A Forsaken Fate

Chapter 1

{Ava}

Starless, inky night. Quiet, quiet, the darkness was everywhere, a too-hot, too-heavy blanket engulfing me. Desperate, I searched for the tiniest of air holes, for the smallest bit of light, for any guide to the way out of the void. Depression hovered over me. He had walked away from us. He was gone. He had stopped loving me and had broken every promise made to me. My heart, echoing my panic, beat in a sporadic, rhythm-less disarray, the way I imagine a rabbit’s heart beats just before the animal is snatched up by a hungry and sharp-toothed predator. There was no up and there was no down and nothing to focus on but my sadness.

Such sadness.

I was afloat in an abyss of numb and disoriented mourning, void of air. I was suffocating and my burning lungs begged for a breath. Pleaded. The nothingness had seized my heart and my mind. A sad oblivion, a never-ending sorrow.

My toes had turned cold. I rooted, wiggled and searched for his warmth, trapped in a never-ending nightmare.

Chapter 2

{Ari}

You have to stop this. I can’t keep rushing out here every time you call me. Ava is upstairs, she could have heard you.

I don’t care if she hears me.

I care. She just had a baby a week ago…

That’s her problem, not mine.

Please, Fauna. I need some time. That’s all I am asking for. Give me time and then … I’m yours.

She pressed her palms on my chest as though we were some couple deep in love. I pinned a windblown wave of her hair behind her ear and she leaned into my touch like a stray cat desperate for attention. I could almost hear her purr from the pleasure it gave her.

How much time? she asked.

I don’t know. A few months maybe.

That’s too long. I’ve done enough waiting for you already.

I’ll still see you … we can plan it. You know … keep things quiet for a while. I just need you to stop calling me in the middle of the night. You have to stop calling me; she’s going to find out about you…us.

No. No way.

Fauna, I promise, I just need some time. Be patient. For me?

For you, I’ll try. But I can’t make any promises. I crave you. I need you so bad. She pressed her lips up to my mouth. She tasted like cinnamon. Tell me you love me." Her breath flowed into my mouth.

I do. I love you, Fauna.

Chapter 3

{Ava}

Ari? My small voice cut through the darkness. Ari, where are you?

Like a row of marching ants, my spine crawled. Shaking out my shoulders, I tried to rid myself from the feelings my nightmare had inspired. Our room was quiet and dark. No moon or stars to offer night light. The heebie jeebies, that’s what Aggie calls it. Back worries – that’s what my mom used to say. I can remember running to her bedroom at night with a nightmare still fresh in my brain. Back worries, back worries, I’d squeal all the way down the hall to her. She would catch me as I flew into her bed and she’d rub my back with her palm to soothe the worries away. I like to watch Ari do the same thing with Max – catch him, squeeze him tight and rub the worries away. I wanted to run now, screech down the hall until someone found me and swooped me up in their secure arms. I wanted to bury my face into a shoulder and cry my worries away, cry until I found a deep calm, a calm strong enough to let me sleep.

Ari? Despite the tension in my back urging me to stay put under the protection of the covers, I slipped from under the blanket and inched away from bed. My toes felt frostbite cold and I darted to Ari’s dresser, pulled open the top drawer an inch or so and snuck out a pair of his dress socks. I slipped them on – cute ones – the kind of socks I grin at when I catch a peek of them at his ankles, below the pant legs of a nice suit.

A door closed below in the house.

Ari? I followed my echoing voice down the hallway and called for him again from the top of the banister down to the rooms below. No answer.

Another door closed, softly.

The beep from our alarm sounded and the colored lights from the monitor in the downstairs hall beamed bright.

My footsteps made no noise and I moved down the first set of steps, through the living room and around the corner, following the path of light.

Ari?

What are you doing awake? he asked. It’s not even dawn. He was pale.

Cold feet. My shoulder leaned into the wall and I pointed down to his socks that had already begun to slouch at my ankles. What are you doing awake? I asked.

Come here, Ava. He stood at the alarm monitor and reached out for me, bringing me into his arms. Rubbing my back with his palm, he tried to soothe my worries, but even Ari couldn’t put me at ease. He pressed my body to his and I could feel the rapid beating of his heart. It pounded in his chest like that of a marathon runner. I shoved my face into his warm, scruffy neck and let my tears flow.

What is it, Ava?

Promise me that you’ll never stop loving me.

That nightmare again? he asked, his jaw bumping my temple as he talked.

I sniffled.

Ari tilted my chin upwards with a finger and pressed his lips to mine. He tasted new, like cinnamon.

No matter what happens, I will never stop loving you. That’s the truth – I mean it, never. He looked into me with deep, warm brown eyes. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you woke from a nightmare. I didn’t think you were going to wake up or I wouldn’t have left you.

What were you doing?

I was taking care of an … issue.

An issue? At four in the morning? What kind of an issue? Was someone trying to break in again? My fear had doubled since bringing Zadie home. If something happened to her or to Max or Ari, I would die inside. My nightmare would become a reality.

Shhh. It’s nothing.

When are we leaving? I think we need to leave for Greece before something bad happens.

Nothing bad is going to happen to you, or Max or Zadie. I would do anything to keep you three safe. Anything. You don’t need to worry, Ava. It’s my job to worry. Okay? Look at me. He tilted my chin up and focused his eyes on mine. We aren’t leaving now. You will be fine. Do not worry, he said again.

It’s hard not to worry.

I want you to try and I don’t want to talk about you losing me anymore. I want you to get back in bed.

Ari? I stopped him from ushering me away from the door.

Hmm? The muscles around his jaw were tight. His cheeks weren’t the peachy tan I was accustomed to. He was white, pale white, and his eyelids were dark and heavy.

I can’t sleep, I said. I’ve tried and tried. I don’t really feel well. I am sorerthan I thought I would be and …

Have you been taking the pain meds the doctor gave you?

They give me bad dreams.

Worse dreams than what you already have?

Well, no. But I don’t like them just the same. The blue ones make my nose itchy and the white ones make me feel weird. I just want a bath. I think it will help me sleep. Can you help me and maybe wash my hair? I think soaking in the hot water will feel good … please?

You don’t have to say please. I would love to give you a bath. You want one now?

Yes. Now.

Now it is, then.

****

Big bubbles that smelled like milk and honey foamed up in the water and inched closer and closer to the lip of the porcelain bath. Effervescent salts fizzed and added the citrusy flavor of bergamot to the airy mix.

Ari pinched the fabric of my nightshirt between his thumb and finger and gave a small tug. Do you want a moment alone to undress?

No. I want you to do it for me. You do it better than I do.

I certainly enjoy the job, he said, and started folding my shirt up my body, following it with his fingers, caressing my skin. He touched but he didn’t look. His gaze stayed put on the floor. Tossing my shirt into a corner, his thumbs hooked into the waistband of my not-very-pretty, plain undies. Ari slid them to my knees and then let them drop to the ground. His touch on my bare hips made my nerves buzz and my stomach flip.

The steam made the room hot.

He peeled his socks from my feet one after the other, tossing them to the side. Then he stood to take my hand. Go slow, the water is hot.

Just on the edge of unbearable, the water shocked me, and I paused as my foot broke the surface.

You okay? he asked. The water was soothing I and sank down into the froth and fizz. The soap on my tender body burned on contact but turned comforting quickly enough to help me relax. Ari folded a thick white towel into a square and placed it behind my head to pillow me from the hard porcelain.

Aren’t you getting in with me?

No, I’m not. This time is just for you. He got down on his knees and rolled up his shirt sleeves. Only then did I realize that Ari was dressed at a time when he shouldn’t have been. It was four in the morning and Ari had on clothes – jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. We had undressed and gone to bed together earlier. I peered down to his feet and saw grains of sand in the corners of his toes.

He leaned forward against the bathtub with a wash cloth and started to wash me. Drawing slow, soapy circles on my feet, then my ankles, then my calves and on up, Ari cleansed me with meticulous care. Neither of us talked. The sound of water dripping from the cloth was the only noise in the otherwise silent room. My questions of what he had been doing before I awoke drained from my foggy brain.

Hot steam collected on my face, neck, and chest. Ari remained focused on his task of gentle washing. His gaze stayed tight as he focused completely on his job. I watched him – admired him really – the firm line of his jaw, curvy lips that weren’t really smiling or frowning but that parted as he concentrated on cleaning me, the deepest-brown eyes I’ve ever seen and the lock of hair that fell forward as he bent his head, just touching his ears and falling in sweet disarray over his eyelashes. I reached up and ran my fingers through it.

Your hair is getting long … I’ve never seen it this long before, I said.

Mmm, his gaze stayed on my knees. I missed an appointment last week. Sorry. I’ll try to fit in a trim this weekend. Ari ran a wet hand through his hair, pushing the strands out of his eyes and slicking it back. His shirt stuck to his chest from the steam. I sucked in sticky, bathwater air.

No, don’t cut it. I mean, your choice of course … but you look good, really good like this.

He nodded and kept washing.

There was something about what we were doing that made my breath heavy. A hot bath in a dimly lit, steamy room at an hour when most people are asleep made me feel sweetly vulnerable. The setting was intimate, as were his cleansing touches. We went back to not talking. He kept his gaze away from my eyes.

His lathered fingers explored the little places that aren’t intended to be shared – the spaces between my toes, the skin behind my knees and under my arms. My skin came alive with every touch. Ari washed my hair and the feeling was so good that my eyelids had no choice but to surrender to pleasure and close. His fingers slid into the space between my thighs with a careful touch. My knees parted and my legs inched opened with the contact. He pulled away and cleared his throat. Ari leaned over me to wash my chest. My breasts were heavy and sore with breast milk and his hands glided across my skin with a soft, massaging rub.

I moaned.

He blinked up to me with wide eyes.

I could feel my cheeks, warmed by the water, turn redder.

Ari swallowed, his lips parted and again a lock of hair came loose and fell forward into his eyes. I reached my hand up to him, smoothed the strand back in its place, and leaned up to kiss him. His cinnamon breath pushed into my mouth and in an instant, Ari wrapped his palm at the nape of my neck and kissed me back, slipping his tongue past my lips.

I moaned again, pushed up to my knees in the tub and pressed my wet body against his chest. Water dripped from my skin like rain and droplets splashed back down into the water. He squeezed me and cupped my bottom, pulling me closer to him. My body fought with conflicting feelings. My need for Ari ignited in the deepest part of my tummy. My breasts swelled for him and the swelling was painful. The parts of me that wanted him fought with the fact that I was not healed enough to handle him … my need conflicted with the soreness between my legs. I whimpered with the ache. He stopped kissing me, took his hand off my bottom, and yanked the plug free from the drain.

Ava, we can't do this.

I looked downward and away from him. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. It's just … we haven’t been alone together in so long.

It’s been just a week. Ari pushed to his feet from his knees and removed a handful of towels from the linen closet and went back to not looking at me.

Ari…

No. Listen, maybe we shouldn’t have put ourselves in this situation. It’s probably best that you undress and bathe yourself. We still have five weeks before we can be intimate again. I won’t risk hurting you. He covered my body with towels as he talked, wrapping one around my chest and then another around my shoulders.

Ari, it was my fault. I kissed you…

He scoffed at me. Your fault? I can’t even look at you, Ava. God, I want you so much right now that I can only stare at your knees to keep from getting in that water with you and just … He took a breath, tossed another towel onto the floor and took my hand to help me from the tub. His shirt was soaked through with bathwater and suds. He ran a hand through his long hair again, slicking it all back. We need to learn to take things slow for a while. I don’t know how we’re going to do this. Christ. All I can say is thank God Max won’t leave the baby’s side and is sleeping in our bed with us. I don’t think I could sleep alone next to you for six weeks without having sex. He kind of smiled and it made my heart feel a smidgen lighter.

We’ve done it before. Remember? When you dated me, you definitely weren’t getting any then.

A puffy breath pushed through his air filled cheeks. Yeah, well, I didn’t know then what I was missing.

I giggled and his half smile slid up his cheeks into a full bright beam of white light.

Take it slow with me, okay, Ava? I am not the strong man that you think I am.

I can do slow, I said. And of course you are, Ari. You are a very strong man, and you are all mine.

****

In the bedroom, Ari pulled back the blankets on his side of the bed, stacked pillow after pillow into a pile at the headboard and patted the cool sheet on the mattress beside Max. Crawl in. Sit, he ordered. My body sank into a dip of the mattress and Ari placed Zadie into my arms. Her cries were still whimpers, not yet angry enough to wake Max and cause his alarm. Zadie nursed and Ari ran a wide-tooth comb through my tangles from the crown of my head all the way down my back to the ends. Long, soothing strokes.

I caught him watching as I fed her.

Sorry, he said, blinking and looking away. I'm not staring at you, I promise. It’s a pretty thing to watch that’s all – you nursing our baby. I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.

It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. It is pretty, I agreed and looked back down at our tiny new baby. She looks like you, Ari. She has your nose and the shape of your eyes. She has your lips. I traced the tiny curve of her upper lip while she drank.

Mmm. She has your green eyes and your messy, wild hair.

My hair isn’t messy or wild.

Ava, I have seen every one of your baby pictures a dozen or more times. Your hair was and still is messy and wild. It’s beautiful and I love it.

He wrapped Zadie’s tiny baby fingers around his thumb. She’s going to play the piano like you. Look at these long fingers.

I rubbed the bottoms of her bare feet. Her socks had squirmed off inside her blankie. She’s going to be a surfer like you. She has a tan line at the bottoms of her feet and she hasn’t even seen the sun yet.

We could stare at her for hours on end, inspecting and re-inspecting our little creation. Ari doted over her.

I yawned.

Hand her to me, I’ll change her and try to get her back to sleep for a bit. You shouldn’t have gotten up to find me.

What about you? Did you even sleep last night at all?

He took the baby into his arms and rubbed circles on her back with his palm. No. Not really, no. I’m fine though. I’ll soothe Zadie and I’ll go to bed too. Good night, Ava.

Chapter 4

{Ari}

Hungry.

Exhaustion crusted in the corners of my eyes, matting my eyelids shut with sleep. My shoulder muscles ached. I searched my brain for the cause of the aching and moaned at the ugly memory of sneaking out of the house to meet Fauna and then nearly being caught by Ava. I was tense and my stomach sloshed with sour bile from all of my uncertainty and now Max was insisting on an early breakfast.

I was having trouble separating the truth from all of the lies. So many lies. So much deceit. Ava once said that everyone tells lies – she’s right. She said, too, that sometimes lies can be good. I never agreed with her on that point.

My life is ruined – there is no denying this fact. I am bound and promised to another woman. I will die before I live a life without Ava.

Hungry... Max bounced on his knees around the mattress.

Not now, Max. Go to sleep.

Hungry. His palm and chubby fingers patted my cheek. Daddy, he whined, I’m hungry. Max bounced more on the mattress and Zadie cooed and worked at making wide-awake jabbers.

My knuckles rubbed vigorously at my eye sockets, attempting to knock the film away. Okay, okay, but let's not wake Mommy. Grab me my glasses from the nightstand and I’ll get you breakfast. Max bounced over Ava to get my glasses and I held my breath, fearful that he was going to wake her.

Thanks, Buddy. I slipped my glasses on my face but my eyelids were too heavy for them to do me any good. Crap, I mumbled. No amount of head shaking would knock away this fog in my brain. I couldn’t fight it anymore; I needed sleep. Ummm…Alright, let’s get up, I said.

Max skidded out of the bedroom and then down the hallway in bare feet and wrinkly, mix-matched pajamas and topped by major bedhead. I followed slowly behind with Zadie still cooing happily in my arms.

Pushing my dirty hair out of my eyes, smoothing the strands back, I looked around our kitchen. Cereal? I asked and saw him turn his little thumbs down. Banana? He stuck his tongue out at me. Fine. I sighed. What about yogurt?

No, he whined again, and stomped around the kitchen.

There was a half of a bottle left of Pepto in the basket in the top cabinet; I chugged it and tossed the plastic container in the bin.

Daddy.

After a long search for some scrap paper, I tore the bottom off a sales receipt I found in a paper sack and scrounged around for a pen. Balancing Zadie in my arm, I scribbled a messy note in blotchy red ink, and left the message for Ava to see on the countertop, hoping she would be able to decipher the chicken scratch. There were only so many places Max and I could go on foot and I was pretty confident my brilliant wife would find me, note or no note. The pen rolled along the marble counter, dropped and hit the floor, then rolled further to the refrigerator.

Alright, let’s go, I mumbled, grabbed the diaper bag and slid open the glass door for a short walk up the beach.

Ma? I hesitated in my parents' back doorway and had Max wipe the sand clean from his bare feet. Ma? I called to her a bit louder and she appeared from around the corner.

Ari! Hi!

Hey.

What’s going on? Is everything alright? Where’s Ava? She took in the sight of Max’s pajamas, me in flannel pants and no shirt, and Zadie in her onesie and no blanket. I had stowed the blanket away in her big bag instead of wrapping her up tight in it like I should have for a breezy morning.

Everything's okay. Ava’s home sleeping. Mom, I need you to do me a major favor.

Okay…, she said, but chewed on her bottom lip.

Watch Max and Zadie for like maybe three hours. That's if you aren’t too busy. I need to sleep. Please.

Come in. Of course I will watch my grandbabies. This isn’t a favor, it’s a treat. Her teeth let go of her lip and her very pretty smile stretched up her rosy cheeks.

Oh, God, thank you, Mom. Zadie just nursed not even a half an hour ago so she'll be good for a while. Here’s a bag of her crap. The blanket is somewhere in here. I frowned, dumped the diaper bag on the kitchen table and fished her soft, cream-colored cover out of the mass of clean diapers and the jumble of things I had grabbed without even being sure what they were used for.

Max tugged at the drawstring on my pants. He was too shy to ask his Yaya for breakfast and I saw that I would need to speak for him to speed things up a bit.

Watch out for her dirty diapers, they're downright nasty and I’m sorry to do this to you but Max is starving, Mom, and we have no food in the house. Can you get him breakfast?

How do Yaya’s homemade waffles sound? she asked him with a wink. And maybe some bacon and cheesy eggs? Max fist bumped the air with the extreme joy that only a three-year-old can have. Give me that baby, Ari. I can't wait to get my hands on her.

I handed Zadie over and my mom looked down at her with absolute love.

Um. I rubbed at the back of my neck. Mom, thanks. You’re … I love you.

And I love you, Ari.

Listen, Ma, can I sleep here?

Her face fell. Are you sure everything is alright? Are you and Ava doing okay because I can help and talk with you both…

No, no, we're good, really, I promise. I just … I could use a quiet bed.

I just put new sheets on the bed in your old room. Sleep as long as you need to. Don’t worry about a thing. We'll be great, she said and looked over to Max with a great big smile. Morning at Yaya’s. She cheered and Max clapped his hands.

Dad’s not here, is he? I asked.

You just missed him.

Right. I left Ava a note, so she'll probably be here as soon as she wakes up.

Ari, relax. I am so happy to help.

You are an angel. I pressed a kiss to her cheek.

And you are delirious. Go get some sleep.

Thanks. I forced my feet to carry me in the direction of the hall.

I like the way you're wearing your hair now, by the way, she called after me.

I fell hard into the bed and my eyes closed before I could take off my glasses or worry about my own sandy feet. The sheets smelled my like my mom’s house and department store. They didn’t smell like Ava at all, which, for the first time in a really long time, was a good thing. I couldn’t think about how I was deceiving her and knowing that the worst was yet to come. Even more, I could not get the late hour kiss out of my mind – the way her lips had felt pressed against my mouth. Moaning in agony, I shoved my face into a pillow.

****

Sleep no longer offers peace. My mind moves from one horror to another.

The waves crash far below me and smash into the side of the cliff.

I hold on to images of her as I jump. My death is the water. Swift currents pull me deep into the belly of the sea. Cold tide pushes into my mouth and seawater flows quickly into my lungs. The scene is looped; the replay begins. Death is my only option.

Chapter 5

{Ava}

Morning! The scent of freshly brewed coffee made me smile. I think this note means my family is here but I’m not absolutely sure. A wrinkly receipt stained with a few red pen marks was pinched in my grasp: at mom’s. pls feed cat. I had to trace the scribbles with a pen I found on the floor near the fridge to decode the broken lines in the letters.

They’re all here, Aggie said, waving me in. Max found an early birthday present under my bed and it’s keeping him busy in the playroom.

Oh, no, I grimaced in apology.

No worries, it’s just a little one. There's a bunch more – I kind of went overbroad. No big deal. Come in, come in. Coffee?

Please. My head bobbed a great big up-and-down yes and Aggie pulled down my regular coffee cup from the cupboard to pour me a hot cup.

I put Zadie in the swing, she said and pointed across the table to Zae, who was all gussied up in a flowery pink and ruffled outfit. On her head was a frilly elastic headband with a color coordinated flower attached to the front. It was an outfit I knew didn't come from any closet in our house.

I hope you don’t mind that I put her in the swing … she was starting to fuss a bit and the swing calmed her right down. Zadie's rocking was slow and gentle. Aggie placed the coffee mug down in front of me along with a warm plate of waffles, bacon and eggs. "Did you notice Zadie's outfit? Ari brought her over this morning with only her onesie and a diaper on, and it’s chilly by the water. I bought that little dress when I was