Finding My Way Home

Chapter One

Diane Miller

I feel Ethan’s soft hand touch my arm. Off in the distance, I hear him talking to me. Wake up, baby. You are going to be late for work.

Groaning, I open my eyes to find my husband’s arm wrapped around me. Do I have to? I like where I am now.

Laughing, Ethan pinches my leg. I like it too, but you do need to get up.

You woke me from a very sexy dream about you.

Ethan moves closer to me. Oh yeah, what was it about?

I roll over and kiss the nape of his neck, then his beautiful mouth. Ethan and morning sex go hand in hand. I was always shy about kissing him in the morning. You know how it is in the morning with dragon breath and bed hair. It never bothered him, and eventually, I caved. He is so goddamn handsome. How could I not?

I see you had one of those dreams, didn’t you? What can I do to relieve the ache, sweetheart?

After more than twenty years of marriage, Ethan still knows how to rev my engine. What are you doing, Ethan? I am asking him a stupid question. I know what he is doing.

In his sexy morning voice, he whispers to me, If you need to ask me, I’m doing something wrong.

How much time do we have? The hell with work, I don’t care if I’m late.

If I give it my best effort, we have maybe ten minutes.

You always work well under pressure. Give it your best shot!

Before I know what is happening to me, Ethan is on top of me, and my arms are over my head. I love it when he restrains me. His body feels hot on top of mine. Ethan always overwhelms me, and before I can say anything, our bodies become one. And then he does what he always does. He stops moving and takes a minute to savor the intimacy. I close my eyes and tighten my muscles around him, silently asking him to move. It doesn’t work, and I hear a soft chuckle come from him.

That never works, my darling.

How does he always do this to me? You would think that after all these years, I’ve heard it all, but somehow, Ethan always manages to make me cry. Today is no different than any other day. I lower my hands to his dimpled ass and pull him closer to me. If you don’t move soon, I will dig my nails into your gorgeous ass.

Violence doesn’t become you, Diane, but if you want me to move, who am I to deny you anything?

Such a smart mouth, but I love it. I love everything about my husband. Just as we are about to implode, there is a loud knock on the bedroom door. It’s our daughter. Ethan moans in my ear, Can she come back in two minutes?

The ship has sailed, honey. Get off me. Kellie’s constant banging on the door is the only sound in the room.

Mommy, please, get out of bed. I have to leave for school soon.

What time is it?

It’s six-thirty. Why are you still sleeping?

Ethan yells out to her. Kellie, Mommy slept late this morning. Go down to the kitchen and eat breakfast. I’ll take you and Joey to school.

So much for morning sex, Ethan mutters as he pulls on his underwear, sweatpants, and a tee-shirt. Go take a shower. I’ll make their lunch. How many years do we have before they go away to college?

The thought of my babies out of the house is a sobering thought. Joey graduates in what feels like a few months, and we have already helped him with several college applications. My son is just like his father; ambitious, focused, and intelligent. My daughter, well, the jury’s still out on my little princess. We have a difficult time keeping her focused on her school work. It’s hard remembering what I was like at eight years old, and I am trying to be patient. Her grades are good, but she’d rather have a sleepover with her little friends than read a book.

I shower in record time, and I have about thirty minutes to eat something. Joey, as usual, is waiting outside in the car. Kellie is taking her sweet time eating two eggs and toast. Ethan has infinite patience with our little princess.

Kellie, honey, you have to finish your breakfast. We leave in five minutes.

She looks at me, at her father, then the plate in front of her. I don’t like my eggs cooked this way.

Well, little girl, maybe it’s time we taught you how to cook your breakfast. You can cook your eggs however you like them.

The look on my daughter’s face had me choking on my coffee. What, me cook? I’m only eight years old!

Ethan laughs at Kellie’s dramatics. Then I suggest you eat the eggs that I cooked for you. When you are old enough, I will teach you how to cook breakfast.

I’ll eat the eggs, Daddy. No need to show me anything.

Ethan and I look at each other and roll our eyes. God help us when she starts high school. Five minutes later, the kids and Ethan are on their way to school. The house is finally quiet, and I sit down at the table and savor a second cup of coffee, toast, and the remaining eggs.

*****

I’m still in the kitchen when my cell phone rings. It’s Ethan. The roads are slick, honey. Be careful driving to work.

I laugh at him. You do realize that I’ve been driving for over twenty-five years.

I know. I worry about you. There are a lot of crazy drivers out here. Just be careful, okay?

Yes, Ethan. I will be careful. Love you.

Love you too, honey. Call me when you get to work.

Yes, Daddy, I say in my sexiest voice. I hear Ethan inhale a deep breath. I can imagine his cock rising to the occasion. I love winding him up.

You’re lucky the kids are in the car. I have so many things I want to say to you right now.

Hah. I know. Are you hard?

What do you think?

I take that as a yes. You can’t talk dirty to me.

I will, tonight.

Looking forward to it.

I’m still laughing as I get in my car and back out of the garage. Damn, the weather is bad. The rain is coming down hard. I contemplate waiting until it stops, but I’ll be late for work. I am a careful driver, and my kids always tell me that I drive like an old lady. Better to be safe than sorry.

There is not much traffic this morning, which is unusual. I am so focused on the road in front of me that it takes me more than a few seconds to react when I see a car on the other side of the road coming at me. The headlights of the vehicle temporarily blind me. My reaction time is not quick enough. I can’t get out of the way, and that’s the last thing I remember.

*****

I am looking down at my car as I float farther and farther away from me?I’m hurt, I know it, and yet I feel no pain. My body feels weightless.It’s the oddest sensation. I feel peaceful. Is this what it feels like when you die?As I float farther away, I suddenly see my grandmother, Jane. Now I know I’m dead. Grannie Jane, is that you?I suddenly feel afraid, more afraid than I have ever been in my life.The reality that I’m dead hits me.I will never see my children. I will never kiss my husband.I will never again tell them that I love them. Oh God, this can’t be happening to me. I don’t want to die!I reach out my arms to my Grandmother. Grannie Jane shakes her head no.

It’s not your time, sweetheart. I know you are frightened, but you must go back. Your babies need you. Ethan needs you. He won’t survive without you. You must go back.

I’m afraid, Grannie. Will I be okay?

I’m sorry, Diane. I cannot see the future. I only know you do not belong here.

My Grandmother looks ethereal, and there is a soft glow surrounding her. She looks so pretty, just like I remember her. I miss her so much, but I know I must go back.My family needs me.

Will I see you again someday, Grannie?

I will be here waiting for you, my sweet child. Live your life and take care of your family. They love you so very much.

As I reach out to touch my Grandmother’s hand, I feel intense pain, and the world is once again dark.

*****

Her legs are pinned under the steering wheel. Get the Jaws of Life. We need to cut the roof off the car. Multiple injuries. Compound fracture of the left leg…I need an air cast…mobilize the leg….fractured arm.

I hear voices in the distance. I’m tired, and I can’t focus.What’s happening to me?I listen to a loud sawing sound, and then the top of my car is lifted off of me.I can feel the rain hitting my face. There is activity all around me.I feel someone lifting me onto a hard surface.I fade in and out of consciousness.Where is Ethan? I need Ethan!My head hurts. My leg hurts. Why can’t I speak?

Chapter Two

Ethan Miller

The drive to school is loud, as usual. Kellie is very vocal this morning, and that usually irritates Joey. My son needs to lighten up a little. He’s too intense for a seventeen-year-old boy. I look in the rearview mirror and say, Kellie honey; lower your voice, please. I can hear you.

Sorry, Daddy. I’m excited about the field trip to the zoo. I can’t wait to see the lions. Joey thinks the zoo is for babies. I’m not a baby. Tell him, Daddy!

I look in the rearview mirror again, and I see Joey rolling his eyes at me. Joey, your sister is not a baby.

I know, Dad. I hear it every day.

Patience is a virtue, son.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

I pull up outside his school, and he’s out of the car before I can say, Have a good day, son. Kellie climbs over the seat to sit next to me. She looks sad. I wish Joey would realize she’s still a little girl.

Daddy, why does Joey hate me?

She’s so serious and on the verge of tears. I reach over to hold her hand. Honey, your brother doesn’t hate you. I need you to remember that he is older than you. Between you and me, he was a little stinker when he was your age. Don’t tell him I told you, okay? This is our little secret.

I like keeping secrets!

I’m sure you do, sweetheart. Please buckle your seatbelt.

My phone chimes with a message, but I can’t stop to check my phone. A few seconds later, another message. The beeping goes on for the ten-minute drive to Kellie’s school. I’ve counted at least twelve of them. What the hell is going on at the hospital? After I drop off Kellie, I pull into the parking lot to check my messages. I stare at my phone in horror as the words glare back at me.

Diane…accident…serious injuries…need you as soon as possible.

And then I see the message from my brother.

I need to operate asap…head trauma…broken leg… broken arm…running tests now.

Oh God, please take care of my wife! My brain shuts down as the words sink in. Diane needs me. I jump out of my car and run into the school. I need to get my daughter before she leaves for her school field trip. She doesn’t understand what’s happening and is crying.

Baby, listen to me. Mommy was in a car accident. We have to get Joey and go to the hospital.

Will mommy be ok? What’s happened to her?

I won’t know what happened until we get to the hospital. Uncle Jeremy is taking care of Mommy for us. She will be okay. Why don’t I believe what I just said?

I call Joey, and he is waiting for me outside of school. He’s quiet as we drive to the hospital, and when I look in the rearview mirror, he is holding Kellie in his arms. When we arrive at the hospital, I ask one of the nurses to take my children to my office. I don’t want them waiting in the emergency room. Once I am certain they are taken care of, I find my colleague, Dr. Christie Harris.

Where is my wife, Christie?

She is with Jeremy, and he is supervising the CT scan.

What can you tell me? How serious are her injuries?

Diane has a compound fracture of the left leg; she has numerous cuts, a fractured left arm, and three fractured ribs. We want to rule out brain trauma. The CT scan should be done in about half an hour.

Has she responded to voice command?

No. Mrs. Miller has been unconscious since the EMT’s brought her in. The paramedics said the fire department had to cut her out of the car. The car that hit her head on is still at the scene, and the police are in the process of arresting the driver. From what they could hear, he was drinking and crossed over into Diane’s lane, hitting her car, and the force of the crash pushed her car off the road and into a tree.

I pace the floor while I wait for my brother Jerry. Time crawls as I think of the thousand things I failed to say to her this morning. This can’t be the end of our beautiful life! Today will not be the last day I tell Diane that I love her. Our entire life together flashes in my mind. So many times, we get caught up in our daily routine of taking the kids to school, parent-teacher meetings, school outings, amongst other things that we fail to take a few minutes to say ‘I love you, have a good day, call me when you get home from work.’ We take all of these things for granted until we face days like this one. The thought that I could lose my beautiful wife sickens me. The bile in my stomach is burning its way up to my throat as I pace back and forth, waiting, praying for good news. Several minutes later, I see Jerry.

How is she? Do you have the results of the CT scan?

I see intracranial bleeding in the cerebral cortex, beneath the frontal lobe. We need to operate immediately to relieve the pressure on Diane’s brain. Come with me. You can have a few minutes while the surgical staff gets everything ready.

This is my worst nightmare. My feet are frozen as I stand at the foot of the bed and stare at my wife. God, there is blood everywhere. I can’t let my children see her like this. I soak a few towels and wipe the blood from her face, neck, arms, and hair. Tears burn my eyes as the paper towels turn red. A thousand towels will never wipe away this memory.

I’ve done the best that I could to clean away the blood, but nothing that I do now will prepare my children when they see their mother. No child should have to see this. No child should have to face the reality of saying goodbye to their mother. The five minutes it takes me to go up to my office are the worst five minutes of my life. I do not want to leave Diane alone in a cold, sterile room. I want to hold her in my arms and will her to look at me. I want her to know that I am by her side.

My children will never forgive me if I don’t let them see their mother before the operation. When I open my office door, I see Kellie is asleep in my chair, and Joey is pacing the room. The look on his face pierces my heart and sucks all of the air out of my lungs.

What’s going on, Dad?

Mom needs an operation because she has a head injury, and Uncle Jerry needs to repair it. I walk over to my chair and lift Kellie into my arms. She wakes when she feels me carrying her out of my office.

Where are we going, Daddy?

Mommy needs to have an operation. Uncle Jerry said we could see her for a few minutes.

*****

I have never seen my children look as frightened as they do today, and it breaks my heart. I need to be strong for them. Jerry is the best in his field, and I trust him with not only my life but the life of my wife and children. The emergency room is always busy, and today is like any other day. The sounds and smells frighten my kids. Diane and I have tried to shelter them, and maybe that was a mistake, and now, unfortunately, they must face the reality of sickness, pain, and suffering. I don’t want this for them, and if I could, I would be the one lying on a gurney, bruised and broken.

Before we enter her cubicle, I take a minute to speak to Kellie. I want to tell you that Mommy may look a little bad. She has some cuts and bruises on her face and arms. I don’t want you to be scared when you see her. Mommy is sleeping, and she doesn’t feel any pain. The nurse gave her something to take away the pain.

Joey looks at me, and he knows I’m lying. I reach out to hold his hand, firmly squeezing it. The look on his face speaks a thousand words. He knows the seriousness of Diane’s injuries. I take a deep breath and open the curtain to my wife’s room. Oh God, I want to scream; why her? It kills me seeing my beautiful Diane bloody and broken. Kellie cries out and runs to her mother.

Kellie, be careful. You will hurt Mommy if you touch her.

She looks at me horrified and is frightened to move. I take her hand, and we walk to the bed together. I whisper in her ear. Be gentle, honey. Mommy can hear you.

She looks up at me for guidance, and my heart breaks. Once again, I whisper. Tell Mommy you love her and will be waiting for her when she wakes up. Kellie leans in and places her hand on top of Diane’s. The image of their two hands joined will stay with me for a long time. I pray with all that I have that this will not be the last time my children see their mother.

Mommy, I know you are sleeping. Daddy, Joey, and me are here with you. Uncle Jerry will fix you, and then you’ll be okay. I’m waiting for you to wake up.

I lean down and kiss my sweet daughter. That was perfect, honey. Give Joey a minute with Mom.

My ever so confident son freezes, and tears well in his eyes. I ask the nurse to take Kellie outside. I don’t want her to see her brother cry. I open my arms, and my son falls into me sobbing.

She can’t die, Dad. What will we do without her?

Against my better instincts, I lie to my son. Uncle Jerry is the best neurosurgeon in the state. Mom is in good hands. Nothing will happen to her, Joey, and in a couple of days, she will be awake and on the road to recovery.

I hate lying to my son. What else can I say? I can’t tell him this is a very dangerous operation. I can’t tell him that her injuries are life-threatening. He can’t handle the truth, and honestly, I don’t want to tell him the truth.

I want you to say a prayer for your mother. I know she feels us with her. Draw strength in prayer, Joey. God is with us.

Will you be with her when they operate? I don’t want her to be alone.

I’ll be with her, Joey. Mom will not be alone.

Nodding, he pulls away from me and wipes his eyes. He walks over to Diane, whispers something that I cannot hear, and then kisses her forehead. He turns to me and takes a deep breath.

Take Kellie back to my office and call your grandparents. I want everyone here as soon as possible. I need a few minutes alone with Mom.

Once Joey leaves the room, I carefully sit on the edge of the bed and hold my wife’s hand. Her hand feels warm against mine. I have so much to say, yet the words will not form in my brain. I can only think of one thing to say to her. Leaning down, I kiss the nape of her neck and whisper to her, Come back to me, my darling. I love you with all that I am. Our children need their mother, and. I need you, Diane. I know I don’t say it enough, but I love you to the moon and back. You hold my heart in your hands. You own my soul, and I am nothing without you. We will be waiting for you when you wake up. I love you, Diane. I am lost in my memories when I feel a hand on my shoulder. It’s my brother.

It’s time, Ethan. We need to prepare Diane for surgery, and I need you to sign the consent forms.

I want to be in the operating room.

Jerry shakes his head. I don’t think that’s a good idea. You are too stressed right now. I don’t need the distraction.

Jerry, please, I’ll stay out of your way. I just need her to know that I’m with her.

Sighing, he said, Ok, but if I see you losing your shit, you’re out of there. I mean it, Ethan.

Ok, I get it. Is everyone on the surgical staff in the hospital?

Chapter Three

Diane

I hear voices. I listen to a little girl crying. Why is she crying?Where am I? Why can’t I move? I feel cold. I feel alone. I feel…fear! I’m afraid, and I don’t know why. Is there something wrong with me? I can’t remember anything. I feel hands touching me. What are they doing to me?I hear a buzzing sound and something cold touching my skin. The black haze is all around me. It feels like I am floating on a cloud. I see faces, people that recognize me. Who are they?It is so beautiful where I am now. I feel safe. I feel nothing but peaceful. Is this heaven?Am I dead?

Ethan

My hands are shaking, but I hide them behind my back. If Jeremy sees me shaking, he will throw me out of the operating room. I keep out of everyone’s way as they prepare Diane for surgery. I know she will cry when she sees her shaved head. It saddens me to see her hair gone. I love running my fingers through it while I hold her in my arms. My stomach tightens at the thought. I close my eyes and try desperately to slow my racing heart. I can’t fall apart now. I must pay attention to the surgery.

As the nurses continue their pre-surgery checklist, I walk over to the operating table and hold Diane’s hand. Her left arm is extended outward to accommodate the blood pressure cuff and several IV’s. Her hand is now cold. Why is she cold? I place my fingers over her pulse point. Slow and steady. That’s good. A quick scan of her chart calms me. Heart rate, pulse, and temperature look good. It’s time for me to move out of the way. Jerry has just entered the operating room. We look at each other for a few tense seconds. My eyes speak for me. Jerry understands me and nods.

Okay, people. Let’s get started. Ethan, remain where you are, please.

It’s difficult to put into words seeing someone you love undergo a dangerous operation. I have been a doctor for almost twenty years. I’ve seen just about everything, and yet, watching my brother perform surgery on my wife is gut-wrenching. The operation is proceeding without problems, and I am relieved. My brother is an excellent surgeon. I watch his steady hands, and I am so grateful that he is the one operating on my wife. I am so focused on what he is doing that I fail to notice movement around the operating table.

I hear Jerry yell out, We have a bleeder. Metzenbaum Clamp. Cauterize. Suction. Sponge.

Doctor, blood pressure is dropping, 60 over 40. Heart rate is irregular.

Continue to monitor. I can’t stop now. Norepinephrine fifteen milligrams IV push.

Yes, doctor. Fifteen milligrams Norepinephrine, IV push.

One minute later, my entire world crumbles around me. I hear the anesthesiologist yell, Code Red. He immediately starts squeezing the air bag attached to the respirator. One of the nurses climbs onto the operating table and begins CPR. Another nurse runs for the defibrillator. It all happens so quickly; I have no time to react. I watch in horror as my wife hovers between life and death.

Jerry is barking orders as he continues the operation. Charge to two hundred joules; on three.

One, two, Jerry steps back, three.

Diane’s body jerks, and I hold my breath.

Flatline, doctor, I am charging again to two hundred joules. One, two, Jerry steps back again, three.

I hold my breath and say a silent prayer.

The patient is in normal sinus rhythm, doctor. Pulse is 65; blood pressure is 110 over 70.

Several times I fight the urge to vomit. I am afraid to leave my wife, but I can no longer control my rolling stomach. I quietly leave the operating room and run to the bathroom. My throat is on fire. My stomach is in knots as I toss what little I have left. I’m not proud of myself for losing my shit. I can’t go back now, so I take off my surgical gown, sit on the floor, and wait in the hallway. I check my phone and see several messages from my parents and in-laws. Everyone is on their way. I may be a grown man, but I need my mother right now.

*****

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting on the floor. My ass is numb, and I have a splitting headache. I think I fell asleep for a few minutes. My body is stiff, and it takes me a few seconds to get off the floor. I see one of the scrub nurses approach me. My heart leaps in my chest, and I am relieved to hear the operation is over, and Diane is in recovery. Walking behind her, I say a silent prayer of thanks that Diane made it through the surgery. Jerry is standing by her bed, writing something in her chart. The look on his face concerns me. I know my brother, and his face says everything I don’t want to know.

I want to see her chart, Jerry.

He shakes his head no. Not until I speak to you. Come with me.

I silently follow my brother out into the hallway. He turns to me, and I swear to God, he looks like he’s about to cry. What the fuck happened?

Just say it, Jerry. Whatever it is, tell me, and we will deal with it.

We almost lost her, Ethan. It’s a miracle she survived the surgery. I couldn’t lose my focus. Everyone worked like hell to save her life. I’ve made the decision to keep her in a medically induced coma. It will be touch and go for the next few days.

Can I see her?

Yes, but only for a few minutes. We’re moving Diane to ICU shortly.

I surprise my brother when I gather him in my arms. Thank you for saving her life. I’ll never be able to repay you because when you saved her, you also saved me. Before he can respond, I turn and walk away from him. I am too emotionally strung out to talk further. I just want to see my wife.

I spend the next few minutes holding my wife’s hand. Diane looks so peaceful, as if she were just sleeping, but I know the truth. Medically induced coma is only used in the most critical or potentially terminal patients as a tool to speed the healing process. The mind and body are in a state of total relaxation, which promotes the body’s natural ability to heal.

Medically induced coma can go on for a few days to a few weeks, depending on the severity of the injury. The fact that Diane’s heart stopped beating twice scares me. I look up at the monitor, and I am relieved to see a steady heart rate. The constant clicking of the respirator grates on my nerves. I lean down to kiss her forehead, check her chart, and leave the room.

*****

How do I tell my children their mother is in a coma? I can’t tell them the truth. It would frighten them beyond their capacity to cope. As I walk towards my office, I see my father standing outside my door drinking a cup of coffee. He sees me walking towards him. No words need to be said. He puts the cup on the floor, opens his arms, and I walk into his embrace. The familiar scent of Pinaud shoots up my nose. I’m shaking uncontrollably. I don’t want my children to see me like this. My father leads me down the corridor and away from my office. Once we are alone, I break down.

Let it out, son. I know you are scared. I know this is serious, and I just talked to Jerry. We are here for you, Ethan. Whatever you need, your mother and I will help you. Bill and Barbara took the kids to the cafeteria to get something to eat.

William and Barbara Denton are Diane’s parents. I am not happy that they are here. Diane’s relationship with her mother has always been bitter from as far back as high school. They never got along, and William sat back and let it happen.

"I’m scared, Dad. I feel like there is a weight crushing my chest.