall be found in the field, and shall not be brought home, the hail shall come down upon them, and they shall die.

This brings us to another interesting point. It would appear; it is the common working man and woman who suffer the most from smiting and pestilence.

If Moses had just walked into the palace and asked I Am to smite the Holy Baloney out of Pharaoh; the children of Israel would have been out of Egypt in forty-five minutes and Exodus would have only been three chapters long instead of forty.

Most people claim, wish or express 'God is on my side;' not me.

As indicated earlier; I wish nothing to do with Allah.

She invented the concept of breaking wind under the covers, then pulling the sheet over a loved one’s head.

Let’s stick with Exodus and Moses, because we are already here. Nonetheless, I guarantee you; I shall find a hundred more examples Jehovah throwing sand into the Vaseline, if the need arises.

Picture this; Moses and Aaron are ditty bopping around in the middle of the wilderness arguing over the most eloquent and persuasive way of phrasing; 'Let my people go!'

Exodus 4:27: "And the LORD said to Aaron, Go into the wilderness to meet Moses. And he went, and met him in the mount of God, and kissed him.

28: And Moses told Aaron all the words of the LORD who had sent him, and all the signs which he had commanded him."

Now here is the situation as it stands. Moses has an insecurity complex and possibly anger issues to work out; (Exodus 1 through 4 inclusive) therefore he hooks up with his brother Aaron and together they are getting ready to take on the most powerful leader of the most powerful country on planet earth at the time. Northern or Southern Hemisphere; take your pick it don't matter.

So it is easy to understand why they could use a pep talk; possibly a few pointers, and maybe even a little help.

So Moses speed dials God’s 800 number to see what She can do for him, and what happens?

(If you don’t have the number; I am positive any of a hundred television evangelist will be glad to send it to you for only $29.95; along with the correct shipping and handling.)

I’ll tell you what happens for free. Exodus 4:21 happens; that’s what happens.

Jehovah; wisest in the universe decides to piss on the parade before it even starts.

Exodus 4:21: And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let the people go.

Moses and Aaron want to get the whole thing over with as easily and quickly as possible, and Yahweh could have transported all the Israelites to the 'promise land' the twinkling of an eye. That would have been an impressive event for both sides.

If Jehovah had grabbed a few hundred thousand people, animals and goods, then moved them through the sky for a few hundred miles. I guarantee you; all concerned would believe in the power of Jehovah after a stunt like that.

Instead; Your God, the one you do, and the one you want me to worship, so I may