Terry's Joke Collection Volume One: Animal to Bar Jokes

Terry’s Joke Collection

Volume I

Animal to Bar Jokes

Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370402380

Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the first of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device’s ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library, you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry’s Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool. The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These facts were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for Terry Eade.

Chapter 1

Animal Jokes

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a parrot in a bar may appear here and in the Bar & Pub Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

World's Fastest Dog

A businessman has taken the day off to pick up his new BMW convertible. It is a beautiful day so he decides to put the top down and take it for a drive in the country. As he drives down the country road he notices a young boy hitchhiking along the road. Anxious to show off his new car, the businessman pulls over to the side of the road and tells the kid to get in. At that point, the kid whistles and a large yellow dog comes bounding out of the woods beside the road.

The businessman says Wait a minute you can't bring that big dog into my new car, he's all covered with mud and I have these nice new leather seats.

The kid says, that's OK mister, my dog will run along side of the car.

The businessman says It's your dog and they drive off with the dog running along side of the car. The businessman is showing the kid the neat features of his new car and forgets all about the dog. Suddenly he remembers and says Oh my God, where's your dog?

The kid say's He's right along side of the car.

The businessman looks down at his speedometer and he is doing sixty miles per hour. I don't think a greyhound can run this fast let alone a big yellow dog, the businessman says.

I told you he was fast, the kid says, he won't have any problem staying up with your car.

This makes the businessman a little miffed so he presses down on the gas pedal and runs the speed up to seventy. How is your dog doing now? he says.

The dog is doing fine the kid responds, he's really fast.

The businessman mashes down on the gas until he is doing ninety and then hollers over at the kid.Is your dog still keeping up?

Yea the kid hollers back, he's breathing hard but he is still along side of the car.

The businessman can't believe it so he slams on his power brakes, screeches to a stop, unbuckles his seat belt, and leans over the kid to have a look. Sure enough there is the dog. I'm flabbergasted, says the businessman, that must be the fastest dog in the world. He looks like a regular dog, except.... what is that pink ring around his neck?

Oh, that's his asshole the kid says, he's not used to stopping that fast.

Outrageous Vet Bill

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead and wants more proof.

The vet then brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, $650.

$650 to tell me my dog is dead? exclaimed the man....

Well, the vet replies, I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

The Pet Rabbit

Although the Wilsons and the Browns had been neighbors for years, they had never been friendly. The Wilsons didn't have any kids so they resented the noise and the toys in the front yard next door. The Browns resented the complaints about their kids and the fact that the Wilsons would have parties which lasted late into the evenings and resulted in cars blocking their driveway.

To make matters worse, the Wilsons had a big dog that would crap on the Browns lawn, and the Browns had a cat who would make tracks on the hood of the Wilsons car. The Browns also had a big white rabbit in a cage in their backyard which was a pet of their youngest daughter Sally.

One Sunday the Wilsons came home from church and found their dog laying in their driveway chewing on something white. To their horror, it was the Brown's pet rabbit -- dead and all covered with dirt and dog slobber. Knowing that this would be the final straw to start a full blown neighborhood war, the Wilsons acted quickly. Since the Browns went to a later church service they had a little time to solve the problem.

First they took the rabbit into the shower and washed it with shampoo. Then they dried it with a hair dryer to get it all nice and fluffy again. Next, Bob Wilson went into the Brown's back yard and put the rabbit back into the cage. Bob was very pleased as the rabbit looked like it was sleeping.

By the time the Browns got home from church Bob Wilson was raking leaves in his backyard. After a few minutes he heard Sally Brown shriek and yell for her folks. They all came out to the rabbit cage and there was quite a clamor.

Acting like a concerned neighbor, Bob came over to the fence and said: Is something wrong?

The rabbits dead, whimpered Sally Brown.

What do you supposed happened to it? asked Bob in a concerned tone of voice.

We're not sure said Sally's father, but the thing that baffles us more is how it got back into the cage.

What do you mean? says Bob.

Well it died yesterday and we buried it in the garden, answers Sally's father.

Bolivian Rooster

A successful businessman retires and decides to become a gentleman farmer so he buys a small chicken farm. After fixing up the place and painting all the buildings, he gets in his new truck and heads into town. He goes into the local feed and seed store and tells the clerk he wants the most prolific rooster available. The clerk says that there are several good domestic breeds, but if the farmer wants the best it must be imported from Bolivia and is quite expensive. The farmer says that price is no object and he places the order.

A few weeks later the farmer receives a call from the feed and seed store telling him that his rooster has arrived and that he should come into town and pick it up as soon as possible as the rooster is making quite a bit of commotion. The farmer jumps into his truck and heads into town to pick up the rooster. Upon returning to the farm, the farmer uncrates the rooster who immediately starts to work on all of the hens in the hen yard. The farmer smiles and goes into the house.

After a few hours, the farmer goes back into the farm yard and goes up to the Bolivian rooster who is still doing the hens and tells him that he is doing a great job but not to get to exhausted as he does not have to finish the entire flock on the very first day. The rooster thanks the farmer for his concern but indicates that he has been cooped up in the crate for a week and can handle the situation. The farmer shrugs and returns to the house realizing that he paid extra to get a prolific rooster and he certainly got his money's worth.

A while later the chickens have become quiet, but the ducks are raising a ruckus. The farmer goes out to the duck pen and finds out that the Bolivian rooster has finished all the hens and is now getting it on with the ducks. Again the farmer warns the rooster about over-extending himself, but the rooster assures the farmer that he knows his limits and is doing just fine. So the farmer goes back into the house.

A short time later the ducks are quite and the geese are honking up a storm. The farmer goes out to the goose enclosure and finds that the Bolivian rooster has finished the ducks and is now servicing the geese. This time he tells the rooster to knock it off as he has a lot of money invested in him. The rooster is also getting irritated and tells the farmer that this is his specialty and he knows what he is doing and doesn't need any coaching. So the farmer stomps off and goes back to the house.

The next thing that happens is that the geese have quieted down, but the turkeys are in a clamor. The farmer goes to the window and looks out at the barnyard. Sure enough the Bolivian rooster has taken care of the geese and is now in the turkey pen doing the turkeys. Not wanting another confrontation, the farmer just shakes his head and goes back to his easy chair and continues reading the paper.

After a while the turkeys have quieted down and there isn't a sound in the barnyard. The farmer walks to the window and looks out to see what has happened. Sure enough the Bolivian rooster has finished all of the turkeys and is laying on his back in the middle of the turkey pen with his eyes rolled back and his feet sticking straight up and several vultures are circling overhead. The farmer just shakes his head and sadly walks out to the turkey pen.

The farmer leans on the fence and says in a quiet voice, Poor little fella, I tried to tell you but you just wouldn't listen.

At that point the Bolivian rooster opens one eye, looks at the farmer then up at the vultures, then back at the farmer and quietly says hush you'll scare them away.

A Special Frog

A beautiful blonde is driving down a country road when suddenly a large frog jumps out onto the road in front of her car. She slams on the brakes to avoid hitting the frog, and stops just in time. She waits for the frog to hop off the road, but it just sits there. Then she honks the horn, but the frog jumps up on the hood of her car instead of off the road.

Frustrated, the blonde gets out of the car and starts to take the frog off the hood, when the frog looks up at her with these big sorrowful eyes. He looks at her then at the edge of the woods and then back at her. When she looks over at where the frog has looked she notices a small fox at the edge of the woods and realizes that the fox must have chased the frog into the road and is now waiting for her to toss the frog down and leave.

Not wanting the cute little frog to get eaten, she decides to take the frog with her and let him out later when they are far away from the fox. So she puts the frog in the seat next to her and drives away. The frog just sits nicely on the seat and keeps looking at her with these big enchanting eyes.

He seems so well behaved and cute that the blonde thinks she may just take him home and make him a pet. As they drive along she is talking to the frog and he is looking at her as though he is listening and answers with a bribip, bribip. Finally the blonde leans over and kisses the frog, saying you're just so darn cute.

At that point the most amazing thing happens -- the frog turns into a handsome young man with the body of an athlete. Not wanting to be outdone, the blonde also turns into something -- a motel.

The Frog and the Engineer

A young engineering student was crossing a road by the college one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.

The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want.

Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?

The boy said, Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.

The Profane Parrot

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears. Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson. He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again. After about five minutes the man agrees to give the bird one more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, What did the chicken do?

Dogs and Cats

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.

And God said, No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will