A Need to Breathe: Rebuilding Hope, #1

CHAPTER ONE

Lena stood at the living room window staring across the river where the industrial buildings lined the river bank. The only indication that the world had changed since they’d moved into the apartment was the lack of crowds. Even two years ago in New Surrey, when it was sunny and warm, people would have been walking the seawall and the sound of kids at play would have drifted up to interrupt the silence.

There weren’t many kids anymore, since the global measles epidemic took most of the babies. By the time the doctors had figured it out, it was too late. It only took a few infected kids on a plane to take out almost every country. Kids born now were kept safely inside away from contagion until they were able to be vaccinated. Would they remember? Was eighteen months old enough to realize you hadn’t seen the sun — ever?

Lena understood, but she wasn’t sure if she agreed. Everyone was vaccinated now; shouldn’t that mean babies were safe? But that fear was just another factor in her plan to leave.

The news today about New York City felt like a step through a door to a dark future. She could feel it in her bones. Every day there was a little less freedom, a little more restriction. The world was ruled by people who were afraid, and this city wasn’t any different. In New York, they’d declared martial law. People had to share their tiny apartments so that the dwindling resources could be more efficiently used. Rumors had it that there was only a year, maybe a little more, supply of fuel oil and gas outside of the oil producing areas. Fuel was too expensive to transport around the world, and no one seemed interested in finding a real alternative. People had to rely on solar, or wind, or something else, none of which would power a car, a plane, or a ship.

Was she the only person who thought it would be better to leave and start again on a farm? A place they could grow their own food, raise animals, and babies, live with more freedom than they had here.

The sun went behind a cloud and her image appeared in the window. Lena reached back to release the band that kept her braid in place letting her hair fall past her shoulders. Brian liked her hair loose. Maybe that would help convince him, because he would be home soon, and this time she wouldn’t back down.

Even in the dim reflection, she could see the contrast between her fair skin and black hair. Was there physical evidence of her dissatisfaction? She had always been thin, and with her height it looked worse. People often thought she was weak, but she wasn’t. In her window, she looked the same as she always did, no dark circles of worry under her blue eyes, no twitch of impatience, nothing to give away her plans. That was good because they would have to go in secret when they left.

There was no getting away from the fact that they’d need to take some supplies and the powers-that-be would probably find a way to make that illegal soon.

The sun erased her reflection as it passed out of the cover of a cloud, Lena told herself it was an omen of success.

She turned at the sound of Brian’s key in the lock. It was time.

Before he made it down the hall to the living room, she had a glass of wine ready for him. There was plenty of local wine available, it just wasn’t as good as the imported vintages she remembered.

He took the glass from her with a puzzled look. It wasn’t her usual greeting. In fact, usually she was marking papers, or planning lessons and barely noticed he’d come home. Thinking of her class made her sad. She’d miss them when she was gone.

What are we celebrating? Brian asked.

Lena took a sip of her wine. Now that it was time to put into words, it was harder than she imagined. Not so much celebrating as commemorating. Did you hear about New York?

Brian took a gulp of wine. Are we going to talk about this plan of yours again? Yes, I heard. It makes sense for them. They have a huge population. Transporting resources will be easier with people living close.

It won’t be long before that will be us. Lena wouldn’t let his blindness to the situation deter her from making her argument. How will you distribute food to the people living on the outskirts when we finally run out of fuel? That’s supposed to happen too soon to find alternatives according to the latest restrictions. And electricity? Water? How long before they get rationed?

He put his glass on the coffee table and took her hand. First of all, it’s not me who decides how supplies get delivered. You know that’s another department altogether. What I can tell you is that there’s talk of using horses, and bikes, and all kinds of non-gas fueled vehicles, to make deliveries. We are not going to force people to share living quarters. We, that is the larger towns, we keep the services running. It doesn’t take many people to keep the power grid going, and solar is easier. The water system is the same.

Lena was surprised that as much as she wanted to believe her husband, she could only think that he was deluded at best. More likely he was just giving her the party line, and he was so deeply in the leadership that he believed what he said. It just didn’t make sense to her.

I know you believe that, Brian, but I don’t. She set her glass beside his and pulled her hand away. I think we need to find a place where we can build a life.

He gave a little sigh that reminded Lena of her students. It was annoying when teenagers did it, and patronizing when her husband did.

Let’s pretend you are right, he said. Why do we have to leave? We are part of the solution here. Your teaching job will always be valuable. I’m part of the decision-making level. We have a life here. Those services you asked about? They won’t be reliable outside the organized areas. At least not for much longer.

Lena closed her lips tightly to stop the words spewing out. How long before she was told what to teach? How long before books were removed from the curriculum? How long before all she taught boys was how to be good at approved jobs, and girls how to be good wives? But it wasn’t time for that argument. This isn’t the life we pictured.

Brian looked away from her. It was his usual way of telling her the discussion was over. Lena wondered if he’d been like that before things had changed. He rose and walked to the window, standing where she had been a few minutes ago. Was he seeing the same thing she had?

I don’t want to talk about this anymore, Lena. He turned from the view to look at her — look down at her. Can you just stop trying to get back to what we had before things went wrong?

Lena knew he wasn’t ready to see life as clearly as she could. This life they were living was only going to get smaller and more about survival than living. I’m not trying to get back to before. I’m just trying to find something that feels more normal. Something with more breathing space. She wasn’t going to give up, but Lena was willing to give Brian time. They weren’t going to agree tonight. They delivered some beef today with the grocery allowance. I made a sauce to go with the pasta.

CHAPTER TWO

The next morning Lena made tea with the last of the leaves from the beginning of month delivery. The coffee supplies had apparently been used up months ago. There were rumors that the tea was almost gone too. They were going to have to rely on locally grown herbs to make any kind of hot drink soon.

Busy day ahead? Brian asked as he sat at the table. He didn’t wait for her answer, just buttered his toast, and kept talking. I was thinking about what you said. Didn’t get much sleep because of it.

Lena didn’t want to start the day with an argument. She was doing exam prep lessons all day so she’d be worn out; it didn’t help to start with the emotional aftermath of a fight. I thought the topic was closed.

Brian took the mug of tea she handed him, poured in milk and then answered, Is it? You know that there are rules about taking stuff out of the city, and about hoarding. You don’t want to get in trouble, do you?

She knew he’d edited his comments. He hadn’t said ‘and embarrass me’, or that the trouble might affect him. She’d noticed he hadn’t slept, even if he hadn’t been aware that she was awake too. It didn’t take much imagination to work out that he’d been practicing his argument, not considering the sense of her plan.

Despite her reluctance to argue, Lena couldn’t stop herself from speaking. When you said that we wouldn’t do the same things as New York, did you forget we’re already rationing? She kept her eyes on the contents of the breakfast plate. At least chickens were local, they had eggs, and wheat was grown not too far away, so rations always contained bread or pasta.

That’s exactly why we aren’t taking such drastic steps. Rationing now will mean resources stretch as long as we need them. We’ll find a way to make it work. He touched her hand to make her look at him. Lena, don’t obsess over this. It’s not as bad as you imagine.

She nodded, not in agreement, but as a way to stop the discussion. He just needed time, more indications of what was coming. Eventually he’d realize she was right.

Good. I don’t see the point of leaving anyway. If it’s so bad here, where there are schools and hospitals, and a police force, what do you think it will be like on your aunt’s farm?

Peaceful and less like a prison.

Brian, it’s okay. I get your point. She picked up the last of her toast and stood.

Lena, you won’t have anything like the services you get here. If we do go to the farm, how do you plan to run the equipment? There won’t be fuel deliveries.

I forget you never went there. Aunt Mae was a Mennonite. She kept her farm small, and used a horse not a tractor. How had she forgotten that? Brian didn’t like to travel outside the state. Even to Manitoba for a week. He’s always said Canada is a foreign country, and I like it here. I have to get in early. There will be a ton of questions from the kids. Exam prep, remember?

I remember. I’ll get dinner at work; you can just relax when you get in.

Lena knew he was being kind. Brian always complained about the food at work. Well don’t stay too late, she said.

Lena grabbed her school bag and kissed Brian on his cheek before she started for the door.

I’ll try, he said. We’re working on how to best deal with people who aren’t participating in the community work hours. Can’t make it acceptable to laze around while everyone else pitches in.

He didn’t even see how that made her case. They weren’t that desperate for help that people needed to be forced to work. There were too many of their neighbors still clutched in the agony of losing children. No matter how long it took, people should be allowed to grieve. The government would be using its time better dealing with the gangs that were growing all over the city. Too many kids lived without parents, or with parents who couldn’t care for them.

Gangs were targeting kids who had no way of seeing a good future, pulling them into a life of violence. Kids who’d survived the epidemic because they’d been vaccinated. Kids who wouldn’t survive long in a gang. There was no vaccination for that.

Lena picked through the box of food staples that had been left outside their door. Was this really all the variety they could manage in the gardens? Before the epidemics, she’d had seasonal local vegetables delivered and there was more choice then. Now, it was whatever the city leaders deemed appropriate. She knew they got more in their rations because Brian was one of the leaders. She’d seen Ava’s box often enough, and Ava was a teacher, supposedly important, on top of that, she had two kids to feed out of pretty much the same rations as Lena and Brian got. No matter that he denied it, there was always a little something extra in their box.

This time she saw barely ripe tomatoes, a small bag of dried beans, and a vacuum sealed salmon. It would make more sense to Lena if they ate well in season, but apparently, it was better to preserve the fish and ration it out all year. The rest of the box was dried pasta, canned sauce, and a bag of tea. She wouldn’t be able to save any of this for her travel supplies. Perhaps that was part of the philosophy; don’t give anyone enough to hoard, or supply an escape from their rules.

When she got to the farm, she’d make sure everyone had enough to eat, and no one would feel trapped.

Lena stepped across to the balcony. Being outside, even in this small space, made her feel free. It was a place she could think, a place where the influence of the city rules didn’t seem to matter. She knew she couldn’t go alone. Even if she left by herself, the farm needed people. There were only a few she could trust, but she had to ask them. More people meant more skills, more heads to plan their journey. Brian might change his mind, but if he didn’t, she wasn’t going to let him hold her back.

His key in the door interrupted her mental inventory of what she needed, and how they could transport everything.

Lena, he called.

She stepped back into the living room, pasted a smile on, and kissed him. You’re late. Busy day? Let him talk about his job and he’d have no reason to ask her questions.

Not too bad. It’s getting harder to keep people engaged. Well, that’s probably not the word. It seems like people fall into the blues easier these days. Too many call in sick. The kids don’t seem interested in anything but joining gangs. He hung his coat on one of the hooks beside the door. I don’t know where they are getting the supplies to make these new drugs.

Lena opened a bottle of wine. One of the good bottles. Their stock was getting low, but if he was in a bad mood it was worth the cost. You’ll figure it out soon. I can try to ask around the school, if it would help. Her students would know where the drugs were coming from, but she didn’t think they would say. It was just something to make Brian feel like she was involved with his problems.

No. That’s not your role. He took the glass from her and sipped. A smile of appreciation crossed his lips. We all have to keep to our assigned roles; otherwise things get complicated.

Since when had he called her job a role? Lena’s stomach clenched at the thought that they were closer to the future than she feared. No. Not feared, knew. This was what happened when things got tough. People in charge got more powerful. She’d seen examples in every society, from Bountiful with its polygamists, to whatever the last terrorist group was called. When people had power, they didn’t hand it over.

There were still cans of soup left from the last food box, she opened one and heated it in a pot while Brian changed from his work clothes. She needed a reason to be out of the house in the evenings. She needed time to plan and gather people for the journey. It was going to be harder to make small talk all evening when her mind was on the future.

Brian set the table and poured the rest of the wine. I have some news for you. He took the bowl of bread from her and placed it on the table.

Lena nodded for him to continue as she ladled the soup.

He sat and unfolded his napkin. That news you heard.

His pause made her want to ask what news, but she kept quiet. Brian would spool out the information at his own pace.

He tasted the soup, chicken noodle. Delicious.

Lena nodded although she thought it too salty. If they gave her chicken she could make better soup.

New York, Brian said. The rumors aren’t true. Some dissatisfied anti-government propaganda. The citizens are still free to live where they want.

Lena shook her head. Brian couldn’t be right. The news had been so detailed. How do you know that the denials aren’t propaganda?

The mayor got it directly from the government communications. He broke a slice of stale bread into pieces and dropped them in his bowl.

What government communications? Lena hadn’t heard that the cities were coordinating information. Was it good that they were? Or would the bigger cities sabotage the smaller ones? If they needed supplies, it was an easy way to get information. Or was she being paranoid?

Brian chuckled. She hated that sound. It made her feel like a child. As though he’d been amused by her unworldliness. The old Brian wasn’t this patronizing. When had he become this irritating man? Was that why she convinced herself that it was vital to leave? She tried to push the thought away, but knew that there might be truth in the nagging thought that she was using her fears to cover the fact that she really wanted to leave her husband.

Did you really think we were muddling along by ourselves? Brian pushed his empty bowl away. The mayors share ideas and experiences. We are still part of something bigger.

That doesn’t mean they don’t lie to each other.

The cheerful light went out of Brian’s eyes. This nonsense of yours is just that. I think you need to let it go. It could be dangerous to talk about leaving.

Why? Aren’t we free to do as we see fit? The patronizing was bad enough, now he was talking to her as if she was dangerous. No, not even that, as if she was a rebellious teenager. Perhaps it really was more about leaving Brian, than leaving New Surrey.

I didn’t mean that, Brian said. He’d heard the anger in her voice and knew his argument wasn’t working. I meant the gangs might hear and who knows what they’ll do.

It was a weak statement and Brian knew it. Lena shook her head. She needed the conversation to end before Brian stumbled onto her doubts. Fine. I won’t bring it up again.

His smile returned. Lena couldn’t believe he’d been fooled into thinking she’d drop her plans, but if he stopped talking, she would get the space to work out her feelings.

Pushing up from the table, Brian wiped his lips on the napkin. Good. Now, I have a late meeting to get to. I’ll probably be home after you’re asleep. He bent and kissed her cheek before heading to the door.

Brian didn’t usually have meetings after work. Lena couldn’t decide which was worse. The thought that Brian was getting deeper into the government, or the thought that he was having an affair. Either way, she didn’t want to fight for him.

CHAPTER THREE

Lena could see the papers sitting outside all the doors on her floor. She was usually the first one home of her neighbors, and that meant always seeing what had been delivered. Brian never gave her advance notice of these changes, probably knowing she’d argue with him. She would, even if there was nothing to be done. The notices, printed on yellow paper to get people’s attention, were never up for discussion.

She bent to pick up her copy before unlocking her door.

Three pages.

It wouldn’t be good news.

She dropped the papers on the table and changed out of her work clothes before settling down to read the contents. She hadn’t slept well for the last couple of nights. She’d been trying to work out if Brian was right. That she was turning the changes necessary for survival into attacks on her freedom because something else was wrong in her life.

If she was right, the proof would come too late for her to act. If she was wrong? Well, leaving for the farm wasn’t a bad choice no matter what the rules were in the city. The farm would be self-sustaining. She’d make sure they had someone who could hunt, and teach others. And someone who could dress the meat so they could save it for the future. She’d done her research on farming, and she’d hidden away all the books she could find about agriculture.

She checked the clock. Brian would probably be home in an hour, and he’d expect her to comment on the notice. If she didn’t, he might suspect that she was going to leave. She didn’t think he’d report her, but she couldn’t take the chance.

The first page was a lengthy explanation of the reasons for the new rules, and what was supposed to be a reassurance that the city leaders were looking out for the citizens. To Lena, it was all a little too much rationalizing and too little reasoning. The second page listed the new rules.

1 All citizens will be in their homes by nine pm on weeknights, and eleven pm on weekends.

This was to keep the gang