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The Bible: The Unofficial, Official Alternative Account That’s Not Entirely True...
The Bible: The Unofficial, Official Alternative Account That’s Not Entirely True...
The Bible: The Unofficial, Official Alternative Account That’s Not Entirely True...
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The Bible: The Unofficial, Official Alternative Account That’s Not Entirely True...

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The Bible - The unofficial, official alternative account that's not entirely true...is a faithful, yet humorous re-telling of the scriptures in what is considered one of the bestselling books of all time.

This book is many things: Likely offensive, overly ridiculous, grossly inappropriate and controversial on so many levels but it is meant to be funny, just like bipolar. Plus, the real Bible is not without controversy itself and is wonderfully injected with copious amounts of bearded man-love, foot-fetishes and a worrying fixation on circumcision.

The author of this book fully acknowledges he is going to hell.

LanguageEnglish
Release dateOct 8, 2016
ISBN9781370199389
The Bible: The Unofficial, Official Alternative Account That’s Not Entirely True...
Author

Sebastian H. Alive

Sebastian H. Alive is a Purchasing Manager by day, controlling and manipulating the world’s economy while brainwashing the gullible masses. By evening he is father to two demonic minions that the devil is too embarrassed to be associated with and by night he writes stories.

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    The Bible - Sebastian H. Alive

    The Bible - The Unofficial, Official Alternative Account That’s Not Entirely True…

    By Sebastian H. Alive

    Published by Sebastian H. Alive

    License Notes

    This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are fictitious. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

    This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

    Copyright 2015 Sebastian H. Alive

    The story of creation

    In the beginning God was bored shitless. The earth was dark, barren and without shape or form and the waters deep and annoyingly salty.

    God knew that high levels of boredom could lead to a lot of bad things; emotional binge eating, online shopping and recreational drug use, but he also knew that boredom led to creativity. So he decided to brighten things up just a little.

    I command light to shine! God instructed in a booming, authoritative voice.

    And light started shining.

    God looked at the light and saw that it was good.

    'I am rather powerful.' thought God in appreciation of his sheer powerfulness.

    Then God separated the light from the darkness and named the light 'Day' and the darkness 'Night'.

    This was the first day. On the second day God stared in exasperation at the annoyingly salty wet unnamed thing and decided he needed to separate it, so he did.

    I command a dome thing to be separate from the salty wet thing! ordered God.

    And that's what happened.

    God looked at the dome thing and saw that it was good and named it 'Sky'.

    'I am a sheer genius.' thought God bursting with creative energy and very proud of himself.

    On the third day God wanted something a little less wet. Something that didn’t make his ankle-length tunic cling to his body and almost see-through.

    Let dry land appear! God said.

    And that's exactly what happened.

    Abuzz with excitement God named the dry land 'Earth' and the wet salty thing 'Seas' and saw that is was good, but not quite the finished article.

    I need more. muttered God tapping his chin thoughtfully.

    He stared at his achievement and noted that the dry land Earth was a little sparse and in need a touch of color and a smidgen of vibrancy.

    I want things to pop out of the soil and bear fruits and seeds and maybe a touch of scrub vegetation.

    And with that command that's exactly what happened and God saw that it was indeed good.

    Awestruck by his awesomeness God decided to call it a day and turn in for the night.

    On the fourth day after a bowl of nourishing muesli made up of grains, nuts, seeds and dried fruits from the earth, God looked across at the land awash with color and then at the sky which was rather plain and dreary in comparison.

    I command there to be bright twinkly things in the sky to separate the day from the night and I will call them 'stars'. Also, if it's not too much trouble can I have a big orange light that will rule over the day and a smaller white light to rule over the night? I will call them the 'Sun' and the 'Moon'.

    In an instant his will was obeyed and God saw that it was good, supremely good.

    A little overly excited God clapped his hands in delight. He was pretty damn happy with things.

    On the fifth day, and nursing a slight hangover from a concoction God had created from water, barley malt and hops, God decided he wanted to bring living animals to the world, because what better way to lose a headache than cook up a surf 'n' turf with grilled lobsters, shrimp and a slab of succulent steak topped with a flat mushroom.

    I command the seas to be full of living creatures that multiply and fill the waters with a promise that one day they will be battered, drenched in condiments and placed next to the classic accompaniment of mushy peas.

    God stared at the seas and saw that it was good and also noticed that whales deposited a colossal load of shit in the ocean.

    I also command that there be winged creatures that populate the sky and fly in the dome above the dry land.

    And so it was as he ordered and God saw that it was good, except for the pigeons, which he realized were the most confused and useless bird in the bird kingdom.

    On the sixth day God woke to find his bed sheets covered with pigeon shit as a flock of them had taken up residence on top his four poster bed. But God loved all animals and blessed the pigeons for their accuracy and coordination, then made a mental note to make the hawks a little more aggressive.

    Then God commanded the earth to give life to wild animals and reptiles and that's exactly what happened, and God saw that it was good.

    Now I will make humanity in my image so that they may take charge and rule over the land and all other living creatures. cried God triumphantly.

    What could possibly go wrong?

    So God created humanity and saw that it was good, and that man in particular was terribly good-looking in a way no man has a right to be.

    You will go forth you incestuous animal and fill the land with your people. Reproduce so I may spy on you engaged in intimate behaviors.

    God saw everything he had made and was well and truly knackered.

    On the seventh day God flatly refused to get out of bed.

    I bless this day and make it holy. commanded God grumpily as he pulled the bed sheets over him and turned back into the toasty warmth of his original position.

    This is the true account of how the earth was created.

    The Garden of Eden

    God saw gardening as a meaningful way to cultivate self-love and feel the oneness of nature, and liked to think of himself as a keen horticulturist.

    At least that's what he thought at the beginning.

    Brimming with green-fingered inspiration the Lord planted a fertile garden in the East and named it Eden. He grew every tree and plant imaginable, bursting with edible fruits and colorful flowers in terracotta pots.

    With loving care God cultivated fruits, vegetables and tended to his flower beds and in the middle of the garden he planted the tree of life and the tree of knowledge of good and evil

    Every day he rototilled, planted bulbs, dug and weeded and no sooner had the Lord cut the weeds down then they were back up again.

    It was one sunny day, with lower back pain and leg cramps, and with challenge turning to chore and mild irritation turning to loathing, that God stood back from his work and realized something.

    I am far too important to garden. the Lord boomed, casting his seed packets to the floor.

    And he knew the words to be true because he was the all powerful Lord and he had decided it.

    'Gardening is a pointless way to pass time before you die and something only pensioners over 65 should do.' thought God. 'I would rather scrub pigeon shit from my bedposts than plant another seed.'

    God knew two things. He needed a gardening plan that required the least amount of maintenance and he needed to book an appointment with his osteopath.

    So God took a handful of topsoil and breathed life into it and made a man he called Adam, and put him in the Garden of Eden.

    Tend to my garden and thou may freely eat your fill from all of the garden's trees but not from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. If you eat from this tree you will die!

    The man turned to look at the fresh fruits hanging from the trees and then at the unattended garden overrun by weeds.

    You expect me to eat this shit? asked Adam pointing towards the trees. And do I look like a gardener to you?

    You will do as I say for I am the Lord your God but remember do not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Eat from it and you will die!

    Adam stared at the tree of knowledge of good and evil and at its succulent fruits which were pleasing to the eye.

    Is that an exaggeration? asked Adam coyly. Will I actually die?

    Yes, answered God with a hint of annoyance. You will feel the full wrath and judgement of your Lord.

    Well glory, glory Hallelujah! spat Adam sarcastically planting his hands on his hips. Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?

    I am the Lord your God and I work in mysterious ways.

    What if I just lick it? You know, just the once?

    Then you will die also.

    What's so special about this tree of knowledge of good and evil anyway?

    This tree gives you knowledge of good and evil. answered God. But heed my warning; you must not eat from this tree.

    Yeah, yeah whatever, muttered Adam flapping his hands. And another thing, when you breathed life into me, I just want to say that you have a really bad case of halitosis.

    With those final words Adam turned and walked away to tend to his garden.

    It was days later while sipping lemonade and eating his pigeon pie that God noticed how lonely Adam was.

    It is not good for man to live alone. said God to himself.

    So he took some more soil and breathed life into it making animals, which he brought to Adam so that he could name them. That's how they got their names.

    I want to call that one hairless-red-arse.

    You're being silly again, Adam.

    Okay, okay let's go with Baboon then.

    But none of these animals were a suitable partner for Adam so the Lord made man fall into a deep sleep and removed one of his ribs without local anesthetic and made woman.

    Then the Lord woke Adam and presented the woman to him.

    She is someone like me! gasped Adam in amazement. She is part of my body and my own flesh and bones. I will name her Eve.

    She is woman and you both will become as one. said God proudly.

    Wait! You de-ribbed me you piece of shit! cried Adam.

    Fear not Adam for the power of your Lord has healed you.

    Although both man and woman were naked, they were not ashamed.

    Stop staring at Eve's breasts, Adam! snapped God.

    Can I pick them apples? asked Adam licking his lips.

    The First Sin

    Of all the wild animals that the Lord God had created, the snake was the most intelligent and craftiest of them all. One day it came across the woman sat below the tree of knowledge of good and evil and spoke to her.

    Did God really tell you not to eat from the tree you are sat beneath? hissed the snake.

    The woman looked at the snake without a hint of fear.

    God said we could eat the fruit from any tree except the tree of knowledge of good and evil. If we eat from this tree then we will die.

    You will not die! the snake replied. You will just know the difference between right and wrong, just like God.

    Eve looked up at the fruit in the tree and it did indeed look tasty and desired the wisdom it would give her. So she plucked a fruit from the branches of the tree and ate some of it before passing it to Adam who held it for a moment, staring at Eve closely.

    What are you waiting for, husband?

    I am waiting to see if you die just like the Lord promised.

    Suddenly Eve became silent, blanched and turned red in the face and began choking.

    Shouldn’t you do something? asked the snake with a hint of concern in its voice.

    I'm just assessing the situation. replied Adam with curiosity.

    I think she's choking. It must have gone down the wrong hole.

    Eve held her throat and her eyes crossed over.

    Do you know choking first aid? asked Adam hopefully. It sounds like it's lodged pretty deep.

    Can't say that I do, answered the snake. You know, her brain may be deprived of oxygen right about now.

    With an almighty big splutter Eve spat out the piece of fruit and sucked in a lungful of air.

    Not dead though, is she? remarked Adam.

    It is very tasty and succulent, husband. Eat some! ordered Eve staring hard at him through watery eyes.

    You know what, I'm good. said Adam offering the fruit back.

    Eat the damn fruit, husband. she spat through clenched teeth.

    Seeing the look in his wife's eyes Adam too ate some of the fruit. Right away they knew what they had done and realized they were both naked and felt ashamed. So they both gathered some fig leaves and sewed them together to cover themselves.

    Don’t flatter yourself. snorted Eve staring at the leaf Adam had chosen to cover his modesty.

    Can I just say something, Eve? In light of our newfound wisdom and nakedness, and I know you're the first woman, but I do hope the next woman is a little perkier and a little less asymmetrical. commented Adam. I'm just saying.

    Late that afternoon Adam and Eve heard God walking through the garden and hid behind some trees frightened of what he would say.

    Where are you? God called out.

    We're hiding from you, shouted Adam. We're naked and scared of what you might say.

    But how do you know you are naked? asked the Lord. Did you eat from the forbidden tree like I asked you not to?

    The woman did it, she gave me some of the fruit and I ate it.

    The Lord turned to the naked woman and stared at her.

    He stared at her for a very, very, very long time.

    It's getting kind of awkward now, my Lord. said Eve.

    What have you done?

    It was the snake, it tricked me and I ate the fruit.

    Blame it on the snake why don’t you. muttered Adam.

    The Lord God, full of anger, turned on the snake.

    Because of this you will be cursed to crawl on your stomach and eat dirt.

    Not so bad, is it really? snorted the snake.

    You and the woman will hate each other for eternity and her descendants will hate you equally as much.

    Then the Lord God turned to the woman and stared at her for a very, very, very long time.

    You will suffer terribly during child birth but you will still desire your husband who will rule over you.

    Did you hear that? yelled Adam. I rule you.

    Then the Lord God turned to the man.

    You listened to your wife and you should never listen to a woman. The ground beneath you will be cursed and you will struggle to grow food and will know hunger. You came from soil and once again will return to soil.

    What about takeaway nights? Do we still get them? asked Adam.

    After that God banished Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden where they would have to learn to work the ground to survive.

    He never did allow takeaway nights again.

    Cain murders Abel

    Why do I get the feeling someone is watching us having sex again? asked Adam, pausing as he looked down into the face of Eve.

    Narrowing his eyes suspiciously he looked over his shoulder.

    Are you watching us again, my Lord?

    The Lord your God is watching everywhere. replied God sounding slightly caught out and embarrassed. I am present in the fullness of every place.

    The Lord my God sounds like he's just over my shoulder again! moaned Adam. It makes me feel like a porn star. Can we have total privacy? Don’t even look in our direction.

    So it came to be that they conceived a child and gave birth to Cain.

    I have given life to a man with the Lords help. said Eve in delight.

    How exactly did the Lord help you? asked Adam with even more suspicion.

    Not long after Eve gave birth a second time to Cain's brother, Abel.

    Abel took care of the flocks showing special care for the sheep, while Cain became a farmer and worked hard tilling the soil.

    One day Cain presented an offering to the Lord from the land's crops while Abel presented the firstborn lambs from his flock and their fat portions. The Lord looked favorably on Abel's gift but not on Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry and resentful so the Lord took him to one side to speak to him.

    Why are you so angry, Cain? he asked.

    Why do you prefer my brother's offering to that of mine, my Lord?

    Well, both were excellent gifts Cain. Your brother gave me the sacrifice to make the juiciest, meaty lamb cutlets I have ever tasted. I put them in a shallow roasting tray with Rosemary and Thyme and made myself some onion gravy and a batch of Black pudding from the lamb's blood.

    And what of my gift, my Lord? asked Cain

    You mean those misshapen orangey things?

    Carrots, my Lord.

    They were…uhm…lovely too, Cain.

    Later Cain said to his brother Abel.

    Let's go out to the field.

    Why, brother? asked Abel looking puzzled.

    I would like to go for a long peaceful walk with you, brother.

    Do you need to carry a club with you, brother?

    Merely a short staff as a walking aid, Abel.

    Looks almost like a mace one would use to bludgeon someone to death with.

    Cain laughed nervously and Abel joined in as they stared down at the weapon.

    Is the balaclava necessary, brother?

    It's to protect my skin from the fierce winds, brother.

    So Cain led Abel out into the field and attacked him and killed him.

    Later the Lord sought Cain out and spoke to him.

    Where is your brother Abel?

    I don’t know. Am I my brother's guardian?

    Your brother's blood is crying to me from the ground from where you have slain him.

    How do you know? gasped Cain.

    You have your brother's brain matter on your balaclava. answered the Lord. The land is now cursed to you and nothing will grow for you. You will become a roving nomad on this earth.

    But he tripped and fell on my walking stick many, many times. argued Cain in desperation.

    But God did not believe Cain and put a sign on him so that no-one who found him would assault him. Cain fled the Lord's presence and settled down in the land of Nod which was in the East of Eden.

    Descendants of Adam

    It was abundantly clear that Adam and Eve loved each other deeply and they lived a full, flourishing and fruitful life.

    Adam worked the land and had dominion over the beasts of the field, working long, hard hours to get food from the earth. Eve cooked for her family, making clothes and was often seen amongst the animals. Adam loved his wife's sense of humor and Eve adored the fact he worked long hours and was rarely about the home. Even her frequent sexual put-downs were a great sense of merriment which Adam knew she didn’t mean deep down.

    'My wife is so funny and quick-witted.' thought Adam as he watched Eve wander over the hill and out of sight with a large goat.

    Just this morning she had said that she would rather masturbate with a long horned mountain goat than have tiny willy sex with him.

    Adam chuckled at the thought.

    When Adam was one hundred and thirty Eve bore him another child whom they named Seth. He grew up to have the fairest, blondest hair and the most piercing blue eyes and was tall and athletic.

    He looks just like you. said Eve staring at Adam's short, stumpy hunched stature and his thick, brown hair and brown eyes.

    Adam requested a DNA home testing kit but died at the age of nine hundred and thirty before it could be returned to the laboratory for analysis.

    When Seth was one hundred and five, he had a son named Enosh who was a strange boy and had a head-banging habit, so Seth made him a temporary helmet of sheep fleece to correct the shape of his head.

    Seth had more children and died at the age of nine hundred and twelve. When Enosh was ninety he had a son that he named Kenan and then he died at the age of nine hundred and five.

    Kenan was an angry boy with attention deficit disorder and a urinary incontinence problem, but his kindly father knew of the advantages of sheep fleece and made his son absorbent pads to wear. Kenan had a son at seventy that he named Mahalalel, before dying at the age of nine hundred and ten.

    Mahalalel had a torture problem and liked to hurt animals and was a budding animal serial killer. At sixty-five Mahalalel had a son named Jared before dying at the age of eight hundred and ninety-five.

    Jared carried a

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