Until Then

Summer 2012

Does anyone really know their parents? They have lived entire lives before their children were even a twinkle in their eye. They have experienced sheer moments of joy and complete despair throughout their childhood and into young adulthood. They have had their hearts broken, dreams shattered, and realities settled in. Until one day, well into their already existing livelihood, a doctor’s visit reveals the next chapter, and the energetic young people they once were dissolve into real, mature parents. And somewhere, deep in the past, those memories still live, smoothed over with concern and compassion for their children’s lives. Small glimpses slip through, stories told with a passing laugh, but does anyone really know their hidden story?

* * * *

With a sense of debilitating earnestness, Ruby found herself preoccupied with this thought as she lifted the stiff hospital sheet up under her father’s chin. She smoothed the unkempt strand of silver hair from his soft forehead and kissed it gently. She freshened her glass of ice water from the thick, plastic pitcher on the nightstand and settled into the window seat with her laptop, the battery just barely hanging on now. She had been at the hospital for over three days, only leaving to shower or grab a quick bite to eat at the neighborhood deli. Pastrami on rye, just a dab of hot mustard had been the only thing to calm her rapidly unsettling nerves. It had always been her dad’s favorite sandwich.

Why wasn’t he waking up? Her mind raced, studying his ironically peaceful expression. Dr. Levin said that he would be in his listless coma, brushing the surface of consciousness, only a short while longer. Was this a false sense of hope to appease her or was it true? And how long was a short while? He wasn’t straightforward about the specific length of time and that frustrated her endlessly. She studied his withered figure, lying frail and lifeless under the stark, bleached sheets. She swiped one of what felt like millions of tears from her cheek and whispered aloud, Dear God, please, please, please bring my father back to me.

Mom?

Ruby blinked hard to clear her laden tears to see Anna’s smile poking from behind the wooden door.

Oh Anna, what a beautiful surprise! She rushed to her and flung her arms around her tightly, inhaling her floral shampoo. My beautiful, beautiful girl. She hugged her again.

Oh Mom, how long have you been here? You look just miserable.

Ruby fumbled with her thick plastic frames and smoothed her salt and peppered hair. Thanks, I try. She smiled, exhausted.

I didn’t mean that, just, gosh, you know. Are you even sleeping?

Here and there.

Anna’s eyes turned toward her grandfather and her expression melted. Oh Grandpa Eli… She knelt down over him and kissed his hand, prodded with IVs. Anna squeezed his fingers and Ruby watched on, experiencing a brand new level of pain at the sight.

What are they saying? The doctors? Anna wiped her nose with her sleeve and sniffed loudly.

Not much, honey. They’re hesitant to assume either way. At least that’s all that I deciphered from their medical jargon. His heart rate is steady and his breathing is stable, but considering it’s nearing three weeks, they’re worried about permanent brain damage, not to mention what was a result of the stroke.

Anna sighed and laid her head back on his shoulder. Do you think he can hear us? What we’re saying?

I like to think so. I talk to him all of the time. Ruby patted her daughter on the shoulder.

Anna adjusted the tape holding his IV to his hand and pushed his long sleeve up his arm an inch.

They sat for a long while, hardly speaking, watching him breathe, his chest rising up and down to the solitary beep of the heart monitor hovering above. The heat of the sun pressed through the window pane and made them ache for fresh air. What they would give to take Eli for a stroll around his favorite path in Mackinac State Park. How he loved to gaze out among the marina, spotting sailboats that speckled the skyline.

Over there! He would point, each time with new enthusiasm. That one has a crescent moon on the sail. Sophia would have loved it.

He still used her name in every story he told, every memory. She had been gone for over three years now, but she was just as ever present. Ruby found herself smiling at how much he had always loved their mother. She could almost hear him say, Aww, we weren’t anything special…just lucky, that’s all.

Lucky indeed, she thought.

She would give anything to feel the spark her parents felt. She found them dancing on the porch one evening without any music, three weeks before Sophia passed away. There they were, swaying to the sound of crickets, what was left of her mother’s hair wistful in the wind. Their eyes were closed and he held her tightly against his chest, whispering something in what almost sounded like another language. Ruby watched them for several minutes, absently wiping at tears before exiting the car and making her way up to join them.

They had always been like that. They were that of a fairytale. Their hands were always held across the dinner table, eyes always sparkling with laughter at the stories heard hundreds of times. They went for a walk every evening together, and when she could no longer make her way around the neighborhood because the cancer was defeating her, he would push her wheelchair with all of his might up and down the deep rolling hills. His arms would shake and sweat would roll in heavy beads down his temple, but he pressed on, while she rode peacefully, hands folded, eyes closed.

Growing up, Ruby never remembered either of her parents raising their voice at one another or her and Grant. They believed in talking through things and listening, with guarded tongues. Even when all-star Grant entered into his rebellious teen years, often screaming at the top of his lungs at them, with hair wild and brushing his shoulders, they calmly told him his behavior was unexpected and disappointing. Later, Ruby had inquired as to their level of maturity in parenting while battling Anna’s own urges to stay out late on school nights. They smiled at her and after exchanging a whimsical glance, replied, Nothing is ever so horrible that we should let our negativity define our character.

They were right, she mused, but it was almost impossible to remain calm when you found an empty liquor bottle stashed in your daughter’s purse. She excused her own vices, as times had changed. Children were different now, more willing and capable than ever to push their boundaries. Relationships were different now too, never quite as romantic as her parent’s era.

Anna settled into the woman she is now around nineteen, or rather her freshman year of college when she met Ryan. Ryan changed Anna dramatically. He was so sensible, smart and polished. He always looked so put together and charmed just about anyone he met. Her carefree daughter went from a dream of Hollywood to a pearl-wearing, kindergarten teacher.

Ruby patted her daughter’s knee, feeling extra emotional these days.

What are you thinking about? Anna tilted her head to lean against the large window looking down over the outdoor garden, donated piece by piece to the hospital. Thick, lush trees swayed gently in the breeze below and a long line of roses outlined the edge of the garden.

It is amazing how life’s darkest moments make you reflect over the past.

Hmm… Anna adjusted her ponytail absently. Like what?

I guess just thinking about how much Mom and Daddy loved each other, how close they were. They were such a strong influence on how I raised you.

Anna grinned, revealing her straight white teeth. You did a great job; don’t you think? She poked Ruby in the side.

Flawless. She smiled and pulled her daughter into another hug. Thank God for Anna or she would be losing her mind. Her presence, this visit, it was a renewed strength she very much needed.

* * * *

At midnight, when Ruby had finally dozed off into a faint sleep, her phone rang. She shot straight out of bed, fumbled for her glasses and answered the phone frantically.

Hello? Is it Daddy? she said in a harsh whisper.

Robert groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes. The hospital had a habit of calling in the wee hours if his vital signs changed even slightly. They never meant to alarm, they promised, but with a comatose patient, the family should be on high alert.

Yes this is Ruby. Uh huh. Long pause. I understand. She hung up the phone and held her phone against her chest. Ragged breaths shuttered from her body. Robert reached for her in the darkness.

Well, what did they say? Is he okay?

He’s gone, she whispered into the darkness. Daddy’s gone.

* * * *

Ruby moved with mindless effort. She felt as if she was in slow motion and the world was rushing past her. She made her way to change, sliding one leg and then the other into her jeans before stepping into her loafers. Heavy tears dripped onto her t-shirt, while she fumbled to pull her short hair in a ponytail. Robert drew her into a hug and kissed her forehead, but she felt numb. Sitting in the hospital today, watching him breathe, she had found new hope. He was still breathing and in a matter of days he would be back with her. She had read to him from his favorite books, told him stories of Anna’s recent wedding plans and even sang to him at one point. She refused to leave his side, even though Grant said it was unhealthy and that she had grown way too thin. It didn’t matter—nothing mattered, other than Daddy. With Robert’s encouragement, she regretfully agreed to sleep at home for the first night in weeks, as Eli’s vitals were stronger than normal.

And now, he was gone. She wasn’t there for him when he needed her most. What if he’d woken up before he passed way? She had so many questions and so much immediate regret that she feared she might throw up.

Making her way down the stairs to the main level, she collapsed against the railing and heavy sobs erupted. Try as she might to compose herself, it just wasn’t happening. Robert found her curled against the bottom step and pulled her to her feet. She leaned into him and cried and cried. She cried because she never got to tell him goodbye. She cried because never again would she hear his laughter. She cried because she had never felt more alone, even in her husband’s arms. She cried because she didn’t know how to live without her daddy.

How could it be? Dead. Dead. Dead. She kept repeating the word in her mind.

Robert shuffled her to the car and made the necessary calls while backing out of the drive. He was a quiet, solitary man of few words. Each phone call was a simple, You need to come to the hospital immediately. He used his blinker, stopped preciously at each stop sign and yielded to yellow lights. He was calm in the gravest of moments, holding Ruby’s hand steadfast as he drove. She stared into the night at the blur of passing cars, never for one moment able to breathe.

When they arrived at the hospital, they were asked to come in and say their last goodbyes before they took him away. This thought had never even crossed Ruby’s mind the entire time he had been in a coma. Never once had she dreamt of him not waking up and the thought of seeing him now made her feel physically ill. She took a ragged breath and collapsed into a waiting room chair. Robert nodded at the nurse and agreed to go in on her behalf. Watching him walk away, knowing where he was going, a fresh well of tears rose up and toppled onto her cheeks. A nurse passing by, bent down to gently stroke her arm and offer a tissue.

Here you go, sweetheart. There, there.

Ruby sniffed loudly and looked up into her deep brown eyes. Thank you, she managed and dabbed at her already swollen face.

A few moments later, Robert emerged from her father’s room with the hardest expression she had ever seen. His eyes, deeply rimmed with red and tears, were seemingly translucent, like he had just seen a ghost. His posture firmly upright and mouth hanging slightly open, he walked toward her.

Robert? She reached for his hand. Oh Robert.

He blinked hard and refocused his gaze to meet hers. You need to come in there. There is something you have to see.

What is it? She spoke out a little stronger now. He was scaring her.

I can’t tell you. You’ll have to see it for yourself.

Robert, she lowered her head. I don’t think I can. I don’t want to remember him that way.

Believe me, you need to come in there. He extended his hand and pulled her to her feet. One shaky step in front of the next, they made their way to Eli’s room. The scent of sterile was worse than before, perhaps to cover any new smells. Robert creaked open the door and squeezed her hand tight. He nodded at her before entering.

Her sweet father was tucked under the blanket, just as she had left him. He lay there still and peaceful as before. It was almost as if he was sleeping, eyelashes a soft lining to his closed lids. Her sob caught in her throat and tears poured down her cheeks.

Oh Daddy, she croaked, before stepping forward and gently smoothing his hair, like she had done earlier that afternoon. She couldn’t bring herself to touch him any further, fearful of the sensation of anything other than her father’s warmth.

I brought you in here, Ruby…well, come around on this side of the bed.

Ruby shifted her gaze to Robert and did as she was told, making her way carefully around the room, ever aware of her father lying there.

Look. Robert gently reached down to touch her father’s chest.

Ruby gasped. What…what is this?" Ruby asked, eyes wide with fear.

I do believe that is a Holocaust marking. Robert’s voice was on the verge of shaking.

Oh…my…it isn’t possible… she whispered.

Carefully, she crouched down beside the bed and ran her finger tentatively along her father’s exposed chest. In shaky, faded blue ink the numbers 132490 were branded.

But, I don’t understand, Ruby spoke out. Daddy isn’t Jewish and he was born in New York. How could this be?

It makes sense why he never went without a shirt, you know? Maybe he was trying to hide it from you kids? Robert bent down beside Ruby and studied the numbers closer. But that is definitely what that is.

Ruby rose to her feet hurriedly and headed for the door. I have to talk to Grant.

* * * *

After finding Grant pacing in the waiting area, she pulled him into the room. A brief moment of shock at the sight of him, before he too, gasped in horror at the Nazi markings on their father’s chest.

It doesn’t make sense. Not in the least. He and Mom would have told us if they lived in Europe or went through anything like this. Is it some kind of marking from the hospital? Like they numbered him when he passed away? Grant looked faint, his face growing paler by the minute.

I already asked the nurse. They said he’s always had this, ever since he got here, Robert replied. Sense or not, it’s what it is.

What are you saying? Our father was captured in a Holocaust camp? That our whole life was a lie? You’re out of your mind, man. Grant took a step backward toward the door.

Grant please, calm down. We don’t have to figure all of this out right now. I know you’re overwhelmed and believe me, I am too. I have a lot of questions, but I just wanted you to see this. You never would have believed me otherwise. Ruby surprised herself at how suddenly calm she sounded.

And I don’t believe you now. Sorry, Ruby. Grant turned on his heels mumbling something about fresh air.

Ruby wrapped her arms tightly around her waist and leaned against the wall, her gaze never leaving her father.

He’s right, Robert. It doesn’t make a bit of sense.

There has to be an explanation of some kind. Someone in your family must know something, said Robert.

Surely there’s an explanation. Daddy and I were so close. There’s no way he could have hid this from me. She walked back toward the bed and looked once more at the numbers, her eyes squinted in confusion.

* * * *

The next twenty-four hours left little time for contemplating such issues. The number 132490 was scribbled on a piece of paper in Ruby’s pocket, but it was already inscribed on her heart. When things settled down for a moment, she would get to the bottom of this, but for now, there was entirely too much to take care of.

With Anna’s help, she met with the funeral director, the burial grounds supervisor, and Eli’s lawyer. He had everything carefully crafted, always one step ahead. His casket was a beautiful sky blue with white silk lining. It matched her mother’s perfectly and would be placed in the ground side by side with hers. Ruby booked the caterer to avoid having the hassle of food and refreshments at their home and made sure to include several bottles of wine to help ease her through the