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    Bad Valentines: Bad Valentines, #1
    Bad Valentines: Bad Valentines, #1
    Bad Valentines: Bad Valentines, #1
    Ebook65 pages47 minutes

    Bad Valentines: Bad Valentines, #1

    By Steve Vernon

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Love is one of those four-letter words that people like to throw around – but sometimes love can be one of the meanest and nastiest games in town.

    Here are three of the strangest love stories you have ever read.

    Change of Pace – for a taste of a true Spanish fly.
     

    Wetside Story – a touching saga of love, squid-things and zombie Nazi death subs.
     

    Potboiler, told in a Spanish Key – breaking someone’s heart can sometimes be the very last thing you will ever do.

    "If Harlan Ellison, Richard Matheson and Robert Bloch had a three-way sex romp in a hot tub, and then a team of scientists came in and filtered out the water and mixed the leftover DNA into a test tube, the resulting genetic experiment would most likely grow up into Steve Vernon." – Bookgasm

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSteve Vernon
    Release dateJan 3, 2017
    ISBN9781386760900
    Bad Valentines: Bad Valentines, #1
    Author

    Steve Vernon

    Everybody always wants a peek at the man behind the curtain. They all want to see just exactly what makes an author tick.Which ticks me off just a little bit - but what good is a lifetime if you can't ride out the peeve and ill-feeling and grin through it all. Hi! I am Steve Vernon and I'd love to scare you. Along the way I'll try to entertain you and I guarantee a giggle as well.If you want to picture me just think of that old dude at the campfire spinning out ghost stories and weird adventures and the grand epic saga of how Thud the Second stepped out of his cave with nothing more than a rock in his fist and slew the mighty saber-toothed tiger.If I listed all of the books I've written I'd most likely bore you - and I am allergic to boring so I will not bore you any further. Go and read some of my books. I promise I sound a whole lot better in print than in real life. Heck, I'll even brush my teeth and comb my hair if you think that will help any.For more up-to-date info please follow my blog at:http://stevevernonstoryteller.wordpress.com/And follow me at Twitter:@StephenVernonyours in storytelling,Steve Vernon

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      Book preview

      Bad Valentines - Steve Vernon

      Real Love

      Ought

      To Hit You

      Like

      A

      Kick in the Teeth

      ––––––––

      To my wife, Belinda, who puts up with me

      and

      To my readers, who help give me a reason to breathe.

      Change of Pace

      Forty year old white men just shouldn’t try to rap. 

      It was a crying shame that nobody told the house band that before they slid into their third attempt of the evening.

      Malcolm hated rap. It was always the same damn beat and the same damn lyrics. How many times could you find a rhyme with pussy?

      The band didn’t help matters. A quartet of three fat balding country crooners along with a lead singer that they’d undoubtedly found in the wreckage of a condemned piano bar. The four of them stood there in their spandex and pink lame dusters, vainly struggling to morph themselves into the twenty-first century. 

      Malcolm tried his best to get used to it, willing his ears to close up. It didn’t help or matter. The band was the least of Malcolm’s problems.

      The problem was Maria.

      Women change, Malcolm said. That’s the hell of it. You think you’ve got things figured out and they go and change on you.

      The old missionary isn’t working for you any more, eh? Seymour said.

      It isn’t that. It’s her. She’s changed. What worked before just isn’t working now. No sir, it isn’t that at all.

      Seymour shrugged and grinned. 

      I dunno, Malcolm, he said. It sounds like that to me. Have you tried ginseng?

      Malcolm had expected this. Seymour was a holistic healer this year, or at least that’s what he called himself. Last year he’d been a cab driver. The year before he had worked in a 1-900 porno call center. 

      Seymour liked change.

      I’ve tried ginseng, vitamin E, pheremonal antiperspirant and spider web tea. I’ve tried it all and nothing works.

      The band eased into Margaritaville. It didn’t sound much better than the rap, but at least Malcolm knew most of the words. 

      It was a damn shame the band didn’t.

      Maybe it isn’t physical, Seymour suggested. Maybe all you need is a little change up. Have you thought about another woman?

      Malcolm shook his head. 

      If I was to get myself another woman, he said. I’d have to get myself another man to keep her satisfied.

      That bad, huh?

      Seymour, I’m tiptoeing up to the fifty year mark. I don’t need or want another woman. I’m just trying to keep the woman I want happy.

      Well okay, maybe not another woman. But maybe you just need a little change of pace.

      Malcolm stared at his beer, wondering if it was possible to read your future in the beer foam. He peered as hard as he could, but all he could see was a cluster of tasty bubbles clinging to the side and bottom of the glass.

      Seymour kept on talking. 

      You need to loosen up, he suggested. Maybe iInvite another woman over for a threesome. Or go to a key party. Try new positions.

      Change your tune, Malcolm said. You’re starting to sound like a damned macrobiotic fortune cookie.

      Well damn it, Malcolm, you can’t just ignore it and hope it’ll all go away. You’ve got to try something. 

      Try something? Malcolm snorted. Seymour I’ve tried everything.  Last June I surprised her with a romantic bedside banquet of oysters. I flew the clammy fuckers right in from Florida.

      Oysters are good, Seymour allowed. High in zinc and long on libido. It sounds like just the thing to poke the ashes of a dying fuck-fire.

      Malcolm snorted, even louder.

      You’d think that, wouldn’t you? he said, pouring another beer. How the fuck was I supposed to know she was allergic to shellfish. What a catastrophe. Hell, I can’t even spell anaphylactic.

      Seymour sat there, stone cold silent, but Malcolm could see he was fighting hard not to let the laughter slip out. Truth to tell, Malcolm didn’t blame him. It was funny, except he wasn’t laughing.

      "Then you know what she said? Right after the slurred speech and vomiting let up? Honey, she said,

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