Discovering Forever: Discovery Series, #4

Acknowledgments:

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Editor:

Dennie Fox

Cover Design: @ Erin Miller Photos

Erinmillerphotos@yahoo.com

Photography:

Inside picture @ K.P. Photography

https://www.facebook.com/pages/KP-Photography/1027454653934268

San Francisco, California

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Printed by CreateSpace, An Amazon Company

Dedications

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To my readers, my friends, my family and my close inner circle....

It hard to believe this journey with this series is over. Thank you for your support and love. It means the world to me.

I am so thankful for those who fell in love with Nix when he was just a character and he didn’t really have a voice. Thank you all for allowing me to give him a voice. #GottalovemesomeNix

XXX,

J.M. Nash

Chapter 1

Fall 2014

Sept 26.

I arrived mid-day. What a fucking nightmare. My brothers are all here and a mess. No one can seem to pull their head out of their ass to make a decision about shit. I finally took charge and told them to all shut the fuck up. No one had even remotely decided on anything for dad’s funeral. I was so pissed off three grown men couldn’t agree one damn thing. I blew up and I just started making decisions about everything from his casket, music and even to the flowers. I didn’t wait for them to even show up the first day.

Pretty shocking coming from the once shy person they all thought I should be. Well fuck them.  I shocked my mother by being someone so different from the last time I saw her. I shrugged my shoulders and said, You know, when you go through hell two things happen... ONE, you come out swinging and a survivor or TWO, you do nothing and you get burned alive. Fuck that shit. I hated my life when I first went to Cali. Now I’m proud of the shit I had to deal with.

Kat called and said the crew would be would tomorrow night. She said they had told Nix. She wasn’t certain if he was going to come or not. Really... they think he wouldn’t jump at the chance to see and talk to me? Something in her sulky voice told me he would be here sooner, rather than later. I didn’t give much away to Jeremy. He knew of the crew and of Nix, but other than the simple details, he didn’t know much. There was no need and what would’ve been the point?  There wasn’t one. It is what it is and that’s how it needs to stay.

Seeing that Jeremy has never been out to the Midwest, I am going to have a little fun with him tonight. Mom said that Montgomery’s Road House had Karaoke on Friday and great dance music if we wanted to get out of the house.  Guess where we are going? I gave Jeremy one of dad’s cowboy hats. He seemed a little pissed off last night when I made him sleep in the spare bedroom, but to hell if he thinks he can sleep with me. I have no plans to sleep with him. 

Anyway... mom asked me how Nix was. Knife straight to the heart! I said the only truth I knew. He was in Florida dealing with some things for work. She had no clue we hooked up and dated for a short time. Nor will I ever tell her that shit. No reason to! She doesn’t need to add fuel to the fire.

This morning was spent at the funeral home trying to make arrangements. Mom was no help and my brothers, well, like I said they could go piss off. My mom couldn’t believe I wasn’t more upset with my dad passing away. I just shook my damn head at her. WTH? I really had no feelings about him dying. It hurt, but I was so distant from everything that I hadn’t really cried. I doubted if I ever would.

Right now, I’m standing in my old room... Nix’s room too if you really stop to think about it. I didn’t tell Jeremy of our past in here. Not like there was much to tell, but in this room I felt him. It sucked. When I walked into the closet I found three shirts of his. I kept them after he out grew them. I am curious as to why mom didn’t throw the shit out. The top of the closet was lined with boxes. As I pulled one down covering myself in a light layer of dust, I sneezed removing the box lid.

Tucked inside were hundreds of pics of us together and of other friends. As I shuffled through the pics, I found a few of Brandon before our freshman year in college. Damn. We were so young. I didn’t even feel the tears until they splattered the back of my hand. I smiled as they continued to drop. For just a moment, I wondered what life would have been like if he would have lived. I set the pics aside when I saw the last picture Nix and I took before he left for college.  We had just gotten back from the lake. I looked like hell. I had fallen asleep next to him in backseat of someone car. I can’t remember whom though. My parents accused of us of having sex all the time. Ha! Little did they know? Even then I knew I loved him, but I didn’t know how to love him.

I reached above my head and pulled down his t-shirt from its hanger. It no longer smelled like him, but I still brought it up to me face. Burying my face in it. I wanted something to remember him. It had been two months. Two months... and I missed him. I won’t deny it. He ripped my heart out. I know for a fact I am going to be screwed when I see him. I won’t lie. I am not sure what I am going to do.

I stuffed all the pictures back in the box. I stood, keeping the shirt with me. I loved him still. Always will... Always have.

Nix

Sept.  26th

Oh dear heavens the mattress I slept on last night about killed me.  Even the hotel mattresses are better than the damn thing. Plus it was a twin. Don’t ask. I was to fucking tired to care. Everyone arrives later today. While I waited for everyone else to arrive, I went out and bought a new mattress. I tried to stay as low key as possible. I didn’t want Ansley to know I was back. Not just yet. I did call her mom and talked to her for a while. I saw my mom and dad, not that it was much of a visit to talk about.

I am nervous as hell to see her. Last night when I climbed in my bed, it seemed strange how we used to sleep in the bed together. But somehow we always fit. My stuff was still in the house, but my parents took nearly everything else when they left. So I had another mission to accomplish while I was here.

On my old dresser held pictures taped to the mirror. All of them were of us. The youngest pic I had was like ten I think. I don’t know. The pain I felt for being such a total asshole was indescribable. I hated every ounce of my being for pushing her off. I should have manned up years ago. I had forever in my hands years ago and I fucked it up. I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her if I had to. Ansley was everything. 

James and I had a heart to heart after I started fucking up. I really was falling back into the early days of Nix. Lost, confused and just plain fucking up everywhere I turn. I had to refocus my life. Direction, control and making sure everything I was doing counted, including fixing the fucking mess I am in with Ansley.

So I shaved before I left the house this morning. Two months’ worth of letting my facial hair grow... gone. I stood looking at the stranger in the mirror for a very long time. I didn’t like the man I had become. It took nearly losing my job and losing Ansley for me to wake my ass up. I really did a number on myself. But, I told myself no more. Grow the fuck up and get over shit.  I needed to be a man. I need to grow a bigger set of balls and deal with shit head on.

No, I may not like the outcome, but to hell if I wasn’t going to put everything I fucking had into fixing my life and that including getting Ansley back forever.

Chapter 2

I can’t believe you brought me to a cowboy bar? Jeremy groaned over the music.

Oh good grief. We are here to drink and have fun. I chuckled, jumping down from the high table we were sitting at. Come, I will teach you how to line dance. Another reason why I knew Jeremy and I wouldn’t last. He was no fun. Nothing new.  He didn’t have an adventurous bone in him.

He raised an eyebrow and reluctantly climbed from his seat. I held out my hand waiting for him to take it.  Although he had great hands, his hands were not Nix’s. They felt very wrong. They didn’t fit.

After the third song, I finally had him doing a basic line dance. Just as I thought he might have the hang of it, the tempo changed and the music changed to a two-step song. I cringed, but what the hell, we were here to have fun. So I kept him out somewhat still showing him, when I saw him.  I couldn’t see his face, but there was no doubt in my mind who was strolling across the room. I tried to keep myself in check as Nix headed straight our way. 

Nix didn’t stop. He went directly past go and straight towards us. As he reached Jeremy and I, he reached over and took his hat.  He started to turn around and stopped. He looked up as Nix stood over him.

Mind if I cut in?  His deep voice carried over the music. It wasn’t really a question. I am pretty sure if Jeremy said no, Nix would have cut it in anyway.  There was no way to say no to some like him.

Jeremy barely choked out, Sure. He dropped my hand as the word left him.

Before he stepped away leaving me standing in front of Nix, he took dad’s cowboy hat off his head. I looked down trying not to laugh, as I knew without looking he had placed the hat on his head.

When I looked up, I could not help but truly smile.  I saw what I had been missing. Yes, I was still pissed off as hell at him, handsome and goofy as hell, but that didn’t mean that he still didn’t have my heart. It took everything I had to keep myself from breaking down right there, bawling into his chest. I wanted to reach up and draw his face to mine, but I didn’t. For one, it would have been totally rude to do with Jeremy there and for another... I just couldn’t.  I just was not ready to reconnect with him just yet.  We needed to clear the air and not here. Not in front of anyone.

He didn’t speak; we just stepped into each other and finished the next two songs without missing a beat. As my hand steadied on his back, I realized how much he had changed. His once taught body, no longer felt tight. The muscles that used to rippled down his back, no longer there. This, our being apart had taken a toll on him. He was my Nix, but something was different about him.  It was almost as if the roles reversed. For the first time in our lives, I was the strong one and he had fallen. It was my turn to help the man who had helped me find myself.

The last song ended. Letting his hand slip from my back, he held on to my right as he stepped back and smiled. He started to step away, but just before he released my hand, he stepped into me.  My heart raced as the idea hit me. Nix may try to kiss me. Would he try? Would I let him? The millions of questions flashed through my mind as he leaned down close almost touching my lips, but instead leaned to my right ear, Just so you know. I still love you.

I couldn’t speak as he let go of my hand. His pivoted around and left me standing speechless as I my eyes followed him to the door and disappear without a backward glance. Jeremy stepped back in front of me breaking my eye contact with the door.

Should I even ask? He hesitated as I blinked and finally looked up to meet his questioning stare.

I did not know how to respond to him. Yes, I needed to tell him the truth, but I also was not sure what the truth was any more. There was no doubt in my mind over the next few days; my life would be full of crazy. 

Scared, nervous and pissed did not begin to describe all the emotions I had begun to feel. Being with Nix hurt and yet being without him hurt even more.  The only thing I was certain of... my heart still belonged to him and it always would.

God he smelt good. I couldn’t lie. I had been missing him. I missed his arms and his touch.

I was....

Home.

Chapter 3

I didn’t look back. If I did, I would have ran back and picked her up to hauled her ass out of the bar. I could not allow myself to be over whelmed with emotion. For once with Ansley, I had to maintain control no matter how hard it was for me to do.

As much as I hated leaving her standing there, I had to let her know what she was missing.  I want her to ponder what I just said. I was pretty certain the boy toy she was with was about to shit his pants when I towered over him. I loved how he gracefully stepped out of the way. I didn’t even have to ask twice. I put on the cheesiest ass grin on my face I could as he stepped away.

I had not even made it down the block when my phone binged. I didn’t pick it up right away. I knew it was her. I knew it would not take long for Ansley to text.

I wanted her to wait. The normal fifteen-minute drive back to the house took me additional twenty. I took my sweet ass time. I wanted her to ponder.  Needed her to wonder.  The moment I took her in my arms...I knew getting her back would be easy.  Well not super easy, but easy enough. But making her know I was beyond sorry was not going to be easy.  I don’t think she could ever really be mad at me. I think I hurt her more than anything. And I will admit...I did hurt her unknowingly.  I was a true dickhead.

I drove past her old house and the lights were off except for hers. I wondered if lover boy was staying in her room or if she had kicked into a spare room. Knowing her, she told him he had to stay in the other room.  I don’t believe there had been anyone else in her childhood bed... only me. Maybe Brandon. I shook my head.

I pulled into the long drive. As I put the truck in park, I saw James sitting on the first step of the porch. I stepped out and grinned.

Nice hat! What’s up with that grin? James announced as I strolled through the night air towards him.

I nodded lifting the cowboy hat off my head. I think I scared the shit out of the little boy Ansley brought with her. I chuckled as I sat down next to him. I looked over to James as he took another long sip of his beer.

What the hell did you say to the poor kid? James handed me a spare bottle he had.

Popping the top, I took a long drink before I answered him. Not a single damn word, except for can I cut in. He looked up at me, barely mumbled a word with a nod and stepped aside. I took the kid’s cowboy hat as he scurried to the barstool. I watched him watch her. He doesn’t stand a chance in hell. I paused taking a long drink. Oh, I did tell her I still loved her.

And what did she say?

I didn’t give her a chance to answer. I left the bar and headed home over half an hour ago. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and slid it open. A smug smiled spread across my face as her face appeared in a text. No sooner had I left the bar and headed home...she sent a text.

You are an ass. Poor kid. Kat got a text too. I am not sure what it said. James patted my shoulder before standing. Speaking of Kat. I need to go check on her. The flight sucked for her.

Okay. I will be up in a few. I need to return this text. I opened her text as the screen door slam behind me.

Ans- Nix... WTH! How can you just walk in here like that and walk out. You are an asshole.

Nix- You better believe I can and I did. Ansley you are not over me any more than I am over you. So...what are you going to do about Jeremy?

Ans- What do you mean do about Jeremy? He is my guest. He is my friend.

Nix- ‘Friend’ or fuck buddy? Did you really move on that fast?

Ans- He is a FRIEND! You, Liam Nixon Anderson are and ASSHOLE!

Nix- Never said I WASN’T. Miss SHOUTY CAPTIAL LETTERS. Are you really still that upset and pissed off at me?

Ans- YES! I AM! You hurt me. YOU of all people... HURT me!

Nix- How many times can I say I am sorry? We need to talk.

Ans- I don’t want to talk to you. I have too much shit to deal with and I can’t deal with you right now. You are the last person I want to deal with RIGHT NOW!

OUCH. That certainly hit below the belt. She was still pissed and maybe it wasn’t going to be so easy getting her back as I had hoped.

Nix- Well I am here. I am not leaving until you talk to me. You are going to need me.

Ans- I don’t need anyone... including you!  Stay away from me.

Really Ansley?

I didn’t give her a chance to answer.  I was going over there. I didn’t care. I was going to get in to her room. The short path was still worn even after all these years. I knew the path even with the small amount of light from the moon.

I jogged to her house. Her bedroom light was now off, but it didn’t stop me from climbing the ladder still attached to the side of the house to her window. I hesitated about tapping, but if I did she would have locked me out.

I eased my way to her window across the roof. I started to slide it open, only to realize she was staring back at me. Ansley didn’t stop me. Once fully up, I slipped inside. I don’t remember climbing in being so difficult.  My boot caught on the frame causing me basically to land on her. She shoved against me as I righted my body.

What the hell are you doing here? I told you to stay home? She whispered against me.

I told you I wasn’t taking no for an answer. Ansley you can’t shut me out for good.

I can try and I have been doing a pretty good job at it until... Her voice trailed off.

Until what? I showed up? I cupped my hand under chin drawing it up to make her look at me.

She tried to brush my hand away, but I held it. Nix, you are not playing fair.

"Never said I would.  When it comes to you, I will not ever play fair.  Ansley, I will spend the rest of my life making what I did up to you. I