Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain

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Surviving

Infidelity

3RD EDITION

Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain

Rona B. Subotnik, L.M.F.T.

and

Gloria G. Harris, Ph.D.

Adams Media

Avon, Massachusetts

Copyright ©2005 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris

All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be

reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher;

exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.

Second edition ©1999 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris

First edition ©1994 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris

Published by

Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

www.adamsmedia.com

ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-480-8

ISBN 10: 1-59337-480-1

eISBN: 978-1-44052-095-2

Printed in the United States of America.

J I H G F

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Subotnik, Rona B.

Surviving infidelity / Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris.—3rd ed.

p. cm.

ISBN 1-59337-480-1

1. Adultery. 2. Marriage. I. Harris, Gloria G. II. Title.

HQ806.S89 2005

306.73’6—dc22

                                                    2004030876

This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.

—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the

American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations

This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

To my husband, Norman, whose support

and encouragement make dreams possible.

—R.B.S.

To my husband, Jay, for his love and devotion.

—G.G.H.

CONTENTS

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Part One: Understanding Infidelity

CHAPTER 1: ALL AFFAIRS ARE NOT THE SAME

Types of Affairs

Affairs

Serial Affairs

Flings

Romantic Love Affairs

Long-Term Affairs

CHAPTER 2: AFFAIRS WITHOUT TOUCHING:

ARE THEY CHEATING?

Emotional Affairs

You Don’t Have to Have Sex to Cheat

Emotional Affairs with Coworkers

Emotional Affairs with Friends and Neighbors

Danger Zone

Internet Affairs

The Mysterious Properties of the Internet

Is This Really an Affair?

Types of Affairs

Emotional and Cyber Affairs

CHAPTER 3: WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN

Transitional Anxiety

Unfulfilled Expectations

Unrealistic Ideas about Love and Marriage

Need for Attention

Boredom

The Unavailable Spouse

Lack of Sexual Desire

Poor-Risk Partners

An Affair with a Purpose

The Family Affair

The Homosexual Affair

The Exit Affair

CHAPTER 4: DECEPTION AND DISCOVERY

Deception

Types of Lies

Cyberlies

Secrets

Gender Differences

Discovery

Revealing an Affair

Should You Reveal Your Own Affair?

Past Affairs

Recent Affairs

Clues

Confrontation

A Volcano of Pain

The Impact

Part Two: Coping and Healing

CHAPTER 5: COPING WITH THE PAIN

Grief and Loss

Stage 1: Denial

Stage 2: Anger

Stage 3: Bargaining

Stage 4: Depression

Stage 5: Acceptance

Expressing Sad Feelings

Obsessing

You Feel What You Think

The ABCs of Emotion

Challenge Your Negative Thoughts

Themes of Negative Thoughts

Thinking Distortions

The Daily Thought Record

CHAPTER 6: HANDLING THE RAGE AND JEALOUSY

Women’s Anger

Men’s Anger

Understanding Anger

Myth 1: Depression Is Always Anger Turned Inward

Myth 2: Talking Out Anger Gets Rid of It

Myth 3: It Helps to Blow Off Steam

Calming Yourself

Deep Breathing

Meditation

Visualization

Just Because

Changing Your Self-Talk

Calm Self-Talk

Strategic Self-Talk

Self-Reward Talk

Thinking Distortions That Fuel Anger

Labeling

Mind Reading

Magnification

Should Statements

Overcoming Your Internal Barriers

Expressing Your Anger Constructively

Experiencing Jealousy

Male/Female Differences

The Continuum

Managing Jealousy

Part Three: Dealing with the Marital Crisis

CHAPTER 7: DECISIONS

Is Your Spouse Willing to Stop the Affair?

Can You and Your Spouse Work Through the Reasons?

What Is the Significance of the Affair to Your Spouse?

How Will Your Decision Affect Your Quality of Life?

How Does Your Life Stage Affect Your Decision?

Are Your Fears Keeping You in the Marriage?

Can the Love in Your Marriage Be Strengthened?

What about the Impact of Your Decision on Your Children?

What about AIDS and Other Sexually Transmitted Diseases?

Should We Separate?

How Do You Put These Factors Together?

CHAPTER 8: REPAIRING THE RELATIONSHIP

Clearing the Emotional Air

Apologizing

Reparations

Forgiveness

Who Is to Blame?

Gender Differences

From Blaming to Understanding

Strengthening the Relationship

Reminiscing

Discussing Your Backgrounds

Rebuilding Trust

Changing Your Defeatist Beliefs

Communicating Honestly

Talk Time

Communication Skills

Addressing Sexual Problems

Rituals

CHAPTER 9: THE POST-AFFAIR MARRIAGE

Recommitment

Expectations

Resolving Differences

Negotiating Compromises

Improving Communication

Revitalizing Your Sexual Relationship

Communicate Your Needs

Enhancing Sexual Enjoyment

Relating Out of Bed

Relating Emotionally

Relating Intellectually

Relating Socially

Have Fun Together

Include Spontaneity

Loving Again

List Your Partner’s Positive Qualities

Love Days

Part Four: Surviving

CHAPTER 10: A NEW BEGINNING

Recovery from Divorce

The Triple S Cluster

Taking Care of Yourself

Social Support

New Traditions

Loneliness

Emotional Detachment

Children

Moving Forward

CHAPTER 11: INCREASING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM

Self-Esteem and Infidelity

Enhancing Self-Esteem

Developing Self-Esteem

Challenging Childhood Messages

Society’s Messages

Thinking Distortions

Self-Esteem and Assertiveness

Taking Care of Yourself

Self-Esteem and Family Interactions

Self-Esteem Building Exercises

CHAPTER 12: WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A SURVIVOR

Belief in Your Own Resourcefulness

Ability to Withstand Uncomfortable Feelings

Belief in Something Greater Than Yourself

Ability to See the Complexity of Events

Ability to View Events in a Time Frame

Ability to Formulate a Plan

Ability to Ask for Help and Support

Ability to Let Go of Resentment

Ability to Recognize the Power of Thoughts for Healing

Ability to Find Meaning in the Experience

APPENDIXES

Love and Infidelity Quiz

References

About the Authors

PREFACE

Surviving Infidelity is a book for women and men whose lives have been disrupted by infidelity. We have written this book to help our readers cope with extramarital involvement, to learn more about its dynamics, and to understand the accompanying web of feelings, thoughts, and actions. For thousands of years and continuing to the present, the marriage contracts of Judeo-Christian cultures have prohibited extramarital sex. Whether two people commit to each other through marital vows or by solemn promises, sex with another person causes emotional pain to the betrayed and harms the relationship.

Because infidelity can be devastating to marriage, it is important to resolve the crisis and rebuild the relationship whenever possible. The first choice for accomplishing this is to work with a therapist. However, for many couples, this is not always an option, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes finances or embarrassment may prevent them from finding help. Often the unfaithful partner does not want to come for counseling. This book has been written to help those individuals who may be trying to work out their problems without professional help.

Much of what we discuss in Surviving Infidelity has been drawn from our combined clinical experience as psychotherapists as well as from pertinent research by our colleagues. In the safety of the therapy session, we have heard about pain and seen the disruption to families caused by infidelity. Because extramarital sex still plays a role in the dissolution of many marriages, and because the divorce rate continues to be high, it is important to know more about it.

In most cases our goal is to keep the marriage together. We view infidelity from a family perspective that takes into account the complexity of each person’s past and current history as well as the social context. Our hope is to help you heal the wounds of infidelity and to strengthen the relationship.

Rona B. Subotnik is a marriage and family therapist. Gloria Harris is a clinical psychologist. Together we have witnessed the impact of infidelity on the lives of hundreds of women and men whom we have counseled, both individually and in groups. When cases have been used, we have disguised the identities of our clients.

Let us begin with some definitions. Adultery can be either a legal or religious term defined as sexual relations with someone other than one’s spouse. Infidelity literally means unfaithfulness or disloyalty. It is the breaking of a promise or vow. An affair is defined as an illicit amorous relationship or liaison. We all have heard expressions like messing around, fooling around, wandering, straying, and a little on the side. Because they are used lightly, these expressions tend to minimize or ignore the seriousness of the infidelity and camouflage the emotional pain it causes.

Cheating, another commonly used term, is defined as depriving someone of something expected. Because the spouse is unaware of the infidelity, the couple is deprived of sharing experiences and building memories together. This creates a relationship based on deceit and dishonesty.

The first part of this book is called Understanding Infidelity. In it we explore the various types of affairs and the reasons why they are likely to happen. It is important for you to know that not all affairs are the same. We have presented four basic types of affairs, which fall along a continuum according to the offending spouse’s degree of emotional investment in the third party. Understanding what type of extramarital involvement is involved will tell you how serious it is. Knowing the reasons why affairs occur will give you information about causes and help you resolve the crisis in your marriage. Unfaithful spouses lie about affairs for a variety of reasons. You will also find material on the impact on your marriage of revealing the truth.

The second part of the book, Coping and Healing, provides you with some important skills for dealing with the blow. We present a cognitive approach based on the principle that by changing the way you interpret and view your situation, you can influence the way you feel, make wiser decisions, and act more productively. Over the past decades, cognitive therapy has become one of the fastest-growing and most effective approaches to treating human problems. In this part of the book we will aid you in your grief work and present ways to cope with your pain, rage, and jealousy.

In the third part of the book, Resolving the Marital Crisis, we help you and your partner repair your relationship and aid you in letting go of hurt and resentment. We try to make it possible for you eventually to put your spouse’s infidelity behind you and develop a stronger relationship.

There are also other alternatives. In some marriages the betrayed partner will choose to tolerate the infidelity. For others, separation or divorce will be selected as the most desirable option. We will present factors for you to consider as you make your decision either to continue or to end your marriage.

If the decision is to stay, we assist you in strengthening and revitalizing the post-affair marriage. Included are the ingredients of a successful marriage based on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and forgiving your spouse.

In the last part of the book, Surviving, we teach coping skills and strategies. For those whose marriage is ending by choice of either spouse, we will present our ideas for dealing effectively with your new status and accompanying concerns. We present strategies for handling loneliness, making a new beginning, and developing more rewarding relationships. Because infidelity significantly affects your self-esteem, we have included a chapter discussing its roots. This chapter contains exercises designed to enhance the way you feel about yourself.

In this third edition of Surviving Infidelity, you will find a new chapter on affairs without touching. There are two affairs in this category, emotional infidelity and Internet affairs. Since the number of women in the workforce has reached a new high, we recognize that the intimacy men and women develop working together can easily develop into an emotional affairs. This emotional intimacy itself can threaten the marriage and could easily lead to a sexual affair. We describe an emotional affair and present information to raise your awareness. Because the use of the computer has added a new dimension to infidelity, we have discussed the nuances of affairs online, the power of the Internet to foster infidelity and the impact of this on marriages and committed relationships. Many other parts have been expanded and updated such as sections on AIDS, forgiveness, and reasons for affairs. Every part of the book has been reviewed and updated where we felt it necessary.

The book ends with the chapter entitled, What It Takes to Be a Survivor, which is intended to empower and inspire you. Whatever your decision, surviving infidelity ultimately involves facing new challenges.

It is customary to wish people good luck when embarking on a journey. We wish you good luck and good skill in turning a crisis in marriage into an opportunity for growth.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

We wish to thank Norman Subotnik for his invaluable help, suggestions, and support. Our appreciation goes to the many members of the Subotnik and Harris families for reading the text and sharing their impressions with us. We especially appreciate the support in the Subotnik clan of Norman, Debra and Matthew, Kenneth and Stephanie, Adrienne and Todd; and in the Harris family, of Jay, Cameron, and Merrill. Thanks to our friend Fran Zimmerman who read the manuscript for the First Edition and for the helpful suggestions she made.

Our very special thanks to our editors, Brandon Toropov for the First Edition and Edward Walters for the Second Edition. Special thanks to our new editor Kate Epstein for appreciating the importance of this book in helping individuals survive the crisis of infidelity and become even stronger from it. We thank her for her help in this Third Edition of Surviving Infidelity.

We would like to thank the design team from Adams Media whose creative talents are apparent from cover to cover.

We would like to thank our agent, Julie Castiglia, for her support and guidance in making this Third Edition a reality for us and for our readers.

Rona Subotnik wishes to thank the wonderful women in Rockville, Maryland, who make up the heart and soul of A Woman’s Place (now known as the Commission for Women Counseling and Career Center), and the Montgomery County Government Commission for Women, for their support and encouragement when she was a staff counselor, for the amazing way that relationship has continued over a distance of three thousand miles since she moved to California, and for the efforts they make every day to improve the lives of the women of Montgomery County.

It was there that she first began to hear stories of infidelity from the brave women coping with its aftermath. Special thanks also to Wendy Plotkin-Mates who with Rona Subotnik led support and counseling groups for seven years, often as many as four a week. One of these groups was called Surviving Infidelity.

While writing this book, Rona has frequently thought of Shirley Glass, her friend and colleague for over thirty years. Shirley died in October, 2003, after a brave battle with breast cancer. Through her research and clinical experience, she added much to our knowledge of infidelity. She was always helpful and encouraging in our work in this field. Although she is always in our hearts, we wish she were still just a phone call away.

A final note of acknowledgment and appreciation goes to the women and men who have shared their stories with us throughout the years and whose courage inspired us to write this book.

—Rona B. Subotnik & Gloria G. Harris

Part One

UNDERSTANDING INFIDELITY

Chapter 1

ALL AFFAIRS ARE NOT THE SAME

"Frankie and Johnny were lovers,

my God how they could love.

Swore to be true to each other,

just as true as the stars above.

He was her man, but he done her wrong."

— Frankie and Johnny, traditional

I remember this enormous commotion in my neighborhood when I was a little girl, Janet reminisced in our support group. "I was playing paper dolls with Carolyn Ryan when her father ran outside yelling. Carolyn started to cry. We were both very scared. None of the adults would tell us what was happening, but later the older kids said Mr. Ryan came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.

It was quite a neighborhood scandal, Janet continued. Nobody on our block had ever done such a thing. I know, that was forty-five years ago, but still, why is there such a change? Four spouses on our little cul-de-sac of eight homes have had affairs, and that includes my husband Richard.

Janet is correct. Social attitudes have changed dramatically in the last forty-five years, and these changes have affected family life and marriage in profound ways.

Studies of affairs report considerable variations in their frequency. A survey of the most recent studies shows that 44 to 50 percent of men and 25 percent of women have affairs, and for women there is an indication that rates may be rising. Moreover, other reports claim that in couples therapy a total of 55 percent of the couples deal with infidelity issues, either when initiating or at some point during therapy. Our own clinical observations confirm that the chance that a marriage will be touched by infidelity is high, and that extramarital sex still plays a role in the dissolution of many marriages.

Infidelity, whether resulting in divorce or reconciliation, has a ripple effect that reaches far from the center and disturbs the security, peace of mind, and self-esteem of all family members. We would like to help you get a little distance from your emotional reactivity so that you can understand what may have happened and make the choice that will bring equilibrium to your life and allow you to move forward. Let’s begin by examining how affairs differ.

Types of Affairs

I just don’t know how serious it is, Joyce explained to the support group as she told them about her husband Joel’s affair with a woman in his office. He says it means nothing, just a one-time thing. And he promised never to see her again.

Don’t believe him, replied Don. I believed my wife, and now she’s head over heels in love with the other guy, and we’re getting a divorce!

Are Joyce and Don in different situations? They seem to be. Joyce’s husband and Don’s wife have different depths of feelings about their affairs. All affairs are not the same, and the differences are very important.

The question Joyce raised in the group about the seriousness of her husband’s affair can be answered when we know what type of affair it is.

From our work with men and women, we believe that affairs fall along a continuum according to the degree of emotional investment the unfaithful spouse feels toward the lover. At the beginning of the continuum are the casual involvements, like serial affairs and flings, in which there is none to very little emotional investment in the partner. Further along the continuum are romantic love affairs with a high degree of emotional investment, and at the extreme end are long-term affairs, which last for years—possibly over the lifetime of the marriage.

Affairs

Although most of the infidelity we have seen is concentrated in these four areas, as in any continuum there may be movement. An affair can change in the degree of emotional investment. For example, what starts as a meaningless fling can change to a romantic love affair, and romantic love affairs can grow into long-term attachments. Knowing where the affair falls on the continuum helps you answer one of the core questions, which is, Where does the commitment of the unfaithful partner lie?

Serial Affairs

Let’s start with a look at the affair in which the partners lack emotional investment: the serial affair. This can be a series of one-night stands and/or a series of many affairs. Having many affairs and partners indicates a wish to avoid involvement or intimacy, not a desire for emotional closeness. The relationship is for the excitement of the here and now. Intimacy and commitment are missing in the serial affair. The lure in such cases is for sex and excitement.

Even though this is a sexual relationship, we see it as a way to distance. In this category, regardless of gender, are the lovers we’ve come to call Don Juans and Casanovas. They often rationalize their behavior by thinking that they love and provide for their mates, but a little on the side doesn’t hurt anyone.

Partners who have serial one-night stands are content to leave it at that. Meeting again would produce anxiety and complicate their lives. Many such affairs occur out of town, safely away from family and friends who may encounter them accidentally. Some occur at conferences or while traveling.

We have heard many stories from clients whose partners are repeatedly unfaithful. As Susan, a forty-three-year-old mother of three told us about her husband Ted, "He’s screwing around with those damn women on his trips. His boss is, too. They’re all doing it, and protecting each other. I know it, because I hired a private investigator. I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do.

When we got married, we struggled and worked together building what I thought was ‘the good life.’ With Ted’s abilities and his dad’s connections he landed a job in a local bank. He was so good that before long he was made a manager and eventually a vice-president, she explained.

Our dreams of success were beginning to come true. Only it turned out to be a nightmare, she cried. I had no idea what Ted was doing. He must have been laughing up his sleeve. He was away from home a lot, traveling to branches in other cities and going to these high-level meetings. Well, Mr. Rhinegold, the private investigator, told me that Ted and his colleagues began to have ‘escorts,’ young women who provide them with sex for a price. ‘It doesn’t mean anything,’ Mr. Rhinegold said, ‘It’s a different one every time,’ he told me.

Susan went on angrily, Well, I don’t give a damn what Mr. Rhinegold said. I am furious that Ted has ‘escorts’ and a secret life apart from me and the kids. I want it to end. I hate him for it. To Susan, Mr. Rhinegold’s observation that it’s a different one every time was the good news and the bad news. The good news was that the women never meant anything to Ted, but the bad news was that he had quite a history of infidelity. Ted was a serial lover.

Although Ted had many one-night stands, some serial lovers have a series of brief affairs. Our observations show the affairs usually last a few months but can last more than a year. We place serial affairs at the beginning of the continuum because there are no plans to make or maintain a commitment to the lover. A pattern often emerges for how the couple deals with the infidelity, if discovered. The partner is contrite, remorseful, and more attentive. He (or she) asks for forgiveness and promises not to be unfaithful again. He may start out with good intentions to be the faithful spouse, but in time the same pattern recurs with a new partner. After a few of these affairs, the offended spouse begins to recognize the signs and is aware that once again the marriage partner is unfaithful.

Many of our clients who are married to serial lovers come to recognize that the behavior will not stop, that their partners are addicted to sex. These sexually compulsive spouses seem powerless to control their desire for sex. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., has described a cycle in which the sexually compulsive individual starts to obsess about sex, which in turn leads to increased anxiety and tension. This anxiety and tension continue until he finds sexual release. After this he feels remorseful and may vow not to behave in that manner again. But as his preoccupation and anxiety arise at some time in the future, the cycle is repeated. This need for sexual excitement of the moment must be satisfied, even though it frequently creates problems and embarrassments in other aspects of his life. The sexually