Advice from a Wild Deuce

Introduction

Oh, hello. I’m Tiggy Upland.

I have the unique honor of writing an advice column for and about bisexuals. Can you imagine? Just try. No, you’ve undersestimated the pure beatitude of it all. It’s so much better than that.

Ask Tiggy lived happily on the Bisexual Resource Center’s website for many years and has since purchased its own charming bungalow at www.TiggyUpland.com. Every day, I receive letters from bisexuals, friends and foes of bis, families and partners of bis, would-be bis, has-been bis, and those who just want to reach out and touch some bi.

It’s nothing short of a privilege for me to provide navigation with a bird’s eye view to fearless bisexuals piloting their own lives. Whether a letter reveals a completely unexpected scenario, or speaks of an age-old emotional thoroughfare that many bisexuals have traversed before, each gives me an opportunity to cinch our community closer through shared history and culture to determine a proper course of action for ultimate happiness.

I now present to you the best of my advice column from its initial 4 ¾ years. It offers first-person accounts of bisexuals leading lives far more interesting than my own, so if you’re inclined to turn the page, you’re in for a treat. Interspersed throughout are boxes of pithy observations to which you’ll no doubt relate if you are a bisexual. They are from my year-long project entitled You Might Be a Bisexual, which you can still find on Tumblr and Twitter. Also, whenever you see an asterisk (this: *), that means you can find more information in the section at the end titled Resources.

I hope you find this book useful, touching, entertaining, or – dare I say – all three. I have to admit, I got a little tingle right when you picked it up, so I don’t think either of us will be disappointed.

As I say to those who write in to the column: Much bi love to you, my Wild Deuce. Keep reading.

Glossary

As you peruse this concentration of bold bisexual counsel, you might come across unfamiliar words. Please refer to this glossary for an explanation on the particularly queer expressions in this book.

- B.I.: Stands for Bi Inclusive. Refers to the bi(sexual) identity housing other middle sexualties under the its umbrella. This includes, but is not limited to:

- Fluid: a bisexual whose attraction is ever-changing

- Heteroflexible: a bisexual whose attraction leans toward the opposite gender

- Homoflexible: a bisexual whose attraction leans toward the same gender

- Omnisexual: a bisexual for whom gender is a consideration in attraction

- Pansexual: a bisexual for whom gender is not a consideration in attraction (i.e. a genderblind bisexual)

- Pomosexual: sexually postmodern; a bisexual beyond the categorization of sexual orientation (considered a more academic label)

- Queer: non-specific LGBT (considered a more radical label)

- Bisexual Flag: Created in 1998, the top pink stripe represents homosexuality, the bottom blue stripe represents heterosexuality, and the purple stripe in the middle is the combination of both.

- Butch: A gender identity among LGBT people to that acknowledges masculinity through its associated traits, behaviors, styles, self-perception, etc. Typically ascribed to women.

- Cis: (short for cisgender) People whose gender assigned at birth matches their body and personal identity.

- Femme: A gender identity among LGBT people to that acknowledges femininity through its associated traits, behaviors, styles, self-perception, etc. Typically ascribed to women.

- GSA: Gay-Straight Alliance or Gender and Sexuality Alliance. Support and social groups for LGBT people, typically found in high schools and colleges.

- Hetero-, Homo-, or Biromantic: Indicates one’s interest in romantic – but not necessarily sexual – relationships with the same/opposite/many sex(es)

- Intersectionality: A concept describing the ways in which oppressive institutions (racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, xenophobia, classism, etc.) are interconnected and cannot be examined separately from one another. [Credit: Geek Feminism Wiki]

- LGBTTTQQIAA: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Transsexual, Two-Spirit, Queer, Questioning, Intersex, Asexual, and Ally

- Middle Sexualities: Sexual identities between straight and gay.

- Poly: (short for polyamorous) The practice, state or ability of having more than. one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full. knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

- Synergy: The interaction of two or more elements that creates more than the sum of its parts.

- They/their: Gender-neutral pronouns; e.g. I asked Jim if they wanted to go, but they declined. (In this example, they refers to Jim.)

- Ze/zir: Gender-neutral pronouns; e.g. I gave it to zir and ze happily accepted.

Chapter 1: Bi Basics

I regularly receive certain basic questions whose answers lay the foundation for sorting out bisexual identity and common (mis)understanding: Can you tell me if these symptoms indicate whether I am bisexual? Is this a phase, as my friends attest? How does one successfully grapple with biphobia?

Consider the following ten exchanges a Decalogue for life as a Wild Deuce.

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a sixteen-year-old girl and I’m at a very confusing part in my life. As a kid, I identified as straight because I didn’t know there was any other option. I had my first real crush when I entered ninth grade, and it was on a girl. I really wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was really confused, but I made myself get over her. I see girls and check them out. There’s so many of them at my school, it’s like constant bombardment. Every crush I get is on a girl. I do think guys can be cute, though. There’s this one boy that I want as a boyfriend.

Thinking about sex with a guy sounds painful to me, but I’ve never tried it. I’m also curious as to what sex with a girl would feel like. Girls really turn me on. One of my friends came out as lesbian to me and I felt like I should have come out to her, but I have no idea what I am. I have never kissed or been with anyone before. I want to come out. Should I come out as bi?

—Booklover

I want you to think of your sexuality label as a favorite shirt.

Do you have one favorite shirt for your whole life? Probably not — maybe you grow out of it, maybe you move to a different climate and it’s not warm enough anymore, maybe styles change and argyle suddenly seems passé. But it’s just a shirt, not a suitcase of diamonds that you’ve handcuffed yourself to. When it’s not working for you anymore, you get a new one.

The two most important things about this shirt are that you like it and it fits. Only you can decide those things; no one else has to wear your shirt, so they can’t judge whether it’s bunching up in the armpits or if the color kind of washes you out. Tiggy the Saleslady can offer you some suggestions but remember that it’s always in your hands. Don’t let some fool put a shirt on you. And hey, don’t overthink it. Worst case scenario: you get a case of buyer’s remorse, so you get a new shirt. No biggie.

Lemme take a look at you…I’d say you’re probably a size Q for Questioning. We don’t really know until you try it on, though. You don’t have to wear it in front of anyone right away, or ever. Take plenty of time to look in the mirror and decide how it feels. People usually determine the comfort based on whether it jibes with their crushes, their fantasies, their romantic history, their politics, their culture, and their view of themselves. You call the shots on how important each one of those things is. Finding the right fit is an art, not a science.

If the bisexual label feels more comfortable to you, then great, go with that. Bisexual was a label that a lot of questioning folks used to use before Questioning became an option. Some bis are still touchy about that, but only because after using our label as a safe harbor, a handful of former-bis went on to spread the false rumor that all bis are just closeted gays/lesbians. (What people don’t realize is that a large amount of folks do the opposite, i.e., identify as gay or lesbian and then later change their label to bisexual.) So as long as you’re not a hater later, you’re more than welcome to snag a fabulous bi shirt for however long you want it.

Why don’t you research what each letter of our community means and see how you feel about them: LGBTTTQQIAA. Also, check out the definitions of these B.I. (bi-inclusive) identities: fluid, pansexual, omnisexual, and pomosexual. You might decide to keep your straight shirt on for now even though you think you’re growing out of it – that works, too. Last but not least, there are many people who are most content with no sexuality label at all. That’s right, even going topless is an option.

I know that this process can make you feel like you’re in an airport on a layover: you just want to get where you’re going already. But we’re all on our own lifelong, dynamic journeys of sexuality, and getting there is much more than half the fun. I think you should focus on building relationships with people you think are cool, entirely regardless of gender.

Absolutely do not push yourself to try anything romantic or sexual that makes you uncomfortable; it will not prove anything about your sexuality one way or another.

Good luck, Booklover, and happy shirt shopping!

Dear Tiggy,

I don’t fancy any men, but I admit to, on the odd times, going to gay bars when traveling. I also, once in a while, go to gay/bisexual saunas where I give some men hand jobs. I just like both the look and feel of a man’s private parts. I know I fancy the females…am I bi or what?

-U.K. Stevie

Dear Tiggy,

I’m a 33-year-old male and I have been married to my wife for about seven years. Unfortunately, I haven’t been faithful throughout the course of our