Healing at the Harbor

Preface

Where do I begin... let’s just say... I MADE IT!

It’s been a journey and not an easy one. It has been scary, strengthening and eye opening. I have gone from a "perfect little life, to a highly dysfunctional life, to a homeless" life, to a life that I only dreamed I would be living. The details of the dream are nothing as I imagined but the comfort and bliss I found has made the journey all worth it.

There are a few things I have always disliked/hated: Chickens and eggplant; riding a city bus; missing out on family functions; being away from my children; driving old cars that are not in pristine condition; cockroaches; using coin operated laundry machines; having to hang your laundry; camping in a tent; ballerina buns; country music; wearing miniskirts and FISH... Crazy how now that I look at the list these are all the things that I had to adjust to; living this life of mine in Maui.

I have always been taught, To hate something is to love something.... If you didn't love it to some degree, you wouldn't use any energy on it to hate it.

I used to tell my husband, Feel lucky I hate you right now, it means I must still love you! and it was true. Near the end, I didn't hate him at all. There wasn't any emotional charge at all… One day, when he repeated his behavior, after 23 years of marriage; the energy I held towards him was so neutral. Sure I was disappointed in his behavior but I finally didn't take it personally. Instead of hate, I just held compassion towards him... It's too bad he doesn't grasp this family love he has at his fingertips and enjoy the love we have to offer him. Which brought more compassion into the space of …That's too bad he doesn't feel comfortable with a stable family life because he never had one. Which took me back to a few of my first memories with him...

Steve and I had been married in 1988, (two years after losing our first born to adoption). My uncle who is a doctor said, Steve will never forgive Keri for giving his son away. It will be a very rocky relationship if it lasts.

Well, being 18 and "so in love"; I thought, "What does he know? Our love is strong."

To some degree I had pretended the adoption never happened; I had a brick wall up all around my heart helping me with the facade that My baby died... My baby wasn't meant to be mine... I'm not good enough to be a mother... Life goes on... Get over it... I did the right thing.

Well, in the two years we were moving on, Steve developed a like for drinking. By 1990 Steve had gotten into trouble, alcohol related, and was faced with jail. The judge ordered a rehabilitation treatment. In this rehabilitation treatment, I was confronted by the counselors/doctors, in regards to Steve, This man has been so neglected by his parents and so violated as a child, he will never be capable of trust or love in any kind of a relationship. We advise you leave this relationship while you still haven't brought any children into this world with the man. (Little did they know, it was already too late for that.

Well, that was the saddest thing I had heard. I hated the thought that these counselors/doctors were saying this man is unlovable and doomed to live a life without love. In my thinking, he already was the father of my child.

I took the challenge to prove them wrong and committed to love this man for better or worse ‘til death do us part, just as I had promised on July 23, 1988 in those vows of marriage when I said ya (I do). For you see, in my truth, this IS the father of my child… even if I didn't actually have that child with me... It didn't matter if our baby had died, was kidnapped or was placed in adoption... the loss is the SAME. In my head Steve is the father of my first born child. When I would allow myself to think of my son as alive, living with someone else… there was always this conviction in my heart that I will meet him as soon as The Universe allowed... Obviously that factor played a huge part on my loyalty to that father of my child.

Being raised LDS (Mormon) I was solid with the beliefs; "Families are Forever... Cleave to your husband"... Coming from a divorced family, having the loss of my father and then the loss of my son, I obviously wanted to hold strong to this programming.

I knew much loss and I didn't want any more of it. I was committed to Steve from that day forward... and let me tell you, it was NOT a pleasant union most of the time.

Steve provided well financially; he didn't physically abuse me... In my eyes, the relationship wasn't dysfunctional enough to give up on him and the good times made up for the bad.

In 1992, Steve and I moved from SLC to Idaho... After one month, Steve came to me and said, I think this was a bipolar move, I want to go back to Utah.

My mother (a graduate in psychology) has in the past, tried to help me understand this man to whom I was married to. She had explained bi-polar to both Steve and I… bringing awareness… helping us, help Steve.

After packing up a whole house in a semi and moving a 65 gallon salt water fish tank to a different state, just to have Steve say after one month, "Oops, I want to go back"... I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get Steve on Lithium, a drug used for bi-polar.

After hearing our story, the Dr. turns to me and says, There must be bi-polar in your family for you to have put up with this behavior for as long as you have, as well as you have. How many times has your mother been married?

"Twice"

"How about your father?"

Well, at the time he was on wife #5 and has since married a 6th time before he passed.

"Okay, there it is, that explains it."

After prescribing Steve on Lithium the Dr. warned, Steve may not like being neutralized, they like their manias. And boy was he right!

Steve did not like his thoughts being shut down. I remember watching TV with him after on Lithium. After ten minutes of watching, Steve turns to me with such concern and asks, What are you doing? He was concerned that the Lithium was affecting him maybe in a bad way.

I asked him, What do you usually do while you watch TV?

Steve answers, A billion things, my mind is usually constantly racing with thoughts and ideas; problem solving, while I watch TV.

So I ask him, How do you like sitting here just watching TV?

"I don't know."

Well obviously he couldn't stand it because we packed up our house in a semi and moved our 65 gallon fish tank back to Utah after only three months in Idaho.

It had been nine years after we lost our first child, it was 1995 and I was still childless and married to Steve. We then pursued fertility treatment. Subconsciously both Steve and I wanted to replace that baby we lost and when no oops happened after 7 years of marriage without using any preventative action (knowing the combination worked so well the first time) we went to find out why.

Doctor finds my fallopian tubes totally blocked, having too much scar tissue from an earlier infection. My doctor had concerns of a tubal pregnancy so he suggested IVF. Steve and I sold our 5th wheel trailer, 4wheelers, and wave runner to invest in a baby.

On October 8, 1996 Dallen Kale' was born with Kirah Dawn following 2 years later, on March 21, 1999.

By the time Kirah was born, Steve and I had been married for 11 years. It was always a rocky road but it was doable and I never pursued divorce no matter how bad it got. As far as I knew, or wanted to believe, Steve wasn't cheating; he wasn't abusing drugs; he would work a lot; drink a lot; was gone a lot; but he would always make time for the vacations I demanded; and he always provided a nice home for me with financial abundance.

After Kirah, (my third child) was born, we invited Steve's family up to my family's cabin to have a Stone family reunion. My father was there and this would be the first time Steve's mother would meet my father. I look over at my mother-in-law as she is witnessing her son interact with my father for the first time. Her jaw hanging, she says to me, I now know why you have stayed with my son as long as you have.

Ya, you could say, I married my father…Being married to Steve was always challenging and brought me sadness most of the time.

I was able to be a stay at home mom; signing my kids up for everything that was offered: Music Together; Little Gym; lessons for instruments; dance; horseback riding; skateboarding; skiing. You name it, we did it and I made sure the family went on one trip a year to be able to spend quality time with their father. Steve worked so much and when he did come home he would not interact with us much; pulling a Brian Wilson (Beach Boys) glued to the TV in our room.

I'm glad I stayed with Steve as long as I did. My children know their father and in knowing their father they know themselves. I also cannot imagine the reuniting with our eldest son in 2006 if we weren't together. It was such an emotional roller coaster ride with tons of drama as it was; I cannot imagine riding that ride with Steve and I not being together. I have heard about those other reunions where the mother of loss and father of loss are played against one another at such a higher degree than what we were dealing with and the degree of drama that we were already living was so much… I could not imagine Steve and I not having each other to make sense out of the madness.

After the reunion with our first born son, we moved back to Utah from Texas to salvage our marriage again. Steve had started drinking heavily; adding pills to the mix. Our entire marriage had been one that was always in counseling, in church, striving for Steve's sobriety and happiness. He would succeed at sobriety off and on. It seemed that every October til February was his hardest months. It made sense, as a young age of seven, Steve’s father left his mother on Christmas Day and then ten years later, (to the day almost) December 26th, at the age of 17, he was coerced into signing away his rights for his first born son.

It was now 2007, we were back in Utah with the goal to heal our family from that thing called adoption. At the time, Kai, (our eldest) was rejecting me. It is part of the roller coaster ride of reunion... Honeymoon, Reality, Subconscious Rejection from the Adoptee... but I had read, (and it stands true), Be patient because the 4th curve on the ride is Can’t Live Without You. Putting you back in the Honeymoon" phase again; basically surviving the emotional development between mother and child. The relationship starting out in the infancy stage and continuing on a fast paced crash course of emotional development to adulthood.

On and off the roller coaster ride we go, Kai is coming around. By 2008, Steve was sober again, family going to church again. By 2009 Kai goes on his LDS mission and the following Christmas…Story of Mother Mary…Kai's Birthday…Anniversary of Loss... my emotions hit hard with my eldest son being away from me. Being separated once again, triggering all the emotions I hadn't faced, head on... So I wrote book one, Life Goes On (basically the Honeymoon of the story). It was very therapeutic, everyone wanted to hear the story and I just couldn't tell it anymore. Retelling the story kept me there, energetically. Little did I realize that book two, Letters to my Missionary was unfolding (the Reality of our relationship as mother and son); to have of course book three follow Mothers of Loss, (a mother's emailing group I had joined to discuss the Rejection we were all going through in our reunions)... and now let me present to you, book four, Healing at the Harbor... which of course is the last curve of that emotional roller coaster ride, the realization of Can’t Live Without You. Which brings us together once again for that beautiful curve of Honeymoon, the coming together again. The never ending story continues...

Disclaimer

Before I continue with my story any further, let me tell you a little bit more about myself... I am a Hippie's daughter. My mother had divorced my father when I was four or something. My mother married a well-established man 18 years her senior. The lifestyle of my immediate family changed drastically. I went from living under a young Hippie's roof to living under a very structured, disciplined religious roof.

For a few years after the divorce my sister and I had continued to see my father. But in 1976 my mother decided to get married in the LDS Temple with my stepfather and part of the requirements is that the stepfather was to adopt my sister and me. My father, being adopted from birth and being raised with this Mormon Theology understood the rules and regulations, if you will, of the ordinance requirements in the religion... My father signed his rights away for his two girls and basically ran away from his home, SLC Utah. The added loss and rejection was too much for this adoptee.

I didn't see or hear from my father again until 1984 and that story is all in the first book I wrote. The reason I even inform you of this... I have always been very familiar with Marijuana.

Remember, my father was a Hippie. I had been around the medicinal herb since birth. I had witnessed firsthand the effects of it, (more good than bad by far). I even have young photos of my sister and me where we look a little blitzed. I have memories of my sister and me sneaking against my mother's will to go sit in the circle with daddy and his friends. I have memories of weekends with my daddy where daddy let my sister and me be the leaders! Being in charge of directing the adults where to go; handling my daddy's money for him so he wouldn't lose it; basically being the lady of the house, taking care of my daddy and my baby sister... I LOVED MY WEEKENDS AT MY DADDY'S... they were what I looked forward too. And then he was gone out of my life mistaken for dead after being absent for four continuous years without any contact with anyone.

Anyways, by the time I was in 6th grade and some 9th graders asked my good friend and me if we knew what a bong was, it was a no brainer to take a rip. I pretty much smoked regularly from then on... well as regularly as a junior high student gets it offered to them back in those days, which isn’t as much as these days.

So just to set the record straight, by the time my father had returned back to Utah and my life when I was 14, I was already smokin’ the ganja. So when my sister and I had our next visit with our father… when he smoked, we smoked. It was so healing smoking weed with my father.

1984… My father had returned to his SLC home for a short time. One of the first things he did was pick my sister and me up for a visit. We would always go to my grandparent’s cabin; lighting up the moment we pulled out of my parent’s driveway. We would get to the cabin stoned out of our mind; unload the car, packing in multiple trips of groceries and bags of things up this steep handmade stepping stone staircase path... I rarely mention the names of each and every grandchild that were etched in the surrounding cement around those stones that you had to step on with each step up... Mostly because it rubbed in the known fact that my father is the adopted one… For you see, all the grandchildren’s names are represented with the exception of any of my father's children in that stone staircase.

My daddy taught me how to smoke the herb and get shit done, eat, think; basically live life more peacefully and enjoy this thing we call life. My favorite part of this relationship with my father and my sister smoking together was the philosophizing that went on while hanging with my father in this way… We would study everything; music, history, math… I found it so amazing how much this Stoner Hippie guy that I am getting to know as my father, knew about the scriptures and for the first time, I liked the translation. I would have to say, this is what started my own spiritual journey.

In my eyes, my truth, I witnessed how much better my father did when he was medicating with Marijuana instead of alcohol. In my true opinion, my father’s downfall was when he quit medicating with Marijuana. Wife #6 requested a Temple marriage…which meant go to a medical doctor and give up the herb… My father changed. I think he found a good woman. My father wasn't the man I knew... He had sold out... Our relationship dwindled. My father ODed on those prescribed pills in 2009 and they revived him.

In 2012 a few weeks after I moved to Maui, my father's wife found him dead at the cabin.

My opinion on Marijuana??? Do I even need to say more???

When I got pregnant with Kai I quit smoking (I never really smoked cigarettes just weed). But of course I am going to turn to the herb that heals the most after placing Kai up for adoption… I was a total Stoner until I married Steve Stone and became Keri Jean Stone… a lot of my friends saying, Ya that name fits you soo much better. (I had always had a hard time fully letting go of the Dangerfield name I was born with and roll with the name from my Step Father. Poulsen never clicked with me. I was delighted beyond belief when I first found out Steve’s last name… STONE).

Very soon after marrying Steve, I had a front row view of how alcohol affects a person… I had been drunk a few times in my day... I always hated how out of control I felt and it definitely was not worth the hangover the next morning… My daddy had taught me to stick with the natural stuff, Be a Stoner never a Juicer.

I knew Steve had a problem with alcohol, I requested he stop drinking. I quit smoking weed once again… I am not a hypocrite and if I was going to ask Steve to quit, I was going to quit my drug of choice too. All that we can ever be is a good example… after all, we are only in control of ourselves… I stayed pretty damn sober and straight, for fifteen years.

The next time I started medicating with weed again was in 2004 when my husband of 16 years got caught cheatin’ and was expecting a child with another… she was ten years younger than me. Both my father and my sister who were both married in the Temple, came up to me separately suggesting that I start smoking some weed because I was having a hard time processing in my head WTF. I was concerned about me not being a good mom so I tested out half of a little blue legal pill (valium or something) that many of the Temple worthy Mormons are prescribed and had the worst trip I’ve ever had. It was like being drunk and stoned at the same time… I can’t be a good mom on this shit… I have been smoking the herb ever since.

Desert Rocks

By Dallen

June 2011

Watching my Dad use and abuse alcohol and pills has saddened me since the age of 6.

To cope with the hurt of my father's drowning of sorrows, the affairs, and Kai coming back into our lives, (who was also a disappointment to me with such imbalanced Chakras) my mother started smoking Marijuana.

My father was abusing legal pain killers and alcohol more than ever around the time when my brother moved in. Kai would go to bars with my dad. He was also on prescribed medication with me following suit; Which flared the Tourettes more than ever, bringing rage into it. I decided at 9 years old, I'm not doing that chemical shit anymore!!

During this whole time my mom was smoking pot (the illegal medicine that Kai always criticized so much). Kai, (my older brother who I was meeting for the first time) was stealing, bringing a hooker home, and letting his woman friend smoke cigarettes in the house, or he was off vandalizing somebody’s belongings which would lead to a fight with my mom.

My mother would be so hurt she’d smoke a bowl to calm down. I witnessed my mother use the medicine of her choice ... Marijuana ... no slurring of her words; seeming like the same person but much brighter, happier, and peaceful; matching the energy the smoke session provided for the whole house; calming us all down from her interaction with Kai. The only side effects I have seen to this day from her smoking the herb is her red eyes and sometimes she has minor forgetfulness. I saw all sides of each so called medicine.

At the age of 14 my natural high off life had started to fade away. My emotions and thoughts manifested a worsening case of Tourettes and a horrible case of Leaky Gut Syndrome. The illnesses stemmed from undealt issues of past and new issues on the rise. In trying to decide what the best medicine was for me, I had been asking everybody I felt comfortable with about their medication

From the information and energy I got from peoples’ experiences with every drug, legal and illegal (never even having met Mary Jane in person) I had decided that the natural herb was the medicine I would try the next time it was presented to me.

Two weeks later, my family went to Desert Rocks. My dad was assisting a friend with putting on a festival in Moab, Utah. By this time, I was fully aware of my mom's usage of Marijuana so when my mom was going to go on a walk, I said I'll join you mom.

Hesitantly, my mom allowed me to join her on her walk. With us both knowing what she was doing, we walked to the middle of the forest from our hotel room.

When my mother turned her back to me while lighting the pipe she said, "Don't look at me."

I laughed and said, "It’s time for me to find a medicine for myself."

Shocked she said, "I can’t! Kai used it against me and people will think I'm a horrible mom!"

I then told her, "It’s not your decision its mine, It’s time mom. If you don't do it with me I'm going to have a bad trip with my friends."

So I took my first hit. I was so shocked to find an astonishing skunky citrus aroma fill my mouth; seeming too good to be just a plant. I took two more hits. I had smoked the same amount as this heavyweight veteran. When the high hit it was pretty intense. Everything was so beautiful as if I was seeing everything for the first time. The trees and nature looked so vibrant and vivid it was like nothing I had ever felt.

A sudden security came to me when I realized that life wasn't going to be nearly as stress filled; as I had been anticipating/experiencing up until this point. The constant chase of the destination had shifted to the journey now being the destination. I knew that with this herb I'd appreciate every life moment for the miracle it is. It really showed me the beauty in life which I somehow knew I would need for the trials awaiting me.

My whole perspective and appreciation of life from that point forward would continue to greatly improve my mind, body, and spirit. The ganja got my mind thinking more deeply than it ever had gone with a vivid imagination to go along with it.

Marijuana really helped me get out of the linear left brain thinking that is pushed on society. My mind was balanced with the right brain's creative intuitive thinking. I soon pursued Meditation, Yoga, Reiki, Tai Chi, organic foods, exercising more, and grasping the things that truly matter in life. I dropped out of school. The Internet (limitless information) much too complex to be coming out of a middle schoolteacher’s mouth became my new source of knowledge.

This thinking also brought frequent excitement saying multiple times a day, "I can’t wait for Hawaii."

Let Us All be Real

August 2011 Blog

Folks, I saw two movies in one day!

It was my husband's birthday on Saturday. We honored my husband's birthday on the 26th instead of the 25th this year. For you see, through Numerology, we had discovered that the passport officials were correct and that his parents had remembered his day of birth wrong.

My husband has always loved going to movies. I on the other hand have a little problem called ADHD, so I don't like to frequent movies as much as him. Since it was his birthday, I let him dictate the day. We woke slowly and went to the theater to see The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I'm not even sure if that is the title, but I am a huge Planet of the Apes fan! I remember the black and white and then color TV episodes. Loved it!

WOW WOW WOW!!! I cannot rant and rave enough about this movie!!! Of course that is how it all started!!! How did we not all already know!!! Right!

And the preview for it ... "TIME"... OMG!!! Cannot wait!!!

Movies are getting SOOOO good and so true to reality. It seems all the great shows have the theme of adoption in them. After all, 70% of the population is affected by it.

I don't want to spoil it, but you all must go see!!!

Caesar has identity issues and because of his intelligence he is able to rise above it (accept it), find his identity (heritage) and help his kind (species of origin) rise above for a better life together as One.

After this amazing movie that I truly want to see again IN the movie theater, we came home and I cleaned the house until around six. My husband thought another movie sounded good. This time we went to see Idiot Brother... Loved it! Steve was getting frustrated with the brother that kept being too honest for his own good; A trait I have that has gotten me into trouble many times as well. Our problem? We are so REAL. You ask us a question and we tell you our truth; we believe in everyone; we see people at their highest potential of who they can be; we trust everyone... we are incapable of lying.

Movie was great, the sisters get so annoyed with their Idiot brother for innocently speaking truth and being incapable of cover ups, making them own their truth and face their reality, owning it, accepting it... until at the end, (when he had to go back to the slammer for saying too much and being too REAL with his probation officer he had mistaken as a sincere person who cares) The sisters who at first were so annoyed with him for innocently making them face their truth; bailed him out because they realized his honest integris self is a great way to be. TO BE REAL with oneself, owning your truth, facing the reality, acknowledging it, accepting it and loving it... IS TO BE LOVING YOU.

The Story Continues…

August 2011

"I can't wait for Hawaii", Dallen would repeat continually until we were on that plane July 21, 2012.

"Dallen, I don't know about this Hawaii thing you are all so excited for. Things are looking bad; I don't even see a vacation anywhere in the near future, let alone Hawaii." I would repeat back continuously, until...

March 2012, when I took Dallen tanning and the tanning salon lady introduced herself as a Medium and told me many things but most importantly... "You are supposed to be in Hawaii... next to Wayne Dyer, wherever he lives." and with that, she continued to instruct me to go see her healer friend down south to help prepare us for what’s to come.

This beautiful gifted woman (Suzi) continued to give us messages explaining what was going on at home... Steve was using heavily, the worst I had ever seen.

Dallen had known Steve was using "black. Dallen is a Crystal child; he has always had a sense of all knowing. Even though he didn't know what black meant or was, he just knew. Dallen had insisted we catch Steve doing whatever this black" was and October 2011, we did... black is HEROIN.

It was October 2011 when the shit really hit the fan. Kai had returned home from his mission, married and moved away. The adoptive parents’ behavior had gotten so possessive over that boy of ours they adopted... seriously, the mom had called the police on me because Kai was storing his things at our home while he was away for the summer.

I can’t say for sure what it was that pushed Steve to go from church goer to Heroin user... but he