Etiquette Guide to China: Know the Rules that Make the Difference!

ETIQUETTE GUIDE TO

CHINA

Know the rules that

make the difference!

BOYÉ LAFAYETTE DE MENTE

REVISED BY PATRICK WALLACE

TUTTLE Publishing

Tokyo | Rutland, Vermont | Singapore

Contents

Preface

Notes on Pronunciation

Part I The Middle Kingdom

Chapter 1   The Origins of Chinese Etiquette

The World According to Lao Tzu

Folk Tales and Proverbs

The Wonder That Was China!

The Eclipse of the Great Chinese Civilization

The Communist Regime of Mao Zedung

Opting for the Capitalist Road!

Chapter 2   The New China

China’s Little Emperors to the Fore!

China’s Female Etiquette Guru

Chinese Etiquette in the New Global Age

The China Web

Jail, Censorship, and the Great Firewall

Westerners in the Chinese Digital World

Chapter 3   Cultural Influences on Chinese Etiquette

The Yin-yang Principle

China’s Dragon Culture

The Power of Feng Shui

Lucky Numbers in China

How the Chinese View Foreigners

Women in Present-day China

The Role of Face in Chinese Etiquette

What/How vs. Why/Because

Law vs. Reality

Public Rights vs. Private Rights

Connections vs. Competence

Using the Back Door in China

Hong Kong: China’s Old Wild West

China’s New Wild West

Part II Minding Your Manners in China

Chapter 4   Personal Etiquette in China

Using Family Names

Using Given Names

Bow or Shake Hands?

Hand Gestures and Body Language

Watching Your Tongue in China!

The Importance of the Apology

Yes & No in China

Chinese Modesty

Home Visits

Dating & Marriage in China

Intimate Behavior in Public

Chapter 5   Chinese Meals and Celebrations

The World of Chopsticks

Alcohol in China

Tea–China’s National Drink

The Honorable Guest Factor

Tipping as a Symbol of the New China

The Chinese-style Banquet

Sitting in the Right Place

Chinese Wedding Banquets

Celebrating Birthdays in China

Gift Giving in China

Bamboo Gifts

China’s Jade Culture

Part III Doing Business in China

Chapter 6   Foreigners and the Chinese Way of Doing Business

The Changing Role of Foreigners in the Workplace

Dealing with 56 Chinas!

China’s Government as Big Brother

The Language Barrier

The Culture Barrier

Professional Education & China’s Political Culture

The Dossier Factor in Chinese Life

Women in the Business World

Social Etiquette in Chinese Business

To Succeed in Business You Must Have Face

The Role of Guanxi

The Value of Introductions

The Information Black Hole

Using the Back Door in Business Relationships

Don’t Rotate Managers

Chapter 7   Cultural Influences Vital in Chinese Business

Business as Guerilla Warfare

The Senior/Junior Factor

Chinese Business: The New Generation

The Secrecy Syndrome

Two-Dimensional Thinking vs. Three-Dimensional Thinking

Production vs. Consumption

Collective Well-being

Group Orientation vs. Individualism

China’s Emphasis on Self-sufficiency

Personal vs. Group Accountability

Open-ended vs. Closed

Intellectual Piracy in China

Part IV Negotiating in China

Chapter 8   The Chinese Way of Negotiating

The Power of Face

The Friendship Factor

Thinking Holistically

Facts & Truth vs. How Things Are Done

Patience Is The Key

Never Forget; Never Forgive

Ultimatums Are Taboo

Technology High on the List

Chapter 9   Preparing to Negotiate in China

Social Status Counts

Senior People & Negotiating

Field the First Team

Learn How to Use Interpreters

Bring Your Own Interpreters

Leave Lawyers Out

Pay Attention to Small Details

Beware of Using Humor

Dress the Part

Chapter 10 What to Expect While Negotiating

The Business Card Imperative

Addressing the Senior Person

Sit Up Straight & Stand Tall!

Keep a Damper on Your Enthusiasm

Make a Series of Short Presentations

Keep Notes at Meetings

Confirm Mutual Understanding & Summarize the Meeting

Ask the Right Questions

Striking Like a Snake

Withholding Information

The Hit-Run Tactic

The Passive Face Ploy

Silence as a Negotiating Tactic

What to Do When They Leave the Room?

The Intimidation & Anger Tactics

Using Competitors as Bogeymen

Compromising the Right Way

Authority Levels Matter

Using Go-betweens

Keep on Negotiating!

Chapter 11 Business Entertainment

Business & Official Banquets

Reciprocal Banquet Hosting

Alcohol & Business

Answering Personal Questions

Gift Giving Is Dangerous

Chapter 12 When You Are Host in Your Own Country

Getting Personal

Structuring the Meeting Room

Providing Refreshments

Preliminary Remarks

Giving Your Guests Face

Inviting Guests Out for the Evening

Paying Bills

Seeing Your Guests Off

Appendix

Selected Vocabulary & Useful Expressions

Personal Titles

Family Relationships

Corporate Titles

Government Titles

Everyday Expressions

Useful Sentences

Saying hello and good-bye

Getting to know each other

In conversation

At the restaurant

At the office

At the hotel

On the road

Technology and communications

Money

Helpful Vocabulary

Glossary of Terms Related to Digital Communications

Index

Preface

Most Westerners think of culture (when they think of it at all) in terms of the arts, literature, and music, but these elements are only a small part of culture. Culture is also the way people think, talk, and behave, as well as the way they work and what they create. The various mental constructs that people have of their own existence, of life in all of its forms, and of the universe at large are products of their cultures. People are programmed by their cultures to view and react to the world in certain ways, and it is this programming that unifies them into individual civilizations.

The traditional culture of China is one of the most enduring and powerful ever to have been developed, and because it is the force that motivates and guides such a large number of people it is one of the world’s most important cultures.

Wenhua (wen-wha), the Chinese term for culture, can be translated as patterns of thought and behavior. The Chinese have traditionally viewed China more as a cultural entity than as a landmass, and in the past some writers have suggested that the country should be called Zhong Hua (Johng Whah), or Middle Cultural Essence, instead of Zhong Guo (Johng Gwoh), or Middle Kingdom.

China’s culture is so powerful that Chinese whose families have lived abroad for several generations are often still culturally identifiable as Chinese.

Throughout most of China’s long history, the relationships between people in all classes were based on carefully prescribed forms of behavior that addressed virtually every aspect of conduct. This was true to such a degree that learning and following proper etiquette was one of the major facets of life. And the higher one was on the social ladder, the more meticulous and demanding were the rules of etiquette.

The Chinese word for etiquette, li (lee), originally meant rite or ritual, referring to the fact that following officially sanctioned etiquette required detailed knowledge of hundreds of correct forms of behavior.

Training in this highly prescribed way of living was so thorough, so pervasive, that people were judged first, last, and sometimes only by how closely they followed its rules of behavior. Etiquette was equated not only with learning in general, but also with culture, morality, and even nationality and nationalism.

The Chinese eventually came to believe that theirs was the only correct form of etiquette in the universe, and that all who did not follow the same meticulous rules of conduct were uncivilized barbarians. Of course, the rules of etiquette in China today are no longer enforced by harsh feudal sanctions as they once were, and have been considerably relaxed. But they remain very important.

Despite the attempts of Mao Zedung and his communist regime to destroy all vestiges of China’s traditional culture, and despite the inroads made by Western cultures since then, most of the core values and basic behavioral patterns that have existed in China for more than two thousand years are still very much in evidence throughout the country. Formalities in business and formal situations are still ingrained in the behavior of the Chinese.

While some of China’s common customs are quite different from Western mores, others are similar. But in spite of any similarities, they often differ in ways that can spell success or failure for uninitiated foreigners.

It is therefore extremely valuable for visitors to China to have a working knowledge of the basics of Chinese etiquette, and it is vital for businesspeople, diplomats, and others going to China for professional reasons to know the ins and outs of Chinese thinking and behavior.

Since the last edition of this book, there have been momentous changes within China. By GDP, China is now the second richest nation in the world. The larger Chinese cities now look and feel just like cities in more developed nations, though there are still large pockets of poverty within China, especially in rural areas.

However, most people have access to cell phones, computers, and the Internet. Even if their home lacks a landline, it seems that just about everyone in China has some access to the digital world, giving people a degree of connection with others and access to information and news that would have been unheard of even just a few years ago.

Flush with dollars, Chinese students, tourists, and businessmen have become a common sight in the West. Riding upon this wave of internationalization, the Chinese government has helped finance and push Chinese language learning outside of China as a part of its soft diplomacy program, and more people overseas are learning Chinese than ever before. At the same time, China has dramatically increased defense spending, and has taken on a more robust military posture in Asia, much to the alarm of its neighbors.

In many ways, China has come into its own as a nation. Having said this, there are dark clouds on the horizon. The Chinese economy has finally started to slow, and many people question whether the Chinese government can manage a soft landing. Meanwhile, it appears that the government itself is making internal changes, the outwardly visible manifestation of which is a strong anti-corruption campaign, though there are hints of many more changes below the surface.

Times have become uncertain, and given the uncertainty of the times and China’s newfound place in the international community as a business leader and a military power, understanding how to work with the Chinese people has become more important than ever before.

Notes on Pronunciation

What has traditionally been referred to as the Chinese language is in fact a family of ten closely related but mutually unintelligible languages that includes Cantonese, Shanghainese, Fukienese, Hokkien, Hakka, Chin Chow, and Mandarin. There are also several dozen regional dialects within these languages that are used by some of the 56 officially recognized ethnic groups in China.

Following the takeover of China by the Chinese Communist Party in 1949 it was decreed that Mandarin, the primary language of the Beijing region, was to be the country’s national language. All schools outside this region would teach it as a second language, no matter what their native dialect. As a result of this decree, younger generations of Chinese outside of the Beijing area–including Hong Kong–are generally bilingual. Visitors who would like to communicate in Chinese even on a basic level are therefore advised to study Mandarin.

It is worth noting that people in all of China’s regions have historically used the same ideograms for writing their various languages. Although pronunciation is unique to each language, the meanings of the characters are the same. This makes it possible for people to communicate with one another, no matter which dialect they may speak.

There are four basic tones in Mandarin: first tone (high-level), second tone (rising), third tone (falling-rising), and fourth tone (falling). While most of the sounds in the language are easy for English speakers to emulate, getting the tones right can be a challenge because many words are spelled and look the same but have different meanings based on how they are pronounced.

Getting the tones right requires a combination of keen hearing, imitation, and practice. This begins with knowing how the vowels and consonants are pronounced. Here is a quick guide to their Romanized versions:

VOWELS

CONSONANTS

Other consonants are pronounced more or less as they are in English.

Part I

The Middle Kingdom

Chapter 1

The Origins of Chinese Etiquette

Nothing says traditional Chinese ethics and etiquette more clearly or loudly than the name Confucius, the great philosopher-teacher who lived from 551 to 479 BC. In his efforts to provide principles for achieving social and political harmony, Confucius taught that society consisted of a hierarchy of overlapping relationships between people. These relationships were a ruler to his subjects, a father to his son, a husband to his wife, an elder brother to his younger brother, and a friend to a friend. With the exception of friend to friend relationships, all of these relationships involved people of different status.

In the Confucian world, everyone should cultivate yi (ee), which means virtue; ren (ren), which means benevolence; and li (lee), which means etiquette. Li is packed with a multitude of nuance and meaning that is not found in the English word etiquette. The Chinese character refers to the making of sacrifices on an altar, in the sense of offering proper respect to another person. From this, we get the idea of rites and rituals. And indeed, in traditional Confucian thinking etiquette has a very strong ritualistic aspect: The way something is done can be even more important than the final result, and the actions of an individual can be even more important than his inward motivations. So long as the proper respect is offered, then one has done his duty.

The way one shows respect is relative to the status of the individual, the kind of relationship, and the situation. For this reason, Confucius found it absurd that there could be any kind of universal law that determined everyone’s conduct at all times.

In the natural interplay of human relationships, benevolence flows from a person of higher status to someone of lower status, while respect flows the opposite direction. That is, a ruler should show benevolence to his subjects, and his subject should show him the proper respect. It is therefore a grave impropriety in Confucian thinking to ever challenge or question the motivations or actions of someone with a higher status. Confucius taught that if everyone would merely observe the proper etiquette according to his or her station in life, there would be harmony in the world, and that it is not our place to judge or correct those above us.

When it came to government, Confucius taught that government officials could cultivate virtue by studying ancient Chinese classical literature. In his view, government service should be a meritocracy, with rank bestowed based upon how cultivated a person was. In time, Confucian ideas resulted in the development of a system of imperial examinations, which any man could take. While these exams were supposed to test one’s knowledge and understanding of Chinese classical literature, in fact they just tested one’s ability to rote memorize long passages of text. A successful candidate would gain immediate employment as a government bureaucrat, with his rank depending upon his test score.

But what if a supreme ruler did not have virtue and did not show benevolence to his subjects? In Confucius’s view, a ruler received his divine right to rule via a mandate from Heaven, and this mandate could be withdrawn from an unvirtuous ruler. The signs that the mandate were withdrawn would involve some sort of natural disaster or national calamity. As people did not have the right to question authority, the only time they could rebel against a ruler was if they saw signs that the mandate of Heaven had been withdrawn, and that Heaven had chose someone else to rule.

As the generations passed, Confucius’s followers added to, codified, and ritualized the principles he originally prescribed. Because his principles addressed the most fundamental issues in all human relationships and were endorsed and enforced by succeeding imperial courts, they became deeply embedded in Chinese culture.

Over the following millennia the guidelines established by Confucius for proper behavior gradually spread to Korea, Japan, and parts of Southeast Asia, becoming the foundation for the ritualistic etiquette that has since distinguished all of these cultures.

However, in China (as well as in adjoining Korea and nearby Japan) the form and ritualistic aspects of the Confucian rules of etiquette became so pronounced they often overshadowed the original essence and purpose of the prescribed behavior. This had positive as well as negative effects.

On the one hand, profound belief in the Confucian principles and the ritualistic behavior this required served as a bulwark of support for the imperial court and government