My Chupacabra Ate My Homework

My Chupacabra Ate My Homework

Thom Stanley

Copyright © 2016 by Thom Stanley

Excentric Ink, Inc. POB 843, Sedona, AZ 86339

Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means - electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise - without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law. For permission requests, write to the publisher at Attention: Permissions Coordinator, at the address above.

Book formatting by Jack Hillman Hillman Design Group • HillmanDesign.com

Chupacabra image by Marco Sumayao

Cover artwork by Robert Schmierer Heretic Advertising • HereticAdvertising.com

All books are dedicated to the world filled with people who need to laugh.

All books are the result of my relationships throughout my life – with special Thanks to MJ Barnett, Morrie Horowitz, Sasha Cederlund, James Bishop Jr., Doug Rabbit Sutherland, Brendon Marks, William F. Jordan and the plethora of brilliant authors and writers who made remarkable contributions the 25+ years the Sedona Excentric was available in hard copy and those who contribute to this day online at ExcentricWorld.com.

Table of Contents

Chupacabras, Creatures and Monsters

Aliens

UFOs

Sedona

Ghosts, Spirits and Hauntings

Stuff

Other Stuff

About the Author

Chupacabras, Creatures and Monsters

Q: South African veterinarians have found a human-like baby creature inside a sheep. A rancher was slaughtering the sheep when he found the dead creature inside. Some think it is a deformed lamb fetus, but it’s lower body resembles that of a human baby. Is there a reasonable explanation for this?

A: I dunno - if the sheep had come from Cornville, Arizona, maybe.

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Q: I read that a truck driver struck a Chupacabra-like creature in Chile. Only hairs were recovered from the truck’s grill, described as hard, ringleted, black on the ends and white towards the center. And it is rumored that the blood-drinking, red-eyed beast could be living in abandoned mines in Chile. Some old-timers say that strange stuff goes on in those mountains…and they even said those who poke their noses in too deep never seem to come back. Do you believe these claims?

A: Sure; old-timers say stranger stuff than their strange stuff still goes on in the mountains of West Virginia.

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Q: I read a story about a couple who think they saw a goat sucker or something similar in their rural home town. Coming home late one night, they pulled off the main road onto the little dirt road. At a distance, we saw a skinny, dark creature standing on two feet; about five feet tall, take a few steps toward a corral, put a hand on the top of the corral fence and go over the top with absolute ease. My girlfriend and I freaked out. After it went over the top, it ducked below the fence and looked up, its eyes glowing about a foot apart. I ran to my house to get a gun and spotlight, while my girlfriend waited in the truck. I fired a shot over its head and it took off at lightning speed. What do you think we saw?

A: I’m awestruck. You left your girlfriend behind for this thing to maul? I guess you guys aren’t too serious. You may need that story when you show up at work the next day after your girlfriend’s father mauls your ass for keeping her out past curfew.

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Q: A creature has been described to us as about three and a half feet high. It had like a collie dog body and a face like a horse, a long neck; ears about two feet long, back legs like those of a crane with hooves, and walks on its back legs and holds up two short front legs with paws on them. What the hell could this be?

A: This is the exact description of a Jersey Devil and has been seen in the pine barrens of New Jersey since 1735. Sightings are still being reported today. Over the years, more than 2000 people have reported seeing this mysterious creature. I believe that most of them were smoking some stuff called Lucid Dragon 5X, or something.

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Q: There is in fact a terrifying creature that dwells within the dense pines of New Jersey, known as the Jersey Devil. The legend of the Jersey Devil dates back to about the mid-1700s when it was considered an omen of disaster or war. But multiple sightings did not begin until the early 1900s. Some researchers claim that more than two thousand witnesses have reported seeing the creature over the centuries. Have you heard of any recent sightings?

A: Only from some guy whose girlfriend’s father whooped, and on the hockey rink - but actually, they are not very frightening.

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Q: I read that a Michigan man laid recent claims to have definitive proof of the existence of Bigfoot. Although, he believes Sasquatch is not ape man or a mammal at all, but a spiritual creature that can shape shift. But, when it does take an earthly form, it seems to like to eat the pepperoni pizza he leaves behind in the woods. This guy even says he has Bigfoot poop as evidence. Could this be the real thing?

A: This guy’s claims are based on a load of crap? I mean, if it is Yeti, that has to be some seriously big poop. How does one carry that around? And, more important, does it have pepperoni in it?

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Q: Somebody told me about a television report from Missouri about owls attacking the people who lived there. Actually, they were more just landing on their heads and backs, but still freaking the people out. I recently watched Hitchcock’s, The Birds, and found myself looking around at all the birds the following morning while drinking my coffee, wondering if they could organize and attack at will. Do you think because we have polluted their airspace they could take revenge and come after the ones responsible?

A: Probably not; although I wouldn’t blame them if they did. We freak out when our neighbor’s dog craps on our yard or someone releases gas in an elevator. How would we react to someone polluting our breathing space? Oh yeah, we are polluting our breathing space, and not just with our neighbor’s dog crap and our gas. I think the word is out. We constantly pollute our breathing space with political crap, bravado and good old jive.

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Q: I read where scientists have recently discovered that many creatures living in Australia’s harsh, arid zone are giving males the flick and opting for all female communities that reproduce by cloning themselves. They multiplied by parthenogenesis, or Virgin birth, but why they do it, and where, has researchers baffled. Asexual reproduction – so rare that less than one species in 1000 practices it – tends to occur in extreme or fringe environments, such as high altitudes, deserts and places disturbed by fires and droughts. Have you heard of such phenomena?

A: I have heard that because of the small number of available decent men; Texas women are establishing asexual parthenogenesis reproduction workshops.

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Q: Nature does some strange and unexplainable things. I read where, in 1877, Memphis, Tennessee experienced a raining of snakes that measured in length from between 12 and 18 inches; on September 4, 1886, three separate showers of polished stones fell on Charleston, South Carolina; and in 1893, a yellow-tinged cloud passing over Paderborn, Germany, released a shower of living pond mussels. Can you explain any of these phenomena?

A: Right about this time, lobotomies were becoming a popular form of therapy and a vice for some doctors. Of course, in the southern states, it was explained as voluntary experimental psychosurgery. I can’t really explain the pond mussel thing.

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Q: I heard that in 1981 in an Elmhurst, Illinois Park, four teenagers were hanging out one summer night when they were awestruck by an incredible creature sitting atop the mausoleum’s stone wall. They described it as being 9 feet tall, with dark gray, leathery skin, a muscular body, golden horns on its head, a huge wing span and a long curling tail. They were close enough to have smelled its breath which they described as, the soul of the stench of decay and sulfur. It flaps its wings, flew straight upward and disappeared. Did they actually see a gargoyle?

A: My theory is that they were probably honor students at the Timothy Leary School for Gifted Children before they turned on, tuned in and dropped out.

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Q: What are these things called rods, skyfish, and solar entities? Video evidence is compelling that they are living creatures but are completely unknown to science. Have you ever heard of these phenomena?

A: I believe the X-Files did a show on those rod things.

I think my boss spotted one flying somewhere it didn’t belong the other day. Boy, was she in a mood for weeks. Don’t believe everything you see.

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Q: There are historical accounts of huge human bones found buried in a mound at Cattaraugus County in western New York. They are said to be human-like and nearly eight feet tall. Some had horny knobs on their foreheads. Have you read any of these reports?

A: Yes. The fact they were found in New York makes me think it could be a historical mob hit on an ancient gang of really tall, knob-headed people.

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Q: It looked like a man covered in fur. Eight, nine feet tall. As I shined the light, there it was standing behind some trees. It stood there lookin’ at me: it’s eyes were yellow. Such were the words of a Pennsylvania man reported in a local newspaper. There were similar sightings reported throughout the state. They even found huge prints in a wooded area. Is Sasquatch alive and well near Lake Erie?

A: I can’t say, although I read the reports you are referring to. As I recall the article, it stated the prints were made by a huge boot. Unless you are going to start calling the phenomenon Bigboot, I would say it was a big, hairy, jaundiced drunk taking a leak in the woods.

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Q: What in the hell is a Chupacabra? I have some neighbors from Guatemala who claim that some beast called Chupacabra is killing their sheep. We have a lot of strange happenings in Arizona too, but I have never heard of a Chupacabra before.

A: I refer you to the cover of this book. According to some of my South American friends, a Chupacabra is a mythical beast that attacks like a vampire, preying on small animals and some people, draining the blood from their bodies. Recent sightings have been reported in Southern California, this time by a Caucasian woman who claims to have played peek-a-boo with the beast. She said his bark was worse than his bite.

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Q: I understand a category called Cryptozoology has been created to study phenomenon like Nessie, Bigfoot, Chupacabra, Werewolves, and the like. I am familiar with everything except the Chupacabra. A friend of mine told me it was part animal, part man from South America, but had been spotted in my area of southern Texas recently. Can you tell me what this is and if it is something I should be concerned with?

A: My understanding is that Chupacabra is a mythical animal, sometimes described as hairy, fray and short (which may explain its bad temper) that attacks and drinks the blood of cowards. I would think there would be far more to be frightened of in southern Texas than some scary, hairy, little vampires.

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Q: I see where Chupacabras are back in the news. Did I hear right when they were mentioned in the same breath with Clint Eastwood in Puerto Rico?

A: Yep. Those hairy, scary, goat- sucking beasts were the subject of a movie being filmed in Canvanas, Puerto Rico, by Mr. Eastwood’s film school. Many think the monster is loosely based on some of Clint’s earlier Spaghetti Western characters or the imaginary character he spoke to in the empty chair during a republican convention.

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Q: Thousands of people flocked to Loch Ness, Scotland trying to catch a glimpse of Nessie, the alleged elusive water serpent. Do people visit Sedona because of its reputation of similar mystical qualities? Are they trying to get a glimpse of a New Age ritual or observe the spirit of a deceased Native American shaman?

A: If visitors wanted to see our New Agers, they just have to ask. Native American shaman aren’t exclusive to Sedona. Many people come here and are surprised