The Supermarket Guy IV: Fury of the Climate Changer

Doucet

Prologue

Harold Wannapus ran down towards a stage, glittering with lights and showgirls. He waved to the crowds sitting to the left and right of him as he made his descent towards the stage, finally tripping and falling down near the edge of the small set of rising stairs heading upwards to where a television advertiser was giving him some basking glory, extending his hand outwards to help him up, meeting him halfway down the stairs Ladies and gentleman, give a warm welcome to our football hero, Harold Wannapus. Seven time Banana Bowl wide receiver football league champion, CEO of the Bargain Way, holder of numerous world records, and the only man to have tunneled his way through Mt. Everest! His wise words that resonated with our youth throughout America still affects them today ’Why is everybody climbing that mountain! Well, I decided to become the first to dig a walking tunnel through it with my super diamond carbide saw, the first to help senior citizens to get past that mountain! No more oxygen tanks, he said. No more blistered feet. Never fall off a thousand foot cliff again! Well, those were his wise words, and the world thanks you, Harold Wannapus. How, tell us about your new product, the whirlwind 5000

The hero dusted himself off, and took the microphone from the dazzling infomercial man. Ha ha, you got it wrong, squirrely! 5000 is too small of a number for my product line! The whirlwind 5 million, is the first fun and work accessory add on for your… you guessed it… washing machine he flung off a silver blanket, revealing a seat attached to a linkage that would raise a person a few feet above the washer’s top. It had an arm extending from the seat to a center agitator, where the linkage could be attached to the washer. He ran over to effortlessly adjust the seat on top of the washer’s center agitator.

I know what you are all thinking, people. Center agitators are now out of style. Well, not any more with the Wannapus Whirlwind 5 million. You just attach it to the center agitator of this washer, and let my handsome friend here, Pete, get on the seat. Might I add he has no life insurance of any kind? Is this true, Pete!

His friend, Pete, head of product procurement at his supermarket empire, got up on top of the seat Completely true, I let my life flow with the river of karma! Harold then latched his seatbelt and buckle together, as he put the machine on wash. His friend was gently being swung in a twirling motion, back and forth, back and forth, as he smiled all the way. Wow he said This is fun!

The infomercial man placed a hand on Harold’s shoulder Wow, that is some impressive. You might say you have created your very own ’Merry Go Round’ for kids Harold laughed, and nodded You can say that, and watch this when I put the apparatus on the spin cycle

Harold put the machine on spin, which caused the machine to turn violently. Centrifugal forces built up to an extremity with the high rotational speed of the agitator. Pete flung puke at the lower seats near the stage, and then flew off the machine and smashed his head through the roof. At least his legs were wiggling down through the ceiling. He was stuck up there, with his two arms crunched between some smashed drywall around the newly formed hole. The crowd hushed for an instant, but then applauded after once the inventor explained Oh drat! At least he is wiggling his feet, and with my CPR training, that tells me he is wonderfully fine! I knew I did not hear a click when I connected his belt buckle

The infomercial man smiled Yes, well this is live TV, after all. Now, you say you can do many other things with your Whirlwind 5000!

Harold clapped his hands together, with a clever smile now shown to the camera The Whirlwind 5 million, please. Yes, you can use it as a blender. Just use my other attachment with the machete connection on the spin cycle, and watch as it dices and slices like you never seen before

The infomercial man became almost intoxicated now with all of the marvelous innovation My gracious me! What else can it perform? Can it play my old vinyl wind chiming records? What are you going to throw in to make America really want this super product! I sure want a few, I’ll tell you that!

Mr. Infomercial man. I am going to include an attachment that overrides the door safety button on your dryer. I am going to have my extreme engineers install a center horizontal hub in your dryer… So you can bake bread, make muffins, and even bake chicken in your dryer! All for the low low cost, of 4999$. And yes, I will attach a diamond needle to play all your old scratched up vinyl records!

The infomercial man clapped Why I thought you were going to say ten thousand! Ladies and Gentlemen, you heard that here! A bargain for the man who runs Bargain Way Supermarkets! A machine with several attachments, the amazing Wannapus Whirlwind 5000. I mean 5 million. Go for a ride! Make bread! You may never need a slow cooker or oven ever again!

Then Pete fell from the ceiling into Harold’s arms Never again will you ever catapult me like a fool into the air! Ever again!

Harold nodded Yep. That is the last time you will ever fly a mile high up in the sky by my doings, my friend! I think the seat belt rotted out by your peeing in your pants, but I promise to never ever rocket propel you into the air again. That just will not happen! You have the Wannapus guarantee!

Chapter 1

Harold opened the glass doors wide open to the Bargain Way boardroom. Klide Samuels dropped his stylish over the top goose feathered pen on the boardroom table, as his eyes opened wide. Steve rubbed his two eyes, as he could not believe what he was seeing. Lucy shook her head in disapproval, to the left to right ever so slowly. Pete and Phil Bernstein began to giggle. Rudgekin the third, folded his arms as usual and his face turned red like a burning tomato. Harold entered the seemingly serious business like room as if everyone was eying him in slow motion, but he was only walking at his normal usual pace. So what if he had more swagger in his hips, or was using more extension at his heels. His arms moved from chest to ceiling in circular fashion. He was wearing lots of gold chains around his neck, wrists, and fingers. So what if he wanted to show off his bling? His pants were white leather, lowered just enough to expose the crack of his rear end by an inch. He liked it that way for the smokestack effect it had when he had to release some gas. His black belt, with a gold buckle and diamond studs, sent off sparkles on the walls. His silk blue shirt had a large font golden lettered ’Autoshoppo’ on the front , with matching ’Autoshoppo’ golden logo marked skip blue hat, placed sideways on his head, was a sight to see. He looked like a race car all marked up for race day, with the ’Autoshoppo’ logo marked all over his clothing, sleeves and all.

Your late again, Wannapus! Oh, but so it is with such a self-righteous power control freak! Always needing to make a show. In case you haven’t noticed, your tailor cut the top part of your pants exposing your crevice to us! Let’s see how many marbles you can hold between your crack, and lets all take bets on it! That is the only way you are going to make us any money in the foreseeable future in this brain drain boardroom of ours! Rudgekin was furious, hitting his fist hard on the armrest of his chair. Harold reached into his pocket, then flashed his ’Autoshoppo’ gold keychain at the head of the boardroom table, throwing it flagrantly down at the head of the boardroom desk where he sat. He pulled down his sleeve with his left hand and pulled down his wrist band to reveal another stunning gold ’Autoshoppo’ labelled wrist watch as well, that could have been hiding under all of his golden wrist chains. He made sure he flashed it in Rudgekins direction, his biggest detractor here at the boardroom Rudgekin, just to let you know, many a marble rolled from my crack to win many a marble tourney. To all the naysayers, looks like I have just delivered! A 28 Karat gold watch, guys! Pete clapped his hands and shouted Woo! Woo! Big Chihuahua!

He smiled at the crowd. He then sat down at the helm of the table, reclining and now putting his feet up on the desk. His shoes were also a dark blue matching leather, with the gold brilliant ’Autoshoppo’ logo on the sides with the personal popular label found again on the walking tread, to his wife’s dismay. Lucie could not believe her husband’s vagrant display of luxury, but she held her tongue tight for until the meeting would be over. There were dazzling silver stripes on the sides of the beautiful shoes that he wore. He then dropped his feet as the boardroom members gasped, watching him now take out a nice caribou velvet covered box from his jacket. He opened it up, revealing a 24 k gold pen with the ’Autoshoppo’ logo on it. It had a sparkly diamond on the top, serving as the button to press for to release the pen felt If I hit this diamond in the spotlight at the right angle, we can have a truly discotheque moment right here guys! Anybody got any 1920’s disco music? Alright Pete, get out your technetronic harmonica sessions! I know someday your band will make it once all this new age stuff wears off! He directed the top of the pen at such an angle in the light that it shone in the eyes of Pete and Phil. They put their hands to cover their eyes to try to stop the glare from hitting them. Beautiful rainbow like colors erupted around the boardroom walls.

Phil Barnstien motioned, Nice pen, Harold. Where did you get that, I love it! Some guys get all the luck! It makes me feel like I am reliving my old how down dances back on Hollywood Boulevard! When Pearl Sinnissey got loaded and lost her gold plated falsies when she bit down on a champagne cork bottle. Her falsies launched up and got stuck in our piñata way up in the air, but what a brilliant display it put on that night as the light glittered from its incisors. Let’s test that there diamond on Bill Targaffs lenses, to see if it scratches and see if it is a real diamond! Bill turned his head away from Harold and Phil in disapproval, placing his left hand on his forehead. Harold responded as he began to click rigorously back and forth on the top Let’s leave old Bills glasses alone, as he has a smudging with his hands problem, and it causes us to spend more on Windex like forever year on end. Scratching his glasses would only cost us more in Windex. Some people just cannot tell between a scratch and a smudge problem, but that is as far as I will go with that there problem right now. Just like our finances, Bill. They money pile always looks better with 3 D glasses Bill looked at his CEO with some raised eyebrows. It made their CEO continue Alright, some people cannot distinguish between dirt and real scour marks. But at least he fakes us through the shell game of quarterly business numbers every year! Making our stock go up, way up! Thank you Bill. The best chief financial officer we could find on the internet buy and sell list under ’Jacks of all trades! Now, all this luxurious stuff was all given to me by the ’AutoShoppo’ Company, for gunny pigging out their new state of the art shopping cart. It is probably worth more than a few thousand dollars, but who is counting? And, for us signing on with this new multi-million dollar contract for the Autoshoppo cart, we will be miles ahead of the competition for the ease and comfort of the personal shopping experience Shandy the secretary began to clap, who was typing everything he was saying into the companies recorded briefing notes. Lucy, his tired wife and head of marketing, tilted her head to the left, looking at her husband who now looked like a rapper Harold, I am not sure if this is the right direction to head to right now. I mean, we got so many clothes and complementary items in our closet right now! I am fuming that we may need more closet space for all this free but expensive ’Autoshoppo’ stuff. I thought we were not going to automate our supermarkets like the old Acadou markets that we dethroned in the past. Will we be going backwards, instead of forwards? We may have to buy a newer home with a larger walk in closet. Can you sneak me in an ’Autoshoppo’ gold plated curling iron as well?

Steve, his best and most sane friend, the human resources manager, sought back in his chair to try to get the board back to a rational decision making process I am not looking forward to complicated machines going in to our supermarkets, and having to train our personnel on how to be maintenance professionals. Is that another gold chain you got underneath that shirt, hooked up to your man nipple? Harold then lifted up his shirt, hauled out the many gold chains, which all had the AutoShoppo logo on them. All attached to his man nipples that looked as if they were painfully hanging a few inches from their ordinary place Sure they are, Steve. But do not fret, people! No holes were drilled or jackhammered to amass the 20 gold chains to my man nipples, rest ye assured. But they sure are stretching them out like a pregnant sow after her 18th piglet! Too painful! He then unclipped them as they all fell into his lap. His wife Lucy looked up at the ceiling in confusion. The boardroom members began to moan. Pete yelled I love those chains. I want some from the manufacturer too! Klide Samuels smiled Forget about the chain, I seen that AutoShoppo money clip he has hanging from his belt! I want one of those. Or a big feed of bologna sandwiches! But I wonder if our people can change the belts, grease, and even talk to the machines when they get lonely. I remember once this perky little android, and she had a programing from this high tech silicon savvy that could defy the definition of beautiful…

Harold yelled and stood up, as the room was getting too excited over all of his free paraphernalia he would get and now they too possibly with the multimillion dollar order of the ’AutoShoppo’ auto cart. Not to mentions Klide’s ability to talk forever No, you guys will get none of this promotional stuff! Zero. Nada. Nothing! After this deal, yours truly maybe getting an exotic condo overlooking Beijing, stocked with a hundred year supply of Chinese synthetic polymer food stuff noodles. Sorry, but it is only available to the CEO. But, thanks for asking! He paused, gave a long breath, and then stood up at the table Ladies and Gentleman, and pioneers of the future Supermarketeers, here is the Chinese wonder kid Plantz Flip and his extraordinary ’Autoshoppo’ cart!

All of a sudden, two lovely bikini clad women opened up the boardroom doors where Harold had first come in. There in the driver’s seat, sat a man cruising along with an Autoshoppo. Inspiring flower petals were thrown in the sky by the bikini women, and bird music played. A cowbell could be heard, with several chirps between a harps cords. The crowd were all silently stunned with Plantz waving gently to them all with an overanxious vertical twisting hand wave. The compact vehicle had a set of rubber tracks that looked like a miniature tank only not enclosed. It had a seating area on the back, and a large cart in the front. It also had two telescopic robotic arms with hands out front that could reach out at long distances. The robotic hands appeared as many pliers that could catch and grab items. He whirred it around to the front where Harold stood to proudly anticipate shaking the man’s hand. He stopped the machine, stepping off to embrace Harold, rather than give him a handshake. Plantz then kissed him on the left, then the right cheek, as Harold had a hard time to press him away. Rudgekin asked Lucy Did he cure your husband’s irritating puss generating rash on his bum too? Harold pried himself away finally from the over thankful Plantz Flip Ok! Yes, ladies and gentleman, here is the amazing Plantz Flip and his Autoshoppo cart. This will revolutionize, not the supermarket, but how people shop at the market. Got that Lucie? as he winked at her.

Plantz then made sure he got up in front of everyone and began to speak. Hi everyone! waving his hand to the boardroom members. Rudgekin the third gave out a long grunt, in a rude way, almost mocking the great inventor. Pete was the only one to show his hand in a big wave Everyone, please do as I do. Ok, music boy, stop the overboard glaring western style music now, please! I need concentration here! What ever happened to a bamboo flute or little cello in there? No one followed Pete’s exuberant hand waving in the air, except for Klide Samuels. A young woman dressed in a white sheet in the back stopped playing her harp, and another young man put down his cowbell and let the birds fly out of a cage into the main lobby to stop the music from continuing in order to start a very stately presentation. Plantz began his sales pitch Let me introduce to you, the ’Autoshoppo’ cart. The truly, first total auto assistant shopping aid ever known to man. Not since the woolly mammoth sat on prehistoric man’s snow hut during those cold, frigid nights, did food every come delivered in a laser targeted precision fashion to you! You know yourself, as you people have worked in a grocery store, how some clerks have to give a hand to some people to get things off of the shelf. Maybe some objects are too heavy, maybe they are very fragile, that you rather not trust a bumbling customer to handle it. A clumsy cell phone texting customer handling a glass bottle of ketchup can sometimes bring in a false call to the paramedics! Remember that a broken flower pot, cracked eggs, and a gnawed off bloody chicken leg from a full roasting hen can make a mundane customer go insane. With the ’Autoshoppo’, there is no need for the customer to pick up anything. No more test tasting customers, people! It does all the work for them, tenderly and precisely. Let the inferior silly cheapskate bargain hunting customer enjoy the ride! Sit back and enjoy the ride to the future. The future is here, and it hears you well, let’s all ’Autoshoppo’! Your insurance company will love you for it, and have no excuse for those large premium increases! It can be programmed as well by company management to buy the priciest items on the shelf, or even just pick up things the customer may not even realize that is in their cart!

Rudgekin the third smiled I like that last part there, where the customer does not know what the ’Autoshoppo’ is placing in his or her cart! Steve was taking notes found the presentation very interesting How much for each machine? Plantz then looked menacingly around the boardroom, pretending not to know who was asking the question. He seemed to know that it was a detraction from his slide show Silence please, I want to do a presentation here. Please leave this minute, those who are focused on attacking my presentation, or just continue to be mesmerized by its incredible efficacy. If you worry about the pricing now, you will close your pocketbooks before the brain has its chance to absorb much superior knowledge! Automation always justifies any amount of money! The till is limitless, once you see the magic of complete satisfaction and flawlessness! I can answer all of your little dubious falling in a pit of impaling spiked tricky questions long, long after the demonstration. I know your company has deep pockets because of this very successful man I am so honoured to be with today, the overly intelligent Harold Wannapus. Want to stay on top of things? Buy the ’Autoshoppo’ for all of your stores around the world! Do not worry about the cost, as it will be an honest, scientifically approved, over your head if you go to a corner store for sardines, appraised market valued price for the ’Autoshoppo’ from Glitchko industries! It is nothing your great company cannot afford to have!" Harold smiled as he put his arm around Mr. Plantz, as he swung the seat around to offer Harold to get on the machine to drive it.

Pete screamed Do not let him drive that machine! If you let him drive that machine, I am leaving right now! Harold sat down on the machine, dangled the gold starting key at Pete, placed it in the ignition and then smiled at him It is fully automated, Pete. Totally fool proof. Not that I am a fool. Super genius, maybe! Gesh, I will not be touching a single button except for placing the start key in its ignition. It is controlled by GPS, Pete. All those stars you see at night are not just my ancient relatives’ planets, but a few of Glitchkos very own bio diesel or pig excrement self-propelled satellites that actually safely drive these things! I am doubtful, for the record, that Pete is a star gazer!

Harold gave a puzzled look at Mr. Plantz How do I turn it on? The key is now in Plantz laughed in return Just press the big green ’on’ button that has the Chinese word ’start’ on it. It is a double safety feature. It will light up as soon as you press it, my friend. Each ’Autoshoppo’ has a Chinese English conversion dictionary, just in case we do not get the English labels done up in time at the time of sale to your company. We will personally chain an English Chinese dictionary to each machine so your shoppers will never get into any trouble with the Chinese labelling Harold pressed the green on button. Then almost instantly, the machine began to travel at 2 miles an hour down the back of the boardroom chairs where the members were sitting. Harold smiled I love Chinese, especially those Chinese food buffets with bologna balls instead of chicken balls. Sandy, order up a full order for 30 people for Chinese bologna balls

They all watched in cautious glee. Mr. Plantz got up and began to explain how his machine worked. Curtains opened showing an 80 inch television screen, showing his ’Autoshoppo’ cart winning a race at Lemans. An ’Autoshoppo’ climbed Everest, with Harold in the driver’s seat, his two hands holding an oxygen bottle with the mask covering his nose and mouth. He extended his retractable pointer, and began to showcase his machines abilities This machine works on GPS as your incredible chairman has just explained. Global positioning streetcar! A signal is sent… Pete interrupted Was that stuff all photo shopped? You mean global positioning satellite! He slammed down his pointer at the head of the boardroom desk, as it splintered in two and one end dove in between the secretaries Shandy’s breasts in between her V cut blouse How can I work with all this distraction? No, I said global positioning cars! Or streetcars! GPC, you see! It was too expensive to use the GPS from all of the providers out there, so we at Glitchko industries made our own GPS system, using streetcars instead of satellites Steve questioned But, GPS is reliable and a proven service. Could metal buildings block your streetcar signal? What everyone on this board wants to know, is how do I get the confidence when I am shopping in Mongolia, that my ’Autoshoppo’ cart will not crap out on me during the Genghis Khan busker days? What if your streetcars run out of pig gas due to future embargos?

Mr. Plantz threw up his hands in the air Smart Alek! he looked at Harold and began talking in a low voice, looking to the side of the projection screen in a twisted fashion So we have a detractor in our midst who should be sent to the mailing department, perhaps He then sighed This detractor is not as smart as Glitchko! If our cars fail, we have herds of goats not only in Mongolia, but in the Alps, that have strapped to them the GPS transmitting devices Steve shot back But what if your GPC does not work in America? What then? Mr. Plantz ran his trembling right hand through his hair as his voice crackled to continue Foolish boy, we have the fearsome but loathsome American squirrel with our GPS transponders as well belted on them! I will teach you all a lesson in life, that once upon a time my paper thin boy like skull was crazy glued to a one side open ended box with a squirrel in it, and the only way out for the dull toothed candy eating varmint was through the forehead! The rest of the outside box was covered in the high commands month long without having being changed, crusty hardened underwear, to my dismay, by the North Korean Army. I now truly know a squirrel can chew through almost anything! Luckily he slid through my brains, although he farted once while up in there, and I sneezed him out of my overly large nostril in order to get him to freedom. He repaid the favor, by eating away the ropes that bound my hands and nearly chewed my computer gaming thumb off. Me and my little vile friend escaped, by myself rolling down a hill and hitting a rocky ramp which vaulted me over the fences that divided two nations, while being shot at by highly accurate South Korean machine gun fire. Later they discovered my true genius, and that I was not a spy but just a picnic guy who got lost through a few hundred feet of barbed wire. The result from the squirrels shifting back and forth through my skull at that time and with his massive passing of rear exit gas, my two brain halves have fused into one and now has created this genius you now see in front of you. I programmed the controller to go around the boardroom table a long time ago, taking its signals from GPS squirrels, so do not worry people. It does not... I repeat. It does not, have a mind of its own he smiled. The people at the boardroom table nodded in approval. They were in awe of its versatility, and felt sorry for the man who had a squirrel that ran rampage through his brain. He was only trying to save people time and energy. The ’Autoshoppo’ was gently picking up Styrofoam cups, pencils, and utensils all around the table all the while.

Harold decided to get back with the program Wow, is this seat every comfortable. The handlebars are made of incredible space tech foam. So smooth and soft, I could bang my head on these for hours! Need I touch the handlebars at all, Mr. Flip? I drive a beast, you know Mr. Flip walked behind the moving autoshoppo, smiling all along the way No need to activate the handle bars. They are only a precaution, in case you lose streetcar or squirrel global positioning contact. If you do lose the signal from the squirrel, the machine will slowly stop, and it can be pushed effortlessly to the counter like the old basket apple carts used during those great historic feudalism periods! Pete yelled Do not touch the handlebars sir. Just leave the machine do its job, like the new cars that are coming out in 2020! They drive by themselves! Wow! Harold