Mean Chicks, Cliques, and Dirty Tricks: A Real Girl's Guide to Getting Through it All

Introduction

More than any other time in history, it’s a good time to be a girl. You have an incredible life ahead of you. You have so many choices, opportunities, and resources available to you. Things your mom, grandmother, and maybe even your older sister could only dream of are right at your fingertips. And now that you’re a teenager, you’re at the beginning of these most exciting times.

Yes, it’s all starting to happen—the thrilling times you were looking forward to—like having a bunch more freedom, independence, and a later curfew. Your driver’s license is right around the corner. You may be looking forward to moving on to middle or high school and all the cool extracurricular activities you love like soccer, drama, and school dances, maybe even a boyfriend.

Fashion wise, you’re coming more and more into your own by defining your personal tastes and finding what you like and what you loathe.

But most of all, right now is when you start standing on your own two feet and relating to your friends in a closer way. Now the camaraderie of other girls really rules, and all of you can have tons of fun. Considering that almost everyone has cell phones, Facebook pages, and e-mail accounts, you can always be connected and constantly have your best buds only a click away. Yay!

Things are way different from when I grew up. But I always had one thing—the determination to make sure other girls didn’t have it as rough as I did, that they wouldn’t have anything or anyone get in their way! That’s why I became a teacher, and later, what I am now—Dr. Erika, an advice giver who listens to and helps girls in particular.

In pursuit of this dream, I got the necessary education and job experience. Later, my own daughters grew up to become accomplished and productive adults. And what a joy it is, in return, to be able to pay back this great country by my work as an author and girl guru.

While writing the first edition of this book and now this super updated one, I polled more than 1,000 teen girls who attend various middle and high schools, from small to large and from all over, and asked them (or had their teachers ask them) the following: What, in your opinion, is a major problem for girls today?

The girls blurted out, Other girls! They get in our way because they’re so mean. Their teachers agreed, saying, That’s right. We see signs of girls acting aggressively on a daily basis.

So I went back to the girls and asked: Have you ever been a victim of girls being mean or been witness to it? And without exception, they all nodded, Yes! And they’re even worse online. Some of the girls felt so strongly about the topic that they started peppering me with texts and e-mails, which you will see throughout the book.

New text from Brianne, 15: I think every girl has been hurt in some way or made fun of by another girl or a group of girls once in their life.

You have one new e-mail: Me & my friends have been cyber bullied constantly, and even on the phone. ~Kayla, 16

But when I asked the girls to give me some details on the behavior of their peers, all I got was silence. Their only response was to roll their eyes. Some of them just nervously looked down at their iPhones or BlackBerrys. It was clear that what had happened to them bothered them, and yet they had no clue how to fix the problem.

New text from Dory, 16: To ask a girl if she’s ever been treated mean by another girl or girls [is] like asking if she’s ever been around her peers.

Whoa! Looks like the subject of mean girls is pretty much taboo, even today! And the teachers’ responses? These were even worse; they really clammed up. They swept the meanness and cyber bullying under the rug.

Yet, like the girls, they admitted that the treatment among girls is a huge problem in their schools. They even ’fessed up that a lot of girls could do way better in class if they didn’t have to worry about other girls being mean to them.

Could it be that the teachers were afraid to have one more job on their plates? Or were they afraid they were in over their heads? Maybe they were being bullied, too, not in texting but with mean note writing and nasty things written in the boys bathroom, and they thought girls picking on girls was just a part of growing up, you know?

Whatever the teachers’ reasons, a few girls were heroines by opening up to me. Sad personal stories poured in when I told them that I did not want to know:

• Their names

• The names of their schools

• Their teachers’ names

• The names of their towns, cities, or states

• Anything that could identify them, their parents and families, or their backgrounds in any way. Also, all the names of the girls who contributed are changed to protect them.

Girls furiously texted, posted, and e-mailed me really sad stories.

You have one new e-mail: Have you ever made fun of another girl? If your answer is no, more than likely you’re lying your head off. If your answer is yes, you’re not totally a bad person. You’re just telling it like it is. ~Annie, 16

Soon, I had stacks of notes, texts, and e-mails about the ugly reality of girls hurting other girls, and how painful it is to be the butt of their cruel jokes or to be picked on for your looks. Even worse is when these mean messages are shared with everyone via Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter.

You have one new e-mail: I’ve been picked on about my hair all my life because I have curly and bushy hair. My best friends call my hair nappy roots and laugh. ~Natasha, 17

It’s tough to be laughed at. Or pinched or kicked, for that matter! Having rumors spread about you not to just a few but all over school and beyond is certainly no fun. And while I could easily sense the pain of the victims, the victimizers clearly needed help, too, and ASAP!

So, now help is here! By reading this book, you show that you care and want to make the girl world a much better place. And you are going to succeed. I know it.

You’re a heroine because you want to do what you can to help. Only, there’s one problem: How can you spot the mean-girl types? And how can you get a handle on them now and in the years to come? More importantly, how can you help them? And how can you clean up cyberspace and disarm and deflate the bullies?

Most of all, how can you be sure not to let anyone or anything—not even the meanest texts and Facebook posts—get in your way? Read on.

Part I. Meet the Mean Girls

Let’s face the facts: Even if you haven’t met any mean girls in person yet, they exist in every school. So what can you do should they target you? A whole lot!

First, you can use your potential and power to learn all about them: about the way they act, what makes them tick, and what makes them turn to mean cliques. Then you can learn how to stop them in their tracks! Get them to clean up their bully behavior. At the very least, you can learn to refuse to let them affect you. You can learn to delete their misuse of technology, which is supposed to be used to keep in contact with friends, not for the bad of the girl world. You’re an intelligent, empowered girl—the one who will run the show shortly if she doesn’t already. There’s no other girl in the whole wide world with your smarts, heart, and determination. You’re the leader of the future and these are your years! So step up and don’t let anything or anyone stop you on your quest to be the best.

The truth is, some girls can do some way mean things. They can be flat-out unkind, openly ignoring other girls, picking on them, or in extreme cases, actually hurting them physically or trying to crush their heart forever. If you haven’t seen any of these girls, odds are you will witness some of this behavior shortly, either as a bystander or an unlucky target. But don’t worry—you have the power to get on top of this situation and benefit from it. And as you learn about and conquer the new ways in which mean girls are mistreating other girls these days through blogs, Twitter, text messaging, Facebook, MySpace, and so on, you will learn new ways to change this behavior—or at least how you react to it. Yes, you will turn the meanness around, do your best to help the types of girls who resort to these activities, and avoid being victimized. And then you will blossom better and bigger than you might have if you didn’t have the mean chicks to try their tricks.

You have one new e-mail: There’s a purpose or lesson to be learned in every event that occurs in someone’s life. You reap what you sow. Next time you decide to diss someone always remember, what goes around comes around. ~Jeni, 16

So, by the end of this book, you’ll be able to spot whatever not-nice girl acts are out there in your school, community, and online. Fact is, some mean girl behavior isn’t immediately obvious. It can be covered up with a syrupy smile or be disguised in some other way. Hey, some mean chicks’ tricks might even look cute when observed from a distance. Some girls might pretend they’re someone else online, acting like a cool guy, trying to catch you unawares. They think they’ve got you fooled, but you’re not. ’Cause reading this book will open your eyes wide. Yeah, you will be able to spot them from a mile away, and you’ll be able to deal with them in nothing flat.

No matter what people call the mean girls at your school—Snobs, Gossips, Traitors, and so forth—behind their backs, let’s get one important thing absolutely straight first: When we discuss the kinds of mean girl behaviors that exist today, we are going to use these same terms, but only to save time. That is, rather than saying a girl has tendencies to act like a snob most of the time, we’re just going to generalize and call her a Snob, and so on. But under no circumstances does that mean she will always be a snob or that we should forever condemn or demonize her; it’s not the girl we’re criticizing, only her way of acting or treating other girls. So, we might not like her actions or the way she expresses herself, but it never means we don’t like the girl. Underneath, she has what all girls have—tons of potential and a terrific future ahead, especially if you point her in the right direction or show her a good example.

Chapter 1. The Snob

You see her cruising with her gal pals in her brand-new SUV, shopping at the most expensive stores, and getting away with murder at school. The slightest glance toward her in the halls can either make your day or ruin it, depending on her mood. Her hair is always perfect, her clothes just right. She dates the cutest guys and has all of the teachers wrapped around her little finger. She has the best parties and the coolest friends. You’ve just encountered the Snob.

Dear Dr. Erika:

There’s this girl in my class who thinks whenever she opens her big mouth everybody better shut up and listen. And at lunch she sits at the best table in the cafeteria, and if you sit there, she pitches a fit. She actually gets her way in everything. Even the teachers are scared of her and treat her different from the rest of us.

~Reina, 14

Dear Dr. Erika:

I totally dread my second period class. There’s this girl who, like, brags about everything. When she makes a good grade, she acts like she’s the smartest. When she has a birthday party, she goes, There’s never been another party like mine. When she blabs about her family, they’re like sooo rich! And she cuts people and makes me feel like I’m dirt.

~Erica, 15

Sounds as if both Reina and Erica are dealing with the Snob, also known as a Spoiled Brat, Brag, and Name-Dropper.

FYI

No matter what type of show she may put on at school or with her friends, try to remember that the Snob is just a girl with problems, worries, hopes, and fears—just like you!

Sure, the Snob’s issues may be different from yours. Most likely, for all of her cool clothes and popularity, deep down, she feels unhappy. She feels as if there’s a big hole in her—like she’s always trying to fill a void within herself. Maybe she was spoiled as a child and everything was done for her. Or maybe her parents got divorced and she was ignored and now wants what she didn’t get before—namely, attention. But the most likely scenario is that the Snob never got the one thing all little girls everywhere want—a steady stream of love and attention from her mom and or dad. What this girl got instead was material things, and plenty of them. Whoever raised the Snob may not have had time for her and tried to make up for it with oodles of doodads. So now, the Snob covers up her hollow part inside by overemphasizing stuff.

She gets her kicks out of shopping and mall crawling. What she adores are fancy designer shoes, Louis Vuitton bags, and serious jewelry. She may even see people as things—as expensive, classy items to enrich herself with, and in doing so, she also disregards their feelings. Of course, in the process, she doesn’t necessarily mean to be rude, but comes across as arrogant and selfish and into herself all the time. She has to have her way all the time and acts like a baby when she doesn’t. Her value system and her self-esteem are based on what valuables she has, so she carries on like a mini queen. In school, she’s often the most popular girl in her grade even though—behind her back—many students call her a spoiled brat.

A close cousin to the Snob is the Name-Dropper. That’s a girl who might not have been showered with tons of toys, but her family knows a