Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Van Allen

Copyright 2016 Van Allen

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

Van Allen

Screaming Weasel Productions

Distributed by Smashwords.com

Copyright 2016 Van Allen

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test

www.VanAllenFiction.com

VanAllenFiction@aol.com

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Smashwords License Notes

This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite book retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without prior written permission of the author/publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.

All characters in this book have no existence outside the imagination of the author and have no relation to anyone bearing the same name or names. Any resemblance to individuals known or unknown to the author are purely coincidental. This is entirely a work of fiction.

Cataloguing Information:

Allen, Van

Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test/Van Allen

FIC028070 FICTION / Science Fiction / Apocalyptic & Post-Apocalyptic

Table of Contents

Title Page

Licensing Information

Introduction

Pre-Test Tutorial with FAQs

Zombie Hive FAQs

The Definitive Test

The Answers

Final Word (with References)

About the Author

Introduction

Hopefully, you are reading this because you feel you are ready to take my definitive zombie outbreak survival test. The truth is you’re not ready. You’re almost ready.

However, if you feel you don’t need all this intro stuff, set-up, and pre-test crap, if you just want skip right to the test questions, click here:

Take me to The Definitive Test dammit! I am absolutely Badass!

For the rest of you, surviving a zombie apocalypse will test everything you’ve got. Passing my test is just a start, a pretty good start, but just a start. Most of you won’t pass, so it’s just the start of seeing how unprepared you are.

My test is designed to check if you are ready to survive a zombie apocalypse, mentally. Physically and psychologically you’re not ready, but survival is 90% mental and 10% everything else. So let’s get started.

This test is a written multiple-choice test because, well quite frankly, none of you would pass the full 45-day test we make US Marine zombie outbreak responders pass. That test is called the ZORT Meat Grinder (Zombie Outbreak Response Team). It consists of weeks of physical survival tests such as weaponology, what to eat and what not to eat, how to treat injuries, how to make and how to avoid booby-traps, how to escape and evade assholes, how to MacGyver or jerry-rig random everyday shit into useful tools and contraptions that ensure your survival, and ultimately how to do all the things you need to do to defend humanity when you are hungry, dehydrated, injured, and getting less than two hours of sleep in three days.

That’s what you want your Marine Corps zombie fighting teams to do with great superiority. When the shit hits the fan or when the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator, you’ll be glad these military badasses were tested to their fullest capacity. In my training, I am the single holder of the USMC record score, a perfect score, on the React Course section of the ZORT training. The React Course is a very secretive combat course that tests a Marine’s leadership abilities and the ability to think and solve problems under the pressure of a ticking clock and while simultaneously dealing with fatigue, stress, and creatively bad situations. In some ways, ZORT training shows us things that are worse than should be expected during a zombie apocalypse.

The ultimate goal of our training was to show ZORT Marines what they did well and what they didn’t do well. I graduated #7 in a class of 100. So, if I had one weakness to disclose, I guess I would say it’s my willingness to violate human decency rules just to survive. I’ll give you some examples: 1) I would never eat another person. No matter how close to starvation I am, I would never do that. 2) I would never hurt children or other defenseless people or put them in danger. So, no sacrificing less fortunate people just so I can survive. 3) I would never in a million years eat a spider. I don’t know what in Heaven or Hell ever possessed God to make spiders. I’ll starve before I eat a spider. ZORT training showed me this. Dogs, cats, lizards, grubs, beetles, snails, squids, fish guts, worms, frogs, even maggots and other larvae, I will eat the shit out them in a New York minute. Spiders is where I draw the line, and people. I also don’t do very well in cold weather.

I’m considered a zombie apocalypse survival expert, tested in the halls of Montezuma and the shores of Tripoli. I have committed myself to writing zombie outbreak preparedness public service announcements (PSAs) for as long as it takes. When I retired from the Marines in 2005, I consulted for several municipal and local ZORTs. In 2009, when the top-secret classification on my case files expired (thank you Congress), I started writing zombie survival PSAs for free. YES! Before The Walking Dead, I started helping the Center for Disease Control (the CDC) get the word out about the deadly potential of pandemic outbreaks and zombie apocalypses. I just dropped my PSAs on the internet and made myself available to answer questions whenever people wanted to know more about viral outbreak response protocols, zombie outbreak response tactics, and zombie apocalypse survival preparation and strategies.

My PSAs have been downloaded 1000s of times. I spoke on a few late night radio shows, a couple of podcasts, offered some advice to a couple of TV shows and movies, which I won’t name, because I thought they should have credited me and they didn’t, and I even helped write training manuals for a handful of military outfits here in the US and abroad. Okay I will name-drop one movie, World War Z. In this movie, a central theme is zombies can sense sick, injured, dying, and dead people and tend to not attack them. Stay tuned here and you’ll see how that specific fact about zombie psychology was first published by me.

You’ll also get a sense of what the hell is wrong with the TV show, The Walking Dead. These CDC, US Government, and WHO sponsored projects are offered to make people more aware. These and other zombie entertainment can be sophisticated and allow us to grasp traditional conceptual reasoning through the observed actions of others. When you read about zombies or battle zombies in a video game, you are a) doing exactly what the CDC hopes we will all do, and b) you are training your brain to be ready, more ready. By vicariously experiencing the zombie apocalypse in a book, movie, TV show, or video game, you can become more prepared and hopefully you will know what to do when the shit hits the fan. Well, some of you will know what to do.

Hopefully, you have read my many previously published zombie outbreak survival PSAs or guides to help you get ready for this test. If you have read my previous works, then you know what I have to say about zombies is real. Hopefully, you are reading this because you know a zombie outbreak can and will happen. You know several zombie outbreaks already happened and are on record historically. Hopefully, you are reading this because you want to be one of the survivors when the shit hits the fan. You know luck and history favor the prepared. Hopefully you are reading my PSAs because you can see in the news a global pandemic outbreak is inevitable. You know a full-blown global pandemic zombie outbreak is long overdue.

I’ve said it before, I’m not writing this to win a Pulitzer or to win over publishers and fans. I’m writing this so YOU can get a taste of the apocalypse now before it’s too late. So please tolerate my use of profanity and certain vulgarities, and a few grammar, elements of style, and syntax problems as you read this. If you see any military terms or acronyms you are not familiar with, just do your own homework and Google them later or DM me on Twitter or email me and I will carefully explain in more detail.

When the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator (when the shits hits the fan) and you find yourself up to your armpits in zombies, crazed, panicked survivors, and ill-mannered hooligans (survival assholes), you need to know what to do. You need to know what it takes to be a badass and survive.

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Quotes by Captain Van Allen, USMC:

"If you can’t be a badass, then get you some badass friends or be prepared to give up your shit: food, supplies, women, children, your life, your soul, your dignity, anything you care to protect—your shit, to other badasses."

"Surviving a zombie apocalypse if tougher, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid."

"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless it’s viral."

"Don’t play with your zombie; it will make you go blind."

"In a zombie outbreak, treat stupid people like you would treat zombies. Avoid them or kill them if they get in your way."

"Zombies don’t kill people and take their shit; people kill people and take their shit."

"In a zombie apocalypse, you need to be prepared to fight the living and the dead, but especially the living."

"In poker, a 9mm beats four aces. Similar gun commandments apply in a zombie apocalypse."

"In a zombie apocalypse, be prepared for assholes. God made a whole lot of them and they always seem to have the most phenomenal immunities to the shittiest situations."

{Return to Table of Contents}

Pre-Test Tutorial with FAQs

I began writing these short zombie outbreak survival guides aiming to increase public preparedness for an eventual zombie outbreak and the ensuing pandemonium that will follow. Let me share a little more information about me before I begin listing some FAQs about Z-virus outbreak survival. Some of these FAQs will relate very closely to other information I shared so far in previous PSAs such as my super popular book, Zombie Outbreak Survival: Get It Right or Die. Get it Right or Die has been downloaded more than 5,000 times worldwide. It’s been the subject of a college course and it’s been used as a trainer by three US Federal Agencies. You need to read this one book first before you attempt to take my test. Zombie Outbreak Survival: Hive Incident #83-2005 is another prerequisite read before attempting this test.

If you have a hard time understanding these two zombie survival guides, then you’re going to have a very hard time passing this test. You may need to read my PSAs three or four times and then talk about them with a study group before you’re ready to take my test. Plus, these two books are free to download…for now. So download them now before I get greedy and start making people pay me for my zombie outbreak survival advice.

About Me: I retired from the US Marines after 21 years of active duty service. I served in several international actions and incidents involving peace-keeping and combat, including several special squads and details. I enlisted in 1984 as a private and I retired in 2005 as a Captain. I have three Masters Degrees; one in Psychology, one in Physics, and the other in Biology. I am certified to teach urban warfare tactics, desert and jungle survival, and counterterrorism and a few other things like Mathematics, Physics, Biology, combat swimming, and self-defense, to name a few. My dream job would be either head football coach or lead criminal investigator. I love football and I hate criminals.

I started writing my original series of zombie outbreak PSAs planning to only get a head start for the month of September hoping to educate the masses about the dangers of a real zombie outbreak mainly because September each year coincides with the start of the flu season in the northern hemisphere. September is also National Preparedness Month. Preparedness for what, you ask. Find the answer here (US Govt Outbreak Readiness Information).

As any well-prepared zombie outbreak responder knows, a pandemic zombie outbreak will most likely start during or just after a deadly pandemic flu outbreak. In North America, flu season starts in September and runs through the spring—deadly pandemic flu outbreaks are most likely to happen during the late fall and winter months.

A pandemic flu event similar in scale to the 1918 Spanish Flu outbreak can kill as many as 200-500 million people worldwide in as little time as three or four months. The biggest window of opportunity for a pandemic zombie outbreak is when a Z-virus outbreak piggybacks off an uncontained seasonal pandemic flu outbreak.

Just imagine 500 million dead worldwide and global social services collapsing daily. We had a hard time dealing with a few thousand Ebola deaths in 2013! We have a hard time containing malaria! When there are more dead bodies piled high, more dead than were killed in all the wars in the last two centuries combined, that’s when you will know the zombie apocalypse shit already hit the fan. Oh, but things can and will get worse fast—500 million dead can turn into two billion dead worldwide in a matter of weeks.

I realized after writing daily PSAs for just one full month in October 2009 I needed